Help! I need some advice. My daughter is in a relationship with her professor!

Parents Forum
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<p>I’ve been following along and I love the “Betty Ford” approach. Meet him and make HIM uncomfortable. Cook him dinner, show him family photos, etc. Make the jerk squirm like the worm he is. I think he’ll go crawl back under his rock.</p>

<p>It is a weird conundrum in our society that a 17 year old being “pursued” by a 30 year old is considered criminal but add just a couple of years and well…it gets fuzzy. She is, unfortunately, for this situation, an adult by law. My experience tells me that the more you try to break them up, the tighter they will be.</p>

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<p>I doubt the guy will want to meet Mama and Papa. As for the “add a couple of years” it can just be a day’s difference The line is drawn at age 18 for a lot of things. They can’t have a beer legally until age 21 and they are stuck with you and you with them till age 24 for paying college costs, but they can legally go consort with whomever at age 18.</p>

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<p>I agree with those who say to let things run their course. You’ve told her how you feel. If it were my kid, I’d trust her to come to the right conclusion eventually. It would be so much better for her to figure this out on her own- a true learning experience- than for you to interfere and have her feel that her mom is trying to dictate her romantic life.( I know that’s not the case.) If you step in and stop it, she’ll know you had something to do with it, and she may always hold a soft spot for him in her heart and think," if only." This would be worse than her getting her heart broken by him. My bet is that she’ll wise up on her own.
But I’d also tell her Dad, and tell her you’re doing so because he needs to know.</p>

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<p>I am not sure I would have the nerve to do this if I were in your shoes, OP, but the first thing that came to my mind was for you to send the creep a text from your phone, let him know you are aware of the relationship adn that if he doesn’t end it immediately the next text you send will be to the head of the school (or words to that effect). I don’t know if I would tip my hand right away to let him know that you have the cellphone and credit card records, but yhou could allude to having information that would not exasctly further his academic career. And I agree with oldfort. Let him know that if he says a word to DD other than “we need to stop seeing each other”, you will take things further. Let her get through the semester, and get her grade. Then, take things further anyway and contact the head of the school (and the other schools). He is scary and needs to be removed from the teaching profession.</p>

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<p>Ssnwtlove123 has got a point. Let’s all buy a handbag!</p>

<p>EDIT: The post was deleted, but it gave me a good laugh.</p>

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<p>I would take immediate action if there was a concern that your daughter was in any danger of physical harm. Did his texts give you any reason for concern, other than the fact that he was obviously dealing a load of BS to your daughter? Otherwise, I would let it play out the rest of the semester and hopefully see it end when she comes home and he goes off to Europe. </p>

<p>However, as a faculty member I am very bothered by his cavalier attitude toward becoming involved with students. Yes, those rules are in place to protect the university from risk, but they protect the students too. That said, I would contact the department head and the dean after the semester ends to let them know what happened. If his behavior is indeed a pattern, then chances are someone has probably gotten wind of it before. Perhaps they have swept it under the rug in the past and may continue to do so, but I would sleep better at night. </p>

<p>As to the Betty Ford-style intervention, while I like that approach very much, I wonder if your daughter would agree to that sort of thing, especially since she knows you clearly disapprove.</p>

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<p>No, they won’t necessarily figure it out. The two of them (and the OP) are not the only ones who know. There were the two other students with fake IDs that met him at a bar and although they aren’t in a relationship with him, we don’t know that one of those girls might have had second thoughts about how creepy the guy was, and decide to report him. All someone has to report is that he is engaging in improper relationships with female students and let the school handle it from there. The OP can request discreetness with the information and not divulge anything until she’s been reassured that the source will remain confidential. Where is the OP’s daughter’s roommate? Isn’t she wondering why her roommate isn’t coming home and is spending nights out? She probably knows about it; and in fact, the OP’s daughter has probably confided in one or two friends at school. Once the information is reported, there are several people who could have the blame pinned on them. If the OP continues to remain open to meeting him, and doesn’t show any obvious hostility toward him, the daughter might never know. </p>

<p>And I agree with those who suggest you not count on the trip to Europe being a deal-breaker. Lots of relationships have withstood three-month absences from each other.</p>

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<p>This sort of things happened back in my college days. My friend felt for it and had a relationship with one professor. I know a couple of young professors kept putting out the bait for young girls. I knew not to take it because I grew up in a family with lots of players and they kind of taught me what to look out for.
OP, I would have report this professor to the college if this involves my daughter.</p>

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<p>This sort of things still happen on college campuses today, and I’ve seen it way too often. There are creepy characters among college professors just like any other professions.</p>

<p>As a parent, my heart goes out to you (OP). I understand the difficult situation you are in, and I don’t really have any advice to give. But this creep needs to be reported to the department, even if it is when after your daughter ends the relationship. I am certain that he has broken university rules on sexual harassment and creeps like him need to be fired.</p>

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<p>At a different lifestage, when I was 28 I dated a very respectable, accomplished guy, aged 45, for several months. He was a “leap” for me because unlike all my single friends, he was the first one I ever dated who was already divorced with two weekend-visiting teens. Age gap was 17 years. </p>

<p>At the moment I imagined introducing him to my dad, whom I really liked, I got almost sick to my stomach imagining the two men talking with each other. I realized my guy was closer to my dad’s age than mine. That upset me. Next, I began to notice he had…wrinkly elbows. Ewww. I broke it all off before they ever met. </p>

<p>If you end up trying the Betty Ford/invite-him approach, I wish you the same luck; that she’d ditch him on her own decision, just imagining all 4 of you together trying to socialize as two couples for a long evening meal together. The very mention of such an evening might make her feel very uncomfortable and confused. </p>

<p>Another thing you might try is to do some math with her, such that she projects forward. If this were to continue, she’d be X age when he’s X (old) age. That sometimes freaks young women out, imagining themselves catering to some guy’s old-age health needs someday. These are things you can say to her neutrally, without criticizing his personality which might be charming. La de da, the math is the math. You just happened to muse on it. </p>

<p>Has she been in any social situations with his agemate friends? That might also creep her out a bit. Different music, interests, and so on. (If he has any friends, that is). While she might find men his age suave, she really won’t identify herself or see herself fitting in with women his age. They’ll look and feel to her more like…her mother. She won’t enjoy that, I’m guessing, although she loves and likes you very much.</p>

<p>I say that with all the respect in the world for differing-age relationships among my current friends, but they met each other much older. She’s too young for this right now!! You have my sympathy. This shouldn’t be the hand you’re dealt, just having sent her off to college. :(</p>

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<p>Yeah, people always forget to Botox their elbows.</p>

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<p>I would be sorely tempted to report the guy, but in the end I’d let it run its course, as it surely will sooner rather than later. She’s going to learn a lesson from this one way or the other. If you intervene to get him fired, she’ll think the lesson is that Mom ruined a fabulous relationship, and she might be more vulnerable to the next charming creep that comes along. If you leave it be, she’ll learn to keep away from predators, and also that it’s good to heed Mom’s advice.</p>

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<p>Given that this jerk has a history of this type of behavior, you can believe that it’s hardly a secret at the colleges where he teaches. It’s likely that many of his colleagues are also aware of his behavior, because a guy this reckless and full of apparent hubris is not being particularly discreet. It also goes without saying that the gossip among the peers of the co-eds with whom he’s crossed the line is probably pretty lively. Theoretically, any number of people may have alerted the school administration of his behavior, so that when he is pressured to break it off with her, you can point out to your D that this was bound to happen sooner or later, that he was looking out for his own best interests, and that those interests ultimately precluded a relationship with her. </p>

<p>I agree with others who have said that this guy is a predator, and predators are potentially very dangerous. The prospect of pregnancy or STDs resulting from this situation would keep me up at night. If it were my D, I’d do everything in my power to protect my child, especially since she is still so terribly young and naive. Wait until the semester is over to bring the hammer down on this guy if you must, but don’t hesitate to act. We are parents. The hard stuff is in our job description.</p>

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<p>Another idea: Let it run its course. When she’s sobbing in your arms, and furious with him, gently suggest that she report him. You just happen to have the phone records!</p>

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<p>While I would normally agree with letting things run their course, and letting her learn from the heartbreak, I feel like this is different. There is a difference, in my mind, between getting involved with someone that isn’t suited for you and getting involved with a predator and not being able to see the danger. A parent has a place in getting involved in one of those situations and not the other. </p>

<p>I say this as someone that has been preyed upon by a predator. My mother knew he was trouble and didn’t even say anything to me about it, my mother STAUNCHLY believes in staying out of all relationship issues-- she let my 13 year old sister date a 17 year old, same child dated a 22 year old my mother believed to be married when she was 16. I can’t guarantee that I would have listened to her but it’s hard to look back and know that she saw danger I was too young to see for myself and she did nothing to protect me. That is why I said that sometimes young people, even if they are over eighteen, still need a parent-- because they do. There is something to be said for letting an “adult” learn the hard way, but you have no idea what situation this man is leading her into, and if she is blind enough to go along with this without seeing the danger, what WOULD it take for her to see it? That’s a scary thought to me, personally. If this were a boy her age, not in a position of authority, not in a position of power over her, who was just plain unsuited-- that heartbreak is pretty benign and a good thing to learn a lesson from, but I am not sure if this is the same. There is an element of danger here that makes this different.</p>

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<p>Paying3tuitions- I’m not sure if she has met his friends yet. It looks as if he does have a big circle of friends from looking at his pictures on Facebook. He doesn’t look his age but almost all his friends look to be in their mid 30’s. There are several pictures of him and a young girl and many of his friends are in them so he is bringing these young girls around. This girl is tagged in the picture and she’s only a year ahead of my daughter. She’s at a college in the same state that I don’t believe he teaches at only because of the distance.</p>

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<p>First, tell your husband. Absolutely. </p>

<p>Second, tell your husband you are going to d’s college for 5-6 days. Book a room at the local hotel. Tell d that you are coming to support her during these busy end-of-semester days. Meet her for breakfast or lunch or dinner each day. Meet her friends. And, yes, go to class with her. Sit in the back row. </p>

<p>Introduce yourself to the “professor” before class, so that he has to give his lecture knowing you are there (hah!). Tell him, “I have heard a lot about you.” Tell him that you are here for a visit because your family is close friends with the college President and, of course, you and your daughter are very close.</p>

<p>Your daughter may be miffed right now that you showed up, but she will always remember that mom did show up and did care. </p>

<p>(This is not that unusual. I had a college friend whose mom always came for a long visit toward the end of each semester. They had a a meal together each day, mom did laundry, and just was there for support. Mom stayed inconspicuous most of the time, but that d and her mom sure had a great relationship.)</p>

<p>So my advice is: show up.</p>

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<p>I would be tempted (and have done simiilar) to: Take a deep breath and tell your daughter though that you cannot approve of this sort of thing that is clearly against university rules, you certainly want to meet anyone who is special to your D. When visiting the college, do introduce yourself to the Prof, and tell him you know that he is special to your D and that you and your DH would like to get to know him as you do all those who are intimate and prominent in your D 's life. Set up a dinner, lunch , invitations to the house. If he is indeed serious about your D, he might accept. Otherwise, that might just end the relationship or have him scurry along. And be all sweetness to your D about this. Of course all parents want to know those who are close to their children despite the circumstance since they love and care for them so. It does put the issue out in the open where your D has to confront the fact that this is not someone integrated in her life. </p>

<p>A lot of vermin scurry under the rocks when commitments look like they are on the horizon. My husband calls me “the exterminator”.</p>

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<p>It is entirely possible that this guy could wander unrecognized through his departmental offices except by the departmental chair who hired him and one or two office workers. Part-time adjuncts often do not attend departmental meetings, they do not serve on faculty committees and many choose not to attend any departmental seminars. So, there is no reason to for me to believe that many of his colleagues, who may not consider him a colleague, are aware of his behavior. Obviously, different departments and different schools have different roles for adjuncts, and I don’t know what school this is, but without knowing details, I would lean toward assuming his behavior is NOT known, because no one is paying attention. Of course, they should be. Of course, they should be told.</p>

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<p>The guy appears to be scum, but your daughter is your daughter, so you can’t betray her trust. There is a one in a million chance that the relationship could be legitimate. My husband’s best friend in high school married our history teacher right after graduation. I tend to agree with this post:

I’d take it a step further and have her report it to all three universities. I have the feeling things will be ending shortly, so you won’t have to worry about next fall.</p>