<p>Yes, there have always been helicopter parents, but not to the extent there are now. Why? Society has changed. Many of today's parents were the first in their families to go to college, so their parents didn't know the system, and felt they really didn't know what to do. Plus, they were from a generation that believed the teacher was always right, so the college profs and administration were, too, and would do whatever was necessary to care for the kids. My parents' English was poor, so they felt out of their element. I was taking care of things for them for years before I left, because of the language issue. My parents were very involved, and my dad drove all my friends to the dances every Friday. But long distance was expensive, so once a week on Sunday, my dad drove downtown with my mother, to use the company's watts line and call me - I waited at the phone (the one and only in our dorm) reserving it for a special time, and we talked for a half hour or more. Today's parents grew up in a time when there has been an erosion of respect for authority in schools and in general, so many think they know what's best for their child. I was very and I will remain involved, but am letting my little bird fly free. Will e-mail, and we will call once or twice a week - but hopefully, mainly to tell each other what we are doing with our lives. She knows she can call me when she really needs me, and I will support her, but meals, etc.? My job is well done when my child can be self-sufficient in this world. I won't be around forever. I am an older mom, and this is something that is an issue in how I will deal with my one and only child. (All the time with tears in my eyes) I remember seeing a special on the young men in India who live at home and have no interst in marrying and moving out, because they have it so good at home with their moms, who do everything for them. Moving out would mean having to do it themselves. According to the report, this is becoming a problem. This is her time - I will still be around to support her, but she needs to start coming to terms with her future, with my guidance and support, not interference or micro-managing her life. There needs to be a balance struck, and it is finding this balance that is the tricky part for parents and children alike.</p>
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I've been both WOH and SAH as well as WAS
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help-- translation please....</p>
<p>Hi jym<br>
I believe it Work out of home, Stay at Home, Work at home</p>
<p>Thanks, Andi!!<br>
As for this topic-- I agree that there has been a big social shift-- The schools have shifted a lot more responsibility to the students, and as they are less "hovering", they seem to expect the parents to do likewise. They can claim it is in response to the FERPA laws (Federal educational rights and privacy act), but I don't buy it. If we were this "hands-off" when they were a little younger, we'd be neglectful. Now, unless we do so we're smothering. Puleeze...</p>
<p>It's stay at home vs. work out of house. Implication being if you are in the house you are working too:) And then I think she meant work at school...</p>
<p>If we were this "hands-off" when they were a little younger, we'd be neglectful. Now, unless we do so we're smothering. Puleeze...</p>
<p>This is the issue. As a student, I'm of the position that parents should back off as soon as the kid reaches college to the degree the kid wants it. Honestly, adolescence is now longer then ever. Kids need to be out on their own much more to combat it. They can't run back to mommy anymore.</p>
<p>Once they're 18, they're adults. Please try to treat them as such.</p>
<p>I'm in complete agreement with WealthofInformation and evitajr1.</p>
<p>Perhaps the parental response is really about the schools not acting "in loco parentis". Because of this shift away from that responsibility I wonder is some parents are just trying to pick up the slack . . . though I do not believe that I am one of them. I talk to my son via email or phone about once every other week.</p>
<p>Eagle79 - I tend to agree with you - in that our generation/parents -has 'demanded' that once a kiddo is 18 - they are an adult - ahemmmmm - yet in many situations parents deny them that right to be '18'. The 'in loco parentis' situation ends on their 18th birthday now - and the colleges are supporting our kiddos to be adults as much as possible - and not being their parent - they facilitate more now - and thanks to the laws of our generation/parents also - the confidentiality laws that protect them/our kiddos - also has created a situation that can baffle us adults - it wasn't like this in the old days - but a new day has dawned and laws and mores have changed - the schools are obligated to follow the rules of the land - as our kiddos are considered 'adults' in their eyes as well - thus frustrating many a helicopter parent.</p>
<p>One poster mentioned that a lot more students used to commute, Northeastern University, featured in the article, was until recently a commuter campus. The trend toward helicoptering, aside from the high degree of involvement of baby boomer parents in their children's lives, may also have something to do with the greater emphasis on "the whole college experience," the greater willingness of students to attend college far from home, the quest of colleges for geographic diversity, and the diminished in loco parentis role of colleges. When students commute, their parents do not need to helicopter: they can do all the nagging they want in the privacy of their own home; they don't have to worry about mini-fridges and egg crate mattresses, or complain that there aren't enough outlets in the dorms, etc... And they can provide home cooked meals on a daily basis without a 3-hour drive.
I wonder, though, how many parents actually phone or write to profs and deans to plead on their student's behalf. Reading these articles makes it sound like a veritable epidemic of parental interference. But I, for one, have not heard one prof ever mention being contacted by the parents of students.</p>
<p>Good point, Marite.
I think the issue is getting blown way out of proportion. There are some kids that need a little closer supervision than others, and most parents are pretty good at determining what their kid needs. (Whether or not they tolerate that is another thing). With cellphones and the internet, it's easy to stay very connected.. maybe even at times too connected, with our kids. I will admit that when I am on the computer, if I see my s. on line on my buddy list, often I will say hello. If he doesn't have time to talk, he says so. No problem. But would I consider contacting one of his professors or messing with his schedule? No way. That's certainly not my place. As I said in another thread, one of my s's roommates took ownership of arranging to have the electricity turned on in their duplex. Well, there was a snafoo and it didn't happen as planned. He (the roommate) hasn't seemed to have learned how to tactfully deal with this situation, and tried to yell/bulldoze his way up the chain of command, with no success. After that failed, my s. asked me to call (as I am usually pretty successful at being polite, but persistent). However, I declined, as it was likely that all sorts of negative notes were likely already in their record, so no matter who I tried to talk to, it'd probably have been futile. So, they went 4 days in the horrific heat/humidity without power, putting their furniture together in the apt. (and they were one of the LAST places on the guy's route on Weds-- they must have really pi-s-s-ed off the folks at the utility co!!). Did they survive? Yes. Could it have been handled differently? Yes. Did they learn something? I hope so. Did I help them? Indirectly (they stayed in a hotel 2 of the 3 nights). Would I offer that again? Yes. I am not overprotective. I am nice. And I am a mother. Not interested in making them suffer to prove a point. I care about the guys. I don't think that's a bad thing.</p>
<p>OOO I think many a parent has contacted a prof or school official about their kiddo for some reason or another - that is a definite NO NO NO - we should not be crossing that line at the curb of the campus except for financial issues or health issues - these kids have to learn to deal and cope with what comes along - sure that may include calling home for info or advice - nothing wrong with that at all - but for a prent to barge in and take over every little thing will eventually backfire when the real world is upon their students. Is mom going to call the boss so sonny boy can leave early for her b'day??? I don't think so - or geeeeeepers i sure hope not - not so much different from calling a prof or college coach or whoever to 'fix' something that their kiddo isn't happy with or is struggling with.</p>
<p>JYM626 - love your story - bet they have learned a good lesson - sometimes that is what it takes - and it didn't hurt them any.</p>
<p>I actually do know of a parent who calls the school/college qite often - to 'fix' things for her kiddo - it makes me cringe every time she tells me about it - i just want to say LET GO - LET HER DEAL - LET HER GROW!!!!!</p>
<p>Thanks, jeepmom.</p>
<p>I am still scratching mosquito bites from all the mosquitos that got in while we had every door/window open to let in whatever air we could. I bought some bug repellant the second day, but apparently the DEET content was too high for these environmentally-conscious guys. (Not for me- I used it as needed the last day I was there). However, they did use the spray to kill a big bug of some sort. I don't want to know what.</p>
<p>I think college life should be as independent as possible for college students because it prepares them for the real world</p>
<p>Some parents worry about sex, drugs,and parties without sufficient parental supervision</p>
<p>Well, in the real world, sex and drugs are open to anybody willing to try them. If you don't let your kids experience or know these things before they graduate, I would expect them to jump right into them just for the sake of finally being able to try them out</p>
<p>MY previous post is mostly directed torwards parents that forbid dating until completion of grad school. This is ridiculous. Without any prior experience, how you do expect your child to have enough time to find the love of his life and marry that person? Dating in highschool is pretty resonable</p>
<p>For what its worth, I worked out of the home when my kids were small - both my kids were in day care from infancy. When my son was in his teens I started working from home - so it's pretty much been that way since. </p>
<p>I think the most significant thing in terms of my kids' independence was my breakup with their dad. The nomadic lifestyle - being shunted regularly between parents & grandparents -- doesn't leave a lot of room for coddling.</p>
<p>Even parental helicoptering has to be split amicably between divorced spouses. I accompanied my son to college on move-in day; me ex is the one who went to campus for the family day in October. It makes for a different dynamic.</p>
<p>CALMOM - that certainly does not sound like helicoptering parenting at all - sounds pretty normal to me under different circumstances - a good balance for your DS - but not the overinvolvement of some parents</p>
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parents that forbid dating until completion of grad school. This is ridiculous
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. Yes, agorophobic, that does sound ridiculous. And impossible. Who can possibly stop their adult children from dating? I was 27 when I completed grad school. Fat chance my parents could have influenced my dating decisions then. Besides, I think they would rather have had the grandchildren (which they didn't get til 7 and 10 yrs later!)</p>
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i mean, how much fun is life if someone else is helping you every step of the way and doing it for you? the most fun is when you try things for yourself. and not every college student experiences those four years as alcohol-intoxicated as you seem to think.
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<p>I wouldn't mind people doing stuff for me. I don't really care about independence. <em>shrugs</em></p>
<p>Our local paper reprinted the "Helicopter Parent" article last week, which generated this letter to the editor today. While I may not fully agree with some of the comments, I thought it was a pretty good defense of parental involvement. </p>
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This 'helicopter mom' is staying for the duration</p>
<p>As my husband and I prepare to send our first child to college this week, I was offended by the article about interfering,meddling "helicopter parents." The woman who wrote the article clearly doesn't understand what is involved in applying to college, like how many months it takes to make sure your child has the right courses. Maybe she doesn't even have children. Do you know how to fill out a FAFSA form? Does your 18-year-old? I doubt it! She also said that administrators feel that the student should make sure they have the right courses. When the administration tells the student the course is closed and they have to stay an extra semester (which happens quite often), then the helicopter parent calls and says they are not paying for an extra semester, the course miraculously has an extra spot. Can your 22-year-old do that? I think not! So lady, say what you want about us meddling, interfering parents, our hearts are in the right place, and they need us. When my children are self-sufficient, then I'll butt out. Until then this "helicopter parent" is flying in and staying for the duration.
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<p>It is one thing to try to solve every little problem for a student and another to stay in contact. I don't see it as "helicoptering" if my D and I exchange a few thoughts every day while we are both on the computer. It is normal for us to want to keep in contact with each other, and the recent technology makes it easier to do so. Before phones, all communications with parents needed to be done by mail. I don't think anyone wants to go back to those days.</p>