<p>I think you are wise to wait until the semester is over. She doesn’t think of herself as a little girl who needs her mom’s protection and it’s best to drop it until she finishes the semester. Somewhere along the line she changed her mind and this guy was no longer a “creep”…it happens. Age has nothing to do with that particular change of heart. If it continues into the summer perhaps you’ll get a chance to meet the guy or it will just dissolve over time. What you do with the college is of course your decision but it’s not just you and the college it’s you, your D, your H, the teacher and the college and at some point you’ll have to weigh the vaue of that particular fight.</p>
<p>Phew!!! (about the stalker thing…)</p>
<p>Someone told me yesterday that the “common sense” part of your brain, the frontal lobe, isn’t fully developed until about age 23. I guess her frontal lobe without a doubt isn’t fully developed!</p>
<p>And then it deteriorates rapidly at 35, which is evidenced by our politicians. Adult-onset adolescence.</p>
<p>Ellen- If I do confront him then I have to be very careful with what I do and say because there’s a very good chance that everything will be repeated back to her.</p>
<p>How long till the end of the semester? One month?</p>
<p>I think you definitely can assume that much you or your H say to the man if that moment occurs will be repeated back to your D. He doesn’t see your D as a “little girl.”</p>
<p>She has one more week of classes. She’ll be home in 12 days.</p>
<p>It is obviously a sign of poor judgement on his part to have a romantic relationship with his current student. But if you ruin him by reporting this to school while your daughter is in this relationship and in love with him, you will lose her trust, and damage your relationship with her greatly. It may very well take many, many years for her to be able to see “your side” - maybe not until she has her own child who makes similar mistakes…</p>
<p>I know I have to be very careful on how I handle this whole situation. I’m so torn but I really do feel as if I have a say on what goes on because I’m the one paying for her education. She has a 10k scholarship and took out 5500.00 in stafford loans but the balance of 31k was paid by us! We’re far from wealthy but we have saved for her education. We have her 2nd year saved too but by her junior year we’ll be refinancing our house to pay for the other two years. It’s not setting us back at all since our house is almost paid off BUT don’t we have a say in her life if we’re paying for everything? We bought her car and even pay for the insurance. Basically we pay for everything. She has always had a part time job but that only covers her gas, entertainment and the money she spends while away at school. Is it wrong of me to think I can try to tell her how to handle certain aspects of her life or try to interfere? Am I so crazed about this that I’m not thinking clearly?
I think it’s time I do talk with a professional…</p>
<p>It might help. It might help you separate your concerns for your D and your anger at the man. It is without a doubt a gray area. You don’t “own” your daughter although I agree it feels that way sometimes when we’re paying huge amounts of money to put them through college. By waiting you also have a chance to see how her grades are, you never know sometimes “love” makes people brilliant. I know H and I would not finish paying for college if our kids decided to get married before finishing their undergrad. The kids know this, too. I know we won’t continue to pay if they won’t put the work into get passing grades…there are areas where we feel we have leverage. We talk to them constantly about unwanted pregnancy, drinking to excess, drugs etc. but short of counseling we can’t really “stop” them from doing something they might do that we don’t approve of. Most of the time we probably don’t “know” what they are up to. Also don’t assume that her love interest is preventing her from pulling the grades she needs. On the other hand if the grades slipped dramatically then you do have a point of discussion.</p>
<p>You paying for her schooling does not entitle you to have any say in her personal relationships. If you see that she is failing classes or her grades drop because she is to busy with her love life, you can tie your financial support to GPA…
The only reason you know what is going on with the prof is because she told you. She will never tell you anything about her personal life ever again if you “ruin her life” by interfering. Try to see this from her point of view. If her academics are unaffected, you have no case at all. And she may even be doing better academically, if she is trying to impress him.</p>
<p>What they are doing is wrong - him by going out with someone he has authority over, and her by getting involved with someone who could give her unfair advantage over other students. You have no control over the professor, but it is up to you to teach your kid what’s right and wrong. There is no price when it comes to do the right thing, and in this case it is her grade (credit), not pay. By waiting to report the professor until she receives her grade, you are telling her that her grade is more important than doing what is right.</p>
<p>I would have made her (yes, made her) drop his class, reported him to school, and made sure the school didn’t penalyze her for dropping the class. If my daughter should get mad at me for doing the right thing, then so be it. I would have told her that the right thing to do would have been to wait until she wasn’t in his class any more.</p>
<p>Our kids are all going to enter work force someday. This type of behavior could get people fired. I am in the process of sending an expat home for inappropriate behavior - outside of work. Character matters, and love(infatuation) is not an excuse for inappropriate behavior. Parents by taking a strong stand on issues like this will be better help their kids (and our society) in the long run, even if it may mean temporary damaging the relationship.</p>
<p>okay, oldfort just said it all. case closed. </p>
<p>needadvice: just keep reading #353 until that sinks in.</p>
<p>oldfort- I’m not just waiting to decide what to do until her classes are over because of the grade in his class. I’m waiting because I don’t want her to have to deal with more stress than she has to until the semester is over. I don’t want her stressed… period! She’s 160 miles away from home. She doesn’t even know that I’m considering turning this guy in because we haven’t spoken a word about this since she left to go back to school last weekend.
I don’t believe turning him in last week and making her drop his class would be the right thing to do. It would only make others aware that something went down and attention brought to her.</p>
<p>I agree with oldfort too for many reasons, plus for $31,000 per year you have the right to tell her what to do.</p>
<p>Having the right and exercising that right are 2 different things. Whatever you do, OP, I’m wishing you good luck.</p>
<p>I think you are doing the right thing, needadvice12345. Hang in there. And you should wait until after the grade is posted . You have been doing great. When it’s ready, tell your daughter as you think you should tell her, then let her decide. That you are paying and as a parent, you have to have an opinion and an action … Let see how your daughter reacts when he is not around …
Best</p>
<p>I wouldn’t make my kid drop the class this close to the end of the year. 12 days? She’ll have to repeat it or take another to replace it, and I still feel that she is the victim here, even if she should have known better. Why punish her for what really is this guy’s predatory behavior?<br>
I think you’re doing the right thing by waiting and handling it after the semester, with her input.</p>
<p>There is usually no withdrawal option this late in the semester. She would have to take an F in the class if she was to drop it, and if English is her major, this would be a very bad option for her.</p>
<p>It is easy to advise to take the high road when it is someone else’s kid.</p>