<p>In our case, I have insisted on my husband having a separate relationship with our daughters in which he interacts with them about the details of their life without me there all the time. I’m a better talker than he is, and if I am there, it all gets funneled through me. </p>
<p>I wanted an equal parenting relationship. My daughters would not believe I would “keep a secret” from their father, nor, however, would they keep him “out of the loop.” If you think this is strange? So be it.</p>
<p>I don’t care about the age difference. I do care that the mother and daughter keep things from the father, and what that says about what the daughter expects from a partner. Secrets.</p>
<p>I think most people have already established that, for them, it’s not really about the man’s age. Heck, the OP has stated as much herself. It’s about this man’s position of power and authority over her D as the person who determines her grade. It’s entirely inappropriate, and a frank abuse of power. People who make it all about the age difference are purposefully ignoring the crux of the issue.</p>
<p>Perhaps “protect” was the wrong word choice, mythmom, but I was wondering if the OP’s daughter’s lack of closeness with her own father may create a kind of void that she might be looking to fill. Perhaps not. It’s just something I would explore with my Dd if I were in the situation.
I think a strong bond with one’s father can give young women a certain confidence in the world, and with men in particular.</p>
<p>And while the age is not the crux of the issue, it’s relevant. If the daughter were 34, I don’t think that the OP would be having such a problem with it, even though it would still be a breach of ethics. Or if the “Prof” were 20. It’s the combination of age difference and position
that makes it so unhealthy for the girl.</p>
<p>poetgr: I totally I understand the idea of a separate relationship, which I find lovely. And since you had already met the young man, I find what you describe even lovelier. I was reacting to a misperception that had my feminist hackles rising. I apologize.</p>
<p>And yes, this is abusive for the reasons you describe but to me not necessarily creepy. Wrong, yes, but not “abnormal.” I know the distinctions I’m making are not exactly clear.</p>
<p>I guess what I mean to say is that the mutual attraction is normal. It’s just that the older person, the adult, the authority figure, should keep these feelings at bay.</p>
<p>I see a lot of wisdom in Mythmom’s approach Post #201, which subtly contains a few new ideas here. So I’m just adding some commentary to Mythmom’s simply stated points:</p>
<p>
Your D can grow more savvy after all this mess, if and only if she’s part of the loop and not worked around. Notice Mythmom’s saying to INFORM her, clearly and calmly, you WILL be reporting him, at some time in the very near future. Reason: the relationship is inappropriate because he’s her current college instructor AND a serial player (NO OTHER REASON --age. creepiness – needs to be mentioned, as per Teriwtt).</p>
<p>You’re not asking D’s permission. You’re doing what a mother does, but stating it factually to her. To report him without her knowledge would be to treat her as a baby, and will make her responses even more babyish. You want her to learn and grow, even while you keep her safe. Otherwise, what’s the point of us having any experiences if not to learn and mature from them. </p>
<p>
Mythmom’s new point about a therapist to counsel you and daughter is to have the therapist (or pastor, what ever you have or can arrange)…let the daughter know you’ve done the right thing, ethically. That even if it hurts for now to “lose” this loser, it lets the D vent at the therapist, not directly at Mom who can tangle up and say something that would frustrate the D and twist the focus. All this isn’t Mom’s fault. It’s the PROF’s fault, with the girl’s only fault being extreme naivete about school policies not to tell the guy to take a hike, right from the start. (She should have been worried about her own grade profile…).</p>
<p>
“Ultimately” - meaning, it doesn’t have to be this week. Exams are coming and I wouldn’t want to send her into a chaotic rollercoaster so close to finals. Also, in general, it seems that the H not only deserves to know but could–once he recovers from the shock–be your teammate and partner. He might offer D some male affirmation that while this guy was not a good one to trust, the next one(s) (s) will be better and more appropriate. That her own Dad not give up on her or be absent seems to me very helpful to your D. Perhaps it can be developed in your H that he’s needed here, in a unique position to reassure your D: she got hornswaggled once, but it’s not the end of the world here, and he still loves and admires her.</p>
<p>I feel a bit sad for the OP’s daughter. This seems typical of what goes on in this forum, i.e. parents who still think they know mountains more than their children ever might. This impedes any progress towards independence that your children might make.</p>
<p>As long as they’re not making absurd decisions, like getting married, having children, and moving to San Francisco to raise their children as hippies, you should stop worrying about. It’s absurd. This talk about responsibility towards your child… sorry, you either have serious trouble letting go or you’re delusional about how much power you have over your kid. Or I guess there’s a third option, and that is that you’re actually not delusional… which is even scarier.</p>
<p>Be rational, don’t do anything unless the circumstances absolutely require it. At the moment, they don’t.</p>
<p>Oh, hadsed, perhaps someday you will have an 18- or 19-year-old daughter who is sleeping with the psychologist or physician who is currently treating her or the professor who is currently teaching her and I wonder - what will you do?</p>
<p>This relationship has the possibility of defining this womans entire four years of college. It will affect every experience and relationship she has. They are in two very different places in their lives. This guy is only thinking about himself and sex. </p>
<p>and in a different line of thinking…The minute he buys her a drink or takes her to his place and they have a beer he is breaking the law. Underage drinking and furnishing a minor with alcohol.</p>
<p>To the OP, have you considered calling the Dean of Students? You could call the Dean of Students, identify yourself as a parent with a problem (you could say emergency even), and talk to the Dean without identifying yourself. Explain the problem very succinctly at first. </p>
<p>“I do not yet want to identify myself, but my freshman 19 yo daughter is involved and sleeping with one of her professor/instructors and I am am uncertain what to do next. I feel this is an ethical violation despite the fact that she is an adult and it is consensual, and maybe she thinks she is in love” “Am I wrong to be so upset?” “What is done about that kind of situation at this college/university?” “What if he has a history of doing this with students?” “I understand she is an adult, and with FERPA you may not be able to speak to me, but this goes beyond simple privacy protection.” </p>
<p>That is your admission ticket on advice straight from the source. The Dean’s office deals with students and their families. The Dean will suggest a course of action. You can then decide if you want to take that course of action.</p>
<p>When I was at HYP grad school in 80s, this “professor/female student relationship” was a rampant problem. Shortly after I graduated, that university flagged “sexual harassment of female students by professors” as a significant problem. I experienced this problem twice in two years, first from a professor and then from my thesis advisor, without ANY indication from me of interest. Both situations were very slippery to navigate and both professors subsequently caused me some academic harm.</p>
<p>Other female students did enter into sexual relationships with their professors. One professor was notorious for picking a first year female student each year for a yearlong relationship that abruptedly ended with school year and subsequent replacement. Another professor refused to speak to female students because “he was burned” by his former student-girlfriend who supposedly used him for classroom advantages. These women were often ostracized by their fellow classmates, even after relationship ended. Granted, these particular episodes occurred 30 years ago, but problem surely persists. </p>
<p>Student can be flattered by inappropriate attention from professor, who is older and often truly attractive as well as influential. Relationship may seem very grown-up; the suitor sophisticated. But such relationship always has a degree of coercion due his authority-role in students’ lives. Certain professors repeat this pattern of seduction over and over again. And colleges and universities forbid such relationships because there are now significant legal liability exposure for ethical violations. Your daughter may be in for a life-altering bad experience when this relationship deteriorates and ends. I’d call the Dean’s Office, ASAP.</p>
<p>I think the above post shows a lot of accuracy and wisdom. And although this issue is slight beyond the parameters of this thread, I would like to add those same individuals who do academic harm to their exes, can also do academic harm to those that refuse them. Sadly, I had that experience when I tried to get my doctoral thesis out of committee and accepted. The men who had aggressively flirted with me black balled it. One tried to prove it was plagiarized. The dean of the humanities had to be brought it; she passed it passed on the merits of the first chapter alone. It later won the University Microfiche award for best dissertation in the entire US in 1987. However, by then the damage had been done. It was two years later, but my rhythm had been altered and I never did go after an elite university teaching job. I landed in a community college where I am tenured and have had a fulfilling career, but it isn’t the one I was after and significantly blocked from.</p>
<p>So I want to agree with so many others that it is the entwinement of academic power and sexual advances that puts female students at such risk.</p>
<p>One friend left college only three credits shy of a degree because of this same kind of sexual harassment.</p>
<p>The problem with this case is that the young woman is aboard. So I still think the mother should do everything to bring her (and as poetgr suggests, the father) into the process. Romeo and Juliet scenarios only add wind to the relationship.</p>
<p>I wanted to bring this up too and I didn’t know how. I also went to college in the 80s and it was a time when professors could get away with getting involved with their students. The administration cast a blind eye to it, if they received a complaint the penalty for the professor amounted to a slap on the wrist. That was thirty years ago and times have changed for the better. These days I don’t think that colleges will tolerate professors being involved with their students for the reasons outlined in posts #212 and #213.</p>
<p>I had a relationship with my TA when I was a freshman. This was many, many years ago. At the time, I was very depressed, lonely, and insecure about having gotten into an ivy league school. I suggest that you focus on what’s going on with your daughter. Why is she susceptible to the attentions of this older, “academic”? Also, read the school’s code on this behavior. There is always a straightforward procedure for reporting sexual harrassment. </p>
<p>My TA was in his early 30’s, recently divorced. He was a mess (and I was, too). He was not, however, a serial predator. Your daughter’s Adjunct sounds like someone who should be reported. Ideally, your daughter will come around to seeing this and will do the reporting.</p>
<p>One more thought–being in a clandestine relationship creates an isolating experience. Your daughter may find herself alienated from the college friendships and social life. </p>
<p>Accusations without proof cannot be believed officially. There are those who wrongly accuse. A pattern of behavior does constitute proof and a serial abuser can be caught that way, but you have to have the series. Otherwise anyone can ruin anyone with accusation of anything.</p>
<p>As for telling the Dean of students, of course he will give you the party line. And, yes, it is the the right thing to do just as what Alf is saying and Hawk. But the right thing to do is not a one size fits all. There are a lot of personal things that are not taken into account when taking that route and you can end up hurt…badly. I have seen it.</p>
<p>I draw the line when it clearly in criminal territory. The example of the guy with child porn is seriously criminal and you get hard time for something like this. The worst that happens here is civll and administrative penalties. It is a whole other league, and that’s why I advise using personal judgment. As I stated earlier, if the student were a minor, that is truly criminal territory. </p>
<p>Again, it is entirely up to the OP how she wants to handle this as she will have to deal with all of the fallout.</p>
<p>I would second this caution. Whatever you do, remember schools are experts in dealing with parents’ complaints. Any gray area may turn white in no time.</p>