I don’t know if this is s good idea or not, but would it help for her to have a phone session with her therapist from home? Maybe she would trust that person’s advice more than from what I assume is a new therapist. Now… it could be a bad idea (like having 2 coaches helping you with your golf swing). And maybe giving her yet another place to vent isn’t the best idea. But just putting it out there.
This is a glimpse into my future. Grateful for the tips. I will add that since she is seeing a therapist, I would start with some subtle changes like getting off the phone the minute she starts complaining. Start with on a positive note and try to keep it that way. Does that make sense? Only engage when she is positive. My PITA kid is the exact same way and I’m dreading the whining.
You are all amazing - thank you for taking the time to respond. I’ve reflected on all of these thoughtful responses and advice and recognize some mistakes I’ve been making and some new ways of thinking about the situation. I think I’ve definitley become an enabler/co-dependent, but trying to find the right balance between being available and turning my back on her knowing she has mental health issues and I don’t want thinks to turn into a crisis. I’ve resolved to listen more and try to solve less, to maintain my cool, to let her talk and try to solve her own problems. (My control freak nature makes this especially challenging!) We’ve always had a good relationship and she will confide in me but doesn’t think of me as a “buddy”, more as a safe place.
I think her situation the last few days was also exacerbated by the pressure of Halloween weekend and watching while so much is available to do, but she’s not invited anywhere and stuck alone in her room. She did send me a note to let me know that she reached out to a few people and a group to ask if anyone was going to a certain event because she was interested in going and didn’t want to go alone. I was proud of her for doing that. In the end no one invited her but she did put herself out there. Of course, thanks to social media she was able to see all the fun these same people were having 
Thanks for helping me to see this as a process and that she’s grieving. It’s so hard to see your kid suffer.
I have 2 kids. Kid #1 has graduated college already and has her first “real” job. She has a laid back type of personality. Kid #2 is the one who struggled mightily in HS and the first year of college, and she has a more high maintenance type of personality. I have always worried much more about Kid #2.
My therapist and I were talking in one session, and as a mental exercise, she challenged me to consider how I would respond to & think about Kid #2 if I treated her, in my head, more like Kid #1.
That is, to have a basic assumption that she is capable, would stumble and struggle but she’d figure out and mostly, that she’ll be okay in her own way and on her own time table. Change that narrative!
For me, this was SUPER helpful. I hadn’t even realized that I was taking it for granted that Kid #1 would be forever fine, and that I NEEDED to worry about Kid #2. I was very plugged in to her ups and downs and braced myself for the worst possible outcome, which seemed inevitable.
My therapist was also helpful in explaining why our brains often jump to preparing us for the worse, and how we don’t have to get sucked into believing it’s written in stone.
I then gave myself permission to get back to my own life. It felt, a little bit, like I was turning my back, but really, I think I was just having her occupy less space in my head. I was still sending messages of love & little updates on my life (Look! I’m a person, not just your mom!) and I had a general attitude of “You’ve got this!”
Although I never considered myself a helicopter parent (more a raised-by-wolves parent), I definitely think Kid #2 knew I worried about her, a lot. Going full confidence and giving her a lot of space to figure things out, in our case, seemed to be a big positive for both of us.
But again, she was not contacting us constantly, upset.
Hang in there!
It can feel uncomfortable to be a family member or friend’s emotional sponge, but I’m glad my daughters know they can vent to me. I’d never set up a system in which I’d only talk to them if they were expressing positive thoughts.
@Midwest67 That is really great advice. I worry constantly about Twin A. She is not driven and doesn’t reach her academic potential very often. I think I need to stop worrying and let it go b/c she picks up on that vibe and frustration.
@rosered55 Behavior modification can be tough, but when my kid is only feeding me negative information, it does help to redirect or not respond while she is in that mode. It can be toxic/stressful to only interact with negativity. Hard to explain, but it usually doesn’t take long. Twin A will complain endlessly about first world problems, blame a teacher for a grade, bring up old grudges…I have zero tolerance for that.
Rosered, this is different, when it’s a barrage of “leaning on” and not just sharing. We can take their calls, process and look for signs we need to get involved, but not foster the “glass half empty” relationship.
Mine are like midwest67’s. D1 so secure, a teflon attitude.
@Midwest67 This really resonates with me. Her younger sibling is easy going, independent and does not require as much attention/managing. Makes me wonder if it’s the chicken or the egg?! I will try the same mental exercise. Appreciate all the support - been a rough two months.
I’ve said this many times because I had to learn it the hard way: Do not go into the black hole with her. If she texts you that she’s miserable, don’t assume the worst. She shows you her worst because she knows you love her unconditionally. But you do not have to engage when her texts are making you upset. Your mental health matters, too! So don’t grill her or ask why when she says she’s feeling bad. Just acknowledge that she is, “I can see that you are feeling sad.” Period.
It sounds as if she is mourning her childhood and hasn’t yet developed the adult life that will eventually replace it. But she is on track to do so. All of the behaviors you describe are healthy.
You all give great advice. I’m thinking there’s the makings of a book – Wisdom from the parents of College Confidential – from this community.
I think it’s fine to absorb as much of our kids’ misery as we can- until we can’t. If it is getting to you, then something needs to change. (I have a kid with serious health issues so the dynamic is a little different, but still,)
This reminds me a little of the controversies over putting babies to sleep. Do you let them cry and create better sleep habits, or run to them and encourage dependence, or have them in a family bed to prevent crying altogether. Every kid is different, every family is different.
I would not beat yourself up about how you have handled things, but clearly you are now feeling distressed so you matter too.
Most of all, as we have said, this is a pretty normal situation- or so it seems- and if it starts seeming like it isn’t, then you have to pay attention.
Otherwise, it helps everyone if you have a life you enjoy, so take an art class or do come yoga or whatever you like to do. It will change the dynamic, I promise you.
I have suggested this to a dozen friends in real life and it has worked for them.
Set up a time for a daily text (maybe lunch?) and a quick phone call or email exchange- however she likes to communicate at the end of the day… and other than a longer chat on Sunday afternoon or whenever it works for your schedule THAT’s IT.
I went to college in the 1970’s and remember standing on line on Sunday night to use the dorm phone. Long distance was expensive, and nobody’s parents expected to talk to them more than once a week (and one kid on my hall’s parents were missionaries- she sent them letters which took a week or more to arrive).
This 24/7 parental availability is not a healthy thing IMHO. It robs kids of the ability to bounce back, to handle social setbacks, to self-advocate, and to modulate their behavior when an old pattern is no longer working.
Do you want to hear from her in a crisis? Absolutely. Do you need the blow by blow’s of Halloween weekend? It’s Halloween for god’s sake, not her wedding. It sounds as though she is really doing well (seriously- making friends with older kids? smart move. reaching out of her comfort zone? Fantastic) other than the real time play by plays with mom.
So cut back on the communicating, develop a stock rotation of answers: “That sounds frustrating but I know you can handle it” or “That must be aggravating” or “Gee that seems complicated but you are so good at handling complicated things” and let her start to figure it out for herself.
Like they tell you on an airplane- put on your own oxygen mask first. You are going to be depleted long before final exams roll around at this rate.
When she comes home for Thanksgiving you can have a face to face discussion about her options for next year- transfer? Get a job and take a leave of absence? Go back? But make it clear that she’ll be in charge of exploring the options and figuring out what’s going to work for her.
Stop texting and talking multiple times a day. Because it’s taking a toll on you- and because every minute she spends glued to her phone is a minute she’s NOT spending making friends, volunteering to run a coat drive for homeless kids in the community, or attending a poetry slam run by that cute guy (or girl) in her Freshman Lit class. She’s spending a LOT of time walking around campus with her eyes glued to the screen texting you. What body language does that send to a prospective buddy or friend who passes her multiple times a day???
Big hugs. You can do this and so can she.
@blossom - please have this printed on a poster. I agree and definitely needed to hear these words. I’m overly involved and have been feeling guilty that my difficult kid is going to college far away, but in my heart I know it is best. She needs to grow up.
Thank you.
First, you sound like a wonderful mother. She is lucky to have you. You are clearly patient with her and give her excellent support and advice.
With that being said please don’t take this the wrong way. I think she needs a little tough love. Any student who has a loving family and is afforded the opportunity to obtain a higher education and has their health, has a pretty amazing life. I do not think your daughter’s angst is exclusive to her - I think this is what we’ve created in today’s world. Too many people seem to have the inability to cope, to accept whatever comes their way and be self-sustaining. I think she needs to hear, “you’re darn lucky to have all that you have now suck it up, figure it outs and it’s up to YOU to make the most of things. Stop whining! Nobody wants to hear it.” Today rather than people dealing with it, they go to therapy over small things.
I know…many won’t like this. But, it’s my perspective. Our post WW II generation understood sacrifice, going without, and true hard work and grit as well as accepting their circumstance. Since then we’ve “gone soft” to put it nicely. Most of our kids have amazing lives and sometimes I think we’ve just done too much for them.
It is with attitude like this that we have so many people out there doing crazy things.
My parents went without a lot of comfort growing up, but I can assure you I had probably had just as much grit as my father when he immigrated to this country. As far as my kids, I know they worked darn hard to get into college and they often 12-16 hours a day without a lot of complaint.
While we are on previous generations’ ability to suffer in silence and able to accept whatever comes their way. It is a lot of hogwash. I can assure you they complained just as much, but they didn’t/couldn’t post on internet.
@Dancer41 , this was my life a couple of years ago. It was terrible for all of us because we knew she was miserable, but I especially took it too personally and was also very upset. Someone here on CC gave me the best advice I was given: stop trying to “help” her, and ask her what she wants to do about it. It made a big difference.
She will stop soon. You are the human garbage can, and I promise you that while she is busy complaining to you, she’s having an ok time. She has friends, which is HUGE. Meanwhile, I suggest you start selectively ignoring her. Don’t respond to every text or call. I don’t agree with the above post that suggests daily contact. Try not texting her goodnight one night. She will survive. Cut the cord, at least a little. If I could have a do-over, that’s what I would have done.
Have you thought about changing contact from phone calls and text message to emails? With email you can read at your leisure and when you are ready. Immediate response isn’t necessary. My dd and I had an agreement that I would hear from her once a day (there was a good reason for it). Emails ranged from venting to something fun she did. Some just said “still breathing” or “alive”. lol Some vents were very sound. Twice I asked if she wanted me to step in (both were with housing) and she responded yes. Quick phone calls and both resolved within 24 hours.
The high school guidance counselor once said that some kids never see beyond high school. Perhaps your dd has a bit of that and in time will see beyond that.
Sorry, but I just can’t let this go. It is a myth that earlier generations were so much more well adjusted and stable. Before there was widespread access to therapy and medications, mental health issues existed, they just went untreated. People suffered silently, or took their sadness and anger out on family and friends. They were violent. They abused and neglected their children. They lived lives that were diminished because their mental issues could not be addressed. They self medicated with drugs and alcahol and they committed suicide.
OP has been given excellent advice about stepping away and not taking all this burden onto herself, but in no way should people take away the idea that therapy is only for weeklings.
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^I agree 100% with @gallentjill. When my mom was 10, she lost her 15-year-old sister to illness (I have a similar condition and also would have died if I’d lived in the 1940s). Yeah, back then people were tough and “sucked it up.” Mom got no help and was not allowed to express her feelings. And you know what? She has suffered her entire life because of it. I am SO thankful that after the loss of my nephew, his siblings, parents, and other family members all went through therapy. Thank God we live in the 21st century, where it’s OK to ask for help!
Seeking help after a family tragedy is understandable; wallowing in sadness because you didn’t go to a Halloween party is not. The inability of many young adults to differentiate these situations is a contemporary problem. The books of Dr. Levine, among manyothers,chronicles the issue.