<p>Until I read this week's Newsweek article, I thought I knew how I was going to handle a family situation. Now I'm not so sure...</p>
<p>An immediate family member is being treated for a serious illness. Things are stable for the moment, but her condition could change without much warning.</p>
<p>S's college runs concurrent parent/student orientations. I had planned to mention something to someone (not sure of the most appropriate contact -- counseling center? residence office?) during that time, but now I'm second-guessing myself. Maybe our situation isn't that unusual -- maybe a lot of families have unique challenges, and administration is flooded with info as to why we're all "special." Maybe this isn't appropriate for college. After all, I'm not thinking of contacting S1's workplace. Maybe I'm thinking too much.</p>
<p>College info: it's halfway across the country, mid-size, religious in foundation. </p>
<p>So, do I forewarn the school of possible distraction for S? If so, who would be the best contact? Thanks!</p>
<p>So sorry to hear about the illness in your family - best wishes for your loved one's recovery.</p>
<p>I don't think it would be the best idea to contact the college about a possible academic challenge for your son. He might handle any difficulty well on his own, and I think college administrators, and certainly faculty/deans, expect to deal with students, not parents. However, if you'd like to reassure yourself, you could make some phone calls or search the school's website to put together a list of resources in case your son eventually needs them (phone numbers of counseling center, the local clergy your son might want to speak with, etc.). Though your son could do this himself, you might feel better to be able to hand him a list of phone numbers and say, "You might want to use these someday."</p>
<p>Does your school have an office of parent programs? That could be an excellent resource for you. I think more schools should have such offices, just to give parents a place to express concerns/vent separate from the academic structure of the school.</p>
<p>No -- distraction due to illness in the family, or other family problems are not the type of thing for parents to bring up at college orientations -- your son can handle that himself. What you might do, if it concerns you, is ASK at the parent orientation what resources are available for students, such as counseling or religious services. The purpose isn't to alert them to watch out for your son, but for you to know -- but read the materials that they provide you first, as you may be able to find the answer without asking. </p>
<p>When I first read your post I thought you meant that your son was suffering from a chronic illlness -- which of course might be appropriate to raise -- but then I realized that it is another family member.</p>
<p>I do not like the increasing phenomenon of helicopter parenting. However this seems to be more of an issue of passing along information.</p>
<p>There will be no benefit to bringing this up in orientation meetings. The student health/counseling centers are not proactive and they cannot keep tabs on students.</p>
<p>However on move-in day your son's RA should be there to assist and answer questions. I see no problem briefly and quietly alerting the RA to the situation. It merely is giving him some information that could be important if problems arise if the situation becomes more critical.</p>
<p>Some colleges have freshman advisors and/or freshman deans besides the RAs; they would certainly want to be notified of personal issues to watch out for. They don't want their students to go off the deep end and get the school into trouble for not providing better counseling! So I would advise letting the advisors know about the family situation. It could happen during Orientation if there is a quiet moment. If it is hectic, you might just introduce yourself to the relevant staff and email them later. You could simply say that you have sick relative and that your child may have to return home during term time and ask what the implications are of such an event for your child's academic progress. I do not consider it helicoptering.</p>
<p>I agree with Marite. As an academic advisor at a mid-sized public university I deal with approximately 400 freshman each semester. While I do not encourage parent's to sit in on the registration process during the freshman two-day orientation, it is appropriate for them to try and determine the name of the advisor (sometimes this is not know until August) and e-mail or call that advisor with their concerns at the beginning of the semester. Even schools with the best of intentions lose track of the student who does not seek help.</p>
<p>I would tell your son's hall director (an adult, not a student) if you really want to mention this to someone. </p>
<p>I was a hall director for a few years and it wasn't unusual for a parent to send me a note or email about a special circumstance. In a case like this, I'd make sure to check in with the student at hall socials and study breaks to make sure they knew my door was open if they needed to chat. Sometimes, kids are glad that someone knows their situation and they can go talk without rehashing all of the emotional events that have already transpired. Of course, sometimes, kids are embarrassed that mom or dad said something and don't want to talk at all.</p>
<p>I don't think mentioning this is being a helicopter parent. My best helicopter story: a frantic mom called my office, desperate to find her daughter, who she said was "missing". The student lived down the hall from my place and I saw her often...she was a good, sweet kid who came to all the events. Not one to get into trouble at all.</p>
<p>I went running up to the girl's room and knocked on the door LOUDLY. She opened it, shocked, with her violin hanging from her chin.</p>
<p>She hadn't heard the phone ringing over her violin and had missed her mother's repeated calls.</p>
<p>Back when I was a hall director, the helicopter parents weren't prevalent. The handful I dealt with were sweet people worried about sending a child off to college. Completely understandable.</p>
<p>These days, I'm dealing with more of these people and doing it on the other side of the process...the students aren't admitted yet. Certain things still make me chuckle ("we" are applying, "we" want to study abroad), but there are trying moments. They have the best intentions in mind. </p>
<p>I'd like to think that when the times comes, I'll be a "cool" parent, encouraging the baby bird to fly, but who knows...maybe some other person will be on here telling stories about me!</p>
<p>It's not so much a question of "really wanting to mention it to someone" if there's no practical reason for doing so.</p>
<p>S. is social, but private in a lot of ways. He would be mortified if he thought he was drawing special attention from the adults around him due to our situation. Because it is well known within our small community, he is probably looking forward to a certain degree of anonymity.</p>
<p>I like the idea of collecting a list of resources, should we need them. A quiet conversation with the adult Residence Hall director may be appropriate, too. We'll see where we are, come September. At this point, I'll stay mum during orientation.</p>
<p>While I agree with the quiet 'heads up' chat with the RA or hall director, maybe you should check with your son first to see if HE would rather be the one to mention the situation. This might be a good place to let him take the lead, since he will be the one to deal with things, should your family member's medical situation change.</p>
<p>OK you want to talk helicopter parenting- the mom who told the dean of music (her daughter's intended major) how concerned she was that her daughter would be expected to participate in recitals because she was uncomfortable performing in front of people.</p>
<p>I'll play the devil's advocate. Too many profs have heard the "dead relative" excuse at exam time and become cynical (My first encounter was watching Truffaut's "The 400 Blows"). And many students, unfortunately, do not think of mentioning personal issues until these interfere with their studies--which means exams and papers time. A heads-up early on by someone other than the student will lessen the degree of cynicism."</p>
<p>The Dead Grandmother/Exam Syndrome and the Potential Downfall Of American Society.</p>
<p>That's very good advice, I'm sure every teacher is skeptical when he/she hears about a grandparent who has just passed away before a paper is due. (Though how could anyone ever make up such a thing? Think of the guilt!) </p>
<p>
[quote]
The Dead Grandmother/Exam Syndrome and the Potential Downfall Of American Society.
[/quote]
For some reason this made the scene from "Ferris Bueller" pop into my head:</p>
<p>Mr. Rooney: Ferris Bueller is behind this. There is no doubt in my mind, and now, he's got Sloane Peterson involved in this thing. </p>
<p>My D would be appalled if I did that. It was one thing when she was 15 and at a summer program, its entirely another when she's 18 and an adult.</p>
<p>Just a true life dead grandparent story: junior year of college I was taking an accounting class that I had begged my way into because I wasn't a business major. Test every six weeks. My grandpa died (suddenly of a stroke) so I called the prof and said I had to go to the funeral. Okay, I could make the exam up. Six weeks later, my other grandpa died (expected, long term cancer). Called the prof and he was skeptical but I had to go to my grandpa's funeral. I brought in both the obituaries and was allowed to make up the second exam. I would never lie about someone dying -- bad karma.</p>
<p>My S had a friend who had to go out of town 4 times in one semester for family funerals. The school had a very strict attendance policy, and the student had a failing grade for that semester for having too many absences. The family appealed: the school demanded to see the death certificates! The student is now attending an Ivy.
Apparently, there are enough dead relative excuses to have excited that pseudo-research parody. So it is a good thing to mention family health issues in advance rather than spring them on the prof when the prof is most likely to be cynical about excuses--both real and phony.</p>
<p>One experience: my best friend's H died over Thanksgiving vacation of their S's freshman year. The kid had headed off to college (2000 miles away) knowing dad was terminally ill, but with no time line for the progrnosis. In fact, the whole family was able to attend Freshman Orientation, knowing this might be a "last trip together" and thrilled that dad could be part of this milestone. This family did not do any "alerting" of faculty/administration/residence hall staff.</p>
<p>When S came home for Thanksgiving, that turned out to be dad's last week. It was at that point that the S, himself, contacted Dean/profs. They all worked with him to provide extensions, ways to get notes etc., as he did not return to school immediately after the normal Thanksgiving break, but rather a couple of weeks later. They worked with him to help him complete his work for that semester.</p>
<p>Not saying there is a "right" way, just sharing how one family handled a possibly similar situation.</p>
<p>Wow, marite, that's pretty strict for a high school. I actually don't have a problem with having to show documentation of death because I knew several people in college who would use the dead grandmother excuse numerous times. </p>
<p>I remember a girl on my floor freshman year whose mom had a heart attack (survived) within days of her arriving for college. The school was very helpful and understanding about her missing some school to go home and see her. I remember thinking how hard that would be to get caught up after missing so much class right off the bat in college.</p>
<p>At most colleges I know, the staff and faculty will be very helpdul to students encountering difficulties, including family issues. My only concern is to avoid having to spring bad news on profs when they are most likely to be cynical--exam times. Dead grandmothers rank way up there with "the dog ate my paper."</p>