<p>My husband has had lymphoma for seven years (currently in remission), which means my kids have started both high school and college since he was diagnosed. Both times my kids asked that I NOT tell anyone on the staff until after they had had time to settle in. They didn't want to be identified from the beginning as the kid whose father has cancer. So after they both started high school, sometime in mid-October, I asked them who on the administration I should talk to. That person knew and was expected to let people know what was going on. </p>
<p>College was handled differently. We talked to my son's dorm resident advisor--the one who also knew that he was only 16 when he started--and left it at that. We figured if a crisis came up that we could call the counseling deans if necessary. My daughter's academic advisor--also a friend--knows. Again, if a crisis occurs, we can move up the chain. </p>
<p>I will also point out that in my daughter's tiny high school (less than 200 students), there were two kids whose fathers were dealing with cancer and one whose mother was. Numbers were similar at my son's larger high school. </p>
<p>I don't think you need to forewarn the school, but you do need to prepare youself. Who would you need to call if there was a crisis and your child needed to take a week or two off? And it does help if one person on campus knows and can help if that crisis occurs.</p>
<p>Your timing was perfect. I logged on, and there was an actual apples to apples situation.</p>
<p>My thinking today is that I will say nothing to the college, but I will collect a list of resources to which we can direct S if the need arises. Calmom's post provided a real "aha" moment for me. I want S to be able to start school in a brand new environment without anyone's first impression of him being a "fragile" student from a beleaguered family. I lost sight of the fact that our situation is only one aspect of what our community, church and schools know about us, as we've lived in the same small town for 20 years.</p>
<p>I am 100% certain that S will not share the info with anyone at school, but he has dealt maturely with normal adolescent difficulties up to now. Let's pray he's up to handling more adult difficulties, should the need arise. </p>
<p>Thanks so much to all of you for your input. Many of the posts were extremely helpful (thanks especially Calmom, Marite and Frazzle1).</p>
<p>(Edit: I posted this before seeing the last two posts, so this is unneeded; but a thought nonetheless for other situations?)</p>
<p>I send my good wishes to the OP and her family coping with serious illness. </p>
<p>I am wondering if the first person to ask is the son? Does he WANT his parent to say something on his behalf? Because he is going into a new environment where he doesn't yet know how to deal with the system, it may be helpful for him to have you make a first contact, until he figures out the system for getting help for himself when he needs it. But if he says no, he'd rather be the one to say something, then I think I would honor that.</p>
<p>Having strong helicopter tendencies of my own, but having 3 fiercely proud and stubbornly independent children, I have been told in no uncertain terms to contact the school only when instructed. While this runs counter to my own "Mother Lioness" personality, I have realized that, barring pretty serious concern over mental health issues, I should honor their own desire to take care of their own needs (speaking of a college sophomore and two high school sophomores, all about to be <em>gasp</em> juniors). But I certainly know other families where the kids welcome a bit more of a parental bridge into new places.</p>
<p>Reading various perspectives on this issue made me realize how one's environment influences them -often without notice. </p>
<p>My son attends a large suburban public high school. While excused absences are allowed for serious illness and death in the immediate family - work must be made up within a few days of one's return to school. While I have no doubt that many of the teachers care deeply about students in such positions - the rules are strictly enforced and no allowance is made for the student's emotional state.</p>
<p>I would never have thought to inform a college of an illness in the family - regardless of how serious - unless it necessitated my son's absence from school. And, perhaps because of his high school experience, he would be horrified to find that I had "shared".</p>
<p>I agree that the student's academic advisors do not need to be contacted by a parent during orientation, and that the student himself should decide whether anyone needs to know of his particular situation.
However, I learned one important bit of information at Cornell's parent orientation. The dean of students emphasized that if a family crisis or tragedy occurs, parents are strongly encouraged to call the dean's office first to be sure the student is not alone when receiving a phone call with bad news, etc. Outside business hours, contacting campus security would enable us to reach the dean on call.
It's something I would not have thought of, but now have tucked into my mental "emergency info file".</p>