<p>I’ve learned quite a lot in my first two weeks of college and once I learned what I had previously suggested, I was happier and more satisfied with what I had been spending my time doing. I was doing what I wanted to do and not what the group of people I just found wanted to do. I no longer had to fret over the idea that I couldn’t find the girl that was talking to that one guy last night who said she would go with me. I was the girl who said she would go with me. My mom said she was proud of me which in turn made me beam with excitement. One step closer to being an adult, I guess. :)</p>
<p>I observed the “power of the open door” just this week when dropping D2 off. We propped her door during move-in, and several students stuck their heads in to say hi and chat. It is a little thing, but they provide a door stop in each room in her dorm, which makes this easy. Maybe that belongs on the CC A-Z packing list!</p>
<p>This is a very hard thing. I know my daughter will likely go through this too. I am planning to take xanax, seriously.</p>
<p>You see, my daughter went to a summer program one year. By the time she got off the plane there, she called me bawling and begging to come home. I kept telling her to give it another day or week or whatever. But she kept calling every chance she had, which meant multiple times a day. Then, about 2/3 of the way through, she met a boy and she stopped. But, in the meantime, I was so stressed, and couldn’t sleep, that I finally went to the doctor myself (I was pregnant at the time) who had me take xanax. The doctor would rather see me take a xanax than to continue not sleeping and crying and being so upset. Her calls were really upsetting me and there was nothing I could do about it.</p>
<p>(((hugs)))) I have no other advice. Ok, I didn’t really give advice. But I do think that next time, I might just not take all the calls. I might tell her to play a video game, or call a friend, or give her some other vice before she leaves.</p>
<p>My d decided before she left for college that she would be open to meeting everyone. For her, that meant asking if she could sit with a couple people at a meal, always inviting people to sit with her, going to all the dorm events, etc. She’s also always been very comfortable doing things alone, so she went to a number of different organization events by herself and met people there. I think the fact that she didn’t mind being alone made it much easier for her since there was no anxiety about getting a group of friends on campus. I know that bothers others though. </p>
<p>When I went to college, I met a girl from our floor the first day there. Her brothers told her that what she should do was walk down the hall, find a room where the door was open and she liked the music that was playing, and go in and introduce herself. The room was mine, the music was Genesis and we’re still friends.</p>
<p>^^^I agree with this. When I was helping my son arrange his room, I looked up and he was gone. He had gone all the way down the hall to introduce himself to all the people who had their doors open. I call it non-pejorative glad-handing. I could tell that he had been doing this because when we walked across campus, people where saying hi to him by name. Tell your daughter to just put herself out there once, twice or three times. There are probably other students in the same predicament. I also agree with leaving the door open, it is a gesture of openness.</p>
<p>I can relate to these stories. My graduate D had a horrendous start to college, and I had to the tearful calls and couldn’t sleep. I was thinking, as she ate ramen in her room because she had no one to eat with, that it was fine for her to quit and come home, but I never mentioned it and I don’t think she thought of it.</p>
<p>She had the awful situation of being in a quad where the other three girls knew each other and were from the same posh suburb - very different from D’s background, and they were not inclusive. In October there was one major school-wide event and she had no one to go with she asked a couple of girls down the hall if she could join them. My daughter is not the type to usually do that, but she realized she had to take the matter into her own hands, even though it was hard. They became school-long friends, and she loved school after that. Honestly, she eventually found much better friends than the girls on her hall, but that was the start to forming her circle. She had put in a transfer application to a more prestigious school when she was miserable, but by the time she was accepted she had no interest in going.</p>
<p>My D’s suggestion is always to do study abroad. That doesn’t help with freshman year, but D thought she found the closest friends of her life that way, and it has a way of changing up the social scene.</p>
<p>I am a military brat and from the school of hard knocks regarding perceived exclusion/invisibility vs. coping skills, refusing to be a victim and toughing it out by letting everything roll off your back from at least 6 months. I can tell you a hundred things about others in an hour in a crowded room of strangers and I am used to few people asking me the simple question of “where are you from”.<br>
One thing I learned is that choosing to raise our sons in one town for 20 years didn’t give them this skill set! Oops! Our town is small enough that families raised the kids as a pack till they were older and become more individualistic re how they used their time. </p>
<p>Things I told my sons, starting with dropping them off at summer college campus academic enrichment programs for the first time when they were in their early teens:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Get acquainted and comfortable with some loneliness. You may not realize it but the majority of other students are also lonely at times and do not know where they belong and are self conscious. It is normal to be lonely at times and part of adult life. Use time to yourself as a gift during a transition. You can’t possibly be intimate with people instantly or count on them, so be prepared for relationships that warm and cool and feel unsteady first year in college and have a light heart about this. Eventually you will have actual friends of the heart.</p></li>
<li><p>When your equilibrium is off kilter, you are growing and it is hard and uncomfortable. Use the example of a frustrated child passing through simple stages till they master a skill set. The squawking baby who is serene when he/she can walk. 18 year olds have never read Penelope Leach child development books and haven’t memorized Erik Erikson stages of life concepts. Short version: After periods of disequilibrium come times of peace and integration. Try to hang in the balance as gracefully as possible until you become a swan. Your smart student can grasp this concept if you explain cycling in developement</p></li>
<li><p>(This one was for my more how shall I say it? High minded son who seemed to skip Freshman Follies in college just like he skipped the most superficial fun in high school and he didn’t really join in with running about with the freshman class very happily.) Do not make the mistake of judging guys or girls by their worst moments as freshmen in college. Two years later the loudmouth has become the cheery, kind guy you enjoy, the risk taker doing stupid things at parties is the one who talked you into going abroad, the person you deemed superficial and a snob becomes a devoted doctor or minister.<br>
This message from Mom is “Stay Open Hearted” and reserve sweeping judgments. </p></li>
<li><p>Introverts are highly represented in highly academic environments. Give yourself the time to refresh and renew and go to selected group things. Do not judge extroverts for their success at well…being extroverts. Admire them. And be comfortable in your own skin. Look about you. Tons of other highly functioning introverts are around you.</p></li>
<li><p>Lastly, you don’t have to be “so good” anymore. Getting into College X involved jumping through hoops set up by well meaning adults in high school but you are no longer part of the sheep herd. You don’t have to be an officer in a club. You don’t have to take classes where you know you can make an A. You can try path A and find it awkward, dump path a and go to Path B. Everyone to the left and right of you has gifts of their own, unique and limitations as well. Explore, lighten up, cheer on your classmates, and run your own race.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Yes, Faline, excellent, your words, your advice can be applied to not just a college freshman’s life. Thanks for writing such a great post.</p>
<p>Beantown, great book title. My son has always had a quiet side. I learned when he was younger, through reading, not to label the behavior as ‘shy’. Every year till son was in high school, his teachers commented on him not talking much, altho he participated in class. I would smile, nod and say he was quiet. It’s like I had to educate them. I would say, he has friends, he just has them on a quieter level, because he did. He was always one of the brightest in the class. I will have to check the book out.</p>
<p>Faline2 - absolutely loved reading your post! I’ll be sharing your extremely sound advice with my new college student. Thanks so much.</p>
<p>The Susan Cain book was also on the summer reading list of several universities this past cycle. I hope it catches fire and onto some more lists next year. We thought of our student as an extrovert for years because of their ability to chat away with anyone anywhere. After reading Quiet, we realized that because they described all those social interactions as draining and requiring solo time to recharge, it probably meant that we had more of an introvert living in our home than we realized earlier! The book helps you realize being introverted is not just about shyness.</p>
<p>I would also recommend Sophia Dembling’s introverts corner blog on Psychology Today web. She also has book that’s basically compiled blogs. My D downloaded it and read it while abroad. Great practical tips about handling parties, etc. You can also subscribe to blog.</p>
Maybe that belongs on the CC A-Z packing list!</p>