Ok, very positive update. After a long talk with daughter and “commuter school” counselors, admissions and residence life, we may have come to a fair agreement among all parties. Daughter will attend commuter school and will live on campus for at least one year. Here’s how we got there:
“Commuter” school is still offering daughter her scholarship, husband confirmed this as I had a hard time believing they hadn’t given the money to another student. This makes “commuter” school $3,000 less per year w/ living on campus than school #1. Daughter will forfeit $300 for withdrawing from school #1, this confirmed from the school, so it’s not that big of a deal especially with the net cost of commuter school being less.
My sister wonders if maybe my daughter chose school #1 because it is higher ranked and at daughter’s HS, awards night and graduation makes a big deal about the school you will be attending. Only 2 students were accepted into school #1 from daughter’s high school, and 5-10 were accepted into “commuter school”. Although daughter had liked “commuter school” when we visited, she said at her school, because it was close to home, it was looked at as the school “everybody went to”. After graduation daughter may now see that it is a very good school even if close to home. And how competitive it actually is. Daughter neither confirmed nor denied this.
It just happened to be daughter was filling out her loan promisary note last week. This could also be the reason she got nervous over “debt”. I can’t be mad at her over that, who wants debt? And she’s never owed anyone a dime. We have agreed to pay 100% of college costs for her first year, and if she becomes involved and gets good grades, we may agree to pay 100% all four years. Daughter wants to go to grad school. I think after the one year of living on campus she won’t want to commute. I am glad she agreed to one year on campus, at least.
Husband is a very (usually!) easy going person who had no problem commuting to a CC and then transferring to a very large, major university and moving in with a group of guys who were all friends who had posted a “room mate wanted” sign. No problem making friends or jumping right in. I reminded him while daughter is outgoing, she would never do this. She really needs the freshmen on campus first year experience. When daughter agreed to it, he admitted this was true.
Concerning her major, I noticed some one recognized me from the music forum. From 5th grade until about the beginning of Senior year, daughter was decided and determined to major in music performance. At the beginning of Sr year she sat both my husband and I down and told us although she loved music and was still practicing and taking extra lessons, she just wanted to make all-state and win a certain competition. She realized she didn’t want to devote her life to practice or any other music career. I asked her to take a few weeks off and think about it. She had put so much time and energy in and we had her evaluated by a respected college music professor on her instrument and he had encouraged her to audition at top music schools. Although I tried not to show it, I think daughter could see I was disappointed there would be no music study. She has such great talent and we were behind her 100%. But maybe my disappointment led her to approach her father first when wanting to change schools last week. If you don’t know a lot about music performance, we had to start looking at completely different schools after she decided she wasn’t studying music. And that had to start after senior year had already started. So it was rushed.
Daughter likes things planned out. She refused to apply to schools without a major. She ended up choosing Communications and English when she applied. Now she wants to study Geology, Physics or Applied Economics. Maybe education. She has never expressed interest in those majors before. The good thing is “commuter school” told us on Friday they recommend their undecided program. Daughter at first balked as she insiststed on a planned major ahead of time. “Commuter” school has convinced her their undecided program will help her get some gen Ed classes out of the way while a required two semester sequence in courses for only undecided majors that concentrate on discovering yourself and picking a major is required and very helpful. Reassured, daughter agreed to this.
So she will be attending “commuter school” as an undecided student living on campus. Although I think school #1 has a lot to offer, is better ranked and and I personally think was the better choice, I think “commuter” school is what daughter needs NOW. And she will receive an excellent education. She loves to travel and they have an excellent study abroad program as well. “Commuter” school offers a BA in music, not performance, and although she isn’t interested in a music degree we hired the orchestra director as an accompanist for a competition she was in and he said “if you attend my school, I want you in my orchestra.” She says she will do this, so I can see her perform still only an hour away.
I flat out told husband I would not accept his treating me like an aside and an uninvolved parent again (for those of you worried about my marriage 
) He says I yell to much. I said not if he would listen the first time. Yes we will work on that.
So I think we have a solution everyone can live with, and daughter is extremely lucky “commuter” school has allowed this, given her the scholarship, and been so helpful at the last minute. Their welcoming and helpful staff has made me think she will be in good hands. They have an unpublished orientation she must attend before she can start classes. It’s a few days before school begins. (It’s unpublished to accommodate students like daughter or those that miss required orientation and because it’s unpublished it doesn’t fill up.) She registers for classes then… I wonder what’s still open! And I will say, with “commuter school” being so kind, #1 school, which I said I thought was a bit of a reach for daughter, made promises a few times they didn’t keep. I did get a little bit of a “you are all lucky to be here” vibe. Daughter’s new school seems helpful and respectful yet I know it is challenging. I think this will workout for the best.
Agree?