<p>Mimi
Thank you for posting that article. It is beyond disturbing and frankly I think that every parent who has a daughter should read it. </p>
<p>To the OP
I am so sorry that your daughter has become caught up with a person who based on what you have told us, is unethical. I do hope that you will be able to show you daughter that his behavior is not the behavior of a legitimate suitor (I have no quarrel with his age, only with his actions as a teacher towards a current student) but rather are the actions of a predator.</p>
<p>What would reactions have been if the professor had said, “I’m interested in you, but not now - it’s a conflict of interest and I cannot date you while you are a student in my class. Let’s wait til the semester is over and then we’ll pick up then”?</p>
<p>Thanks, Mini! How deeply troubling that these things are still happening and students continue to be victimized. I know a woman who was struggling to get tenure but not able to join the “all boy’s club” and ostracized. She retained an attorney & got some of the pay differential but ultimately had to move from HI to another area of the country, where she is doing much better.</p>
<p>If the prof had any ethics at all, s/he would wait until AFTER the person of interest is no longer a student to even approach the student on a personal level not related to the subject of the class. Telling a student that the prof is interested in him/her adds pressure and some expectations that should NOT be part of the class. It seems better for the student that the prof find people to date OUTSIDE of his/her school environment all together–ick.</p>
<p>Sigh. In 1971, I briefly dated a recent grad of Cornell, who had been essentially forced into a relationship by a soon-to-be very famous psychology professor (if I mentioned his name - he is now at another Ivy - many of you would know who he is.) It ended badly, and it probably set back her career ten years. She did report him, and, as I remember, that made matters for her significantly worse. </p>
<p>Of course, this is only part of the story at elite u’s. The number of rapes and sexual assaults that occur on campuses is HUGE (one study I saw indicated that only 1 in 18 is reported), and the general attitude is that “boys will be boys”. The most dangerous place for American college women is not outside the campus in a sketchy community, but on the inside.</p>
<p>I would definitely get the phone records. You are paying the bill I’m assuming? They do not know how old your daughter is, you should be able to access the records since the phone is in your name. I would have them, you may need them for proof of the relationship because the predator could deny the whole thing. He is a predator, he is using his power over her, he should be an authority figure and not use his status against a student.</p>
<p>I would also ask your dgt if his friends are aware of the relationship or if her friends are aware. If they are hiding it why are they doing so? That should be a redflag to her that it is inappropriate. It might help her see what is actually ocurring and that is is wrong.</p>
<p>Ick! The sad thing is that nearly all of these end badly, especially for the younger person who is often coerced into these relationships and sets them back for a LONNNGGG time. I guess the more things progress they more they don’t. Hoping some day in the near future this will change but am not holding my breath on this. :(</p>
<p>Maybe I am wrong here. But I don’t believe that there is ANY college/university that receives federal funding and does not EXPLICITLY FORBID its faculty members having sexual relationship with students in his/her class or under his/her direct supervision.</p>
<p>Edit: OK, maybe FORBID is too strong a word. But it is clear to every faculty member that this is a fireable offense.</p>
<p>Sounds like some of the Us are softening their rules as well, from the ABC News article. You wonder what factors are causing this softening–if there is “love,” why can’t & shouldn’t those involved wait until the situation is not one where one of the couple has such power over the other party? Serial predators have a perfect setting in campuses. We knew a instructor who “dated” HS girls in his team & classes–talk about jail bait! ICK! Don’t believe he was ever fired, tho he should have been.</p>
<p>NCL–you are 100% wrong. No such regulation. Only standard general laws apply. Obviously best not to date until class is over if that is the case but some schools just allow for somebody else to to the grading. It’s under the same laws covering dating your boss–not illegal but dangerous. Read the ABC article.</p>
<p>I think this is an area in which women’s colleges have the advantage. I can’t imagine Barnard (or any of the other prominent women’s colleges) would even accept this behavior as Yale does. There really is a feminist undercurrent to give additional support to the student.</p>
<p>I remember getting introduced to Paul Fursell, a writer of worth, by my prof this way: “And this is Bubbles. We will sell her for six goats.” I kid you not.</p>
<p>I had Jan Kott (a professor and famous Shakespeare critic) being so salacious on a train I happened to end up on with him (I was a student in his class) that the conductor had to come over and ask if I needed assistance.</p>
<p>What was even more disturbing was that I was not allowed to present my paper at a conference, even though I was only one of two A’s in the class, and he chose five students (The A and four B+'s to present) because they were all men. As he explained, “women don’t belong in the Academy.” He also refused to sign my letter of recommendation to a Fulbright in an area where his word would have been the tip because, yup, “women don’t belong in academics.” When was this? Oh, in the seventies. No one said a word.</p>
<p>Well, yes, mythmom, this is where it would have been nice to have had the equal rights amendment ratified. Since the racial issue is seen as constitutional, the bar is much lower to “prove” prejudice. Since sexism isn’t seen as a constitutional violation, the whole thing ends up in civil rather than criminal courts. When ERA lost, my mother, with whom I’d gone door to door getting petitions signed, said, “we will see the negative results of this linger for generations.”</p>
<p>I’m more and more convinced that the length of this battle has much to do with this.</p>
<p>The good news is that Holders DOJ seems willing to prosecute for civil rights violations where women are involved. So, that is movement in a forward direction, finally.</p>
<p>In the end, though, your story is really brutal. I’m sorry to hear of it.</p>
<p>Where I teach, the faculty code of conduct explicitly forbids sexual relationship between a faculty member and students he/she has supervisory responsibility.</p>
<p>Wow! It is painful to read what folks have had to endure and the prejudices and “old boys networks” that have stood in their way. I don’t know that women’s Us are immune–a prof/instructor may have an eye on any young “fresh meat,” despite the gender of the instructor and the interest or lack thereof of the student.</p>
<p>Am grateful that so far, my kids appear to have escaped these dicey situations and to our knowledge, so have their peers. ICK!</p>
<p>Mythmom, I wouldn’t be so sure about the advantages of women’s colleges in this respect. Plenty funky stuff goes on there too - maybe funkier because the men have a bigger hen house to play in, and the hens more competition </p>
<p>Your stories of academia in the 70s ring totally true, alas. I graduated from a major university in '80 and also heard similarly outrageous stories of how some of the women professors were treated at this ‘elite’ institution.</p>
<p>NCL-you tied a prohibition policy to Federal law for institutions receicing fed $$$$. There is no such requirement. Just because your school has one it means nothing as to it being required to do so by the feds in order to get Fed money. Many schools that also get Fed money have no such policy. Many do.</p>
<p>I noted in my post (#228) that “FORBID” was probably too strong a word.</p>
<p>And I believe that institutions receiving federal fund are required to adhere to non-discrimination laws, including ban on sexual harassment, which is the basis of these discouragement/prohibition policies.</p>
<p>I think the thread has veered too far away from the OP’s situation. OP daughter seems to have changed her mind completely about this guy. He went from “creepy” to “dreamy” in only two weeks…perhaps not a world record turn around, but close.</p>
<p>There is no evidence of the atrocious sexual blackmail described in the Yale article and, as subsequent posts attest, experienced by many women in academia. This experience is more of a seduction - and I think the OP should focus on the way her daughter responded once she was in the cross hairs of the sleazy opportunist. She didn’t run or put up a fight, she did a total 180 regarding this guy - if she were my child I would be most worried about her judgement and self direction.</p>
<p>I think the daughter is showing judgment typical of a 19 year old. I know what guys like this are like, charming, attractive, persuasive and convincing. They’re a dime a dozen and maybe every woman has to get burned by one before she adopts a more skeptical attitude. This will be a good learning experience for the OP’s daughter.</p>
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