<p>Unless your son is at a service academy, (plebe year is supposed to seriously challenge you academically, physically and mentally, and everyone is pretty miserable) then I don't see any real value him being as unhappy as he sounds. He should seek out somewhere he will be most likely to excel and usually it helps to be happy and not using up energy on negativity.</p>
<p>I think the fact that the friends he has made, the people most like himself, are also unhappy enough to transfer. He is not the only one who feels this way. Since he is only a freshman, I'd look for another college because 4 years is a really long time. After his friends leave, he may be even more isolated and that degree of unhappiness can't be good for grades. Better to be happy and make excellent grades at a different school.</p>
<p>What makes your S think that life will be any better at another school? If he is miserable to the point that he can't function, then he should look at other schools. </p>
<p>But his inability to "fit in" just may follow him anywhere he chooses to go !!!</p>
<p>Taking a year off to think about it may well be helpful. It would give him a chance to consider his options, while not buried in the rat race of premed grade obsession. If he gets a health-related or research position, it could even help his med school applications.</p>
<p>Freshman year at any top college will be a major step up from high school in intensity. Everyone is a top student, and the professors expect alot. He may benefit from going to the office that helps students who are struggling academically. Even if he is getting good grades, he is suffering under the load, and perhaps they can help him with study habits.</p>
<p>If he was happy and popular in high school, college should be the same way. There are lots of great colleges that can be the launching pad for a medical career. Just be sure that it is the particular college, not the adjustment, that is the problem. Large universities, as noted above, are so heterogeneous that it is not likely to be true that all other students fit into these narrow types.</p>
<p>Mkm, something sounds off here. Im not doubting your word and I know how agonizing it is to have a stressed and unhappy child on the telephone, but this situation just doesnt add up. How does a kid who was popular in high school, a leader involved in sports and other ECs, find himself unable to make a lasting friend or do anything but study at a college of 6000? Even if things came easily to him in high school he didnt get to be editor or captain without exhibiting a fair amount of inter-personal skills. So where did they go?</p>
<p>I think before he bails out he should try to isolate the problem. Maybe the academic stress real or perceived -- is too intense and forcing him to obsess study more and longer at the exclusion of everything else. (Everything done just right is a clue.) Maybe hes had a personal relationship go sour? Maybe hes just in a bad living arrangement? I think you and he need to probe more deeply into the cause of his anxiety. Id suggest that he try to meet with a counselor on campus, either secular or religious. He sounds to me as if hes reacting emotionally and isnt going to necessarily benefit from a logical solution. </p>
<p>Id also suggest that you take a look at his course load. Yes, pre-med is rigorous and competitive, but it isnt necessarily lethal, especially in freshman year. Many kids in the sciences at rigorous schools also balance a healthy personal life and outside interests. The question is why does he feel that he has to choose one or the other?</p>
<p>You dont mention your geographic closeness. Maybe you and/or your older son who sounds like he can roll with the punches could pay a visit and try to get a face-to-face appraisal of how serious this situation really is. Kids under pressure often exaggerate when they complain to their parents. The fact that hes talking to you is a good sign, but his anxiety level seems excessive and worrisome.</p>
<p>Theres no stigma attached to transferring, even from a prestigious pressure cooker to a less stressful environment. The process of identifying and applying however is in itself stressful and he may not be in the right frame of mind to evaluate and act on his choices.</p>
<p>Leaving the comfort zone of a hs and community a student lived in for a period of time, where he knew his neighbors, teachers and others for years, etc. and going far away to college, where he knows no one, can adversely affect some freshmen. </p>
<p>Your son is not "king of the hill" at college the way that he may have been in hs. He may be faced with an environment where many other freshman were also king of the hill...at home, and now, he must compete for attention and recognition!</p>
<p>And he doesn't know how to handle the environment. But will he be able to handle it anywhere else?</p>
<p>Perhaps the big fish would like a smaller pond.</p>
<p>I don't have anything new to add but I wanted to reinforce the point about premed. My D considers herself premed and has a tremendous workload as a sophomore. Taking two lab sciences a semester immediately puts a kid onto a path of heavy academic commitment. Even so, there are fewer class hours even in a demanding college program than there were in high school, so if the right mix of kids is there, a student will have time to find them--just may nto have as much time to spend with friends as one would like. If you son is really unhappy it might be a good idea to prepare a transfer application, but he should also think about what kind of kids he is hoping to find and consider whether it is a realistic hope. He should also keep in mind that he is in a very demanding field and the workload is not going to ease off until he has completed the science requirements. Good luck.</p>
<p>I don't have much to add either except I've been through the same thing with my oldest daughter. She hated her school for the first 2 years (Cornell) and struggled with the idea of transferring somewhere else that was maybe less prestigious but where she would be happier. She ended up staying and graduated but I wish we had given more thought as to where she might feel more comfortable.</p>
<p>How about suggesting summer school (if you can afford it?) as a way to help him ease up academically this semester to invest in some EC's? We know lots of pre-meds who do Organic Chem over the summer (that seems to be the killer) in order to preserve their sanity. That gives them time for some volunteer work, joining a club, going to poetry readings or plays or whatever else is going on at his campus. He's more likely to meet nice kids if he's "out there" than if he's hiding in his room studying.</p>
<p>It's also worth noting that as the son of a physician, you may need to give him permission to decide that it isn't college he hates... it's being pre-med. The happiest pre-meds I know are the ones who are majoring in something else-- philosophy, literature, or whatever. If your son is feeling that he's given up his other interests just for "pre-med", no wonder he's unhappy.</p>
<p>Quote: "The unhappy one tends to be very anal---everything done just right. Needless to say the grades are good, but the psyche is suffering."</p>
<p>It may be that your son was used to being the "top of the class" or "king of the hill" in high school, and is now surrounded by kids just as smart and just as accomplished. I think this could happen anywhere. It may have nothing at all to do with the "social" side of the campus. You will get the same kids at "social" universities or "Not so social" LAC's.</p>
<p>Many students have a hard time adjusting to the fact that they may no longer be the "best" at everything. He will be surrounded by smart,accomplished, ambitious peers at any top school. </p>
<p>Another thought, he could also just be homesick.</p>
<p>momrath, think u hit on something. He had a girlfriend still in high school that things went bad with early in 1st semester. We do live close, so he came home to see her many weekends when school first started. I wonder if that was when so many cliques were formed and since he wasn't around on the weekend, he missed out on the times when everyone new was meeting each other and forming social groups. </p>
<p>He also had some other challenges that first semester--got diagnosed with ADHD and a auditory processing disorder, went through bunches of medications to see what he could tolerate without too many side effects and also ended up with emergency appendectomy after weeks of GI ailments attributed to irritable bowel that looking back were probably chronic low grade appendicitis. He's lost 35lbs in the first semester (didn't need weight loss) and is upset because he couldn't lift weights for 8 weeks after surgery and that was his big stress reliever.</p>
<p>He does really like the academics there. He has started research with a chem prof. and seems to enjoy the personal relationships he has with other profs that a school this size can offer. </p>
<p>A larger school would have a more diverse population, but I think he would lose many of the things he does like about where he is now.</p>
<p>gsp-</p>
<p>I guess I totally agree with you. I posted my comment prior to reading your post #26.</p>
<p>It sounds like both the OP's son and somemom's daughter chose large universities, which could be part of the problem. They like the close-knit feeling of their high schools (and yes, any college will be different), so why didn't they look at LAC's? Those tend to have that same type of community feeling. You can get into medical school from a good LAC as well as from a private university. (I'd advise against transferring from one university to another, though - probably have the same problems.)</p>
<p>I went to a school that was a poor "fit" for me, but my parents wouldn't let me transfer. I had a miserable 4 years, even though I got a good education out of it. I wouldn't wish that on any kid.</p>
<p>Just curious, what college is your son at? I would have guessed Vanderbilt.Maybe if we know more about the specific college, someone who attended there can make more specific suggestions to both you and your son.</p>
<p>It is more than just a poor fit, its combination of things- check out the list:</p>
<p>Overloaded Schedule with little free time right now
Perfectionism
High school girlfriend
Few weekends at the school
hard breaking into established cirlces
small pond to big pond
not doing sports
not having the ECs he enjoyed
Weight loss, which can affect one mentally
Medication- which also can
Getting a "label"- while getting a diagnosis is good to work on a problem, sometimes it can be depressing having a new "label" that you are a bit different (I hope that comes across right)
Surgery and not being able to continue his exercising
perhaps not being totally honest with self about issues</p>
<p>It took some time to get info from Mom who is asking for advice (not a a problem, an obervation), so son may not even realize what is really bothering him</p>
<p>If you look at that list, its pretty overwhelming when seen in combination, so I think having son talk to someone would be helpful, and not to be bad about, maybe some tools will be given, because, while time will take care of some of the parts of the list, time can't change all of them</p>
<p>take care</p>
<p>Good summary CGM. I'm sorry I didn't reveal everything at beginning of post, guess it felt like whining. To answer Taxguy, he is at Wake.</p>
<p>its not whining at all, its just sometimes while being in the middle of a puzzle, you can't see all the pieces so questions need to be asked</p>
<p>and don't forget, going off to college in PERFECT circumstances can be rough</p>
<p>and to the list</p>
<p>PreMed
Competitive students</p>
<p>And think about it, all those things listed add up exponentially, while one by itself could be handled without help, several in combination can be overwhelming</p>
<p>If you son sees all the puzzle pieces, he can say, wow, I should be proud because my grades are strong, I have a good relationship with my Profs, my research is fun, and with time, i can exercise, my medication will be at the right dosage and I am enjoyi ng my studies</p>
<p>If he realizes what he has had to deal with and seen how well he has actually don, it might help</p>
<p>Hi mkm56 Mom from a Mom born in 56.<br>
My S also was admitted to Wake and liked many aspects of the campus..the chance for intimate relations with science lab teachers (Outstanding at Wake), small classrooms where teachers know your name and actually make sure you keep up, the big focus on physical fitness, the high school spirit for sports (female and male teams)..and the way everyone was outside playing intramurals by Friday at 3pm..we watched this one Friday. Big issue at Wake: Famous institutional stance on Grade Deflation, which most certainly deflates the egos of half the kids there pronto. (your son has weathered this one beautifully) Although Wake has some good geographic diversity in its student body, it is not exactly New York City and has some cultural limitations in its student body makeup, so your S is partly right with his three stereotypes (common categories at many fine schools), but I hope he will choose to work through this and give his classmates more time. Freshman year does not always bring out the best in students. understatement. Their Frat Rush scene just ended and can be very disheartening to watch if it is not your thing. By next year, much of that is forgotten and means nothing to a majority of students. Now is the time everyone is scrambling for roommate plans for next year, and some people have not found there crowd in one semester so this can be painful and a downer.
I remember being part of a herd of sheep (baaaa) for half my freshman year and attending many things that turned out to be total mismatches for me. I truly believe that many kids who seem stereotypical jocks, nerds, and spoiled affluent kids today will step out next year and show more character and individuate and find confidence to break from the crowd and express themselves in cooler ways. </p>
<p>This S of mine is the skeptic wry glass is always half empty person in my family. We miss him because he was so piercing in his daily commentary and funny as cynics often are, but having a more perfectionist personality in MHO and being selective and hypercritical about life leads to rockier transitions and spells of dissonance that sunnier personalities can weather more smoothly. Your guy may also simply be missing you and your perspective and the way you helped him balance out his life..and he has not yet been successful in finding his new peer group family that will be his sounding board and comfort zone. With his history, I have no doubt that he can build a very happy social life for himself given some time without illness, better ECs and a longer time period.</p>
<p>Your guy has had really big time significant physical challenges last semester. I am amazed that he got through that so well and kept up his academics and stayed in the game. I think my S would have been very blue with that physical disruption and body image challenge..no working out etc.</p>
<p>We have a local friend who is a senior at Wake right now. He is a doc's son and his mom is nurse practitioner extraordanaire here. He is such a straight up cool principled and kind person who wants to be a doctor and always puts out 100%. Here is what happened to him his first year at Wake. He went through frat rush with another home town boy. He was cut and not offered a bid. The other fellow got a bid and got swallowed up into frat world. OK..that was a bummer experience, ugh, so he joined the Biking Club and guess what found a much more satisfying peer group. He also faltered in one academic course...Wake is a tough school and then he had to go to summer school for a redux. Not great on the ego. Today he is ready for med school with a great circle of friends and he loves Wake and has made friends with many of the very caring teachers on staff.<br>
Anyway, I don't mean to imply that transfer is not a viable option..it might be good if the cultural issues are the central ones. But if it is more about making that circle of friends that support a guy day to day..give it time.
best wishes and let us know how the year fares. He sounds like a wonderful fellow.</p>
<p>It sounds like he is going through a lot, but it may not just be the school. Why not let him look at some other colleges - they don't have to be less prestigious if his grades are good. But more important, cut down his schedule. Sure, he has to take the labs for pre-med, but every school has "easy" courses and he should fill the rest of his schedule with those. (Duke for example offers credit for "Latin dancing"). Sign up for fewer courses next year and courses where he will meet different kids of students - history of Art? He needs more time to have fun. He is also dealing with a lot of non-school related issues. Again, let him look around - maybe there is a college that will seem a better fit. If he stays for another year, make Wake a better fit. This sn't the time for him to worry about if he graduates in exactly 4 years, or takes a course or two (at a different college) some summers hence.</p>