<p>I would see if the cell phone company can provide you with copies/transcripts of the texts, that may be needed as evidence for the Us creepo teaches at. There is definitely a time & a place to telling our spouses things that will upset them, especially if you want to have them remain calm about a situation that is pretty delicate and could have very bad consequences if handled poorly.</p>
<p>It makes sense to me that you are biding your time and not pushing your D into creepo’s arms by “being unfair” to D & creepo. Time is on your side, as this could well burn itself out (especially while he’s away over the summer in Europe & perhaps finding other young exotic prey), and leave your D sadder but wiser. You would still have the evidence via texts & the school would be able to look at their records to realize that D was his student when these texts were exchanged. Timing can be key, as cpt illustrated through his example.</p>
<p>Hang in there & keep your lines of communication open with D. She needs your guidance and friendship & may need it much more in the near future. What are HER summer plans? Will there be a lot of young men her age & others around? That may help her see some of the fun activities she has been missing lately.</p>
<p>VERY UNPROFESSIONAL if he’s texting while teaching. Ick!</p>
<p>My H would also be extremely upset if I withheld info this important from him–we like to work through things together; I would be very upset if he withheld from me too.</p>
<p>What’s especially bothersome to me is that at just about any college, there is no shortage of females 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 years older than the OP’s 19-yr.-old daughter. Granted, if he’s an adjunct he’s probably not teaching advanced courses, but still, it raises the s***bag quotient to an unacceptable level that he went after a fresh[wo]man.</p>
<p>I wish she had plans this summer but she doesn’t. I hope that she can get some hours at the place she worked before she left for school. We’re going on a cruise in June so I can only hope she meets someone to make her realize that this guy is too old for her. She also plans on taking trips to visit kids from school because many of them have vacation homes around NY, NJ & MD. A plus is that the cruise we’re taking is out of NJ and many New Englanders will be on it so hopefully she’ll meet someone. Sheesh… I’ve never looked so forward to her meeting a guy!</p>
<p>Wow, sounds like there are a LOT of attractive plans for her summer where she will see a lot of young people. The cruise does sound promising and early enough in the summer so that any romance could continue into the fall. Maybe some of the homes she visits also have brothers of kids from her school? Many options sound like they present themselves.</p>
<p>Would look in to disabling texting to & from Europe to avoid a HUGE 4-5 figure bill with cell carrier. And really do contact carrier about getting written transcripts of some of the texts to show that there is a relationship beyond student/teacher going on while D is his student.</p>
<p>OP - I think when you talk to your daughter, and if you have the opportunity to give your opinion, I’d focus more on the boundaries he’s crossing, as opposed to the age difference, or whether he’s really a creep or not. She’s just a freshman, and really needs to learn this lesson, that certain boundaries are just not to be crossed, no matter what. Anyone who can justify this at this age, might continue to justify it in other contexts where the outcome could have more dire circumstances.</p>
<p>I guess what I’d want to know from you is whether or not the fact that he’s 34, or her professor, or has been referred by her as a creep bothers you more. I’m guessing you’re going to say all three, but honestly, I think the learning opportunity here (no pun intended) is for her to realize that it’s just inappropriate, whether or not he’s 34 and creepy or not.</p>
<p>I have AT&T as a carrier. I’ve never heard of asking for actual copies of texts or whether that’s even possible. Hmmm… honestly, not sure I’d ever want to read weeks worth of the bs that he spewed! It was hard reading what I read over the weekend and it was only a day or two worth of texts.
I’ll also have to look into the texting to Europe. I assume he would keep the same number and it would be him that would have the expense, not me.</p>
<p>Wow. There’s certainly no shortage of advice here. It’s so close to the end of school for her, I agree with those who say to let the semester end, and then figure out what to do. At 19, she IS an adult. Knowing that most 19-year-olds can’t objectively look at possible consequences or accurately imagine the future, I know I would feel compelled to state my opinions, which it is clear the OP has done. </p>
<p>Also, re: asking for the content of the texts from AT&T. Although what they are doing is inappropriate and against university rules, it is <em>not</em> illegal. I can’t imagine any phone company consenting to this. They are apparently 2 consenting adults. I also agree with Teriwtt regarding focusing on the inappropriateness of the situation to the daughter. </p>
<p>I just typed (and then deleted) some sage advice, which I realize has been stated several times already. I would be very aware of the possible effects this could have on my mother-daughter relationship, and would try to cool off to a point of having as rational of a discussion as possible when the D comes home for the summer, and deal with the issues (and the H) then.</p>
<p>teriwtt- His age without a doubt bothers me but if she met him outside of the classroom I wouldn’t even be posting on this forum. The few things she told me about him before being involved with him made me sick so I am convinced that he doesn’t have true feelings for her. The fact that he was texting her telling her that he loved her also makes me cringe. Who does that after just 2-3 weeks?!?</p>
<p>I apologize to those who are annoyed at me for giving away one of the plot lines for, ‘Friday Night Lights’. I guess I should have put in one of those, “SPOILER ALERT” notices. Sorry.</p>
<p>As many have noted, adjunct instructors do indeed lead tenuous professional lives, and they can simply not be rehired for the next semester, often with little or no excuse. It would be easy to simply not rehire someone like this English teacher, but I would think that it would be important to actually go through a termination for cause. Otherwise, he will just move on and continue his current behavior. At my college, our HR department would conduct an investigation and act on the results. Most recently, we identified an adjunct instructor who was downloading massive amounts of child porn. In that case, the investigation was easy because we took his computer and the evidence was there for all to see (although I had go home and take several showers after viewing some of it). In the OP’s daughter’s case, we could go so far as to have the cops get a search warrant on the instructor’s phone.</p>
<p>I have a husband who is the reactionary type. I don’t picture him tracking the guy down with violent intent, but he’d say a lot of things without thinking them through and he’d say them loudly. He might call the school before thinking it through. </p>
<p>It’s a difficult spot to be in to have that information, but I know that if I kept something like this from him, in addition to being upset at the situation, he’d be furious with me. And if he kept something like this from me (I am not reactionary), I would be furious. </p>
<p>In general, I think it’s a good idea for parents to have a no-secrets policy that the kids are very clear on. I don’t mean a little confidence such as “Mom, there’s this boy I like but we haven’t gone out yet, don’t tell anyone because it’s too soon and it’s probably going nowhere” but things like (making this up), “I’m thinking of dropping out of school” or “I’m failing calculus, don’t tell Dad.” I think it’s a good idea for parents to review their own policy and to communicate it to their kids and for kids to understand that they should not expect their parents to keep those kinds of secrets.</p>
<p>I agree about telling your dh, as I’ve said earlier. I come from a family where different people get different levels of information. I’ve always found it interesting to look at how people derive power from having yet withholding information. I think if you can have a measured response you’ll help your dh have a measured response – eventually, if not initially. Creating alliance wth your dd against your dh is a bad idea.</p>
<p>To the OP: for $4.95 (or for free if you can get it through your library) you can download this first person account of the repercussions this kind of relationship had on one student. It’s a true story, and I think reading it might clarify your decision about what actions to take for your own daughter’s sake. Maybe you could give her a copy to read. What a difficult and unfortunate situation. In years to come, your daughter will thank you for looking out for her. </p>
<p>(Exerpt follows): I was 17 the first time my English teacher kissed me in the computer lab at our high school. It was a Friday afternoon. He was my father’s age and married, with four grown children of his own. “I’m infatuated with you,” he told me. He was my favorite teacher, the adviser of the student newspaper I edited. I had … (Full article: 763 words)</p>
<p>I find nothing wrong with a 19 year old and a 34 year, or talking for hours in the middle of the night. And infatuated people often tell each other they’re in love very early on.</p>
<p>However, the fact that it is a professor and a serial dater is the issue.</p>
<p>Yes, it is against all codes of conduct. As a college professor I can say that at my institution it is grounds for dismissal. However, it still happens all the time. Some colleagues have married; one woman I know was in her thirties when she began an affair with her 18 year old student. They married when he was 19 and immediately had a child. She’s in her late sixties now, and they’re still married.</p>
<p>I do think her behavior was unethical.</p>
<p>I would not pursue phone records. The OP does not need to prove the incident, just report it.</p>
<p>I would discuss it with my daughter before reporting the behavior and outline just why it’s inappropriate. </p>
<p>I would get third party intervention, a trusted therapist, to discuss this with to protect the relationship with the daughter.</p>
<p>And yes, ultimately report.</p>
<p>And don’t dwell on the “sick” feeling or any other details of the situation. It can only make you uncomfortable.</p>
<p>I’m going to say that a girl dating a “professor” this much older than her, in a family dynamic where the father is kept out of the loop, might actually be in need of a father “in the loop,” and responding to what is going on in her life TO HER.</p>
<p>I was thinking similar thoughts, poetgrl.
Mom and daughter are close, it seems, but Dad is MIA. There may be some unmet needs here that the parents could address to help their daughter understand what is happening with her and protect her in the future.</p>
<p>Yes, well, I actually don’t think that the “parent’s” should address it. I think this is exactly the place where the Dad gets himself to campus and takes his daughter to dinner and insists on meeting the guy. And gives his opinion, as in, “You are my daughter and I’m not comfortable with this.”</p>
<p>Heck, my husband flew out to meet the completely age appropriate boyfriend as soon as it became clear it was serious. He took them out to dinner. He let my daughter know he liked the guy. He flew home.</p>
<p>Do you think that qualifies him as an “airplane” parent? :p</p>
<p>I admit that I did not read through the entire thread, but I will pass on a little story of my own to support those who suggest letting it burn out, which it should it he hits on as many students as it sounds and he will be in Europe all summer with a fresh crop of young women.</p>
<p>Two years ago this fall, my DD headed off to college never having had a boyfriend. Just a few days after she arrived I got a call from her telling me that she had met a chemical engineering international graduate student who was handsome and wonderful and fascinating and he listened to her. She was smitten. BUT, he did not want to tell her how old he was. Her suite mates, she admitted, thought he looked as though he was about 40. </p>
<p>My daughter is rather level headed or up until she met that cute guy she had been. It was a huge challenge, but I remained calm and explained to her that if he was not honest about something as simple as his age, what else might he try to hide. Of course, I was also concerned with his immigration status and whether he might be looking for a change. Enough red flags started flying that she told him that she just wanted to be friends. Guess what? He was not interested in friendship.</p>
<p>I think the flame will burn out and it will burn out pretty quickly, OP. That type of guy is just too fickle to carry on. However, if your daughter offered to let you meet him, I would be right there. I might even bring a friend who is known to be very frank–that way I would not get in trouble for being very frank. Hang in there.</p>
<p>The OP is going to have to live with the brunt of the consequences of what she does and doesn’t do as well as go through whatever process she picks, so it is up to her. It’s a rough road when one’s beloved kids gets in these situations. I wish you well, what ever you decide to do.</p>
<p>Interesting. Exactly how many is “too many”? Honestly, what percentage of situations like this end up in lasting and committed relationships/marriages? My guess is a very small percentage. Just because Mary Kay Latournau and Villi Fualaau ended up married and apparently happy despite their frankly skeevy beginnings does not mean couplings like this are okay. They’re still flat out wrong. There aren’t any other words for it. And this man should be held accountable for his actions. As Teriwit said in post #178:</p>
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<p>Amen. It’s obvious ethics don’t mean much to this man. And that’s not someone I would want someone I love (much less my own children) to be intimately involved in.</p>
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<p>As nauseating as it all is, it would be a good thing to have access to those phone records and the transcripts of their text messages. They are your leverage. They are your secret weapon against this scumbag. This is war, Mom. That’s your child. Do what you have to do.</p>
<p>Barrons, do you have a teen aged daughter? Would you be okay with her having sex with her professor? Really?</p>
Maybe some of the homes she visits also have brothers of kids from her school? Many options sound like they present themselves.</p>