Help! I need some advice. My daughter is in a relationship with her professor!

Parents Forum
101

<p>My sister-in-law’s sister is married to her former high school teacher. They have 5 kids and have been married for 24 years with a 24 year old son. Yeah, not much math needs to be done here. The parents were terribly upset–she was a minor when the relationship started. He is now a school principal. </p>

<p>Family relationships were terrible even without having reported the situation. The parents lost the early childhood years of 4 out of the 5 children due to that. They still are not close, but life is short and family is family.</p>

102

<p>This is an inappropriate relationship , not because of age differential but because of the supervisory / subordinate dynamic that exists between Professor / student.
In corporate America any Supervisor / employee relationship could be grounds for dismissal regardless of age because of inherent Sexual Harassment issues , real or imagined. </p>

<p>I would report it to the school , don’t even consider the Professor’s consequences. He opened the door with his reckless decision.</p>

<p>The other issue to consider is how would you feel if your 19 year daughter was having a relationship with a 34 year old man that was a fellow student or someone she met in another situation, that would be a conundrum.</p>

103

<p>If the OP’s daughter hadn’t talked about him being ‘creepy’ and his flirting/drinking with/inappropriate/unprofessional behavior prior to getting into the relationship–I’d be more willing to entertain the scenario that they have truly fallen in love.</p>

<p>The fact that he is HER PROFESSOR–grading her work! Hitting on her when she’s emailing for feedback…no, this does not sound like a love relationship.</p>

<p>And I know, stranger things have happened. But, nonetheless, the fact is, this guy is 15-16 years older than these young women; he’s in a position of authority; he is almost certainly violating rules of ethics. If he really cared about this girl he would not be putting her in this situation. </p>

<p>I would report him. Honestly, I would. He can learn to follow rules of professional behavior.</p>

<p>As far as whether I would make it a throw-down confrontation w/ if it were my D…probably not. I would personally report it in confidence. If the authorities at the University are informed of this, they can investigate as they choose. It may not be the first complaint.</p>

<p>The idea of calling him is tempting, though–calling and saying you were just reading the university’s policy on relationships between profs/students, and asking if he recalls reading it.</p>

<p>The whole “they had fake IDs” is such crap…I think this guy sounds like a real loser!</p>

<p>With it being so late in the school year, I’d probably wait til the end.
Good luck, what a situation.</p>

104

<p>Speaking as a college Dean myself, I would very much want to know about this guy’s behavior so that I could make sure that it never happens to another young woman. I can appreciate not wanting to violate a daughter’s trust, which makes this a tough decision. I can guarantee you though, that there is not a college on the Continent that does not have ethics policies forbidding such behavior.</p>

<p>I am sorry to say that we had just such a scenario recently, including sexual activity in the faculty member’s office! It all came to light when the student’s husband (!!!) violently confronted the faculty member. And, as others have noted, this is where the problem occurs. Too many students and faculty decide to honor some bizarre code of silence regarding predatory behavior between a teacher and a student. As a result, this behavior goes on way too long before the teacher is ‘outed’.</p>

<p>I can’t speak for all college administrators, but if a student’s mother made such an allegation, and requested anonymity, I would honor that request. I would claim that I heard about the relationship from some other source, such as another faculty member or another student. If he was an adjunct faculty member, then we would replace him mid-class, and that would be end of that. I don’t care if they truly are in love, it is still unequivocally wrong and unacceptable.</p>

<p>I once had a grad student TA come to me to tell me that he had feelings for a student in his class. This is more common, as the age difference between the two could only be a few years. I told him that it was totally unacceptable to have a relationship with student who was in his class. Once the class was over and the grades were in, a relationship might be OK, as long as it was clear that she could never be in one of his classes in the future. That is what this English instructor should have done if he was truly in love with your daughter.</p>

<p>One last suggestion: ask your daughter to watch the next couple of of episodes of the NBC TV show, “Friday Night Lights”. The protagonist’s daughter, Julie, has gone off to college and is about to become sexually involved with her TA, who, it turns out, is married. Needless to say, it ends very badly. The wife confronts Julie in a public place, she ends up being shunned by the other students and runs back home in the middle of the Semester. Perhaps it could be a cautionary tale.</p>

105

<p>I’ve given a lot of thought to this thread, as often what we recommend and what we would do if we were in your shoes differ. I like the idea of reporting to an administrator in confidence, or, perhaps even better, have a friend call so that it cant get traced back to you. All they have to say is that they are a concerned friend and wanted to know what the school’s policy was about faculty/student relationships. They can say that they are aware this faculty member has been communicating with several students about non-academic issues and at what may be excessive contacts and at inappropriate times , seeing them socially, etc. They might not be willing to pursue if the friend is not willing to give too much information, but hopefuly they would at least call the guy in and see what he says. Hopefully that would shake him up and would get him to firm up his boundaries a bit. If it continues, you can address that later. You will have your daughter at home for several months this summer. Lots of time to talk. But do tell your husband. He has a right to know. He would be rightfully angry if you kept this from him.</p>

106

<p>What is it about English professors? My roommate freshman year got herpes from hers.</p>

107

<p>Listen to Alf and good luck.</p>

108

<p>Say you report it anonymously. What’s going to happen? He’ll be called in by the Dean, who may or may not fire him. (You better hope it’s a firing, not a stern reprimanding.)
He loses his job AND breaks up with your daughter. Who is your daughter going to blame? Don’t you think she’ll suspect you of making the call? Chances are you’ve already mentioned the fact that the school would be very upset with this guy, if they knew. You’ll be the one blamed for ending the relationship.</p>

109

<p>Some of you are giving canned, one-size-fits-all advice as if it were just a 19 YO daughter and a 34 YO guy. </p>

<p>And does anyone really need to research the U’s policies to know this is wrong? </p>

<p>Some of you have quite a talent for over thinking things :-). </p>

<p>She’s in his class. That is all you need to know about wheather it is right or wrong. As ALF and others pointed out all they had to do was wait until the end of the session and then get to know each other. Instead, according to the OP, she is already spending the night at his house! </p>

<p>I guess for milk and cookies? </p>

<p>Is that how one gets extra credit nowadays? </p>

<p>I can understand not wanting to upset or alienate the D. Fair enough. So, you suggest keeping the H in the dark and waiting and hoping for the best? Wow. There are plenty of bad things that could happen that may not have happened yet. I didn’t want to mention STD’s but since others did I will. And she could get preggo. That isn’t ideal at 19 but what the heck wait for summer and just hope for the best. </p>

<p>If I was the H and I wasn’t told, yes, I’d be very upset. </p>

<p>By keeping the H in the dark you are aiding and abbetting a rela you KNOW in your heart is wrong. That just adds to the wrongness of this, IMHO. Like I said, you might as well just book him a hotel room and dinner researvations and tell him to have fun. </p>

<p>I’m not sure what to make of all the advice about driving up there and sitting in the class just so you can meet him after class and say provacative things to him. or calling him and saying anything civil. Are you kidding with this stuff? As if THAT won’t offend the D! I mean, you are kidding with this, right? </p>

<p>I guess you could also friend him on Facebook. </p>

<p>You could him a telegram. </p>

<p>Smoke signals? </p>

<p>Hand gestures? </p>

<p>You know what to do. She is your D. My goodness.</p>

110

<p>I understand it is wrong, but unfortunately, reporting it can have horrible repercussions. Had my SIL’s family reported the relationship, their D’s soon to be and now husband would have not just been out of a job, but likely a career, and it’s been tough enough already. Also relationships were strained enough. </p>

<p>I know of too many relationships that turned out permanent that had bad starts. Sometimes you have to weigh those repercussions and they are personally not worth it even if it cuts short a situation. If the guy is a true predator, he’ll just continue with his nastiness elsewhere anyways. Also putting him in a martyrs’ role in the eye of his “beloved” can push that relationship. There are times it just isn’t worth it and each person has to make that decision. </p>

<p>Also, Alf, though you may swear you won’t tell the source, if it comes down to a stand down, you may have to do so. And there are those who will tell. I am not a fan of people who don’t want their identities divulged but have a tale to tell, unless there are truly dire circumstances and even then, if I have to promise not to tell to get out the situation, if if is dire enough, I’d have to break my word. Push comes to shove sometimes and you really can’t protect anonymous sources when that happens. I’ve known some pretty bad consequences in whistle blowing and reports when the word has to get out. I wouldn’t trust anyone who says they won’t tell. How do I know you aren’t the guy’s best friend, for instance? Of course as a university official you would want to know. You have to want to know or say you want to know, but you really can’t guarantee protection. And how much good an anonymous tattle will do, I don’t know. It shouldn’t do much or people can get vengeance with a phone call or note for things with no accountability. </p>

<p>As for telling DH, it all depends on what sort of person he is. If he’s bipolar, for instance, maybe not a good idea. If he already has an assault case on his record, the same. You gotta use your judgment on these things and take the case individually because the system just has no regard for individuals once the ball gets rolling. I’ve seen many people hurt terribly for a long time for doing the “right” thing that really was not even that important, lasting, or serious. Pick your battles carefully.</p>

<p>ACCecil, the creep could end up being your SIL and the father of your kids. My best friend is going through a situation not quite like this but with similar overtones right now with her first grandchild arriving in June. She wishes so much she did not do the right thing a few times because then maybe she’d get to meet him before he walks or is in school.</p>

111

<p>I understand not wanting to overstep, the daughter is technically an adult and I would normally not intervene, except in the case of abuse. I see this as a case of abuse. He is abusing his position. She is love-struck and not likely to listen to Mama right now. But him–he should be called out for this. I’d do it anonymously, knowing there’s a risk D will find out and get mad. Whatever. I’d rather risk having daughter suspect/get mad/find out I reported it–than not do anything.</p>

<p>ACCecil is right–he is not behaving in a professional manner. He is being a preditor, in my opinion.</p>

<p>If he was the health-service psychologist, and she visited for counseling, and then they started dating–would that be okay? NO. It is not okay in this case, either. She is his STUDENT. She should not be having any sort of romantic relationship with him. However, she is young, and he is manipulating her into thinking it’s ‘love’–he is the one in the position of authority. He is abusing that authority.</p>

<p>He is too old to get off scott-free. He knows better.</p>

112

<p>Cpt, would you feel the same if the guy in question was the principal of a high school? Who flirted/courted an 18 year old senior at school, then waited til after grad to consummate the relationship?</p>

<p>That happened in a nearby school district. He discarded her after tiring of the romance (or maybe after being confronted by girl’s parents? Not sure).</p>

<p>In either case, he lost his job. They tried pursuing other charges but since she was 18 and no longer his student at the school, that didn’t go anywhere. But, it was clearly abusive and wrong.</p>

<p>I don’t see this as all that different. What if her parents had just ‘gone along’ with it, in case they decided to marry and have kids? He’d still be working at the HS, grooming pretty seniors to be his next love interest.</p>

113

<p>Whatever the OP chooses to do is her decision since she has to live with the consequences and fall out. She should know what the possibilities are in each direction and be prepared for the worst. I have reported many things, almost always identifying myself but do not rule out anonymous reports. But given the facts on this one and what I have seen in these cases, for right now, I would not report. I think the down side is worse to do so.</p>

<p>If the student were a minor, I would do so, and take the consequences, because of the vestige of control I would have over the child. And, yes, I would do the same if the person were the principal of a high school. My brother’s BIL through marriage is the principal of a prestigious high school and he impregnated a 17 year old, now his wife, 25 years ago. He’s 20 years older than she is. The parents did not report it but raised a stink and even then paid a dear price in terms of missing out of family. They will tell you unequivocally to let it go, given their experience. Maybe this guy is grooming other seniors to this day even 5 kids later. </p>

<p>As for being 18, if the relationship occurred while a minor, criminal charges would still stick. But these things are difficult to bring to trial and even more difficult to get a conviction. You can get the guy fired if you have the proof at best, most of the time.</p>

114

<p>No one is suggesting that the relationship is appropriate. But I hope that the OP takes careful consideration of the points made by cptofthehouse. You can not un-ring a bell. The whole thing will likely blow over on its own. At that point, I would urge the daughter, not the mother, to report the instructor to his dean. If the relationship does not end, then MAYBE it’s “real” in which case it would be tragic for this family to lose the connection with their only child, and potential future grandchildren–a likely scenario if the OP goes to war over this. So, yes, pick your battles carefully.</p>

115

<p>I have hesitated to post, but now that ALF has ruined the next two weeks of Friday Night Lights for me, I’ll jump in. ;)</p>

<p>I agree with ALF. Report him, ask for anonymity. However, I would wait the three weeks until the end of the semester. The most important thing is that he doesn’t get rehired there and continue to abuse his power with, yes, technically adult, but still-naive, coeds. Also, waiting a few weeks will get the suspicion off you should your dd try to pin it on you. The guy sounds indiscreet; any number of people could have turned the creep in.</p>

<p>I’d tell her dad. Who do you think you’re protecting by not telling him? If your dd thinks this relationship is OK, then why would she hide it from her dad?</p>

<p>I also was a 19yo dating a much-older man. If your dd were dating any ol’ older man, then I’d say stay out of it. But this guy is abusing his position. If I found out he were sleeping with any student, I wouldn’t think twice about turning him in. The fact that it’s your dd makes things more complicated for you, personally, but you still know it’s wrong and so shouldn’t hesitate to turn the creep in.</p>

<p>Reminds me of the character in “Moonstruck.” Pathetic guy who works his way through the Flavor of the Month, who sees him as worldy. Ick.</p>

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<p>cpt,</p>

<p>Is your advice based on your own personal experience of a teacher student rela working? I am sure you posted that but this thread is long. </p>

<p>Well, be careful of anecdotal information. </p>

<p>Obviously, just because a FEW teacher-student relationships work out doesn’t mean MOST of them do. MOST of them do not. This one is off to the rockiest of starts. </p>

<p>I have refrained from calling him a “predator” because I don’t know that. I’d guess he likes her well enough. But what he really likes, and I hate to be blunt, are the sleepovers with 19 YO coeds. Speaking from a guy’s perspective, yeah, that can get one’s attention. </p>

<p>I am in my 18 year of being a classroom teacher at a college. I know full well the temptations that can happen. I value my job and I do not want to play games with young girls that might think I am interesting in class but probably wouldn’t in any other scenario. </p>

<p>I’m also a parent so I respect that the pretty co-ed in the front row is someone’s daughter. I can’t just dismiss that fact. </p>

<p>cpt, you say that reporting it can have horrible repercussions. Like what? The teacher will get in trouble. Is that a horrible repercussion for a teacher who has sleepovers with his students? The D might get mad at the mom. She might not. Especially if the mom gives the D an opportunity to end it first. The D might also greatly appreciate the mom’s actions. </p>

<p>Why let the D walk into the land mine and then yell, “look out for the land mine?” I’ve never understood fear based parenting.</p>

117

<p>Again, I would support the OP if she were a friend, neighbor, anyone if she wanted to pursue the case in charges. I would just want her to know the possible consequences. You really have to look at the whole picture in some of these situations. </p>

<p>The deal breaker for me would be age. If underage, I would take the pummeling. Why? because that is my personal line that the law happens to strongly support. I had a friend, someone I liked a lot, the father of my oldest who I found out was fooling around with a minor. It just about killed me to turn him in, but I did. No child would be safe if he was willing to cross that line, I strongly felt and the law would back me up with steroids in cases like this. Had the girl or boy been 18, it’s not my business, as unsavory as the situation is. There are certain rights at that age and there is no clout any such report. Just a lot of unpleasantness. I told you about the music prof and the affair with a young woman in another post, but again the girl was of age. The outrage and hurt to me was that both men were predators to young people they knew and who trusted them, but crossing that childhood line was the dealbreaker for me. I took the hailstorm and a harsh one it was. I wish I never found out, but I would do it again, because of the enormity of the wrong. That is a rock solid line for me. So, it 's not that I am afraid of the consequences, yes, I am, but I’ll take them in the face at certain set points. Not worth it to me to tell on two adults who happen to be fraternizing in the face of work rules. Happens all of the time. There would have to be a lot more to it for me to blow the whistle in that case.</p>

118

<p>Wow. I so disagree. I can see why this guy probably has gotten the idea that the code of conduct is just a piece of paper, and the students are totally fair game!</p>

<p>Anyway, I do agree that the OP has more info/insight than any of us on a board can have–I hope she will look for some in-person support from a counselor, pastor, someone to help guide her in her actions. </p>

<p>Maybe I’m just hyper-sensitive because an older man took advantage of me when I was only a bit younger than her D…he was all sweetness and romance and promises til I tried to end it. This was in the dark ages; I was a HS senior and he was WAY older. He began threatening me on the phone if I would not continue the relationship. Somehow I got the idea that I would threaten to go to his boss (he was a big-shot at a local company) and also that I would file statutory rape charges. I never told my parents. He dropped me when I made the threat–it helped that a neighbor was a bigger shot at the company, and I said I’d go to the neighbor, specifically, and make sure the guy got fired if he didn’t leave me alone. I was 17. I never told my parents, fearing that they would have been angry that I’d had a relationship.</p>

<p>It could have turned out way worse. </p>

<p>I guess we all bring our personal experiences into advice…</p>

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<p>Many adjuncts work on semester-long contracts, period. No proof of anything is required. If they aren’t wanted back, they aren’t hired back, period. The guy would have to prove he was fired because his civil rights were violated to have any case at all, and I doubt he would want a public story about his behavior. If, as ALF suggests, he were fired before the end of the semester, the university would probably pay his salary for the rest of the semester and be glad to be rid of him.</p>

<p>I think a lot of people do not know just how tenuous many adjunct positions are. If this were a tenured, or a tenure-track, or a long-term contract research/teaching assistant professor, it would be different. But this guy is apparently a part-time adjunct. It would be easy to get rid of him.</p>

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<p>Of course I know what the likely scenario is. He’s having sex with her. It’s wrong. It’s wrong on a job basis and maybe, maybe he’ll get fired. Maybe not. Maybe he’ll deny it. Maybe she’ll deny it. Maybe he’ll push it and it has to go to court. Maybe you lose your daughter to the creep. Not just anecdotal. Happens too many times to just be anecdotal. This is not criminal. I draw the line there unless there are some very special circumstances. But I repeat, that is my opinion, and this is just a message board. There is a lot more to the story that we don’t know. And I would support the OP in her decision to fight the battle. I am just pointing out the pitfalls so she knows what they are. She knows they are there, and she is unsure whether she wants to take that path, or she would have reported the situation already. She knows her DH, and there is a reason she hasn’t told him. I would tell my DH, but there are folks I would not tell, who might just go blow the guy’s head off and escalate the whole danged thing beyond what I feel is worth it. But given the info here, I would not tell. But I would also be sweet about the situation and ask to meet someone who is so dear and intimate to my beloved daughter. I’ve chased off a lot of sleaze that way, believe me.</p>