<p>That is indeed an important issue–anyone interested in laying odds on whether “immediate supervisor” was notified about this and/or steps taken to minimize/remove negative effects of conflict?</p>
<p>Okay, I don’t know the answer to this…just raising it as a question.</p>
<p>Lets say mom waits until exams are over and then reports it. Is there any possibility that the grade in the course will be revoked? I mean, really, isn’t whatever grade the young woman gets from this man somewhat questionable? </p>
<p>If mom rather than D reports it, is there any possibility that school officials will assume that the REASON the mom waited was she didn’t want her D to lose the benefit of the situation here? </p>
<p>Is there any way the mom could call and say that her D is having a relationship with an instructor and mom would prefer if someone other than this instructor evaluate her D’s final or papers, etc? </p>
<p>Can mom raise this with D? Look, if you get an A in this course, everyone’s going to assume it’s because you are teacher’s pet, not because you earned it. The grade might be revoked. </p>
<p>In other words, I DO see a down side to waiting.</p>
<p>^So an honorable person would go to his supervisor and say, “I have a problem. There is a relationship developing and we need to transfer this person from my class.”</p>
<p>I think it’s worth going to the instructor to A) meet him, B) ask him why he is violating university policy or when he plans to start obeying it. It’s a variant on “What are your intentions towards my daughter?”</p>
<p>At the very least, there should be an independent grader involved. This would eliminate the thorns in post 302. Rather awkward to transfer classes at this point, as another section may be covering different material, etc. & hard to know how much time is left in the term.</p>
<p>I do like MusicMom’s suggestion–it seems to resolve at least some of the academic fallout that could occur (say if they broke up tonight & he’s mad when he grades the final).</p>
<p>Anyone living in the US in 2011 with a lick of common sense knows that this kind of behavior can get one in a whole lot of hot water and result in loss of employment. So clearly this prof doesn’t have a lick of common sense. Try to explain that to your daughter, and if you can’t find the explicit rules for her specific college, then show her the 100’s of other school’s policies that exist out there on the web. Maybe her naivete prevents her from realizing she is dating a doofus, but once pointed out to her perhaps she’ll be less enamoured.</p>
<p>I think the mom, the dad and the D need to have a long talk before anyone does anything.</p>
<p>“My biggest concern is losing my daughter to him.”</p>
<p>What does that MEAN?</p>
<p>Although I can understand some of the advise about parents staying out of 19 year old daughter’s private life… it seems that should be less true when the student is not self-supporting. </p>
<p>When parents are using their retirements savings (and possibly even accumulating some college debt), I can understand that they’d want the student to be concentrating on the academics. Not an affair with an instructor.</p>
<p>Yes but how is that different than a relationshp with the guy down the hall or in the next dorm or in a frat. or living in an apartment?..kids have relationshps in college and they grow and learn from those relationships and those relationships coexist with going to class, studying, etc. etc. Secondarily, not all college boys are 18-21…it’s not a relationship that is bothering this mom it’s the fact that it’s someone significantly older and someone who is a teacher/prof/working at the college. I’m not sure as parents, even if we’re “paying” for the education we have the right or ability to govern what our kids do with their relationships. We can counsel, advise, pray or if their are clear legal issues intervene in a way the laws allow but other than that I think we have to let the kids grow up and learn from their mistakes even when we want to go in with guns blazing and rescue our younguns…</p>
<p>The other thing that strikes me is that this guy isn’t “old”. The OP reports he is 34…last time I looked that is pretty young actually. I know I was more attracted (and dated) guys that were a good 10-15 years older than myself because I thought young guys were insufferable and immature. Made my parents nuts but… So the only problem I see is that this guy is her prof and he should extricate himeself from that situation but perhaps it’s getting close to the end of the semester and won’t be an issue in a week or two? Maybe not the moral right path, but not totally unbelievable…</p>
<p>Might make sense to let the semester end and see if the relationship holds out long distance over the summer. I doubt it, but you never know.</p>
<p>Yes, momofthreeboys, your comment:
I’m not sure as parents, even if we’re “paying” for the education we have the right or ability to govern what our kids do with their relationships. We can counsel, advise, pray or if their are clear legal issues intervene in a way the laws allow but other than that I think we have to let the kids grow up and learn from their mistakes even when we want to go in with guns blazing and rescue our younguns…</p>
<p>I agree 100%. I really can’t believe how many parents have written in advising the OP to go in on a white horse to “rescue” the D, call the school and protect her from this “predator.” I’m really hoping that she takes a more hands-off approach and allow the daughter to mature and learn from this situation. This too shall pass. And if it doesn’t, that means he’s become the son-in-law–someone with whom Mom and Dad will want to have at least a decent relationship.</p>
<p>“how is that different than a relationship with the guy down the hall or in the next dorm or in a frat. or living in an apartment?” - Per the OP, the daughter hangs out at the instructor’s town, 25 miles away. That is more of a distraction than a student in the next dorm. Also… there’s a good chance the daughter is not paying much attention to the coursework in that class.</p>
<p>Typed “sexual harassment” into d’s college’s search engine and got this:</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>On my son’s college website, I found a link to the Faculty handbook and found this:</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>There’s no question, this guy is behaving inappropriately and unethically. SOMEONE needs to report him. I can understand waiting until after finals (and maybe after grades are out?) I also greatly sympathize with the fear that the daughter will be furious and this will damage her relationship with her parents. If you “turn him in,” will the daughter tell you the truth in the future? Or will she hide information she thinks you won’t approve of?</p>
<p>This is a truly tough situation, and you have my sympathy. I think the reason so many people are chiming in is that there really are pitfalls no matter what you do. </p>
<p>In my head, I say, “You need to notify the college, so that he doesn’t do this to some other student.” In my heart, I know that if it were my daughter, I’d WANT to notify the college, but I’d be afraid of losing her trust. </p>
<p>If she thought he was creepy at first, and now she’s spending the night at his house 25 miles from campus… this isn’t good, and it probably isn’t going to end well. You want to be sure she knows she can come home for a cry and a hug, and she won’t hear “I told you so.” (Although you may have to go to the “say it here” thread and write it in all caps hundreds of times to get it out of your system: I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO!)</p>
<p>Hugs and best wishes to you. There are hundreds of us moms out here saying, “There but for the grace of God…”</p>
<p>The only thing I do know: you need to tell your husband. It’s not fair to him to keep this from him. Unless you think he’ll go completely bonkers and do something illegal…</p>
<p>Even though most college students are over 18, and many instructors are pretty young themselves, virtually every college in the US has rules against instructors having affairs with their students for a reason. The power differential, the fact that the instructor is assessing the student, so many factors make such a relationship unethical. Not to mention the issue of what happens when the student turns down an instructor’s advances or wants to break up with a (rule-breaking and unethical simply by virtue of the existence of the relationship) professor who is then in the position to grade her work and have a negative impact on her academic and professional future. </p>
<p>So IMHO this is not a swell, upstanding, ethical 34 year old guy who happens to have fallen for a charming 19 year old woman. This is a guy with some character issues, some judgment issues, and some authority issues. Call me a stoolie, but I would report him just as I would report a physician, psychotherapist, or lawyer who was sleeping with a 19 year old client in violation of his profession’s standards of conduct.</p>
<p>Also remember that it isn’t just the OP’s student, if I recall correctly from the beginning of the post there were other students of his he was coming on to. That includes meeting teenagers at the bar for drinks where he must have known they were using fake IDs and maybe springing for drinks. That is not only unethical and contrary to school policy but also illegal.</p>
<p>I am mother of daughter who is going to enroll in NYC in the class of 2015 some 7000 miles away from home. And this post caught my attention. I have to say i absolutely empathise with you and can imagine how heartbreaking , worrisome and frustrating this can be for any parent. I pray that children should at least try to understand sometimes that their choices can lead to so much heartache for their parents. </p>
<p>I can’t think of an absolutely right way to handle this. I do agree with the whole lot of
advise and suggestions but at the end of it is all so crazy and so much of time and effort and heartache for you and your family. My heart goes out to you and i pray that this gets sorted out and all your lives are back on track so to say as fast as possible. </p>
<p>I hope the professor involved would himself pause and think about his actions. After all he too is somebody’s son and you never know tomorrow he might be a father of a couple of girls and this should befall him. Where i come from we believe ‘what goes around comes around’ and we all have to pay for our ‘karma’ in this lifetime itself. </p>
<p>The college years are so important and precious and demanding that this is absolutely not worth it. I do hope all of this is sorted out and i am praying for you.</p>
<p>All the best and take care.</p>
<p>"Nothing will happen to your daughter if you contact the school. </p>
<p>The 34 YO is using his classes as a place to pick up chicks? Mention high priced lawyers and big lawsuits if you need to but you won’t need to any dean on earth is going to hit the roof the minute they find out. </p>
<p>The guy is toast. </p>
<p>You have his private parts in your hands. </p>
<p>Document the relationship with chat logs or something but the last thing you have to worry about is the school getting mad at your D. She is the victim here." - ACCecil</p>
<p>Exactly! Call that school asap and let them know that you are not paying tens of thousands of dollars to have one of their employees abuse his position of power and authority to get in the sack with your daughter. </p>
<p>Guys like this one often transmit STDs</p>
<p>"The only thing I do know: you need to tell your husband. It’s not fair to him to keep this from him. Unless you think he’ll go completely bonkers and do something illegal… "</p>
<p>Such as driving to the instructor’s love shack and opening up a can of whupass.</p>
<p>Just a thought… if your daughter won’t listen to you that this relationship is wrong, perhaps you can assemble the many quotes that have been posted here from other college handbooks and faculty guides and show them to her. You’re not some crazy old fuddy-duddy to think this relationship is wrong - I’m willing to bet virtually every college in the nation has rules that prohibit this type of relationship while the professor is teaching the student. This is NOT acceptable behavior on the part of the professor under ANY standards of professional or ethical behavior. If he REALLY cared about her, he’d wait until the class was over, THEN contact her. </p>
<p>Still wondering what her friends think of all this… but she’s probably not going to tell you. </p>
<p>:(</p>
<p>Questions and comments:</p>
<ol>
<li>“It takes two to tango”. If OP’s daughter, runs into the Prof.'s arm and happy about it, why it is our problem?</li>
<li>If OP thinks it is that bad, why not just go and stop them right now? Why wait for the end of the semester? Are we expecting something in exchange for the relationship?</li>
<li>If the guy is a real jerk and is a serial predator, he will move on soon enough. If he has no interest in marrying OP’s daughter, I bet he will move on during summer. If he is a predator, one way or the other, he will eventually get punished.</li>
<li>Every happy relationship has one thing in common: Love. If there is a real love in this relationship, then there is nothing that will break them apart. On the other hand, if there is only lust and/or using it as a mean of getting good grades, it will not last for long. Other than OP, her D and the “Prof.”, none of us on CC are close enough to know what we are dealing with here. </li>
<li>Agreed, the Prof. is perhaps lack of professional judgment in getting into the relationship. Again, “Love is blind”. Both the Prof and the D may be are smoking the “love pot” at the moment. Only these two can really tell.</li>
</ol>
<p>As many have said, it would be stunning if having a sexual relationship with a student one is currently grading does not violate the school’s policies. Can you get the school’s policy manual? It may well be online.</p>
<p>I would not blithely accept people’s assurances that there would not be a reprisal against your daughter. Take a look at the threads here involving Naomi Wolf’s conversations with Yale and the Title IX suit against Yale alleging a hostile atmosphere against women. The named lech there was a famous literature professor, who would be protected much more strenuously than an adjunct, but you cannot count on the institution closing ranks against your daughter. The first kind of reprisal would be in the grade your daughter gets. It will take more than three weeks for the bureaucracy to process a complaint, so he will be grading your daughter. The second would be a reputation as a whistle blower.</p>
<p>So, I would advise waiting until the end of the semester. </p>
<p>If you want to intervene at that point, I would assemble the documentation, schedule a meeting with either the department chairman or with a senior administrator in charge of monitoring compliance with government regulations, or both. I would explain the situation and show them but perhaps not give them a copy of the documentation. I would suggest that the behavior is in contravention of school policy. I would be clear that you think the professor should be terminated (easy to do if he’s an adjunct) and that there should be no reprisals against your daughter and that this all remain private to respect your daughter’s privacy. I would ask how they intend to respond.</p>