<p>D's father has been critically ill since the begining of Jan. The situation may or may not go on for some time. I made the decision of sending her back after Xmas break, and as i posted elsewhere, she is very distressed. Some of you know already that we are from Europe, which means that she cannot come home to see her father, or for love, hugs and support from me and elser sis. Phone calls are a disaster since she always fears the worst when we call. Emails seem cold and impersonal. She can't sleep and finds it difficult to concentrate, but will not ask for professsional help. Sometimes I fear that she thinks that she needs the pain to forget the guilt of not being there, although I gave her no choice for exactly that reason. She finds studying extremely hard at the moment and although I repeatedly reassure her that noone will blame her for poor grades, she feels that she is letting her father down by bot succeeding.
I wrote to her supervisor when I sent her back in Jan, explaining the situation. Should I send another e-mail, giving an update on her father's condition, and telling him that she is getting more fragile and exhausted as the days go by, or should I let her do this? What worries me is that D finds it very difficult to ask for help or even show strong emotions. I told her that I could come over for a few days in March if this could help her, but she vetoed this plan immediately and closed up like the proverbial oyster.
Does any one have any advice? I know that I'm not thinking straight, and I'm so tired that I don't want to make the situation worse for her.</p>
<p>I'm so sorry for your family!</p>
<p>You used the word "supervisor" - I'm not sure what that is? Most colleges do have some kind of system to counsel students with family illness - a Dean? Or if you are religious, a chaplain might help? It would be a good idea to request that someone like that check on her. There's probably contact info on the school's website under "student services -counseling"</p>
<p>Normally, I don't suggest that parents contact colleges, but in your D's situation, I suggest that you call or e-mail the dean of students.</p>
<p>The dean probably will call your D in, empathically talk with her, and help your D get the counseling that your D needs, but is unwisely rejecting. The dean can help your D connect with the college counseling center, which exists to help students through this kind of very difficult situation.</p>
<p>Are you getting any professional counseling? I have not read your former thread about how you made the decision to force your D to stay in college despite your husband's critical illness. However, my personal thoughts without knowing the full situation are that your D can finish college later, but right now may be her last chance to be around her father and to help with this family crisis. The anxiety and other problems she's having now may be directly connected with her having to be away from the family during this time.</p>
<p>If your D is the type of person who wants and needs to be around her father and family during this time, by forbidding her from doing this, you may be causing her much more emotional pain than if she were able to be with you. You also may be causing a permanent rift in her relationship with you.</p>
<p>So, please talk to a counselor about this situation to find out if the choices you have made this far in this very difficult situation are the optimal ones for you and your family.</p>
<p>Hugs to you. I know it's very hard, so I wish you the best in a very difficult situation.</p>
<p>If this is helicoptering then the world needs a whole lot more of it IMHO. I am so sorry for your family situation.</p>
<p>I agree with NorthStarMom's suggestions. Also, you may consider opening up those email and telephone lines of communication by letting your D know that you will use these for positive news only. Sure, you can answer and questions she might raise. But I know what it's like waiting for "that call" and I empathize with your D's reluctance there.</p>
<p>When things don't seem to be working out well, one idea is to reconsider. </p>
<p>It does sound as though things are not working out well. Perhaps there are ways for your D to be home at this excruciating time.</p>
<p>I have to agree with NSM. If your daughter is miserable being away from her family at this time and not able (understandably) to focus on her schoolwork, I don't see what is being gained by insisting she finish the semester now. Students can get medical leaves for their own illnesses. Maybe she can get some kind of leave and return home for now.</p>
<p>I imagine this seems like a problem with no good solution. So sorry you're having to go through this.</p>
<p>Given the circumstances, the college also may allow your D to withdraw with no financial or other penalties.</p>
<p>That's what I was thinking nsm.</p>
<p>As someone who picked up and left everything in a second when my dad became ill I can say that I never regretted it- and was blessed by the experience. My younger brother who did not come home was haunted for years for several reasons- one he questioned his choice, and 2) he did not have the closure and acceptance that I had by being there. I would think that she would be able to take a leave- go home and be able to weigh the choices herself. Taking that choice away I believe could leave her angry and bitter which is not a good way to start this new phase in life.</p>
<p>Whatever you decide my prayers are with you and your family.</p>
<p>You asked if this was Helicoptering? ABSOLUTELY NOT! My prayers to your family-</p>
<p>something we need to emphasize here, is that we can not feel guilty for our entire lives for making a GOOD decision at the time...I find it really sad that someone would feel guilty for years because they made a choice---as for closure, there is more than one way to have closure....</p>
<p>It is just so sad to carry unwarranted guilt around forever.....and I can bet you the family dynamics only add to it....so unfair</p>
<p>I am so sorry about your family, my condolences to you. So much you must be going through so much pain. </p>
<p>As someone who was away at grad school on the opposite coast when my dad was dying, I was not there when he died and I have never actually come to terms with it. Like a poster above, it haunted me for years and years. In my case it was a matter of guilt and also just deep deep sadness that I lost my last chance, those precious days, to be with him which I can never get back (even though I could have done school any old time and now it seems so minor by comparison and I can't believe how messed up my priorities were at the time). </p>
<p>Even though you think you are 'forcing' your daughter to be at school to relieve her guilt, it does not mean she does not or won't feel guilt anyway (or a host of other painful emotions like grief, like resentment, lor who knows, now or for many years to come). The mind is a complex thing and it's not necessarily rational. </p>
<p>If you are not already doing so, I also strongly encourage you to get professional help with this extremely difficult experience (one that none of us should attempt to do by ourselves). Just like we hire people to do our taxes and teach us tennis and advise us legally, we should seek out expert advice from a professional psychologist when we are navigating such a hard, complex and unique life experience.</p>
<p>I realize I have very limited information to go on so forgive me for making assumptions or sounding like I'm judging you. I honestly have no judgment of you, just offering my heartfelt advice based on what you had posted and my own experience.</p>
<p>It has nothing to do with "messed up" priorities...my MIL is 92, and when she is back in Europe, her home, there will be lots of up and downs with her health...my H and I talked about this...and he will go back to visit, when he can, but will NOT just drop everything, at the expense of his family, to be at her side everytime she has a relapse...and we have said we will inform the rest of the family of our decision...who, i think will be grateful, that they also can do what they can, without having family guilt foisted upon them...</p>
<p>The BEST thing to do is live in the NOW...care about the people the best way you can, and if you make a choice that feels good at the time, don't beat yourself up for the rest of your life....that is not living and not really fair to the person who passed on...do you think your father would want you to wallow in guilt for not being there every second?</p>
<p>What are you not able to give your own life and your own relationships because you are guilty about something you did when you were younger?</p>
<p>When my Best Friend died last year, after a short but instense battle with cancer, I didn't see her that often toward the end, she wasn't able, and just being around made HER feel guilty thinking we were adjusting our lives to her....I called her, sent cards and pictures, asked her advice, complained about my kids....that just had to be enough</p>
<p>To the OP and to others, you need to let go of feeling so bad about choices you made way back when, and live in the now...your D feels awful, and I know you are trying your best to not make her feel guilty, but that is coming from somewhere....ask her if she really thinks her daddy would want her to put her life on hold indefinately for someting no one has any control over...her father, if he can, needs to share that with her</p>
<p>Citygirlsmom, thanks for your reassurance, but at least in my case- and many others- it's much much complex than that. We each have different relationships to different people, they are not the same; we have different circumstances; and the feelings of grief vary. One person's grief is not another. As but one example, if I were losing my mom now and she was 92 with on again off again health, I personally would probably do what your H is doing (others would do differently); but losing my dad at the age and maturity I did, with the circumstances and details (I don't bother to write here) before me, and the choices I had at the time, was very very different. </p>
<p>I also completely agree regret is not a good, or even necessarily useful emotion much of the time. We "should" be able to be rational about this or that and have the right emotions that work for us. But the mind is complex and issues are multi-layered, and we aren't rational beings who can follow rules of what we "should" be feeling much of the time. Of course, none of us "should" be depressed, guilty, regretful, angry, resentful or fill-in-the-blank here with any bad emotion, the past is always the past, but sometimes we are and it isn't enough to just decide not to.</p>
<p>Bring your D home now.</p>
<p>Lost in tranlat, you are here asking for opinions. Your daughter can't sleep or concentrate. You say phone calls and emails are a disaster. I do not know how you are even communicating with your daughter, but what is she possibly getting out of her education at this point? I agree with menloparkmom. Your daughter belongs at home. If not now, then when?</p>
<p>I would never tell you to "bring her home now," because we just can't know enough as strangers here on an online forum.</p>
<p>What I can tell you is that you are not helicoptering to contact the appropriate person(s) at the University in an instance like this.</p>
<p>I agree with NSM and others that contacting the Dean of Students could be a gift to yourself and your D. You three can then work almost as a team. The Dean is schooled in these situations, is schooled in helping your D open up and talk (or getting her to consider counseling when she hasn't so far). THEN, you can see whether your D would really rather be home at this time or will be able to function better at school with a little help from the Dean.</p>
<p>Allow yourself to seek the help that your instincts are telling you to seek. And allow you and your D to keep an open mind, reconsidering as you go along, adapting as you and she want - to changing situations or changes in how you thought she might cope versus how she actually is coping.</p>
<p>As others have said, my thoughts will be with you and hope that things improve and that some of the stress of the situation can be lifted.</p>
<p>This feels like such a silly thing to mention, but one of the things that stood out in the original post was the difficulty you're having communicating with your daughter--emails, phone, in person...all problematic. </p>
<p>If you haven't done so already, look into downloading a program like Skype (<a href="http://www.skype.com)%5B/url%5D">www.skype.com)</a>. It's free to load and makes long-distance calling (and potentially video chatting) incredibly cheap and easy. Obviously this in itself isn't a solution to anything, but maybe if it's very easy for your daughter to call home (and for you to call her), then she'll feel free to do it more regularly, and it'll take away some of the "worst case" worries. Even if the conversations don't feel "deep," it's a way for everyone to feel a bit more connected to one another.</p>
<p>Again, I apologize for how shallow this seems. I just can only imagine what your daughter and the rest of your family are going through; being unable to communicate regularly must make it so much tougher.</p>
<p>Joining others in their prayers for your family.</p>
<p>ETA: Don't forget yourself + your own needs while you're taking care of your daughters and your husband. Just a gentle reminder.</p>
<p>Your daughter has tried staying in school and it didn't work. If she wants to come home, let her. It's so hard when something is happening to loved ones and you don't know what's going on. It's not "out of sight, out of mind"; rather, one's imagination runs away.</p>
<p>And no, it's not helicoptering to let important people who deal with your d know what's going on. They may also be able to help you - they may have a different take on your d's behavior than you do.</p>
<p>Thank you for your support. No, I am not able to see someone professionally myself, but my doctor has given me some sort of antidepressant. I apologize if my post wasn't clear and perfectly understand those of you who tell me to bring my daughter home. Faced with an indefinite coma, I decided that it would be easier on my daughter to be back at college rather than be "waiting" for something to happen. We discussed it at length. She knows that unfortunately there is nothing she can do for her father except, and this may seem horrible to some, to get on with her life, as he has always been very proud of her achievements and anxious for her to do as well as possible. She truly does not want to leave college this semester. She just feels that her work is not up to standard, especially her father's high standards. Were she home, there would be little for her to do except fret, and wait.Maybe those of you who have gone through this situation can understand what I don't seem to be able to put into words: she has to live with a tiny element of hope and without the right to mourn someone very close who is still alive. I have followed your advice and sent an email to the dean and to her advisor, so they will understand her inability to give her best. I promise you that if I thought she would be happier at home, I wouldn't hesitate.</p>