<p>Depends, Midmo. The music prof would not be fired easily, I can tell you that and he is adjunct at two schools and has a record of this stuff. Al ot of university official know. Without knowing who is who in these things, you can’t predict anything. He could be the brother or best friend of the one who hires and fires. H could be ALF’s partner. He could be some big name person. His brother could be one of those attorneys that sues any and everything. You don’t know. You gotta look before you leap and know the scene and the players.</p>
<p>ACCecil, they could end up marrying. I know too many marriages like that. And the OP could lose her D for a long time over this if that is the case, plus have damaged SIL relationships and jobs.</p>
<p>There is a book, I have called “What do you say, my Dear?” And when your adult daughter is in a relationship with someone, what you say is, “How wonderful you met someone you care for so much, and I hope he cares for you as well. We’d like to meet him and take you both out for dinner.”</p>
<p>Another aspect that no-one has mentioned yet: </p>
<p>Freshman English is a very important class. Your daughter deserves (and you are paying for!) unbiased instruction and grading. Your daughter isn’t getting that, and neither are her classmates. </p>
<p>Irrespective of the appropriateness or inappropriateness of the relationship, she needs to go talk to the Dean and get transferred to another class immediately. </p>
<p>If she won’t notify the Dean then you should. You can say that it has come to your attention that the instructor is having an affair with a student. You needn’t specify that it is your daughter.</p>
<p>I’ll admit I have little personal experience as either victim or parent of victim. When I was a high school freshman (yes, high school), my biology teacher asked me to take a walk with him and came on to me, and I told him to get lost. After that, I was a suspicious type, and made sure to keep my distance from potential creeps. And no, I told no one, and yes, he continued and it was known. He got promoted to assistant principal at the neighboring school district. </p>
<p>But, experienced with consequences or not, everything the OP has said screams WRONG to me, not potential long-term mutually supporting relationship, not sweet but ill-fated love. If it were the last two, a mature and responsible grown man would wait until the end of the semester.</p>
<p>I would be worried for my daughter, and I would be P.O.d that a school I was paying for kept the guy on the payroll.</p>
<p>It is an interesting question and worth pursuing on a college message board imho. I am surprised everyone doesn’t agree with Alf’s course of action.</p>
<p>The “professor’s” behavior is wildly inappropriate and against university rules. No one winks at this type of behavior today. He knows exactly what he is doing and shouldn’t be surprised by the consequences. He should be let go from the university and it will be extremely easy to replace him with someone much more deserving.</p>
<p>I vote for letting the university know, in confidence, as soon as you are comfortable doing so but at least as soon as the term ends.</p>
<p>I might think differently (1) if your daughter had pursued him (2) kept the relationship private from both you and her father until she decided it was going to be long term and serious and/or (3) in any way dealt maturely with the issues of becoming involved with her teacher.</p>
<p>In any case, he should not be teaching college and no one should feel sorry for him when he isn’t able to get another job. This is the foreseeable consequence of such behavior.</p>
<p>You just explained perfectly why the ostrage sticks it’s tiny little bird brained head in the sand at the first sign of trouble. </p>
<p>Because if the ostrage sticks it’s head in the sand all the bad things out there that could be and might be will magically go away. </p>
<p>We all should be afraid of the power an adjunct teacher has over the school. The adjunct is above reproach. By the way, what do you think is going to happen once the sleep overs stop? You know, next session when he’s too busy and she has other classes? </p>
<p>Fear is not a real good approach to parenting or making decisions. I once, when I was about 8, heard my baby sitter say, a lovely large European woman who read to me and opened my mind to the world, that the burner on the stove was hot when it was red so keep my hand away from it. I plopped my hand right on top of it and I learned real quick never to do that again. I know your advice is well intentioned and that we all can play the “might happen” and “could be” game all day and night. </p>
<p>Don’t over think it OP. </p>
<p>You are probably worried and losing sleep about this. </p>
<p>I think you know what to do. Do it. Tell the H. Don’t be worried about losing your D to some guy she just met. Use common sense and best of luck to you.</p>
<p>Mihcal1, if you walked into my office and made a statement like that, you had better have some more information. What the heck am I supposed to do with just that? The first thing I would do if you just walked back out is call in the guy and tell him what happened. The first person I would investigate would be your daughter if I could identify her as such, otherwise, what to do? I’m not a detective. People do have rights when accused of things. I’ve heard accusations and rumors of these things that are unproven and/or untrue. I’d have to have some strong evidence or sit and look for it before doing much of anything. The Dean of schools is often not just some impersonal guard of the professors either. He could be anyone, including the guy’s best friend.</p>
<p>I’m not urging the OP to do or not to do anything. She is living this and will have to live the consequence. She doesn’t have her head in the sand. She doesn’t have to put her head there. But she doesn’t have to pick a fight if she doesn’t feel like it either. I am just urging her to think out the possible consequences.</p>
<p>No one ever wants to see their kid hurt. But can we all please take the time to remember when we were 19 and we made daring, thrilling, crazy decisions that sometimes ended well and sometimes ended poorly? Would you have wanted your mom (or dad) to step in? </p>
<p>I found it interesting that someone called taking a step back “parenting out of fear,” because another poster said “take a step back, you don’t want to ruin your relationship with your daughter.” </p>
<p>I don’t think this is parenting out of fear. It’s resisting the urge to constantly make decisions for your child. And if you report him, you are making the decision for her. if she were under the age of 18, this would be a totally different discussion. But as other posters have said, issues between teachers/professors and kids over the age of 18 basically end up being a case of he’ll lose his job and they stay together and her relationships with her family is soured or they break up and her relationship with her family is soured.</p>
<p>But don’t not do it because you’re afraid your relationship with your daughter will be soured. Don’t do it because you need to have faith in her and be there to support her and love her and support her decisions, no matter how bad you think they are.</p>
<p>Talk to her. Tell her your concerns. tell her you are worried that it will end badly but also say that if it does, you’ll be there to hug her and comfort her. And if, for some bizarre reason he ends up being the love of her life, then be supportive as well.</p>
<p>It’s frustrating that we no longer have control over our kids lives and yes, it’s creepy and ridiculous that this professor (is he a full prof or a TA?) is dallying with his students. It’s not appropriate. But I think your daughter, another student or his peers need to report him, not you.</p>
<p>And so, 3 years later, when some spurned student finally does report him everyone looks around at all the victims and says, “why didn’t someone report him sooner!” </p>
<p>And everyone just looks down at their shoes. </p>
<p>This reminds me of the stories of people in NYC getting mugged in broad daylight in front of numerous witnesses and no one doing anything to help. Later, when asked why no one acted, the witnesses all had various good reasons. </p>
<p>I’m all out of common sense today. Bless you all. Don’t do anything. Just stick your head right in the sand. The ostrage is far brighter than I realized. </p>
<p>Finals are over for the day. </p>
<p>I am off to eat lunch and enjoy some FL sunshine.</p>
<p>cptofthehouse, I used to sit on the student honor board at my university, which dealt with complaints of this nature. The first thing one does is to move someone else into a supervisory/grading position (to protect both the student and the faculty member). Sometimes this is done by moving the student to another section, and sometimes it is done by adding a grader/auditor to the class or project. Then one investigates, but quietly (in case there is no basis to the complaint). If the complaint is substantiated with evidence, only then would action be taken against the faculty member.</p>
<p>ALF, is that how things work in your institution?</p>
<p>The OP’s daughter should ask to be moved to a different class now, while she is in good standing. Say she waits and the relationship goes sour and he gives her a bad grade – if she complains then, it will appear much more suspicious to the admin. </p>
<p>A prof who is consorting with a student is being unfair not just to that one student but to all the other students in the class, too. Any student in the class would within her rights to demand a transfer.</p>
<p>Wow so far in this thread this situation has been compared to a two year old getting sand thrown in his/her face, muggings on the street in NYC, an 8 year old putting his hand on a hot stove (were all these AACecil, I haven’t kept track?), and a 17 year old being pursued/harassed by an older man. Ironically, it’s the 17 yr old who handled her situation just like the adult that she was not: she threatened the guy with real consequences to his career, and fought him off herself. </p>
<p>The OP’s 19 year old would do well to handle her own personal life herself. With advice from her folks if she wishes. And hugs and ice cream from mom when/if the jerk breaks her heart.</p>
<p>just added quote from above:
The OP’s daughter should ask to be moved to a different class</p>
<p>I’ve read this entire thread. There are good reasons for various courses of action. But it seems to me that there are two things here that have to be the major considerations:</p>
<p>A) Preserving your relationship with your daughter.
B) If the guy is the predator he appears to be, preventing him from continuing to act in this way.</p>
<p>As someone said upthread, </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>My thought is that if you go to the administration while the affair is ongoing, you are in danger of creating a Romeo and Juliet situation, in her mind at least. She will never see him for what he is. She NEEDS to understand the inappropriateness of his behavior, even if it is in the short term painful for her. She would best realize that if she saw him break up with her and take up with next year’s model. But unfortunately that would be irresponsible because it puts another girl at risk.</p>
<p>Therefore I would think about waiting as long as possible, in hopes that the break-up will come during the summer. If it doesn’t, you’ll need to consider whether you should act before a new term starts, or whether you should wait for the breakup. There is also the possibility, of course, that he has a number of girls on the string. After all, he does work at several campuses.</p>
<p>It may be that your D will come to her senses on her own, and agree to go to the administration with you. One can only hope.</p>
<p>As to whether you should tell your H…I think that keeping secrets of this magnitude is a dangerous precedent in a marriage. But only you know your H and your D and their relationship. If you are going to tell him, I would do so before your D gets home for the summer, so that he can have time to get his initial reaction out of the way and compose himself.</p>
<p>This is a tough situation.</p>
<p>BTW, it’s “ostrich,” not “ostrage.” I hope you are not an English professor. :)</p>
<p>Hi,
I do not feel that I have the right to offer you advice, as you know your daughter best, as well as in what ways your actions (or lack of them) will impact your relationship with her.
I would, however, suggest one thing: talk to your husband about that. Can you imagine his reaction when he finds out (and most likely he will… be it tomorrow or in 10 years). More so, he might be able to offer some insight (he probably knows his daughter well), support (you shouldn’t go through this tough time on your own - we all need a support system), and… he really has the right to know…
Finally, I’m sending you a virtual hug - hang in there. It must be very hard on you.</p>
<p>This really stood out to me. What kind of a 34 year old is interested in a 19 year old? A mature, reasonable, ethical one? Please. This guy is trouble start to finish.</p>
<p>I’m ashamed to say that a cousin-by-marriage (now no longer a cousin via divorce) was a professor who had an affair with a much younger student. Let me tell you, the dating part was the least of it, by the end of the “affair” he’d been arrested for possession of narcotics and the young woman had dropped out of the university. </p>
<p>Personally, I’m not paying to provide professors with dates. If my kid would not go to the Dean, I would.</p>
<p>The professor is a predator. Dating between students and professors is uncommon but hardly unheard of. But where I teach there is one clear line: profs should not be having a romantic relationship with a student who is currently enrolled in a class he is teaching. It is this element that makes this activity a form of sexual harrassment. This guy should be fired immediately. Of course it’s near the end of the semester and finding another teacher can be difficult, but it’s the college’s job to deal with this kind of issue. And nothing would make the lesson clearer to all than for the college to take immediate action.</p>
<p>Sending a hug to the OP. This is so difficult. The guy is a creep but the daughter is of age (legally but barely). Hoping that both the OP and her daughter come out of this with their mother daughter relationship unharmed.</p>
<p>I’ve seen the texting and chatting between male professors and female students before, but never suspected they invited them over to their house after class. Geez I really need to step up my game.</p>
<p>He may or may not be a serial student dater. She’ll probably look back at this as a mistake but at least an interesting one. I doubt there is any permanent harm. It is just as likely she was the initiator.</p>