<p>I’ve been an adjunct for almost 20 years. Almost no students are aware of the difference between a lowly disposable adjunct and a “real” professor. I get called “professor” all the time.</p>
<p>In almost every class there is one female student who lingers after class or finds other methods to contact the teacher. It’s inconceivable to me that the guy would pursue the student if she hadn’t done something to indicate she was interested. But that’s completely irrelevant. ALL college teachers know the students are off-limits, and know they are required to resist the low-hanging fruit. If I were the girl’s parents I’d have no problem calling the department head or academic dean. </p>
<p>The best news is that it’s almost certain that the charisma she sees in him will evaporate once he’s no longer an authority figure to her. Once the semester is over, he’ll be just another ivory tower drone with a bad wardrobe.</p>
<p>If my D did this I would be very upset and sad and plead with her to end the relationship and to report the creep. </p>
<p>I would probably give D some time to report him and if she didn’t I would probably report him (knowing full well that I was crossing the line by interfering in my 19 year old daughter’s life- I would rationalize that I was choosing the lesser evil).</p>
<p>lammbdd- She told me that she confided in 3 friends from school and that no one in her class is aware of what’s going on. I told her that at her age there really is no such thing as a secret with a bunch of girls so she had better hope they’re going to keep it quiet. </p>
<p>I’m assuming she’s meeting him out in one of the parking lots to go to his house because she doesn’t have her car on campus. There is a shuttle service that takes the students into the city so I guess she could be meeting him there too. I also have a feeling that a few of her friends from home know about him too. </p>
<p>A lot of the chronic predators have the signs down pat as to who they can most safely approach or wait for an approach. It doesn’t matter. The rules of his workplace prohibit this sort of fraternization most likely and that is an issue, though not the only one. That he is a prof of hers, makes him the sort of person that could be a threat to other students. I agree that he has likely been doing this for a long time, and it would be a good thing for him to get caught by the school and action taken. </p>
<p>There are also other issues here. Who of us would want our freshman at age 18, 19 “dating” a much older person? But what if this were not a professor but someone this student met somewhere else and there isn’t the teacher/student relationship involved? I doubt any of us would find the person less predatory. </p>
<p>We have a large family with many, many cousins and in laws and we do get together a lot. My husband’s uncle and aunt were heart broken 20 years ago when their then 18 year old moved in with a woman in her late 30’s with two sons closer to his age than he was to hers. He ended up quitting school and marrying her, and their DD is going to college this year–same age as my college son, one of 6 cousins of this age. The marriage has been strong and the woman is much part of the family, but it was a rough go for a while. I knew the cousin when he was a kid, like age 9 and this woman is close to my age with kids the age of my oldest. But the step cousins have been integrated in the family and all is now well despite the pall this put on the whole thing 20 years ago. I still don’t like what happened and feel it was wrong for her to involve herself with a young man that age who should have been focusing on college (he never did finish). I would have been upset had it been my son, and I"ll bet she would have been if her oldest had the same thing happen. Now it’s full circle as the D is going to the same school as her father had attended when he met her mother and dropped out mid freshman year. And, yes, the aunt and uncle raged and roared an threatened which cinched the relationship which probably would have ended up this way anyways, but not as quickly, and maybe he would have stayed in school.</p>
<p>Many opinions and being divorced with 2 kids versus single with none is far easier to handle. Just Google younger women dating older men–lots of hits. Sometimes I think many of you live on some planet I have never visited–a combination of Amishland and Purtian Boston.</p>
<p>Thank you very much to everyone who has posted!! Your comments and suggestions have provided me with some great ideas and suggestions. I’m still leaning towards bringing her home and waiting for her final grade before making my next move.</p>
<p>Totally different situation, and one in which I would not interfere (nor would there be any way to interfere). The age difference would still bother me but not nearly as much as the fact that they have an ongoing professor-student relationship. If he had waited until after the semester got over, I would not interfere.</p>
<p>There are some things you just don’t do- if you are the professor you don’t sleep with your student, and if you are a doctor you don’t sleep with your patient. Doesn’t matter if you are the same age as the other person. Doesn’t matter if the student or patient is the one who starts it.</p>
<p>What a story! I haven’t read every response in detail.</p>
<p>The ethics surrounding a professor dating his students are quite clear. Yes, we all know stories of professors dating and marrying students and being subsequently married for decades but that is different from a professor who makes a practice of dating, (more accurately seducing), his students.</p>
<p>I don’t know what I would do if I was in your shoes. This guy will get reported sometime, it doesn’t have to be by you. Some girl that he hurts will file a complaint and then another girl will file a complaint and when the schools finally have enough complaints he will find that he doesn’t have a career anymore. Good riddance as far as I am concerned.</p>
<p>Your daughter will get hurt, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Maybe it will be a good learning experience for her and she’ll never again be so naive.</p>
<p>I hate to state the obvious, but apparently it’s not so obvious. Report this sleaze to the university and call it a day. There’s a line way back there that is labeled “ethical behavior” or perhaps “terms of contract” and this guy is clearly flaunting the rules. I’m quite surprised he hasn’t been reported already, though I suspect it has something to do with the age of his targets and intimidation/fear.</p>
<p>While “staying out of other people’s business” is all well and good, just stop and think for a second. First of all, the OP is her mother. She’d be a terrible mother if she didn’t care about and protect her children. Second, this behavior by the professor is not only creepy and ethically wrong, it almost certainly violates University policies and the guy’s contract.</p>
<p>You should feel no qualms at all for reporting the guy to the university. Don’t give him an ultimatum, or make a deal with him. Just report him. You don’t need to justify yourself to your daughter. She’s young and she will get over it (after hating your guts for a while, but you’re probably dealt with that before too). And here’s the other thing: by reporting him and not cutting a deal of some sort you’re going to save a bunch of other 19-year-old girls the drama and heartache of this happening to them.</p>
<p>CPT, it’s a pity that the woman didn’t encourage your cousin to stay in college & get his degree or go back & get it at any point. Ah well, tough situations sometimes and no easy answers. Glad that in the case you cited at least the couple seems to have a strong marriage.</p>
<p>OP,
Wonder what your D’s friends are thinking and have told her. Are they jealous? Telling her its creepy? Maybe it depends on the strength and candor in their relationships. I know that my D and her friends could always sense when the others didn’t approve of their relationships & it made them look deeper & reconsider.</p>
<p>HImom- I never got around to asking her what her friends thought. I too wonder if they’re supporting her or telling her they think it’s strange and creepy. I don’t personally know her friends from school so I can’t even begin to guess. I would have to believe her friends from home that I know very well must think it’s a little bizzare.</p>
<p>Oh and what 34 year old will sit on the phone for hours in the middle of the night with a 19 year old?! I noticed they’re on the phone late night for over an hour sometimes two! They also text non stop throughout the day? Very immature!</p>
<p>I know my kids’ friends would NOT be happy and do what they could to help the one in the relationship to recognize that it’s “off.” Peers CAN be helpful for this, especially if creepo doesn’t get along with any of her HS buddies (maybe they should be invited to the meeting with creepo so she can see the contrast more clearly).</p>
<p>I can’t answer exactly why i haven’t told him yet except for I’m afraid of how he’ll react. I don’t want him to do anything yet until the semester is over and her final grades are in. Am I worried about him going after him? He’d probably call our daughter and tell her he was which would get her all ****ed off. Would he kill him? Absolutely not…but would he wish him dead? YES!</p>
<p>Barrons, it doesn’t matter the age difference (although some people are creeped out about that), it’s the professional relationship that he has chosen to destroy and it’s HIS responsibility, as the person in authority to not allow it to happen… whether he’s 24, 34, 44, or 54. </p>
<p>My concern is that it’s obvious that this instructor has obvious boundary issues. People with boundary issues don’t contain them to just one aspect of their lives. One has to wonder what other boundaries he feels comfortable crossing.</p>
<p>HImom- Yes, I found his name listed under faculty at 2 of the 3 schools she told me about. I can’t see what times/days he teaches except for at her school. He teaches a night class on mon/wed for 2 hours and I noticed they were texting while he was supposed to be teaching last night! What the hell?!?! Tuition is 48K at her school and this is what students are getting out of him??</p>
<p>to the OP… just a thought - I hope you are prepared for fallout if and when your H does find out that you’ve known all this time and did not tell him. I would be devastated with my spouse for withholding information like that from me. Are you really so certain you can keep this secret from him forever? If not, the longer you wait to tell him, the more severe the reaction might be.</p>