<p>^ Did you google “faculty handbook xyz” where xyz is the college name? It seems like many schools have an online version.</p>
<p>I can get the student handbook but not the faculty handbook.</p>
<p>This situation could get worse… she could get pregnant (sorry, I read the early posts then missed a couple of days, so this could have been discussed already). THAT is a long term consequence. If you have not discussed birth control with your daughter and are not positive that she is using it, you should do so even if it is an uncomfortable conversation for both of you.</p>
<p>Seems to me that finding the policy for the university gives you some leverage. You need to find it (if it exists) and discuss it with her daughter. If I were you I would say that it is not personal about this guy (you haven’t even met him), but it is a violation of the university policy and with good reason. It is predatory for a man his age to be entering into relationships with his students. Historically these types of relationships almost always end poorly, and the woman is unfortunately the one who pays because the man usually has more power because of his position. You might suggest to her that while he is overseas, he is likely hitting on any young students he has over there (just place the thought in her mind – she will protest, but she will hear you…).</p>
<p>Then… honestly, I would back off and let her think about it over the summer. </p>
<p>I know, it would be best to get this creep out of his teaching position. But I have two daughters (and was once a female college student myself with a crush on more than one TA or prof…fortunately they were more decent men than this one!). And I see the OP’s desire to maintain that relationship with her daughter.</p>
<p>Maybe if her daughter comes around about what a creep this guy is, she will report him to the university herself eventually. That would be the best outcome. But it will require some waiting, and might not ever happen.</p>
<p>I just went to my D’s university site and typed in “sexual harassment” in the search box on the top right. The policy was at the top of the list, and it is quite clear.</p>
<p>I agree with jvtDad…not to say you couldn’t create a rift or have something negative happen. But sometimes, especially when you aren’t seeing your child in person on a daily basis and when they are ticked off/distant…problems can loom very large.</p>
<p>I know when I don’t get much sleep, my anxieties over things get bigger and bigger.</p>
<p>Perhaps you could just take a break from the worry (easier said than done, I know). It doesn’t sound like you are ready to do anything drastic. That’s fine. Reporting him, if you decide to do that, can wait.</p>
<p>Maybe you could just tell yourself you will not deal with ANY of it til you see her in person. THEN you can gauge how she is, and decide how to proceed.</p>
<p>She knows you don’t approve. That’s fine, in my book. Expected! I can’t imagine she thought you’d love the idea. If you are worried you’ll push her into negative action, just step back for a week or two.</p>
<p>I don’t think you will lose your daughter to him. I really don’t. She may be miffed, she may be rebelling, but I really don’t think she’ll move in with him and never speak to you again. You are her mom, and it sounds like you’ve always had a close relationship. It is normal however, and painful, for teens to break away. Maybe that is part of it in her case; she’s striking out ‘on her own’ into waters she knows you do not approve of. You don’t have to approve. Stay with your moral convictions, but don’t make her feel like a pariah, either. They come back. Really. </p>
<p>I’ve been thinking of you, and hope you can get some rest. Honestly, a counselor could be wonderful, or even consider going to your doc…my OB prescribed mild sleeping pills when I was going through an anxious time; the sleep really made a difference. My own initial reaction to your thread was OMG! You must act now! On reflection, while I still hope you eventually do report him, I don’t see any reason you must do so NOW. </p>
<p>One step at a time.</p>
<p>Good luck & bless you</p>
<p>There is no prohibition on professors dating students at my kids’ schools, although it is discouraged.</p>
<p>I think you should back way off. It is terribly inappropriate, in my opinion, but at 19 you need to let your daughter make these decisions. The consequences will likely not be good, but I don’t think you should put it on a different level than other guy you think is a jerk, too old for her, an opportunist, or any other failing. It seems the thing you’re focusing on is that he’s a professor. If you find dating students is against the college’s rules, I’d bring it to your daughter’s attention, but then leave it at that.</p>
<p>My friend’s parents are 14 years apart. His father was his mom’s professor in college… the rest is history. They have three steady headed kids and a solid life. Don’t freak out about it, it happens.</p>
<p>LondonGentleman - I don’t think the #1 issue with the mom is the age; it’s the fact that he has power over her. Your friend’s parents were of a different generation where this was more common and/or people looked the other way. I think what was learned from it though was that, for every positive outcome that you’ve mentioned, there are many, many more situations where it was a disaster waiting to happen.</p>
<p>Even today, if someone in an authority position, such as teacher/student, is attracted to one of their students, for dear sake, just wait until the semester is over to eliminate all potential conflicts. While I’m not fond of the huge age difference, I’d keep my opinions to myself if he were not her instructor and have power over her grades/future.</p>
<p>When you speak to the university tomorrow, you might remind them that their website proudly announces they belong to the Center for Academic Integrity, along with many hundreds of other universities. The guidewords for CAI are: Honesty, Respect, Responsibility, Trust, Fairness. (not in that order). They are primarily concerned about Student Honesty on tests, fair grading practices and such.</p>
<p>If there;s no specific policy advising faculty on whom they can and can’t date, perhaps you can talk with an administrator along these lines: “Academic Integrity” is a two-way street. How can I expect my daughter to receive fair, respectful treatment as a student in her coursework when her faculty current teacher has her in a position of power right now. this term. I understand her responsibilities to the school’s climate of academic integrity; what are the faculty’s instructions on same?</p>
<p>The fact that you haven’t yet located a written policy doesn’t mean you don’t have the absolute correct position here, ethically. And maybe you’ll yet find the words you seek when you see a faculty handbook. But even if you don’t, you may want to reference something like the connection I’ve cited for you here. If you think it helps at all. </p>
<p>Try not to worry. Easier said than done.</p>
<p>Sleeping pills are a good idea. It will be tough to stay calm and centered with such sleep deprivation that you are experiencing. Get some help, so that you can take care of business as you see fit.</p>
<p>Of course this seems like a terrible situation. Of course things could be much worse, so try to keep a fair perspective. Your D will likely figure things out appropriately, especially if she doesn’t get pushed towards defending him. Best wishes to you.</p>
<p>OP–good luck! Hope you got some good sleep, as that is the only way we can make sound choices. This is one of the reasons I’m glad my folks really didn’t know ALL the things I was doing when I was in college–they weren’t harmful but they could have kept my folks awake at night (they are worriers by nature). Somehow, I & my sibs turned out OK.</p>
<p>This situation WILL right itself one way or another. Your losing sleep will NOT help you or your D. (Easier said than adopted, I know.) Hang in there and know that many of us feel for you as you are going through this challenging time that many of us can ID with.</p>
<p>I say do us moms a favor and report him to the school. Yeah she is of legal age and all but what he is doing is just wrong. These guys just prey on young girls.</p>
<p>from my D’s school’s web site:</p>
<p>Faculty members exercise power over students, whether in giving them praise or criticism, evaluating them, making recommendations for their further studies or their future employment, or conferring any other benefits on them. <em>All amorous or sexual relationships between faculty members and students are unacceptable when the faculty member has any professional responsibility for the student.</em> Such situations greatly increase the chances that the faculty member will abuse his or her power and sexually exploit the student. Voluntary consent by the student in such a relationship is suspect, given the fundamental asymmetric nature of the relationship. Moreover, other students and faculty may be affected by such unprofessional behavior because it places the faculty member in a position to favor or advance one student’s interest at the expense of others and implicitly makes obtaining benefits contingent on amorous or sexual favors. Therefore, the University will view it as a violation of the Code of Academic Ethics if faculty members engage in amorous or sexual relations with students for whom they have professional responsibility, as defined in number 1 or 2 below, even when both parties have consented or appear to have consented to the relationship. Such professional responsibility encompasses both instructional and non-instructional contexts. </p>
<p>If you can’t find this policy on the school web site, I would call and ask what the policy is. You can be anonymous…or just say you are a concerned parent.</p>
<p>If you have a copy of your D’s college’s policy, that would be a great conversation topic when she gets home–as in, “you see why I am concerned?”</p>
<p>Meanwhile, wishing you peace</p>
<p>I’m curious as to what you find out from the school today, as well OP.</p>
<p>I checked my kids’ school, googled “Sexual Harassment”. It took me to a page which defined Sexual Harrassment (was in a faculty site for one of the individual colleges), and included the following paragraph at the end of the definition:
“In addition to this definition, faculty members are prohibited from engaging in intimate relationships with xyz College students.”</p>
<p>Although, further searching found this under a faculty site (across the University, not specific to a certain college)…</p>
<p>“While sexual relationships between instructors and the students in their classes are not prohibited in the sense that penalties are attached to such conduct, all members of the campus community are urged to consider the ethical concerns that may arise as a result of such relationships.”</p>
<p>I agree with the poster who suggested getting some sleep aids to help you sleep. You need to take care of yourself.</p>
<p>I, too, hope you can relax and get some peace. The fact that you text/speak with your daughter every day clearly points to the connection you must have with her. Personally I wouldn’t touch this situation with a ten foot pole, but that is simply me. I would worry that harm would be done to the relationship I had with the D, I would worry that it would impact the D’s relationships at school - he said/she said, who did the pursuing and all that and three I don’t think parents should get involved with their kids’ relationships unless something is life threatening. </p>
<p>Regarding the concept of sexual harassment…I would think it would have to be the D or the Prof who filed. I’m doubtful a family member can file on behalf of another family member, but I could be wrong. Advance carefully, you may be incensed that an older man has his mitts on your D but they are both consensual adults and it takes two to tango so to speak. Looking for a way to “hurt” or get “revenge” from the older man could simply drive a wedge into the relationship you have with your D. There are often “no winners” in these situations.</p>
<p>I found the faculty handbook for my S1’s college. The policy basically says the prof has to remove himself from evaluating the student by transferring or having a different faculty member evaluate.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>There are at least two ethical problems here.</p>
<p>1) The relationship between the instructor (more accurate than “professor”) and the student is unethical. The brunt of the blame is with the instructor, but from all the evidence we have, the student has freely chosen to continue the relationship. There does not appear to be a quid pro quo, so I think some of the blame goes to the student (who is an adult). Not knowing the instructor’s view, this could be anything from “predator” to the beginning to a long-term relationship. You and I don’t have to like it, but this kind of thing has been going on for a long time. Inappropriate love is old, old story and the inappropriateness is part of the attraction. No doubt Romeo and Juliet’s parents were worried sick about their relationship and all the rules it was breaking. Generally, when adults do this, I would rather try to stay away from any fallout than try to cause a breakup. YMMV</p>
<p>2) The OP has an ethical problem as well, as the OP is keeping it all secret from the spouse. It’s not clear to me that the OP is on much moral high ground here. Perhaps the OP should deal with her personal relationships before enforcing her views on other adults. Oh my, that came out way too harsh, but there’s an issue here.</p>
<p>The OP has given her advice to her adult child, and short of physical danger, I think the adult child, who has more information than anybody else here, needs to be the one to make decisions. I know that it is very hard to let things go, but at some point, the child should be treated as adult. Probably karma is going to get me into a similar dilemma now.</p>
<p>A. There is only one POV being presented in this case and as usual I do not attribute 100% accuracy to any such evidence. </p>
<p>B. I did find a direct policy statement on these issues from a very large state university system and while considered “unwise” there is no ouright ban on such relationships as described in this case. So legality is certainly not certain. </p>
<p><a href=“http://www.bus.wisc.edu/hr/docs/sexual_harassment_brochure.pdf[/url]”>http://www.bus.wisc.edu/hr/docs/sexual_harassment_brochure.pdf</a></p>
<p>You have options about WHEN and HOW this is reported to the school, if ever. I would definitely not want to make waves during final exams, where it can only be an extra distraction for any student, but keep my options open and get it reported at the time that works for you, your D & family (preferably sooner than later.</p>
<p>If/when it is presented, the U will decide what they choose to do about it. All we as parents can do is bring the issue to the U’s attention and expect them to take “appropriate” action as befits the situation that emerges upon investigation.</p>
<p>barrons,</p>
<p>I checked out your link and you left out an important part of the snippet:</p>
<p>“Therefore, consensual relationships with power differences are considered unwise.
If, however, such relationships are entered into and there is a conflict of interest (in making present or future academic and employment decisions), the individual with the power or status advantage is required to notify his or her immediate supervisor so that arrangements can be made to remove or minimize the negative effects of the conflict.”</p>