<p>I want to go to people's rooms to socialize with them but they always reject me :( With "white" lies of course</p>
<p>So what else can I do? I'm not very good with groups since everyone just talks to each other and ignores me</p>
<p>How are you sure they’re lying to you? They could just be busy.</p>
<p>But, if they are, maybe you should try not to show that you’re needy.</p>
<p>What are your activities/hobbies?</p>
<p>Find the student organization on campus that is based on that activity/hobby. Instant socialization. You don’t need to appear needy and intrude into people’s rooms… Going somewhere private uninvited is rude in my book, unless it is like an open party or something.</p>
<p>The main thing is - I don’t like most “traditional” activities. I especially dislike anything that’s organized, centralized, or formal (things that have a central speaker I have to listen to are pretty much things I automatically can’t do). I have ADD so I automatically zone out of anything that’s organized/centralized. I’ve looked for all of the clubs on campus but none of them interest me. And most of my interests (animal intelligence, transhumanism, theoretical ecology, consilience, discussing shared items from google reader, etc) are specialized niche interests so starting a club isn’t really an option. </p>
<p>I like computer games too, but I don’t even know how to start a computer game club simply because I have no contacts. But a starcraft club is starting this year so maybe I’ll join in (if it survives). Still though, it is sort of a problem when people just go to the event and do nothing but talk to their friends.</p>
<p>In fact, my ADD is the huge problem because it pretty much prevents me from joining any academic clubs - I can’t really learn unless things are presented in a written manner rather than a spoken manner.</p>
<p>Hell, a school version of reddit would be nice except that again, my school doesn’t have forums or anything so my lack of contacts means I can’t start anything.</p>
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<p>I know they’re rejecting me since they always have a bunch of their friends to hang out with. I’ve tried hanging out in a group but the same problem applies - they all talk to each other.</p>
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<p>You’re pretty much out of luck then. Look forward to that Starcraft thing, I guess.</p>
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<p>if it survives lol. if it’s what i think it is it’s a 500+ person national league.</p>
<p>[Collegiate</a> StarLeague](<a href=“http://www.cstarleague.com%5DCollegiate”>http://www.cstarleague.com)</p>
<p>lol i mean if the club survives :p</p>
<p>I’m not that great of a sc2 player so i can’t join a league :p</p>
<p>Ever think about philosophy club or psychology club?</p>
<p>They don’t exist. :(</p>
<p>I don’t get why neediness is shunned. Is it evolutionary instincts maybe? The needy are needy because (presumably) they are weak/deficient, and so are therefore excluded from the group/pack. Or is it more a reflection of our culture/society?</p>
<p>btw, I don’t really know what to suggest as I feel I don’t know your circumstances well enough. I suppose, though, that what you’re looking for is more sympathy than concrete instruction. Which is good, and fine, and expected. Ideally instruction that is infused with sympathy, maybe. I’m just not so good at providing that though, which is sort of sad, considering it’s one of the things I most want and want to do. But I feel I don’t know how.</p>
<p>enfieldacademy, wow, I <em>totally</em> like your reply <em>a lot</em>.</p>
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<p>Yes, definitely agreed! I don’t like it how neediness is shunned - in fact - i think better of people if they’re needy. And yeah, it’s probably because of both reasons (first evolutionary instincts, and then capitalistic culture).</p>
<p>But also to discourage the behavior since there would otherwise be no incentive for people not to act needy (and to beg off people)</p>
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<p>Aw I’m <em>very</em> glad you analyzed me. Yeah, I’m just looking for the random bits of replies that can sometimes be REALLY insightful. I feel better with sympathy, but I’m rational enough to realize that I also need some concrete instruction, preferably coming from people who appreciate my situation (namely, those who know how difficult ADD can be and those who can appreciate highly academic people like me).</p>
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<p>I bet you do. Anything to rationalize your anti-social behavior, right? You’re like the fat housewife who loves Tyra because she talks about all the challenging things women deal with - right before cutting to America’s Next Top Model. </p>
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<p>Why? Explain this one, because the smugness of this statement is too much for me to believe, so I must have misunderstood what you’re trying to say here.</p>
<p><a href=“first%20evolutionary%20instincts,%20and%20then%20capitalistic%20culture”>quote</a>
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<p>I’m sure the reason people don’t want to hang out with you is because of our capitalistic culture. Not because you’re a needy, anti-social freak.</p>
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<p>Of course you do, because you’re a weak person. In what realm of Starcraft is it socially acceptable to seek sympathy? It’s unbecoming and it’s pathetic. Nowhere, that’s where. Get over yourself.</p>
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<p>Here’s some concrete instruction:</p>
<p>Stop whining and get over the fact that people aren’t going to want to discuss totally arcane things like theoretical ecology with you for entertainment unless they’re high or in such a setting where that sort of discussion would be of mutual interest. Force yourself to expand your comfort zone and get involved in activities you may not be immediately open to and make some friends. Get involved in some intramural sport for crying out loud. Everbody’s bad at them, but they can be a lot of fun. For all of your varied philosophical interests, things like this aren’t rocket science.</p>
<p>Concrete advice? You came on here for one of three things:</p>
<p>1) Seeking advice
2) ■■■■■■■■
3) Seeking sympathy</p>
<p>If it’s 1, you just got some realistic advice. Expand your interests, go do things you normally wouldn’t do and the most unrealized thing may capture your interest, don’t ■■■■■ around people’s rooms if you aren’t invited. </p>
<p>If it’s 2, then I just wasted my time and energy.</p>
<p>If it’s 3, then you’ll get your sympathy from some chums on CC who are doing the exact same thing. All of you are pathetic.</p>
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<p>I think things get sort of confusing too, partly because of the differences of our conceptions of what it means to be needy. But so I was going to say originally that maybe you could associate with the others who maybe want (but are not succeeding in) making friends (if there are these people). Because chances are you probably have some things in common with them besides neediness, as predisposition to neediness is itself significant character-wise, I think. This is not very easy at all form my experience though, which is what makes it confusing. Even the people who are needy – and I’m really liking this word, what I more mean is socially struggling – have a hard time accepting the others in the same position, because they detest themselves and are ashamed of their own neediness. Which sort of makes sense as the end goal is to get rid of the neediness. It’s to find interesting/unique (probably not needy) friends where it (the neediness) can be bounded. So how we can learn to accept (and not shun) something that is inherently uncomfortable to be is the difficult thing, I think.</p>
<p>What’s sad and convoluted about the dejection of neediness is that its a pervasive thing, I think. Friendship is a sort of reciprocal neediness made subtle by the fact that the friends have each other. There is neediness but it is attenuated by the consolation that you have a friend.</p>
<p>I too think better of people who are needy (even if it is not obvious because they have friends). They seem to have more meaningful/true friendships, and I admire those types of people…</p>
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<p>haha this seems to me to be itself a very aware/insightful understanding. You say you are highly academic, yet you also realize you don’t have all the answers – that there is something to be potentially gained from human intercourse, even on topics such as this one, which have ostensibly been answered to death, and even from people less academic. Like you could read endlessly all about how to overcome your situation, but that’s not the same. Then still you are the one left to process and understand and think, alone. Here it is a bit different as there is this ability or feeling of exchange. You’re able to continually interface and try to refine your ideas and understandings and get all sorts of varied feedback.</p>
<p>ADD is probably not so much the problem, but you probably realize that. It’s much easier to reduce all your problems (or covey them, rather) through a 3-letter acronym than try to explain them in all their complexness. So ADD is maybe the best (though not necessarily a good or especially accurate) embodiment of your troubles.</p>
<p>tobbaconchocolat:</p>
<p>Your posts seem to reveal some latent sympathy for inquisitiveone actually, which is kind of intriguing, considering you say that’s what makes one weak and pathetic. At the same time though many of your last comments don’t really make sense (in fact they make you out to be the ■■■■■) and the ones that sort of do appear misguided and harsh. </p>
<p>I’m wondering what exactly prompted your post; you seem extremely agitated by his response to me.</p>
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<p>Ah yes, predisposition to neediness is significant and associated with other traits too (both due to genetic and environmental factors). Probably traits that people find attractive in combination. </p>
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<p>Ah yes I see. Hm, it’s an interesting hypothesis: (a) do people detest those who are similar to them even when they detest themselves? (b)Or are they willing to accept the mental inconsistency and like them [the similar ones] better? Do you know any real examples of (a) happening? All the examples I know of fit (b). </p>
<p>But yeah - there are some things that happen - if your friend stops being needy, then she might leave you. and then somehow you hope that she still stays needy even when you really wish the best for her. So then you sort of hope that she doesn’t make any other friends so that her neediness is alleviated mostly by being with you. </p>
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<p>Yes, that’s precisely true! Lots of “strong” people ditch their friends because they can find “better” friends. In fact, my only Internet friends left are the needy ones.</p>
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<p>Ah thanks for the feedback! Yeah, reading is really not the same as human intercourse. Especially since when you read, you can only get the general idea. To apply the general to the specific (that is your own situation), you almost always need human intercourse. And this intercourse helps motivate you to make these refinements. </p>
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<p>I actually really like your insight a lot (you’re <em>very</em> aware) - maybe we can continue our conversations somewhere else? I’m actually part of a small mailing list that would really welcome your insight - and I also have some blogs that you might really appreciate. I’ll PM you my email. :)</p>
<p>^ and yeah, there is a limit on how many close friendships someone can have:
[The</a> price of love? Losing two of your closest friends | Science | guardian.co.uk](<a href=“http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2010/sep/15/price-love-close-friends-relationship]The”>The price of love? Losing two of your closest friends | Reproduction | The Guardian)</p>
<p>which is why the best friends are those who are wanting of friends.</p>
<p>If a group of people rejects you using white lies, the thought going through their heads is probably along the lines of</p>
<p>“Why is this guy hanging around us when he clearly doesn’t fit into our group and we didn’t drop ANY signs that we want to hang out with him?” </p>
<p>You have to think about this from their perspective. They don’t want to be around you and have dropped hints of this by (1) not inviting you to these events, and (2) ignoring you when you come. YOU may not have interpreted these subtle hints, but to more socially experienced people, these sorts of social cues are basically common sense. People tend to resort to white lies to make people leave when the usual tactics have failed. Not to mention the fact that you appear needy and friendless when you hang around people who don’t want to have anything to do with you.</p>
<p>And I agree that they could be nicer to you and show a bit more sympathy for your situation. But as you admitted yourself, you don’t really share any interests with them anyway, so what’s really the point?</p>
<p>I think the first step to solving this problem is to find like-minded folks in similar predicaments. Classes, libraries, clubs - not everybody who joins a club has a lot of prior experience. This is definitely the hardest step, but it’s going to be the key to a full life for you, so you need to keep at it. As you become more and more experienced, you will be able to meet and socialize with a wider circle of people. Don’t lose track of the fact that social skills are just that - skills. They can be LEARNED, and for a lot of people they HAVE to be learned. Keep practicing. </p>
<p>And try to expand your interests. There’s a reason people are interested in their interests, and unless you want to go about life believing that you’re somehow above the interests of other thinking humans, you should put some time into understanding the topics that people find interesting. Generally there’s something to appreciate in any given topic of discussion, even non-academic ones. If you end up concluding that someone’s interests are boring to you or truly vacuous… well, then why did you want to put so much effort into befriending that person anyway? :-)</p>
<p>Good luck dude.</p>
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<p>Most of the examples I know fit (b) also. But I think that’s because (b) is sort of the end state. A lot of people go through a transition (even if it’s fleeting) from (a)–>(b). Especially those who find them themselves in the position of those who they used to detest or not associate with. For example for someone who loses their friends (and fails to make more), coming to terms with the fact that they are among the other socially inept (which they are taught by society to look down upon), and actually have things in common with them – this can be not so easy, I think. And that’s why there’s this period of denial where they might irrationally distance themselves from the others in the similar situations. Which would maybe be more the converse of (b) then (a), this denial – i.e. detesting the others that are similar to them, but not detesting themselves, which is a sort of dangerous/arrogant place to be in, imo. </p>
<p>Of course the people in these positions are usually pretty bright (being prone to social ineptness, neediness) and in time will probably come to accept and sympathize with, and maybe even prefer the sorts of people they previously detested. (a) is a paradoxical place to be in so is naturally unstable, would be my thought. And I wouldn’t say (b) is about accepting a mental inconsistency so much as it is becoming more aware. In liking/accepting the ones that they previously detested, the people would also presumably be learning to like/accept that same part of themselves they detested. What you describe as (b) would maybe be part of the transitional period from (a) to the (b) that I’m thinking of. </p>
<p>What I was trying to say originally was more along the lines of the (b) you suggested (what I am now considering part of the transitional period). We may have different conceptions about what we were talking about (i.e. we may think we understand each other, but don’t), or what I’m saying may just not be very clear, so tell me if you generally follow/understand.</p>
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<p>Wow. This is a VERY good way of putting it I think. I have never understood it so clearly. Even outside of self-improvement it seems to hold true.</p>
<p>Would you two kindly get a room already?</p>
<p>Inquisitive One (and tobbaconchocolat for that matter)…</p>
<p>Some people have an innate sense of social skills, cues, etc. Other’s are not so lucky. They get rejected, or like tobbaconchocolat, they just seem to enjoy being mean. Go to the student health center at your school. See if there are any social skills groups, or if they can refer you to a therapist that can help you with. Nothing will make you a social person, but it might help smooth out the edges, or give you coping skills. Sometimes it also means helping you adjust your expectations. </p>
<p>Good luck!</p>