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<p>Some schools say that the prof must remove himself from the grading process or transfer the student to another section. Some schools do not prohibit a teacher from dating a student they prohibit the teacher from grading the student. The OP does need to understand what stance this particular college has written into it’s employment handbook.</p>
<p>EPTR- My daughter has always been open with my about things. No, she doesn’t tell me everything and I wouldn’t want to know everything. She asked me up front before she told me she was seeing him that she didn’t want me to overreact so she knew I wasn’t going to be happy. I just don’t believe she thought about how unhappy I was going to be and how much I was going to disapprove.</p>
<p>Oh no… I hope my daughter doesn’t decide to google this because she’ll know it’s her right off the bat!</p>
<p>BTW… He’s an instructor and not a professor. </p>
<p>I don’t know who asked but a few have asked whether or not I checked him out on ratemyprofessor. I did and yes there are quite a few “hot” responses.</p>
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<p>No, no, I’m not accusing you OP. I fully support your proactive take. I’m criticizing those who have criticized you for wanting to take action and for “snooping”. I encourage you to do be proactive, because if I were your daughter, I know in the long run, I’d trust you more/respect you more if you did.</p>
<p>well keellota, in this case, the professor IS grading the student. (or instructor, makes no difference).</p>
<p>daretorun, you may be young but you are not as naive as you may think. Your post shows more wisdom than many of the adults posting here. If I were your mom, I’d be really proud of you.</p>
<p>Agree 100% with oldfort. This bothers me on so many levels that I don’t even know where to start: Let’s begin with the guy; He is a sexual predator, simple as that. A 34 yr old guy that uses his students as his dating pool? Disgusting, and illegal. I am a retired prof and this type of behavior is against EVERY code of conduct and EVERY school, and is a ticket to unemployment.
Now the girl: Others are working hard in the class for an honest grade. Enough said there.
Next, her father needs to know if he is an equally involved parent- concealing it can only lead to further problems in the family. Since she wants to behave like an “adult”, I’d reconsider how much of her life I financed. You pay her cell phone and insurance bills, her schooling and take her on a cruise? How about expecting her to get a full time job during the summer and work during the school year? It won’t kill her (my D works two jobs while in school, carries 21 credits in a full academic and performance course load) and might make her realize how much you, as parents, do for her.
I wouldn’t hesitate a second to report this guy; he’d be history by semester’s end.</p>
<p>daretorun - thank-you for chiming in, you sound like a very level headed person.</p>
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Ah, on a lighter note, don’t worry too much about this site. Few of my friends were/are rated hot, both male and female, and I can’t imagine. Each to his own. I don’t see how or what so hot about these dear friends. Of course, not this instructor that I am talking about.</p>
<p>Mezzo- My daughter does understand how much we do for her and has always been very grateful. She has worked a part time job since she turned 15 and she’ll be working there again this summer. She asked for work study this year but didn’t get it. She also couldn’t work off campus since she wasn’t allowed a car her freshman year.
Not sure where you were going with this other than to say I should treat her like an “adult” and make her work full time?? Did I miss something?</p>
<p>Also- How does anyone know whether or not she’s not working hard in his class? Yes, she’s in a relationship with him but she has always been a great student so why would she give up now? Wouldn’t you think there would be a better chance for her to try harder in his class to try to impress him if anything? No one knows and I’ll probably never get the whole story out of her on how he was grading her. Again, she had an A last semster in English and had an A right up until mid March so it seems that she’ll probably end up with an A. Is it fair that he graded her?? NO! Not one bit but I can’t do anything about it now. Well, I can… I just don’t think it’s what is best for my daughter.</p>
<p>Please tell your husband. You are a team. You need to make this decision together. Sometimes, being a good parent is doing the thing that makes your child upset. In this case, there is a predator who needs to be stopped. He should not be allowed to seduce another of his students. That is a violation of the trust the university–and by extension–parents who send their child there–place in him.</p>
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Don’t you think it is for OP to decide?? She is certainly an adult, and can manage her relationship with her husband without CC interference.</p>
<p>Shrinkrap:
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<p>I think it is time.</p>
<p>Maybe there’s something that I missed, but it seems like needadvice faces a tough problem and has given us a bunch of facts/hunches. Posters seem to have jumped to conclusions based upon their own experiences and not the facts. </p>
<p>We don’t know the rules of the school so we don’t know for sure that he is violating them. It seems highly likely, but some sets of rules have wiggle rule in them. He shouldn’t be doing what he’s doing even without the rules, but we do not know if the fact that he is sleeping with a student he is grading is a prima facie violation of the rules. To proceed formally, she needs to find this out, but telling her it is such a violation when it may not be doesn’t help her.</p>
<p>I ask again. Do we know that he is a predator? What facts do you base this on? Or is a predator by definition any 34 year old who sleeps with any 19 year old? Any professor who sleeps with any student? I didn’t take any of the opportunities described in my post #390, but I felt more like prey than predator during that period. This guy is clearly exercising very poor judgment, very likely violating school rules, but he may or may not be a predator or a serial stalker and we don’t help the OP by demonizing (without the facts) the guy she is going to have to make decisions about.</p>
<p>We don’t know the reason that the OP doesn’t want to tell her husband. There may be a very good reason, which she hasn’t shared, but she seems like a smart person and as nngmm suggests, without more information, we can’t really advise her on that.</p>
<p>Perhaps the best advice we can give her is a sense of the tradeoffs of whether or not to proceed (and I think we have done that) and then if she wants to proceed with the school: 1) what information to get; 2) who to talk with; 3) how to have the conversation.</p>
<p>Or, even better, needadvice, what kind of advice would help you at this point?</p>
<p>I am responding to Shawbridge, not offering any more opinion or advice to OP.</p>
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<p>In this day and age, if it’s not a violation to a school, then it should be. We are not living in some sort of dark age where it is ok for a person of authority to have a sexual relationship with a subordinate.</p>
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<p>The difference between you and this professor is you used your better judgement. You upheld what the university and the students entrusted in you, you didn’t cross that line. It is no different than when our kids trust us to act on their best of interest, and when we don’t.</p>
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<p>Probably for very good reason. I never like to psycho analyze anyone on this forum, but to me this explains quite a bit.</p>
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<p>No, OP will hear what she wants to hear and do what she wants to do, after 28 pages.</p>
<p>So I’ve read all 28 pages… Ugh. The only thing that struck me is that, perhaps, the daughter is actually asking the mother to help. Most 19-year-olds don’t share details of their sex lives with their moms (at least not in my experience), and while it might be interpreted that she was seeking “approval” or “understanding”, it is equally possible that she knew this whole thing is “off” and really doesn’t know how to handle it</p>
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I don’t think she was sharing any details of her sex life. She shared the fact that she was “hanging out with” the guy. It very well could have no sex involved at all at that point.</p>
<p>To offer a ray of hope to the OP - along with more hugs - a friend of mine confessed during college that she was in a sexual relationship with a professor - and to make it worse, he was married! I am afraid that my response at the time was not at all diplomatic. I went to a different college and never knew who the guy was. Her parents never knew about it. Nevertheless, after she recovered from this experience, my friend married an appropriate husband, had children and a successful career. I think that when your daughter realizes that this is wrong, she will need good coping mechanisms and support in order to learn from the experience and go on with life in a positive manner.</p>
<p>I have not read through the whole thread but something strikes me.</p>
<p>I totally agree with oldfort that the school should already have a policy regarding fraternization of students with faculty, after all there is a fiduciary relationship. If the school does not have one, then they are opening themselves up to major legal quandary. They can be sued till they have nothing left. So I would assume that any educational institution worth its salt will have such a policy. From what I have seen, dating a person over whom you have grading or graduating authority is a strict NO NO. Remember it is not fair to the other students in the class who are not dating the professor, even if there is no sexual relationship. What if the faculty let slips out his mouth the critical exam question which others do not know or allows one student to turn in late homework and not another.</p>
<p>Second, if the College has such a policy, and the policy requires that any one in the know report such incidents right away, then the onus is on the people who know. Let us say later the relationship turns violent and the mother complains to the college. The college can rightfully ask why the incident was not reported earlier.</p>
<p>Yes, it may be a passing fad or it may develop into a healthy relationship or God forbid, it could be turn into an unhealthy relationship. And what I would really be worried about is the last one. Such things have been known to happen, especially when an authority figure, by his action, has already taken advantage of someone under them and vulnerable (a 34 year old and 19 year old). And if this guy does not think he is an authority figure, I am surprised on how he became a faculty.</p>