<p>I have that kind of a relationship with my mom, too, and she does with my grandmother as well. I have never had any problems being independent, some kids actually do manage to be good friends with their parents in addition to their parent-child relationship. I would doubt that this relationship would be the only sign if all she wanted was to break away.</p>
<p>I am a college senior myself, and I don’t object to the snooping or the desire to intervene. Now it would be beyond inappropriate because I am an adult and I act like one, but earlier in college this was not the case and I really still needed a parent, and I didn’t have one-- my parents stop getting involved in these kinds of things past like, age 15. Kids that age are at a point where they think they are adults and they think they can do whatever they want and nothing bad will happen, and sometimes they need a reality check. I am not a parent so I don’t know what specifically to tell you to do, but I don’t think you’re making a mistake in wanting to do something. Just be careful that you don’t drive her closer to him. She is very vulnerable to him and you don’t want him to turn her against you.</p>
<p>calimami, the reason I pointed out the job title is because I am sure he is using the title “Professor” as a way to present himself as an accomplished older man with an important position. No offense to the adjuncts out there–I used to be one–but this guy is a lowly-paid temp headed for middle age without a permanent job. Few college freshman understand the organization of a university department.</p>
<p>I googled around and found on one large private college’s site:</p>
<p>"Amorous, romantic or sexual relationships (“amorous relationships”) between members of the University community, where one of the parties has academic, supervisory, administrative or other authority over a subordinate (junior) party are highly problematic, even when entirely consensual. The amorous relationship may create, or be perceived as creating a conflict of interest that undermines the objectivity of evaluations.
3. Policy
Members of the University community are strongly discouraged from entering into amorous relationships with persons over whom they have evaluative authority. Supervisors who engage in an amorous relationship must take whatever steps are necessary to ensure that they do not simultaneously have evaluative authority and an amorous relationship in a way that does not disadvantage the subordinate (junior) party.
4. Procedures
Such steps may include, for example, withdrawing from a position as thesis advisor or teaching assistant supervisor. These steps should be taken in a way that does not disadvantage the junior party. If an amorous relationship develops with a subordinate / junior party (student) the supervisor/senior party (teaching assistant) must report the situation to the relevant program director, department chair, or dean, who will act to determine the best means of resolving potential conflicts and shall maintain the confidentiality of the information.</p>
<p>A party who engages in amorous relationships without reporting such a relationship may be subject to disciplinary action under applicable university policies and procedures."</p>
<p>Have you reviewed your D’s college’s web site to see if they have posted policies? Even if you are not ready to report it, call the dean of students and ask what the policy is, as you have a concern as the parent of a freshman.</p>
<p>If their policy requires the prof to DISCLOSE all relationships with students, I’d be willing to bet he hasn’t.</p>
<p>I’d ask if I could report your concerns in confidence.</p>
<p>paperplane, I missed your post. The two girls in her class met him at a happy hour because they have fake id’s. My daughter called him out on it and he claims he met them there and didn’t buy them a drink. He claims it was innocent and she hasn’t heard anything else from anyone in the class getting together with him.</p>
<p>And in fact I would bet that this guy justifies his behavior by rationalizing that his relatively low pay and low professional status within the department entitle him to perks.</p>
<p>Well, having been a young woman (a while ago!) who was always being stared at and prowled around by men, I can say that this story really gives me the creeps. Sounds like a predator. She sounds naive and exhilarated at the same time. I just hope she doesn’t get any STD’s. </p>
<p>I had to wonder how I would feel if my son were in the same position. I would definitely want to meet the woman (while also dreading it) and assess the situation. I would be tempted to meet with the professor privately, being courteous, asking about the legality and ethics after I’d gained her trust, and asking about whether or not she has been admonished or lost jobs in the past due to dating students. I would think since the man your daughter is seeing seems to go through girls so easily, he would move on if asked those questions face to face, cornered so to speak. Why should he risk his job(s)? He has no commitment to your daughter. He may be an adjunct because he can’t get a fulltime teaching position due to the rigor with which they interview full time vs. part time staff at many colleges.</p>
<p>Having said that, I worked for a man at a junior college who made a painting of me against my wishes. It looked innocuous but the title was very lewd, and he told it represented what I was really like. It was the opposite of the truth, but even if it were true, it was extremely inappropriate and actionable. So, a couple of years later, my son got a recruiting college from the four year school he did adjunct teaching at, a Christian college. I called the department head and told him my experience, mentioning that he had been promoted at an art show as a “professor” when he was in fact an adjunct part time instructor. The dept. head said, “Don’t worry, he’ll never work here again.” And, I also called the gallery where he’d told me he had displayed the painting of me. I asked for photos or news releases about it and told them why. They didn’t release any and I felt a little better, though I had lost my job for reporting the abuse, which included lewd comments besides. </p>
<p>I think it’s better that the school know, and I agree about the part about being extremely calm, concise and nonemotional about it because if you show your panic, hurt and disgust, they will unfortunately think you’re a nut.</p>
<p>I will add that you can explain that you’re very concerned about losing your daughter’s trust when you report the guy and ask them if there is anyway you can keep your report confidential as you know there have been a series of students involved with the man and don’t want your daughter to take the brunt of any repercussions.</p>
<p>^^ you don’t think the guy in question - and OP’s daughter – will figure it out?? And of course the daughter will bear the brunt of it. He will be penalized by the school, will likely angrily inform his teenage girlfriend all about it, and she will be crushed. That it was all because of her - and her mother.</p>
<p>Now, maybe OP sees this relationship as so inappropriate that she’s willing to face her daughter’s dismay/anger/hurt. But let’s not kid ourselves. She will certainly realize her mom stepped in and “told”.</p>
<p>Hi needadvice. I cut and pasted this from the code of ethics for professors. I think its really important and maybe something you can point out to your daughter about why the relationship is inappropriate. Also, my guess is that this teacher is fully aware of the inappropriateness and has been skating along getting away with it because no one has reported him. I say report report report and let your daughter know that it was necessary because he is clearly violating the code of ethics in engaging in a relationship with a student.</p>
<p>“The integrity of the faculty-student relationship is the foundation of the Universitys
educational mission. This relationship vests considerable trust in the faculty member,
who, in turn, bears authority and accountability as mentor, educator, and evaluator.
The unequal institutional power inherent in this relationship heightens the vulnerability
of the student and the potential for coercion. The pedagogical relationship between
faculty member and student must be protected from influences or activities that can
interfere with learning consistent with the goals and ideals of the University.
Whenever a faculty member is responsible for academic supervision of a student, a
personal relationship between them of a romantic or sexual nature, even if consensual,
is inappropriate. Any such relationship jeopardizes the integrity of the educational
process.”
In this section, the term student refers</p>
<p>I am sorry to read this. It is a scary situation, but not much you can do that is effective. I was so shocked some years ago when a sweet young lady I have known for years was seeing a professor that I also knew. He has a daughter the same age as the young lady and gives private music lessons at a conservatory, and we all were in music programs at one time. For him to have an affair with a young woman whom he knew, and whose family he knows, who is a contemporary of his daughter, and he is a married man to boot is unconscionable and disreputable. But so it happened. A lot of us moms who knew the players in this were very upset. She was 19, and a college student. Of age and eligible. What can one do? Nothing. It did run its course and she was hurt terrible, having a breakdown of sorts.</p>
<p>As a mom, you just have to be there to provide shelter from the elements when things crash and so she can lick her wounds.</p>
<p>My guys are older than that now, and I have had to hold my tongue so many times at the choice of their company that i am thinking of getting my tongue pierced. They are finally exercising some filters in choosing their friends. </p>
<p>One of my sons easily makes friends with older folks, and hung around his professors socially from day one. In fact, he was immediately hanging with teachers from his high school after graduating. I was dscomfied when he was seeing a teacher at the small elementary school where he attended as well as his younger brothers. It is often uncomfortable when one has attractive, eligible (or even uneligible but available) children who are now adults. They may well be “dating” folks you know and don’t have in mind for them. I could write a book on that subject.</p>
<p>emahee: as usual, you’ve raised some very valid points. nothing wrong with kids this age being friends with their parents (hopefully–if we’ve been good parents–this is exactly the time when our kids actually do want to be friends with us).</p>
<p>and yes, they want us to protect them as well.</p>
<p>I am the parent of a soon to be 19 year old freshman daughter. The mom in me is furious about this obvious abuse of power. But I was in a similar situation when I was 18, so I have some perspective on how the daughter feels. I met a 24 year old friend of a friend when I was sixteen. He actually lived 1500 miles away, but visited several times a year. We saw each other when he was in town for two years and when I was a freshman in college, he moved down and we became a couple. My mother was livid and had several confrontations with me and my boyfriend. I remember one relatively calm conversation she had with him, where she expressed her concern that he would break my heart. I remember him saying that he did not plan on that happening, but that someone would break my heart someday. We were together for almost two years and as it turns out, my mom was right, he did break my heart. But not for the reasons she thought he would. And I don’t regret my relationship with him, I learned a lot about what I wanted in a mate and more importantly, what I did not want. I also know that my relationship with my mom suffered during the early part of our relationship and when we did break up, I did not feel comfortable going to my mom for support, I just didn’t need to hear the I told you sos. It is a slippery slope for moms and daughters, especially during young adulthood. </p>
<p>In your situation, I would agree to meet the guy and see what happens. My guess is your daughter knows she is part of a pattern, but it is a heady thing for a young girl to be involved with an older guy. She may very well get her heart broken, but it will be a lesson learned. I also would not hide this from your husband. I know that I would be fearing for the guy’s life if it were my husband, but the potential damage to your relationship with your husband is not worth it.
relationship has run it’s course, I would contact the school.</p>
<p>In the old days (1970s) when I was in college, this sort of situation was not uncommon, though it was often emotionally destructive to the students involved. Attitudes changed dramatically in the course of the 1980s and early 1990s. Nowadays almost every school has a strong “nonfraternization” policy and makes it clear that no sexual relationship between a student and a faculty member in a supervisory or grading relationship is ever appropriate or truly consensual. Institutional policies do differ in the gray areas (for instance, in cases where young faculty members are dating graduate students in other disciplines) but the case you describe is not a gray area. </p>
<p>If this were my kid, I’d call the chair of the relevant department and, if I didn’t get action, I’d send a letter to the dean of the college (of arts and sciences, engineering, whatever). Possibly I’m more inclined to intervene because I’m a faculty member myself and I think this is a gross violation of professional ethics.</p>
<p>also, its probably fairly easy to look up the code of ethics for your daughter’s school. The one above is for Cal state schools, others I notice are not as strict. some say if a prof gets into a relationship with a student the student has to drop the class or find someone else to teach the materials.</p>
<p>Betty Ford wrote in one of her memoirs about her daughter involved with someone that she and her husband felt inappropriate, also feeling the relationship was not a genuine one on the part of the guy. Instead of showing her feelings, she wanted to meet the guy, wanted to have a part in the relationship, and include the guy in family situations, etc and even suggested marriage, commitment. That sent that guy running. </p>
<p>Ask to meet the professor when you visit. Go out to dinner, include him as family, drop a hint or too about meeting with a dean with him. Make him squirm v-e-r-y nicely. Let your D feel that the relationship is inappropriate on her own. My sons knew what was right and what wasn’t but didn’t feel like facing up. Including an inappropriate person in family circles really brought it home to them a few times. But I always was very sweet about it, so there was no rebellious outlet for them.</p>
<p>About grad students, that gets to be a tough call. Some of them can be so close in age to the college student. My sons are out of college and the same age as many grad students. For them to date a college student is no big deal and most parents of the same are happy that their children are with them, so that line gets blurred. I went to a school that had a big graduate,medical component, and that kind of dating did happen a lot. It’s the professor level that was where the line was drawn. </p>
<p>Unfortunately, some people have a knack for picking inappropriate relationships and if you have a child like that… it’s one of those crosses we end up bearing. You just hope that no marriage and offspring result because that is where the true heartache starts. I have friends in that situation.</p>
<p>The problem with taking too strong of an action with that sort of thing, is that it could be your future son in law. Yeah, I know. Sounds inplausilbe. But I know of too many such cases. These fraternization rules are there to protect the university, not the students, is the problem. If it were a case of rape or assault, underage fraternization, illegal drugs, I would not hesitate an instant to report the “professor” (can’t call him what I’d like to here). Also you have a daughter involved who is an adult, and things like this can truly wreck you relationship and cause her to do something truly foolish. </p>
<p>I was in college in the '70’s and it was unusual for a prof to be fraternizing openly. In fact, I don’t know of a single case personally, though I’m sure it happened.</p>
I would doubt that this relationship would be the only sign if all she wanted was to break away.</p>