<p>Maybe the D is doing research for her upcoming novel?</p>
<p>If it were not such a common story it might be. Here’s a clue–many young women find most guys their age dull and unsophisticated and are very attracted to somewhat older men. They also know how to attract them. Many men his age find women his age desperate to get married and/or cynical and hard.</p>
<p>Barron, it does not matter. She could stand naked it in front of him and he still should not do anything. This is why he is a professor and she is a student.</p>
<p>Two different things going on: 1) his relationship with dd, and 2) his sleazy actions.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t step in to “protect” dd because I’m sure the relationship will end eventually anyway. Probably not right after the semester ends because I’m sure he’ll string her along over summer while he’s gone. But in the meantime, I’d be reporting him to the college because of his unethical behavior. I’d prefer dd not know because I don’t want her to think my only motive was to break them up.</p>
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<p>Actually, it occurred to me that this might be the kind of guy (not really a man, IMO) who is collecting stories to include in a ‘humorous’ novel about his life as a hot college prof enjoying the bennies. I’d be worried that my daughter might end up as a character in a novel that falls into the ‘college prof’ genre.</p>
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<p>Gee, and I wonder how they got that way? :rolleyes:</p>
<p>ALF -</p>
<p>Now you just ruined my next few Friday nights. SPOILER!</p>
<p>Of course, Barron, it’s the fault of women in their 30s that a 34 year old man would “date” a woman who is one year beyond childhood. </p>
<p>By the way OP, Barron’s post is an excellent example of the kind of sleazy thinking on the part of older men that they use to “justify” their indefensible actions.</p>
<p>Wow–virtual hugs from me as well. It must be a very challenging and painful time for you. Good luck in making the choices that are best for you, your H & D!</p>
<p>I was wondering if her friends are aware of the relationship or not. If not, it would be a good opportunity to ask her why they are hiding it? Is she worried that he will get into trouble? Does she feel it is inappropriate or why couldn’t they just be open with it? Just some thoughts I have to put it on her shoulders and really think it through. She is obviously flattered by the attention of an older man. He is a predator, he has power over her since he has control of her grades for this course. Do they have a counseling center where you could ask anoymous questions?</p>
<p>Barrons: a 24 yr old guy would be old and mature to a 19 year old woman. 34 is just flippin old man old…eww</p>
<pre><code> So I think the OP and her husband should get a pat on the back for fostering a relationship with their daughter in which she feels she can tell them about this relationship. The daughter also gets points for sharing the relationship and not hiding it from her parents.
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<p>This leech will have the daughter all primed for “what her parents will say and how they will try to stop her from seeing him” so the parents have to be aware of this. The jerk will turn it into a us vs. them scenerio. All normal 19 yr olds are trying to assert their independence from their parents at this age. This will also work against the parents. </p>
<p>The good part is that she told them. The parents are within their rights to do anything they want with the information. I assume no promises were made to the daughter. They are well within their rights to call the dean of students and say “Hey, do you allow this?”</p>
<p>If the school gets rid of him it’s not the parents fault…it’s the teachers for pretending that it’s perfectly fine.</p>
<p>I would ask the school. It doesn’t get much worse than this…unless she gets pregnant.</p>
<p>I don’t know if anyone’s said this yet (I only read pages 1-4) but I would ask OP to consider her daughter’s reaction very carefully before calling the school. Is she the kind of good hearted kid who defends those she loves? Would that drive her into his arms? The last thing you want to do is have them bond over their forbidden love.</p>
<p>Do you have a trusted “other” person (aunt, cousin, clergy member) who could convey your concerns to your daughter? It sounds like you have a good relationship with your D – that’s what you want to preserve while still keeping her from harm.</p>
<p>I would report the creep at once-- just as I would report other creeps at other businesses that I was paying a lot of money to. There is no excuse for his behavior-- consorting with a student who is in his class is a black-letter ethics violation. Moreover, it’s not as if they were thrown together unexpectedly, because they by chance ended up as best man and maid of honor at a wedding and had to dance together or something like that. No, no, he pursued her with his sleazy attentions, sending iffy texts, going out drinking with underage her and her underage friends. She is not the first student victim of this slimemold, but it’s up to the OP to make sure she is the last.</p>
<p>This is not a matter of stepping in to fix the daughter’s problems; the daughter’s “relationship” with Mr. Lawsuit-Waiting-To-Happen is probably doomed, but if he wants to continue it after he is fired, he can. This is a matter of acting to stop a predator from preying on more victims.</p>
<p>OP: suppose the mother of last year’s model had found out about Mr. Sleazy. Should she have called the adminstration to report him, so he wouldn’t be around this year to take up with your daughter?</p>
<p>All I can say is–you have no clue. A-34 is not old–there are still grad students around campus at 34 and many blend right in. There is a large–as in 20-30% sized group of younger women who are at least attracted to older somewhat more mature men. It helps if you have a good job. You don’t even have to be Brad Pitt.
I am not talking about the legal aspects of this case but it certainly is an every day thing in offices, factory floors, and colleges–anywhere men and women are together enough to get to know each other a bit.</p>
<p>I would definitely want to meet creepo instructor because I suspect he’d do a lot of hemming & hawing and somehow be “unable” to meet, which may help tip off your D. I would also try to meet in a place where he will just seem VERY OLD, compared to the hot young hunky college kids and let your D see the contrast. Would ask D how creepo gets along with her friends & if they know about the relationship (if not, why).</p>
<p>Would definitely document all I could so that at the appropriate time I could present the evidence so creepo predator wouldn’t prey on others at D’s campus (tho not sure how to prevent him from preying at other Us).</p>
<p>I’m sure it’s an awful position for you to be in and wish you the best as you move forward, while maintaining as positive a relationship with D as possible. At some point, I’d wonder a bit about why she was especially vulnerable to creepo’s charms, as it sounds like he struck out with several of her classmates.</p>
<p>I admit I married a significantly older man, but I was more than a decade older than your D, finished with school and had been at my career for five years. At that point, I don’t think age is quite as significant.</p>
<p>barrons. I believe a 34 yr old man is OLD to a 19 year old woman. </p>
<p>When i was a 23 yr old grad student I got hit on by my psych prof. who was married with kids. Yeah…he was OLD…probably mid 30’s. I was creeped out plain and simple.
He even suggested I dress more to show off my figure…yeah, leech.</p>
<p>Bottom line is that he is in a position of trust and has violated it. There is NO 19 year old that is as mature as a 34 year old… be it a man or a woman. I understand that there are instances where boy meets girl, one is much older, and things work out. However, that is rarely the case. So as a parent, we are there to protect our children. IMO she is still young, naive, and vulnerable at that age and if I was her dad, I’d be in jail after I found out. I guarantee it… he’d have a few less teeth and I’d spend a couple of days in jail. Sometimes you just have to settle things the old fashioned way.</p>
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<p>Compared to 19 it is. That there are immature 34 year olds who relate better to teenagers does not change the predatory nature of this relationship.</p>
<p>Personally, I do NOT keep secrets from my spouse, especially any involving our kids. I think your H deserves to know, but don’t see that getting arrested and jailed by doing physical violence would accomplish much. Tho H threatens he would do something violent, I think using other tools can be more effective than physical violence, such as careful evidence-gathering and being ready to release it in the most effective means at the right time. I would also insist that D be transferred to another section, for HER protection.</p>
<p>A 34-year-old is nearly TWICE the age of a 19-year-old. At that stage of their lives, that is ANCIENT.</p>
<p>As an undergrad, I (age 19), I dated a grad student who was a TA (not in any field or subject I was taking); we both lived in the same upperclassmen dorm. I was 20 & he was about 23 or 24. We got along well and even flirted with marriage, but he was NOT hitting on his students and was much closer to my age than 15 years! That’s a huge chasm at the age of 19!</p>
<p>I worked for a prof in grad/law school (he was married and had a wife & child). I guess he was probably about mid-30s, but we kept our relationship professional and I would have been shocked if we crossed the line. I considered him ancient. I much preferred dating boys nearer my age where there was no power imbalance.</p>
<p>Not sure what the best answers are for the OP, as she knows her D the best. I do hope that at some point that she deems appropriate, she & D can report this creep, so he will curtail his activities and NOT date students in his classes, preferably at ALL the places where he is teaching.</p>
<p>I never kept secrets from DH until a few years ago when he had some major health issues that are exascerbated by stress and he is very type A and tends to preservate on things. I would tell him about this situation if it were my D, most likely, and I still tell him everything, but do it in more planned ways and not necessarily right away. I don’t want him to have an attack, as he has had on some on the spot stress situations that could have been avoided. Not worth it. Again, this is an individual decision based on individual circumstances. I’ve had friends with reactionary spouses and a lot of grief occurred because of that trait along with bad news or situation that could have be mitigated. As a rule, I don’t think secrets like this should be kept for any length of time because they have a way of coming to the surface and exploding at the wrong time, and a planned explosion can be less damaging.</p>