My 21 year old daughter was starting her 4th semester dorming about 3 hrs away. She has been stating she is unhappy with dorming pretty much from when she started last year. However, she called crying yesterday saying she couldn’t go back and she just wants to come home for certain. We tried to coerce her out of it, but to no avail. She signed out today and packed up her car. Homeward bound she is. We already have told her she will have to work full time or close to full time while doing some volunteer work until she can figure out what she wants to do next year. She liked the program she was in and is talking about applying to a college about 50-60 min away that she is saying she will commute to (although I think she will tire of all that commuting VERY quickly). She said if she can’t get in, she might work from now to then and save up so she can get her own apartment off campus instead of living in the dorms. I have a VERY strong feeling if she went that route, she would end up sharing an apartment with her boyfriend of 3 years. If your child did this, what would you do? Would you pay for her part of the apartment as long as she held up her grades? We had told her that we could pay what we did this year, so the difference between living there and not living there would be what we could contribute for a yearly apartment, with her making up the difference. HOWEVER, this was intended if she lived with another college mate or herself, not to shack up with her boyfriend.
Just make sure she didn’t just drive away! She MUST formally withdraw from ALL of her courses and the college. Otherwise, she runs the risk of getting F grades in all of them…and being fully billed (don’t know if you are within the refund window for this term…or not).
Yes, she went through the proper procedures lol. We are out 20%(not lol).
Can you clarify? Is her boyfriend at the school she just left? Or is he at home where she is on her way toward?
@reneegavin Do you know why she left? What was the issue at school if she is already looking to go somewhere else? Was it a dorm mate or classes? Is she going to get counseling or talk to someone about it? As STEM2017 asked where is the boyfriend?
He lives about 1 hr from the college she just left and about 2 hrs from the 1st college she is considering closer to home. If she can’t get into that one, she is thinking of going back to the one she just left next year and getting an off campus apartment.
She has always said she wants to have her own quiet place to go to at the end of the day. She does not party and has never been into sports, and she said that made it really hard to find people to hang out with. She would leave every single weekend and stay at her boyfriend’s (his mom’s house), or he would go there, with the occasional visit home once a monthish. Leaving each weekend also didn’t help her to meet people. She does have a bit of social anxiety, which I’m sure didn’t make it any easier.
Why didn’t she just look at off campus housing before now? Is that something you are not open to? I cannot imagine that many kids love campus living after the first week. Your kid has thrown in college because of housing, is that it? Was it about sharing a room? I cannot IMAGINE she actually wants to live at home.
This sounds more like a boyfriend issue than a ‘dorm’ issue. She has probably run into problems with having her boyfriend visit her and she’s fed up. If this is the case, try to help her to understand the bigger picture. I don’t know them or understand their relationship, but getting an apartment together doesn’t sound like a good idea at this point in their lives. Getting their degrees is the best idea at this point in their lives.
She has been dorming in the same room for 1 1/2 years now. The roomate was definitely a large part of the issue. I don’t think the bf had anything to do with it since she saw him way more there than she will here. Although I am not closed to the idea of living off campus, I just don’t know how affordable it is. We were chipping in quite a bit for her school, and we CANNOT pay anymore than we have been yearly, along with her Fafsa loans. Even paying that amount will get her 2 more years, but not anything towards her masters. We are also unfamiliar with the safe areas around the school. However, she never came to us with any research either.
We don’t know your D, but, just saying, some of us don’t call it shacking up.
3 years is not a short time relationship. Do you have reasons not to like her bf? Or think she won’t complete her degree?
Btw, we were not full pay. When one of mine said she wanted to move near her then SO, we just said, No, not paying for her only option in that area, a primarily vocational that would offer no aid.
I have no issues with the bf aside of him not being very ambitous. I guess I feel of they want to be adults and live together, they should foot the bill. I was going to school when I moved in wuth my hubby, and while my parents continued to help pay for schooling, they certainly didn’t offer to pay half of our rent.
This sounds like a recipe for quitting school to be able to “foot the bill.”
Sorry, but I think she needs your adult guidance. She needs your help understanding that if she likes the program, she should find a way to finish the program. If her relationship with her bf is strong, he’ll still be around when she’s done. Especially if he knows she’ll have a good job to support him. 
Is there an option to get a single room at her school next fall? Is it possible for you to tell her that she can get a single on campus next fall if she pays whatever extra it costs? How many juniors and seniors live off campus at her school?
She said the single dorms at the school she left were like hospital rooms in an incredibly old, dingy building. However, I’m not sure what kind of apartment she thinks she will get.
This is possible. . She had said on numerous occasions that she wishes she could just work and find a place, although she would never want to live totally alone…hence my thoughts about her and the bf planning something
My best guess is that the dorms are not the real issue regarding your daughter’s unhappiness. It may help if she could spend some time with an experienced counselor at her school or, since she has withdrawn, a licensed counselor who is comfortable addressing teen/early twenties maturity & relationship issues. Maybe she is experiencing some fears & insecurities that should be verbalized & put in perspective. She may be dealing with opposing forces from parents, roommate, status as a student & boyfriend/commitment issues.
That’s the thing about being 20 years old. You live in an incredibly old, dingy building by yourself- or you live in a somewhat nicer place with a roommate, or you live in a much nicer place with a bunch of roommates. Or you move back in with mom and dad, get a job, and figure things out.
I would not be inclined to swoop in and “rescue” a kid who is now in a bit of pickle entirely of her own making. She’s withdrawn from college- OK. Next step is hers. Getting a transcript, figuring out the living situation, coming up with first and last months rent plus a security deposit if she wants to live off-campus- that’s on her. I’d remind my kid of whatever financial commitment I’d made (tuition of X, living expenses of Y) and then have her quickly realize that moving into an apartment costs money; turning on the internet/electricity costs money; coming up with the security deposit- more money.
Give her some time to come to terms with the hole she’s dug here. And if the roommate was a problem, why on earth would she agree to live with her a second year?
I’d calmly reiterate my financial commitment and limitations and then let her figure it out. And the boyfriend? I’d leave that out. Who she ends up living with is nowhere near as problematic as a kid leaving college thinking that she can support herself based on what- minimum wage?
I’m confused on the roommate part as well. If the situation was so bad that she’s left an academic program she likes, then why did she continue to room with this person?
They roomed together last semester, and are ok, although the roommates negativity was becoming overbearing. This year, it turned into racism debates, really raunchy talk with other friends, bragging about how ghetto she is, etc…The personality seemed to change alot from what I understand