Not trying to offer parenting advice, just had a thought while following this thread: does your husband have any issues with letting go of your daughter? My mom has said all sorts of things that if I weren’t as stubborn as I am would have browbeaten me into staying home. Not saying it’s that bad, I’m just wondering if your husband is playing on your daughter’s anxiety with his own.
I am kind of surprised everyone seems to be ignoring the second line by OP: “The bill is paid.” At the very least, let’s estimate that the bill is about $10,000. Even if it’s $5,000, we are not just taking about a deposit of a few hundred bucks. Sure, teens need to suffer consequences, but a line must be drawn and OP seems unable to do it. Yes, sometimes money is the most important factor in a situation and this is surely one of those times. OP and her husband are not communicating effectively, teen knows this and plays it to her advantage. OP asked for advice, and here is mine, again: your teen needs to pay back any money lost in pursuing this new plan. By all means, let her do it, but not without holding her accountable. There is NO accountability for this kid.
I assume she is getting some sort of FA at the original school. She would very likely not able to get the same aid if she should change her mind later. Like others, I don’t think she should commute to the “commuter school.” I would tell her to go to the original school for a year and if she doesn’t like it then she could transfer. would OP be able to get the tuition back at this point?
Are you and her father married and living in the same house? I couldn’t glean that from your post. If money is unlimited (as seems to be the case), make sure she has a safe AWD car with good tires. And let her make her mistake, if it really is one. Not sure you have other options.
I suspect finances are a big part of the husband’s reasoning. In OPs other threads she mentions he wants to retire next year.
I understand why commuting is an issue for OP. They apparently live in NYS. Commuting to Stony Brook is different than trying to commute to Buffalo or Binghamton. The weather makes driving hazardous for experienced drivers. If OP is closer to the SUNYs in the snowbelt, I think she has reason to be concerned.
I think college is a secondary issue. I’m a SAHM too, but there’s no way I’d allow my husband to make such a major decision without me. OP said he’s ignoring her “advice.” I don’t give advice, I put in a vote, and if there aren’t 2 yesses for major expenditures then the answer’s no. And children don’t get a vote. That’s the issue I’d be addressing.
@austinmshauri Amen to that. I would be piss if my husband was making a decision to spend this much money without me being onboard with it.
I think this is just a dumb decision on the daughter’s part - better school with a better environment, AND living on campus?? Why is this even a choice? Sure, she could do well at the commuter school, and it may not be too shabby academically. But she is compromising her future for a boyfriend who’s actually encouraging her to go away.
Dumb, just dumb. And the most disappointing part is that her father is enabling it all.
You should be able to take charge and claim your own stake in this massive decision. Prevent your daughter from making a foolish mistake that could affect her for the rest of her life. Tell her to attend the original school for at least one year (or 1.5 years) or risk paying you back if she chooses to attend this commuter school. If she STILL chooses the second option, she does so at her own peril.
Good luck. I’ll be following to see how this plays out.
I’ve always wished there were magic words for situations where you think people are making huge mistakes in life choices. Some words to clear their minds long enough to at least consider your advice would be nice.
Unfortunately all the advice is coming from mom and teens chalk “mom advice” up to “being mom”. Somehow the words “I say this because I love you and want the best” gets translated to “mom is a control freak–ignore her”. I get it in some ways because moms spend their entire lives running herd, making rules and controlling chaos. That’s why mom and dad really need a united front in this situation.
I have a very good friend who dealt with something very similar to this situation (not a last minute switch but just poor choice for college). Her kid’s college choice was of less prestige (not terrible but if you have a choice it would be a no brainer for most kids). Everybody tried to talk sense (except the bio dad)–it was ignored totally as “mom is just trying to get her friends to change my mind.” The bio father wanted the commuter school–cause he had a condo and figured kid could be there and save a few bucks. And yeah, he charged the kid rent. Now kid (after many trials and tribulations) admits it was a terrible choice to begin with and should have listened to mom for a whole list of reasons.
I can tell you with great certainty that the ability to say “I told you so” gives very little satisfaction when your parenting job changes to picking up the pieces of a decision gone wrong.
@LBad96 wrote
I know your heart’s in the right place, but until you are a spouse and a parent, you don’t understand how hurtful it is to say this to the OP.
I’m sure (as a parent and a spouse) that this is how she would like the scenario to play out, but there are factors in play preventing it (and probably breaking her heart).
@MotherOfDragons hurtful? How so??
Dude, I can’t explain it to you in a way you’ll understand because you’re not a parent or a spouse.
@Lbad96, Some stay at home parents have no power. When my kids were younger the mom of one of their friends was a SAHM. The dad had final say on all financial decisions. The girl eventually became old enough to understand it and became a real daddy’s girl and had zero respect for the mom. I wouldn’t have stood for such a situation, but some women do and for various reasons (no financial alternatives or family support, they don’t believe in divorce, they wouldn’t have enough to live or retire on in the event of a divorce, etc). It’s a hard cycle to break.
In the case of my children’s friend, the girl had decent guidance from the mom of another friend and mellowed toward the mom in high school. During her senior year the dad was unexpectedly laid off and the (college educated) mom went back to work. They’re still a one income family, but now the mom’s making the income. Once her daughter graduates, she’s filing for divorce. So yes, it broke her heart. But it hardened it along the way too.
I think it’s worth a try, yes. You’ve laid out some very good points in favor of the other school for your D (and her dad) to consider.
How? Maybe write them down in the form of a note, or call a family meeting too discuss, whatever works in your family for this kind of thing.
I agree that if you and Dad can discuss ahead of time that would be most helpful.
You said that you already paid the bill for the original college. Are you able to get your money back since she hasn’t started college yet?? I hope so
I can understand why you thought we were divorced, but that’s a whole other topic! He just refuses to listen to me and sides with her and it’s become a real strain. He says she will know what’s best for her. But she has never been to college and we have, and I have attended this one. I don’t understand why he is acting like this.
We are supplying the car. She wasn’t going to have a car at her first college, it’s in a large city and there was no need.
He will agree to her dorming at the commuter school but told her she’d need to pay for some of it, which was always the agreement at school #1.
That has always been the case in our house before-- if we don’t agree on big expenses, they aren’t done. But he is adamant that she make all of her college choices and she knows no matter what I say she can do what she wants. I am so frustrated and my husband and I have had major arguments over the whole thing. He actually commuted to a cc his first two years and didn’t want our daughter doing that. Now because she wants to commute, he seems fine with it. I just don’t understand.
I am! And he’s made me feel like I am horribly wrong for feeling the way I do. That’s one reason I posted here-- to validate my feelings. I have learned a lot on CC and I knew people would tell me if I was wrong in my thinking on this matter.
You are right on with that post!