@roycroftmom I think you are mischaracterizing this. The issue isn’t about being invited to a Halloween party, it’s about not having close friends nearby, feeling alone, feeling left out and feeling isolated. I am not a warm and fuzzy parent, but at least I see that.
I don’t disagree that kids need to learn to roll with the punches, that things don’t always work out the way we want etc. etc. Yes, being resilient is something we should teach our children. I came here looking for advice from others who have been there on how to handle this common issue because it’s having an impact on me. Not that I owe anyone an explanation, but my daughter has dealt with more in her life than most kids will ever experience yet she moves forward. She doesn’t get special treatment because of this, but it does impact her mental health. When and how someone reaches out for help is a personal decision and it should be applauded, not ridiculed.
@roycroftmom, what might seem small to you can be a huge deal to someone else. Maybe if my nephew had gotten help over a “small” problem, he would still be here today.
I would never demean or diminish a concern that my child brought to me. OP is listening here and clearly she’s processing the options presented. Social complaints may seem trivial to some readers, but telling a kid to suck it up is harsher than we need to be.
None of us adults would like to be told to suck it up. There are kinder ways.
Venting is fine OP, but does nothing to solve the problem. Time spent venting to you could be time your student spent making friends, or getting involved in clubs. There is nothing whatsoever you can do to solve this for her., she has to do it, and xan do it It is not unkind to point this out.
Thank you CC parents. Some seriously good nuggets of wisdom-sharing.
From the second we give birth our natural tendency is to sooth, cuddle, protect, and try to the best of our ability to take away pain. That pull of that drive doesn’t completely disappear even though we know we have to do things that feel counter to that drive in order to help our kids to become independent functioning adults. When they hurt, we hurt. Fortunately, most emotional states are temporary. So, when they feel joy, we feel joy.
Interesting thread…
It takes me back, with slight discomfort, to my own experiences as a freshman.
In hindsight what I’d say is that freshman year is a transition. It’s a big step to leave the comfort of home, move to another place, and make new connections. It can be uncomfortable - but that is precisely why it is so important. Without challenges, we don’t grow.
It’s barely November of her freshman year and she expected to have really close friends? I am n the camp of asking her what you can do for her? Does she need a care package? Does she need you to visit again? She seems very whiney, s this typical?
It is the first step of adulthood, and the first of many transitions in the future. She will figure it out and adjust on her own schedule; everyone eventually does.
I told my kid before he went off to college that some aspects of any college will be bad or tough for him and some will be good, and he needs to learn to deal with it and ask for help when he needs it and focus on good things because that’s what he has to do during rest of his life. Our kid seems to be in very similar situation as OP’s kid. Where he’s at, everyone is too busy to be your buddy-buddy, and everyone’s schedule doesn’t mesh perfectly with his schedule due to different majors etc. Even his quad-mates are too busy doing their own things and spending time with their own group of people with similar majors and interests, but that has forced him to seek out different clubs and people. But he says everyone seems to be nice and chill. College is just another phase of your daughter’s life, and she should try to make the best of it and be herself. If she constantly compared to her great HS experience, she will think she’s missing out on something.
Take a longer perspective on your daughter’s journey in life and view college just as another step. What she will go through, everyone has and will go through. If she has to learn to be more appreciative of things she does have instead of focusing on things she doesn’t have, well, college will be a good place to learn.
Accept, Appreciate & Adapt. That was actually a theme of his essays which helped him get into the college of his dream and his approach to his life.
ACCEPT your environment and your situation rather than comparing it to past ones and always wishing things would be better.
APPRECIATE other people and the things and opportunities and things about your surroundings; there has to be some good things.
ADAPT by trying different things to find what you like to do.
Long time ago, I had a close friend who went to MIT. This guy told me during the summer before he went off to MIT “My goal is to get to be friend with 100 people at MIT.” I told him “Man, knowing you, you would be lucky if you could be friend with 3 people.” Well, he ended up being friend with one new kid there and lost one HS friend who got such good grades at MIT without trying that hard that he got upset at him for no reason. So he gained one friend and lost one friend. lol He was miserable at MIT because he never accepted the fact that his friend and others were just smarter than him in some things and he just studied and studied to get Bs and Cs at MIT.