If this were my kid (who also has a boyfriend and is very sad to leave him), I would want to know the refund policy at the first school before committing to a decision. Then, if she insists on the change, I would strongly encourage her to live on campus at the “commuter” school, at least for the first year, since there’s still housing available. Maybe do as @Madison85 suggests and have her test out that commute for a few days in a row. Otherwise, this doesn’t sound like a terrible choice. Wanting to graduate with no debt is reasonable. Being scared to leave home is normal. The boyfriend situation is what it is. It remains to be seen what will happen with that. I made some very similar choices (although I never committed to the more distant school) and for some similar reasons at that age. I was an undelcared major, commuted an hour each way, all four years, married the HS boyfriend (who started at community college but ended up with a graduate degree), and we are sending the second of our three children off to a distant college next week.
It sounds like either way, your daughter will be at a solid school and be on her way to getting a good education.
Did you note that the OP has learned that the commuter school still has housing available?
Sounds like the best compromise is for the daughter to go to the commuter school but live on campus.
@redeye41 , trust your instincts. Parenting means not letting our children make monumentally stupid, impulsive, live-affecting mistakes out of inexperience and naivete. You know you need to do something or you wouldn’t have posted the question.
While I respect other people’s rights to parent their children as they see fit, I think those telling you to “let her learn the hard way” are 100% wrong. Do not listen to them. We’re not talking about a mistake like buying an expensive pair of shoes on your credit card or drinking too many wine coolers. These are major, nearly irreversible decisions.
You are “The Mother” – the most powerful position in the world. Like any superhero, use that power for good: educate, inform, beg, plead, negotiate, illustrate, cajole, bargain… use everything at your disposal. If you are successful, she will thank you forever, and if not, you know you did everything you could have.
You can make her see the right choice, and I believe you will.
Post, in some families “The Father” is the most powerful position in the world. He holds the checkbook, his word is law.
You have no idea what this family’s dynamic has been up until this point, and have no idea if cajoling and bargaining with the D could be at all effective.
Don’t assume.
Guess you’ll have to decide HOW big of a mistake your D could be making before continuing the fight.
I’m in the “live and let learn” club but not for the BIG stuff. Some decisions are just too long reaching and have too much of an impact on life. If I thought this was a truly awful decision I’d keep at it. Parents may not know everything but kids can be pretty stupid no matter their SAT scores.
Before this was a “done deal” I’d throw this ball back to its participants. You are the one doing the calling and research. Make your D work for it if she wants it. Give her the list of questions you have and make HER call to get herself situated. Some answers you’ve figured out already but since things change daily–make her call again (which would probably be necessary anyways). Just because she threw the curve doesn’t mean you have to be the only one scrambling to catch it.
Questions I’d ask:
Did you check to see if the scholarship is still in play? What is the cost difference with or without?
Is the first university a LOT better? Does it have majors she’d be interested in? (One of her points)
Are the universities really different? Size? student body?
You’ve been undermined by your husband with the “daddy’s girl” syndrome. He simply doesn’t see it. It’s like blinders on a horse. Just know it is a common occurrence and you aren’t alone.
I will echo some PPs. The father is undermining you. It took me almost to the end of reading the OP to realize the parents are still married. You need to be on one page, it all is lost, like so many things in parenting.
About the boyfriend…my HS boyfriend went to college out of state. I had another year in HS. Then I wanted to stay close to my mother and went to college locally at a school which was academically a very bad fit. I transferred to boyfriend’s college, which turned out to be a great fit for me…I married the boyfriend at 23. We are still married. Be careful dissing the boyfriend. You never know.
And don’t give the advice asked for and risk her taking other bad advice?
Uh-uh.
I’d rather assume it’s the more common dynamic with the best intent and let the OP correct me if necessary.
Also it sounds from her post that the father is passive about the issue and she WANTS to be proactive, so I feel I am simply encouraging what we both think is correct.
The boyfriend hasn’t been dissed by anyone.
In fact, the OP said he encouraged her to go to the original school He isn’t holding her back.
But she may be holding herself back because of her feelings for him. Two different scenarios.
All the people I know who choose a school based on a boy/girlfriend ended up regretting it when they invariably broke up. On the other hand, I know a few high school sweethearts who went separate ways for college, then got together again after graduating.
I think the boyfriend is a neutral in this situation. You’re not going to change the kid’s mind by arguing boyfriend statistics. It is what it is in that regard. I have no issue with either of my D’s boyfriends following them to their college as long as the college is a good fit for both of them outside of their relationship. That will either work out or it won’t, but it won’t impact their education.
Is there another option for commuting? In my city, even if someone lives outside the city, the student could drive to a park and ride and take public transportation to at least 10 schools, from community colleges to the flagship to private universities. At some of these schools, almost everyone gets there by bus or light rail, including the professors.
Commuting for an hour is quite common in some places. I did it for grad school, and it didn’t seem odd at all. I lived in a suburb so that my brother could live with me and finish high school after our parents moved. It was even a little closer than I’d been commuting for a job (into the city). Because I wasn’t always going at rush hour, sometimes it was faster than a commute to my job.
I do think it is time to have a family conference and discuss everything - living arrangements, costs, academic goals, the boyfriend and both schools.
If she could housing at the commuter school then let her go. Before you and your husband make any decision find out the refund policy at the 1st school. If you do let her make the change let her know this will be the last change on your dollar.
The OP said that her H agreed to paying for the commuter school completely because there were no housing costs. Will he agree to her dorming there? If not, that plan might be problematical or again lead to loans for the D.
This is your problem, not your daughter. I’d suggest having a private conversation with your husband to find out why he thinks this is okay. When it comes to major expenses, if my husband and I don’t agree the check doesn’t get written.
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IMHO, this is the reason. Just IMHO. I would not spend too much time on commuter/non-commuter discussion … Good luck!
I hate that your daughter threw you curve ball but this is what 18 year olds do. Since the commuter school is also a good school I would give her a choice. Either she sticks with the original plan and dad pays the portion she was going to pay or she can only go to the commuter school if she lives on campus and pays the deposit from the old school if it is not refundable. After year one she can transfer to the school of her choice without any conditions. With changes come consequences. Best of luck to you and please let us know how things work out.
I think your daughter has cold feet about moving to a “sleep-away” college. That’s why she wants to commute. The BFF may be part of it, but the real issue is that she doesn’t think she’s ready.
Take her out by herself and try to get her to open up. This may be something you can solve.
With weather issues I’d only let her attend commuter school if housing really works out. Have her look at course schedule for that school. Maybe if some class sections are only offered late in day she might figure out actual commuting is bad idea.
You could ask her where she is going to live when she goes to the local college. Her assumption is probably your house but…
I agree that your daughter (and husband) are making a mistake here.
But let’s also bring some perspective to the situation. This is your daughter choosing one good college with less than ideal conditions over another good college with a better environment.
I’m saying this not to minimize your concerns, of course. It’s just that she’ll probably get a great education either way. Let her make her own way. She might realize her mistake or this may be the best decision for her - it’s hard to tell from the outset.