<p>Sorry, I don’t see the OP’s daughter as “an adult”. She is, as evidenced by her thoughtless plunge into this relationship fraught with peril, terribly naive and inexperienced in the ways of the world. She is in way over her head, and has been set up for a world of hurt . Think back to when you were 19. Didn’t you think you were an adult, and pretty much had all your &%$# in one sock? I did. But, I was wrong, wrong, wrong. Retrospective from the vantage of true adulthood taught me how stupid I really I was at nineteen —and just how lucky. Why do people attach so much adult legitimacy to this girl’s age? If I’m eighteen today, but turn nineteen tomorrow at midnight, will that witching hour suddenly render me a real adult? I don’t think so. Just because the OP’s D isn’t sleeping under Mom and Dad’s roof every night, doesn’t mean she can take care of herself. Hands off is not a good idea.</p>
<p>While some posters may see this as an equal-on-equal situation, the college most assuredly would not. Are there any colleges which discipline the student as harshly as they do the professor?</p>
<p>What happens FORMALLY by the U and what may happen informally in a U or other setting may vary and not be as helpful and comforting of the student as many of us might hope. Like whistleblowers, people who raise issues that institutions prefer not to acknowledge can be shunned or deal with other unpleasant fallout, by peers and by faculty/administration. Prior posters in this thread had detailed some of this as well.</p>
<p>I tend to think 5, 10 steps down the road…many posters here are advocating for the daughter come home, talk to the daughter (maybe getting her professional help), hoping this predator would go away after the summer, and in the fall he will find someone else to prey on. What if the daughter does come to her senses (as most 19 year old do move on) and he doesn’t move on? I don’t think someone like that would easily take no for an answer. At that point, I am not sure how much the school would be required to do, especially if she is no longer his student, it’ll be just another relationship gone bad. If this turns into a stalking situation, it would be very unpleasant for the girl.</p>
<p>I apologize if I am too much of an alarmist, but D1 did have a relationship with someone 7 years older when she was 18. We tried to treat her like an adult. But when he couldn’t take no for an answer, we had to step in to help. It took few months after D1 broke it off, for him to go away. Subsequently, a poster on CC PM me about their ordeal with their daughter. It cost family a lot of money, and a lot of emotional damage to their daughter.</p>
<p>We are hoping the professor would lose interest, and this would just quietly go away. It is much easier for us bystanders to hope, but if it was my child, I would want more than hope. This professor didn’t have a one night stand with the daughter, he is having a relationship with her. I think this will become public at some point.</p>
<p>19 is not a full, grown adult, especially in this time and age. Our kids tend to be more sheltered.</p>
<p>" Our kids tend to be more sheltered"</p>
<p>And whose fault is that? I read an article about an older area of Seattle that was heavily middleclass Catholic in the 1930’s-70’s. One thing they remembered was as kids they ran free pretty much of the day outside school. Now we have created a generation of sheltered large children rather than young adults who handle the world mostly on their own with parents as a safety net.</p>
<p>Barrons you beat me to it. All of us grown up in a harsh and tough environment. We know how to deal with thugs even at the age of 10. I am just as guilty as the next one who sheltered our kids. I hope they can learn just as quickly, if they are smart enough.</p>
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<p>He probably got a lot of “hot chili peppers” ratings from his students.</p>
<p>OP - My heart goes out to you. I hope you can get some sleep.</p>
<p>have read a lot of these posts…The way I see it is the bottom line being: It is against School Policy(with many, many good reasons for said policy)! no ifs, ands, or buts…as a wife of a Prof., I can say that it is up to the teacher to ‘do the right thing’, which is not to engage in any personal relationships with students. And if the teacher cannot make the right decision (as this predator obviously cannot), he does not belong in a position of trust.</p>
<p>The school needs to be notified and quickly…this is not the education you (or the student) bargained for, and this is one situation that should not ever have to be dealt with…</p>
<p>This is not a ‘Victorian attitude’ this is a matter of ethical behavior. Dating an older man is not the issue in this situation. It is the teacher’s illegal, as well as immoral behavior with regards to his position. And,he needs to be stopped from making his classroom a dating pool.</p>
<p>If I was the mother in this situation, I would definitely tell my husband, and let my child know that we are all going to be meeting with the Dean. If she ‘blows up’, so be it - she will get over it. She will eventually grow up and realize how right you are to protect her. her…</p>
<p>As my earlier post states, I have no sympathy for this guy, but I think people may be making some big assumptions from relatively sparse data.</p>
<p>It is likely, though not certain, that he is an adjunct professor. That’s good as adjunct professors in English are a dime a dozen (or maybe five cents a dozen). A school probably wouldn’t circle the wagons around an adjunct unless there were some other connection – and as oldfort stated, we don’t know if he is the nephew of the department chairman.</p>
<p>We do not know that the guy is a predator who won’t take no for an answer. Because he has snared OP’s daughter and has the picture of another (named?) young woman on his Facebook page, we have speculated that he has a taste for much younger women (but not minors). How confident should we be that this is a compelling psychological pattern? </p>
<p>Assuming he is strongly attracted to younger girls, what evidence do we have that he wouldn’t run to the next willing freshman if OP’s daughter tells him to jump in a lake rather than stalk her or try to stay involved in her life?</p>
<p>I do want to raise one thing that is probably not directly relevant to this situation but is to some of the assumptions that people seem to be making. I began teaching at age 26 as a professor in a quantitative course that was required in the first year for a high prestige professional degree in a school with a forced curve. I had to effectively fail a certain percentage of students. Women were disproportionately represented in the humanities majors group that had major difficulty with this course. I was demanding but really tried to get them to learn and students believed this. I was available to help them. According to a second year student, half the girls in the class had a crush on me. The parade of genuinely nice and often attractive young women needing help that I willingly gave (who made it hard to focus because a couple of extra buttons were unbuttoned) and the number who didn’t need any help but nonetheless who came in regularly to talk was surprising. I did have some subtle, “Is there anything I can do to raise my grade?” queries. The majority of the class was male but my very protective 50 year old secretary repeatedly noticed that the majority of my office hours appointments were female. I was single at the time and really liked some of them, but figured that it wouldn’t be a good idea to do anything. I wasn’t thinking morally but prudentially (I don’t want sexual harassment charges to deter my career). I started keeping my door open and my secretary would drop by from time to time.</p>
<p>To be sure, the situation was different as I was in the same age range as my students rather than 36 and was tenure track rather than adjunct and didn’t act on any dumb impulses unlike the guy in OP’s case, but it is not uncommon for young female students to get crushes on their male professors (at least young-looking ones but sometimes older ones as well) and to be much more socially skilled (I’m sure most of my female students could have run circles around me in the social skills dimension). I did have a strong sense from one of my very capable female students that she thought I was a great marriage candidate. I didn’t respond. She later married a famous professor at least 20 years older than me. A couple of years ago, we had another colleague and his wife for dinner and my wife asked them how they met. She said, “I was a student of his and thought, he’s cute. I wonder if I can get him interested in me. So, I started going in for lots of help.” He was probably as socially clueless as I was and thought she was interested in the help, and now they are married. Hey, he probably thought it was his idea to ask her out. So, not all people who go out with their attractive young students are predators. </p>
<p>I wonder if there is some correlation between the nature of the student’s relationship with her father and her susceptibility to attraction to an authority figure like a professor. Those more susceptible to being attracted to an authority figure might well be prey for the predator.</p>
<p>I am primarily concerned about the repercussions for OP’s daughter and think that has to come first. Once the supervisory relationship has ended (grades are in) and the OP has ascertained that this behavior violates the sexual harassment policy (which it certainly should), I think OP can decide whether to present evidence to the department chairman or appropriate dean, with an agreement that this will be handled in private. The department can undoubtedly drop an adjunct without a big formal procedure. But, I’d still be concerned against difficult relations with the English department so if that were her major, I’d think twice.</p>
<p>It is only illegal behavior if there is some sort of quid pro quo or measurable unfairness. All the rest is more about appearances. Some guys like skinny women some like them fat. Some like them older and some younger. Some women really like mature guys and some don’t, but this gap is certainly far from being off the charts. More likely it’s an archetype that has been around since colleges began.
I don’t think we have any proof yet what the policy of this school is but I missed some posts. I do know that that while “unwise” there is no hard rule against it at some top schools and I think most publics would have a hard time defending a total ban in court.</p>
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I wonder if there is some correlation between the nature of the student’s relationship with her father and her susceptibility to attraction to an authority figure like a professor. </p>
<p>I have been thinking that also, and wondering if that had something to do with the OP’s hesitancy to tell her husband. </p>
<p>Another thought is we don’t really know if this instructor has transferred the grading of the D’s work to another individual. Maybe he’s “legit” and has removed himself from directly grading the daughter. Or maybe not. Which scenario is correct would give a more accurate picture here.</p>
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<p>It is with this type of thinking why so many women do not report inappropriate behavior at work. I say it is more important to teach our daughters to be strong women, and not put up with this crap. It would be a very good message to send to the daughter that her grades and her degree are not as important as her self respect.</p>
<p>I don’t get all you folks who are saying this is a situation between equals and the daughter is equally to blame.</p>
<p>The rules are clear. Professors are never to have relationships with students who they are CURRENTLY TEACHING. It doesn’t take a handbook to understand that - it’s basic common sense. The rules do exist though, and they exist for a reason, and this guy is breaking them.</p>
<p>He is in a position to evaluate the OP’s daughter. My D is also freshman in college, and is also very attractive. Am I paying tens of thousands of dollars to have one of her professors take a fancy to her? NO! I am paying for them to TEACH her, and to do it PROFESSIONALLY.</p>
<p>People keep saying the guy will eventually get caught. Well, only if someone turns him in. </p>
<p>OTOH, I do understand the OP’s desire to keep an open and loving relationship with her daughter. She wants her daughter to feel safe talking with her. Turning this guy in may jeopardize that.</p>
<p>This is the OP’s only child. If I knew my kid had walked into this kind of quandary, where heartbreak is pretty much inevitable AND her academic career may be in jeopardy, would I turn the other cheek and sleep soundly through the night? Heck no. And if I did, I’d be a lousy excuse for a parent.</p>
<p>I’m young and naive, sure, but as a teenager myself, I’d be repulsed if my Mother basically sat there and allowed me to, for lack of a better term, screw my 34 year old professor at his own home. It’s just so skeezy. And you know what? I agree with the parents who are saying that you’re a parent, not a friend.</p>
<p>Honestly, what’s the purpose of having a close relationship with your daughter, if whatever comes out of your daughter’s mouth, no matter how vulgar, you do nothing about because you don’t want to “ruin your friendship with your daughter”? She’s an adult? Oh please, I’m 18. I don’t consider myself for a second, an adult. </p>
<p>And truthfully? The last thing you want is for your daughter to view you as a “friend” she can tell everything to. Call me traditional, but from my experience, mother’s who are their kid’s “friends” tend to be treated by their own kids as equals, and let me say: Mothers who are equals to their kids and do not command respect have failed in their roles as mothers. It actually repulses me. I tell my mother the important things because I know she gives good advice and she knows when to step in, even if I don’t like it at first. I assume your daughter will know the same.</p>
<p>oldfort, I didn’t say “Don’t proceed.” Just, think carefully, because it may not be pleasant or fun. Your and Lafulum’s concern about the damage acting may do to the relationship with her daughter would weigh in as well.</p>
<p>Lafalum, I don’t think there is anything equal about the relationship in question. His behavior is likely to violate the sexual harassment policies of the school. I’d like to know it and not just assume it or assert it. Assuming it does, the OP should know what she’s getting herself and her daughter into. </p>
<p>The ideal scenario is that this relationship ends of its own accord over the summer and she can then report him with probably little consequence. I think the general conditions are OK to pursue things generally as he’s an adjunct – but there is an awful lot we don’t know, per sopranomom’s comments and mine earlier.</p>
<p>If this were my daughter, I would a) get the sexual harassment policies; and b) make a call to someone like an ombudsman at the university on a hypothetical basis (“If these were the facts of a situation, how would you handle them? What kind of actions would you take? What would cause you to take Action A (castration) versus Action B (slap on wrist)? What information would you need to take Action A?”). Depending upon what they say, I’d then go in directly. With much less problematic issues at my daughter’s and son’s schools, I was direct and forceful and I think the offending teachers generally wanted to make me go away and more or less did what I wanted. So, I’d probably intervene, but I would tread really carefully to try to ward off the potential downstream consequences. </p>
<p>I guess what oldfort is saying is that doing nothing has potentially bad downstream consequences in terms of self-respect. Sounds right to me. I wonder if OP’s daughter might also lose self-respect if Mom steps in for her rather than having her make the complaint.</p>
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<p>I agree about the currently teaching part being common sense, if he is directly grading her. But at this point the semester is over, so as long as she doesn’t enroll in any more of his classes they could continue dating.
If he is in fact just using her, she /shouldn’t/ date him, but that’s not necessarily illegal, just bad judgment and an unfortunate situation.</p>
<p>^^^
Daretorun brings up an interesting point that I have been wondering about. Why would the daughter tell her mom? Is it possible that she wants her to intervene? Even before she started seeing this guy she was describing him to mom and expressing her own misgivings about his behavior. As if she was looking for confirmation of her feeling that it was creepy. Once she started seeing him she told her mom. She had to know what the reaction would be. I’m wondering if she wants some parental intervention.</p>
<p>[url=<a href=“http://www.boston.com/news/globe/ideas/articles/2007/09/30/the_right_to_romance/]This[/url”>http://www.boston.com/news/globe/ideas/articles/2007/09/30/the_right_to_romance/]This[/url</a>] is the first thing that popped up on google for “relationships with professors.” I personally don’t think colleges should restrict any sort of relationships except for in cases where the professor is grading the student.</p>
<p>Daretorun- I have NEVER mentioned wanting to by my daughters “friend”. Where did you get that idea? I am also NOT “allowing her to screw her 34 year old professor”! Did you even read this thread?</p>