<p>Yes, there is a separate thread already started about sexual harrassment on campuses. I would also be concerned about the change in D’s attitude toward creepo. I would likely consult a counselor for myself about how to work with D about THAT issue, to help D develop more discerning tastes and figure out how to handle future situations (professional & patient, supervisor & trainee, etc.)</p>
<p>I think Pea summarizes it well. If every somewhat sleazy act by a man or woman were somehow criminalized it would be a very big step down the road to a loss of freedom. Everyone needs the freedom to make some bad choices in life.</p>
<p>"I think the daughter is showing judgment typical of a 19 year old. I know what guys like this are like, charming, attractive, persuasive and convincing. They’re a dime a dozen and maybe every woman has to get burned by one before she adopts a more skeptical attitude. This will be a good learning experience for the OP’s daughter. "</p>
<p>Having skipped most responses, and not knowing anyone involved in person, I would have to agree with this.</p>
<p>If my mother only knew…would I have been any better off in the long run? IDK, but it’s possible us mothers can know TOO much in 2011. I was “un friended” part way through my D’s freshman year, and I am only gradually looking again, and she is letting me “see”.</p>
<p>I’m very bothered by the notion that the OP should be so fearful of taking direct and honest action on behalf of her college freshman daughter (who herself originally described this man’s behavior as “creepy”). Of course, when our kids go to college we have to step back and adjust our parenting but that doesn’t mean that we completely abdicate our responsibilities to them on their eighteenth birthday. This is particularly true when we are still financially responsible for them and are funding their higher education.</p>
<p>This girl is clearly at risk of, at the very least, heartbreak and this situation could very well end up ruining her undergraduate experience. In the OP’s place I would calmly tell her that this relationship is wrong on many levels and explain that I have a duty to inform the administration concerning this professor’s behavior. If the mother/daughter relationship prior to this situation was as strong and close as the OP says, the daughter may be upset but I really doubt that she will hate her mother forever.</p>
<p>I’m also really troubled by the fact that the OP is keeping this all a secret from her husband. Why does she have the right to do this? If the situation were reversed and the OP was a father would it be ok for him to say “my wife tends to be overemotional and impulsive so I’m not going to tell her that our daughter is in a terrible situation”? I think that barring serious mental illness, both parents have the right to be informed about any significant information affecting their children and I could never, in good conscience, keep anything this important from my husband.</p>
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<p>I really agree with this, wholeheartedly. </p>
<p>I used to talk to my mother by phone once a week on Sunday evening, whether we had anything to discuss or not. By the time we talked, that week, I’d already handled a significant amount of the things I find myself on the phone about these days. But, what are you supposed to do? Hang up?</p>
<p>Trust me, there have been times I’ve been tempted. :p</p>
<p>There is no question that this man’s behavior is unethical - but it is not illegal. The girl is 19. Put another way - if this man were her boss, not her professor, would so many be inclined to immediately take action and call his boss or supervisor to report that their daughter was sleeping with her boss?</p>
<p>I think it is more important to help the daughter see the reality - I think I would invite the guy to dinner ASAP (keep your friends close and your enemies closer). He won’t want to come and that should speed up the learning process but if she doesn’t learn to use better judgement (or to keep the better judgement she originally had about this guy but then jettisoned in the face of flattery) this won’t be the last bad relationship she finds herself in.</p>
<p>If he is odd enough to accept her dinner invitation with mom and dad you will learn a lot 1) that he is a lot more trouble than you thought 2) a chance to try and figure out what she now sees in him so you can immediately seek other avenues to build her up to a level of self confidence so she is not easy prey for him or anyone else like him.</p>
<p>His ethics violations can be delt with later, and in any number of ways, but most important to the OP is getting the daughter back on track. I don’t think a direct rescue mission will be the best long term strategy - this guy isn’t the only loser out there. </p>
<p>What if the next creep she falls for is a student her own age? He could be just as abusive in any number of ways but you couldn’t just get him removed from her world by calling his academic advisor and saying that he’s bad news for your daughter. School setting aside, she is an adult and this is consensual - it is also unethical, against policy and cause for termination but none of that really helps your daughter move forward with her life in a more self reliant manner.</p>
<p>I would tell your husband and work together on this - but given your description perhaps you should go on a long drive far from your cell phones and civilization before you break the news so he has time to process and doesn’t jump in and do something foolish before fully appreciating the consequences.</p>
<p>Perhaps your next mother/daughter tear jerker movie should be “Terms of Endearment”…</p>
<p>Seeing as I don’t think the OP’s daughter is in imminent danger, I might hesitate to drop a bomb on her like reporting this guy so close to finals. An exception might be if you think she is distracted from class because of this guy.</p>
<p>If after the summer she is still seeing him, I think a passive aggressive away of ending it (like inviting him to dinner) might be a good idea. And if that doesn’t work, then report it.</p>
<p>Hugs to you. This is horrible. Your daughter has her whole life in front of her, though, and your goal should be to get her through this and preserve your relationship. </p>
<p>It would be best if the daughter herself could come to realize how wrong this is. This will be a huge challenge, especially because they are engaging in the most powerful positive reinforcer known to humans (sex!) How to get her there? Some ideas:
- Return to the discussion about how no one in her class knows. Ask her, “Why haven’t you told anyone?” She will have to say something about what would happen if they found out, how they would think it is unfair (Ask “If you were them, would you think it unfair?”), how he would get in trouble (“Why?”) etc. until she comes out with how this is wrong.
- Ask, “Do you ever think about the balance of power in a relationship? Who should hold more power, the man or the woman? Why do you think this?” You can get her to admit that power should be equal. She may insist that it is equal in this relationship, and you may have to ask her questions until she sees that it is not.
- Ask, “Do you ever feel like you are not in control? How does this feel?” etc.
- Ask, “Have you told your friends about this relationship? What do they think? Are they leveling with you about what they think? Why or why not?”
- Ask, “Do you think that it is fair for a teacher or boss to favor one student over another for reasons that are non-academic?”
- Ask, “When you have to keep a relationship a secret, does this make you wonder anything?”
- Ask, “I wonder why he is an adjunct at all of these different schools. Isn’t that a bit unusual?”
etc. etc. You get the point. Lead her there with questions. Ask nicely. If she refuses to answer questions, you can say, “I can see that this is making you really uncomfortable, and I am wondering why. We’ve not had difficulty discussing things before. What is it about this that is the problem?”
If you can’t do this, is there another trusted adult who can? A health care provider, perhaps, or a relative that she admires?
If this doesn’t work, ask to meet the guy. Do something to fight nausea beforehand, like drinking ginger ale with extra ginger powder in it. He probably won’t show, which will be telling. Or maybe he is so manipulative that he will show and try to charm you, too. Fantasy conversation: You ask him, sweetly, “You know, it occurred to me that you don’t know my daughter’s true age. Leave it to her to try to say she is older. How old did she tell you she was?” If he says “19” you can say, “Tell me, please, why on earth would a man your age want to be with a 19 year old?” If he says she is mature, you can say, “I have known her for a very long time, and I assure you, she is a normal 19 year old in maturity. And you say that you relate to her so much! Hmmm; I wonder why?”
And, you have to tell your husband. He may surprise you with ideas that no one is thinking of.
Needless to say, watch watch watch for danger signs! Not letting her see her friends, wanting to know where she is all the time (all the texting is suspicious), giving her very expensive gifts, not letting her talk to other men, picking her up from wherever she is all the time and not letting her get there on her own, not wanting her to look attractive when with others…</p>
<p>Adjuncts often work at several schools to make enough to live so that is not odd. If you are at all aware of the market for profs–there is not one except for adjuncts so many well-qualifed people are on the adjunct trail.</p>
<p>[Maine</a> Adjunct Professors Are More Than Just Cash Cows](<a href=“http://zennie2005.blogspot.com/2011/01/maine-adjunct-professors-are-more-than.html]Maine”>Zennie Abraham Zennie62 Vlogger: Maine Adjunct Professors Are More Than Just Cash Cows)</p>
<p>“Fantasy conversation: You ask him, sweetly, “You know, it occurred to me that you don’t know my daughter’s true age. Leave it to her to try to say she is older. How old did she tell you she was?” If he says “19” you can say, “Tell me, please, why on earth would a man your age want to be with a 19 year old?” If he says she is mature, you can say, “I have known her for a very long time, and I assure you, she is a normal 19 year old in maturity. And you say that you relate to her so much! Hmmm; I wonder why?””</p>
<p>If he told you the truth you might not be able to handle it.</p>
<p>I’d be surprised if any of the latter stuff were true. Maybe the girl just likes older guys who don’t get drunk and fall asleep on top of them.</p>
<p>levirm - good, detailed plan, this is exactly the kind of guided toward growth I would do in the OP’s place…the rescue mission approach will only make her less sure of herself, and more vulnerable in the long run. This isn’t the easy way out for sure - but it makes the most sense if your daughter is priority #1 rather than punishing the lech IMO.</p>
<p>Prof’s eye view of the situation. Who knew Ames was such a swinging place?</p>
<p>[The</a> Smith Report: Faculty-Student Sex in Universities](<a href=“http://www.the-smith-report.com/2011/03/faculty-having-sex-with-students.html]The”>http://www.the-smith-report.com/2011/03/faculty-having-sex-with-students.html)</p>
<p>DH doesn’t read these boards. I was talking to him about this situation, and his answer to the problem is that he would drive to the school and visit the professor and tell him to end the relationship, resign from the school and stay away from his daughter or the phone records go to the proper university authorities along with a civil lawsuit against the school and professor. Might not win the suit but would be happy to cause the S_B a lot of trouble publicly. If he is interested in an honest relationship, quit the job so it isn’t against school regs, and join the family as a significant other of the child.</p>
<p>And then he describes his daughter’s advances and favorite sex acts and Dad cries softly in the corner. Never write checks with threats if you don’t want them cashed.</p>
<p>Wow… I haven’t had a chance to log on since last night so I’m a little surprised that this thread is still going. Of course, I’m reading all of the responses and I’m actually taking notes. </p>
<p>A few people have asked why I believe she went from thinking this guy was a creep and then two weeks later running into his arms. Trust me… I have been shaking my head and wondering the same exact thing. I am very shocked that this has happened. This isn’t the first male to be interested in her. She has had 2 serious bf’s in high school and was kind of interested/hung out many times with 2 other guys since being away at school. She decided around Christmas break that she’s rather be single. She also told me about 2 other guys that are interested in her but she’d rather be friends with them since they weren’t her type. These two in question are more of less like “Jersey Shore” type Italian guys who use more hair products than her :-)</p>
<p>The point I’m getting at is that she’s not lacking attention from the opposite sex. I notice guys looking at her when we’re out so I’m at a loss why she’d go running to this creep, especially after telling me how creepy he was!</p>
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<p>Wow…
Barrons I’ve been reading your puzzling responses on this thread for 2 days, and with your last post, it’s got me wondering why you seem to be, at best, neutral about the ethicality of this situation. And now the odd and unseemly speculation expressed above…</p>
<p>Have you some sort of life experience that informs your posts?</p>
<p>poetsheart: You beat me to it. Barrons, I think some of your remarks are inappropriate for the context and unnecessarily graphic.</p>
<p>barrons brings up a scenario that I have seen, a student who enjoys seeing if she can seduce her professor. I think that is what he has been getting at in some of his posts, the consensual issues surrounding the whole sad encounter.</p>
<p>It changes nothing. It is still unethical for a professor to engage in sex with his student, even if the student encourages it. The professor knows better and he should have enough self control to not take the bait.</p>
<p>i think folks ‘get’ what his point is, it’s more about the words he uses to demonstrate his point.</p>
<p>By phrasing things the way barrons does he forces us to really confront the possible extremes of the situation. If a person can look at the most extreme case and still say “there is a line and it was crossed” then they have really got a handle on what the issue is and what the ethics are.</p>
<p>I’m coming late to this thread and won’t offer advice but simply say as the father of a HS senior daughter who will enter college next year what I would do. If I were certain there was an intimate relationship between my daughter and a professor I would write the Dean of Students and cc the professor’s department head to say this is what is going on, here is why I believe it is happening. I would insist they intervene and correct this situation. The legal threat would be palpable even more so because I would not mention it. At the same time I would consult a lawyer to investigate the possibility of a civil suit against the professor and/or the college (depending upon their cooperation or the discovery of past transgressions by this professor that the college had overlooked). I would be compelled to act not simply for my daughter but for other daughters past or future who might be subject to exploitation by this professor. I would endure my daughter’s outrage/disappointment knowing I was right but also knowing time (years?) would lead to maturation and understanding. Good luck to you.</p>