Help! What else should we DO?

Parents Forum
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<p>One thing he has to remember is that to have transfer as an option, he has to do well in his classes. Many schools have GPA cutoff for transfers, anything bellow 3.0 will make transferring practically impossible. </p>

<p>He should check if he could maybe take one of the classes pass/fail. This could help make the semester a bit less stressful. He should also check when the deadline for dropping classes is, and if he truly is lost and failing one of the classes, drop it before it does any damage to his GPA.</p>

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<p>Your S should see his faculty advisor; possibly he can spread out his hard courses, take one of them over the summer, or something of the kind. Second semester freshman year is a point at which some people discover that they are not cut out for an engineering/hard science major, and some schools are more brutal than others in bringing home that realization. </p>

<p>However, if he’s determined to continue and wants to be an engineer, he should make sure he is taking advantage of all the resources the school provides. For instance, in many of these hard courses, there is typically a TA available at regular times during the week to help students work through the problem sets and review the material. When I transferred from an unselective, tiny LAC to an Ivy League school lo these many years ago, these sessions were a godsend. Not only did the material become clear with only a little more explanation, but getting ready to go to the sessions forced me to prepare intelligently and taught me how to study, something I’d never really had to do before. Unfortunately many good students who are used to excelling without trying that hard don’t even think of looking for extra help, and instead just flounder and do poorly.</p>

<p>Seeing a counselor might help, but this doesn’t sound like depression to me, since your son was in a great mood for the whole Christmas break. Instead it sounds situational, and so the situation, not your son’s mood, is what needs to be addressed.</p>

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<p>Thank you all for the thoughtful replies. I am pleasantly surprised at how much better the virtual support makes me feel. I of course am quietly freaking out on the inside…I sure don’t want to let my son in on my illogical but instinctual, gut reaction which is to get on a plane and take him some cookies, or to bring him home and feed him his favorite meals. And, his dad isn’t much help to me with this reaction: “Uh, we can’t do anything about it. He needs to suck it up and deal with it.” I know there is some truth in there but still… </p>

<p>Hannaviolet and others: I sent my son an email this morning tell him to NEVER underestimate the power of endorphins. I reminded him that even with all the changes, he is still himself and that himself has always depended physical activity to help cope with stress. I reminded him that one of the things he was really looking forward to was intramural sports and encouraged him to make the effort to find a team for winter season. Like I said though, he rarely takes the initiative to plan/organize the social stuff. In other words, if one of his friends invites him to join a team, he probably would. Getting him to follow through with that on his own is anoter story. </p>

<p>One of the main problems is that above all else he is a fisherman of the “River Runs Through It” variety. Since he was REALLY little, he has been content to sit in a boat or stand at the edge of a river and fish for HOURS whether he was catching anything or not, and whether he is with anyone or not. Even during his last/busiest semester of high school, he still found time almost every day to go fishing, even if he could only fit in an hour. (He would frequently go before school). Since he doesn’t have a car this year, that is unfortunately really not an option for him, though he did take all of his fishing gear with him just in case. </p>

<p>Gwen: as I drove my son to the airport Sunday night, I warned him that winter quarter is the hardest one every year, and even more so for freshmen. At that point though, I was only thinking about emotional/mental issues, not academic ones. </p>

<p>MyLB: Thank you. I sent him a reminder to just breath this morning and told him to just focus on one day at a time and to try not to make any rash decisions. I also reminded him that we have always trusted his judgement and still do. </p>

<p>Katwkittens: BWAAAAHHHHAAAAAAHAAAAA. That is funny. DH and I aren’t engineers, but our degrees are in math/science. We tried and tried to tell son that college science wasn’t going to be like high school science. But of course, it’s like everything else. He doesn’t realize that we do in fact know what we’re talking about until way later. He is most worried about chemisty. His last chem class was in 10th grade–it was fairly demanding. He has forgotten a lot of what he learned though. I suggested he find out if he can switch into the intro to chemistry class and return to start the required series next quarter with a better foundation. He’ll still have a very rigorous schedule, but I think the extra experience will help him cope with it better. Alternatively, he could switch into a history class (which he would love), but if he does that, he’ll face the same issue next quarter. I did suggest that option though. </p>

<p>Son’s engineering program does not really have room for a minor. ??? Too many support classes required. He really does think some of the gen. ed. requirements are interesting subjects though. </p>

<p>Old: thanks for sharing your experience. It really does help. </p>

<p>dbwes and Lovemykids: Although I know that son’s relationship may eventually fizzle out, I completely understand how important it is to him now. I don’t happen to think it is necessarily the healthiest situation for either of them, but based on the kind of person she is I would NEVER interfer. </p>

<p>Levirm: GF has a solid career goal/plan. She is going to her dream school next fall. Interestingly, this same dream school offered son full tuition. Beautiful campus, much closer to home, private school with all the support benefits that go along with that. Painful as it was for son, the school just didn’t offer a strong program in his intended major (somewhat unusual for undergrad degree) so he chose a different college. Over Christmas he wondered if he should switch majors so he could go to that school. Obviously, that is not a good reason, and I’m sure the scholarship is completely off the table, so probably not an option anyway. </p>

<p>Abasket: Son is going to see a counselor this afternoon. First visit will be short one, but I think it made son feel better when I told him they were SUPER busy this week with appointments for freshmen. I am DEFINTELY NOT the first mother of an engineering student to call there this week. :slight_smile: The sweet receptionist gave me a private little counseling session of my own this morning. :slight_smile: </p>

<p>amtc: your daughter sounds like my daughter. Lots of stuff is a crisis…for 30 minutes at least. :slight_smile: </p>

<p>happymom: Like I said earlier, I anticipated this, but I sure didn’t do a good job of preparing son apparently. I’ll check out your book recommendation. Not sure I could get son to read it, but it might offer some tidbits of wisdom for me. </p>

<p>Ararab: Thanks for the encouragement from your friends story. I know it never occured to son that anything academic would be difficult. In 10th grade son tried out a new sport one weekend. He was not good at it by Saturday at 5pm, so that was it. Not good at it, not doing it. I REALLY want to help him conquer that tendancy. </p>

<p>Aghaby…we were planning a trip there in mid Feb and GF is scheduled to go with us. I am wondering though if it might be a better idea to bring him here for a long weekend instead. It would give him something to look forward to and maybe it would shorten his quarter some. </p>

<p>Militarymom and Appaloosa: By my own incompetent diagnosis, I suffer from SAD so I am sensitive to this possibility. And, we have some family history with depression, which is why i insisted that he go to the counselor. The possibility of depression scares up a primal fear I have which is exacerbated by horrific stories in the news. I know that we are in all likelihood just talking about common college stresses here, though. </p>

<p>Mommabear: I will remind him of the weeding out phase AND adjust my own expectations about his grades, too. He is a very competitive person so I REALLY hope that if he does eventually decide to change majors, it will be because he has discovered a new passion and not because anxiety got the best of him. I am really trying to help him keep things in perspective here, but since school was always so easy for him, it is difficult for me to know the degree of academic difficulty/challenge he is really facing. </p>

<p>Thanks again everyone for the personal stories, encouragement, insight and suggestions! They are VERY much appreciated right now…</p>

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<p>You can buy inexpensive lamps that provide full-spectrum lighting that can provide some boost if SAD is a component. They sell them all over the place, including on-line at Costco.com and at office supply stores & home improvement stores. I believe even Target & similar stores, including drug stores carry them.</p>

<p>I would encourage your S not to take too heavy an academic load and take at least one course he finds “fun,” even if it might make him take a summer school course or perhaps one more semester to graduate. Engineering can be a grind, especially if your S is feeling other students may be better prepared than he is, especially with the weed-out courses. What saved our S is that he took a lot of APs & his 1st 3 semesters of engineering were all basically review–he scored all 5s but was encouraged & took all the basic math & physics all over again at the U.</p>

<p>Agree also to remind him to keep his grades up so he can keep options open. I heard S advising a friend’s S that he should attend all courses he’s interested in for the 1st 2 weeks & then drop during the drop/add period those that seem like too much work, have teachers he has difficulty understanding, or whatever, leaving him a good courseload.</p>

<p>S also didn’t take chemistry (tho it was required for his EE degree). He had taken it in HS & convinced the advisor to waive it so he never had to take college chemistry. Not sure whether that’s an option or whether he could just take chemistry for summer school, when he can devote more time & energy to it, especially if he’s worried about it.</p>

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<p>“Seeing a counselor might help, but this doesn’t sound like depression to me, since your son was in a great mood for the whole Christmas break. Instead it sounds situational, and so the situation, not your son’s mood, is what needs to be addressed.”</p>

<p>Jingle: Such wisdom! For free! And from a complete stranger! I think maybe the internet is going to replace compound interest as the most powerful force in the universe… :)</p>

<p>Though it is a concern of mine, I really don’t think S is depressed. He wants to come home, but is determined (right now) not to give up. He was up and out of the house early many mornings and he spent some time last night hanging with friends. All good signs, I think. </p>

<p>I am encouraging the counselor for 1)an objective 3rd party unemotional support person closer than the 1000 miles away that I am and 2) so that son can more fully understand that this situation is not only normal, but common, even if he didn’t see it coming. He does VERY much respect the wisdom of adults, so I think he will listen to their advice about getting more involved in recreation and pacing himself academically. </p>

<p>New mantra for myself today: “address the SITUATION, address the situation, address the situation…” </p>

<p>I’m betting the counselor will be better at that than me…</p>

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<p>No wonder you have such a great kid! You passed this on from yourself!
Many universities have subject-specific “tutoring centers” that are open every evening, staffed with grad students who can help. My daughter used to go to the chemistry center to do her problem sets or lab reports. She did not wait until she had a problem; she would just sit there and do work. Whenever she had questions, she could just ask the tutors! This was just so helpful!</p>

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<p>Scubasue - your son sounds like a great kid that may just be realizing he wants to be closer to home. Not everybody wants or does well when they move away from their friends and family. He may not be a good fit where he is right now…so, applying for transfer may be a good option for him.</p>

<p>I know of many kids this year that thought they want to go far away but are learning that they would rather be a bit closer to home so that if they want to go home easily, that they can. Quite a few are applying for transfer for next fall. One made the transfer after his first semester and is now attending his instate school for winter term.</p>

<p>I have a D in high school that was the victim of bullying in 8th. She feared going to school daily, we did everything we possibly could trying to work with the school, parents, etc but it just wouldn’t stop. We made the decision to place her in a private high school so that she could have a fresh start…once we suggested it to her, her attitude totally changed because she knew she had an “out” . She was able to finish out at her middle school and looked forward to her fresh start - she is very happy these days and back to normal.</p>

<p>I hope everything works out for him and he is able to get through the term…it sounds like he will stick it out. But having the “transfer out” option can bring releif to someone that is unhappy in their situation.</p>

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<p>weetbixmum…my apologies for not responding to your beautiful post. I read it through the first time but somehow missed it later…</p>

<p>The wisdom in your words is evident too. We cautioned our son many times this past summer that nothing was set in stone. But we did tell him that we didn’t want him to make any permanent decisions until after he finished two quarters. Given that he seemed happy during first quarter, we feel strongly that a knee jerk reaction during the first week of 2nd quarter is not a good idea. This new attitude might be permanent, or it might not. I think its best if he figures out a way to manage this quarter. </p>

<p>momofboston: I do think he feels better knowing there might be an out. I just got off the phone with the private school that offered him full tuition (and GF’s dream school), and discovered that if he resubmits an application in the next few weeks, all of the scholarship money is still available to him. I’m going to give him a couple of weeks to focus on this quarter and then I may tell him that. He wouldn’t have to decide where he is going or what he is going to do until mid summer, so I understand that keeping all options open under the circumstances is a very good idea. </p>

<p>Levirm…thanks for the kind words. I think I’ll print them off and post it on my daughters bathroom mirror. :slight_smile: :slight_smile: :)</p>

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<p>Does his campus have a system like Zipcars- short term, by the hour car rentals? Could you give him the okay to go off on a Saturday each month to get by some water and fish? Perhaps he could teach some students. My daughter’s campus has an outdoor society that will even reimburse the costs of going off into nature and the dining hall will pack food for them.</p>

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<p>

I think you should tell him that. Just knowing that he has options may change his mood and outlook.</p>

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<p>I did not read every post completely, but something else he can investigate with the heavy workload is whether he has the option of taking anything pass/no pass (or whatever his university calls it). It took a lot of pressure off my daughter when she was able to switch her chemistry class. Also, he needs to be aware of withdrawal deadlines and rules if he does want/need to drop a class later. I don’t want to come across as negative, but my own child figured all the rules out early and it did take off some pressure–clever girl.</p>

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<p>scubasue: </p>

<p>Maybe you can’t/shouldn’t jump on a plane and bake cookies for him. But you can send him a care package of his favorites. I used many of those flat rate USPS boxes for cookies during our son’s freshman year. One problem was that he was so busy with his course work, he sometimes wouldn’t pick up the box for a few days! Drove ME crazy. (In hindsight, I see that sending the cookies was at least as much for me as it was for him.)</p>

<p>FWIW, our son also had adjustments to make freshman year in his engineering program. He was not happy with his grades (what, not straight A’s?), didn’t really know how to tackle the load he carried (almost all Hard Stuff so he could take the softer courses in his semester abroad), but he stuck with it and the other years’ grades pulled his average up. He graduated in May.</p>

<p>That said, engineering is a tough slog for most students. As important: many students discover that they just don’t want to DO engineering once they understand what it is. No shame there, right?</p>

<p>As others have said, your son sounds like a great person: well grounded and wise for his age. I think you need to trust that he can handle this, one way or another. Not to say that you shouldn’t be there for him, just that maybe you can convince yourself that he will be OK, so YOU can breathe more freely.</p>

<p>~mafool</p>

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<p>Even for the brightest kid the first year the engineering major are very difficult in terms of adjustment. Your son sounds like a sweetheart, who is missing his girlfriend and home. Your suggestion to see his advisor was spot on and so was seeing a councelor. I hope he will seriously consider doing both. The only thing I would say is that if he still feels like this major is not for him than he should get out by the end of the year. The engineering program does get significantly more difficult the second year so this may be the time to really consider a change. Things like this really have a way of working out for the best. Hang tight.</p>

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<p>Nothing anyone has said here makes me suspect that OP’s son has mono. But it is good to remind oneself on occasion that our kids can get hit with it, especially if they are burning the candle on both ends.</p>

<p>I had mono in college and I can still remember acutely how astonishingly fatigued I was.</p>

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<p>I just wanted to say keep hanging in there. Both of my kids are engineering students and if I don’t get a call every semester saying they are overwhelmed and stressed, I wouldn’t know what to do!</p>

<p>Even my S the fifth year senior calls me and tells me how crazy things are, how much work he has to do, what was he thinking etc. I started a post his second semester Freshman year, I think its called Second Semester Blues and it was very helpful and had many great suggestions on it. For him, he came from a close knit group of friends in HS and college was just an adjustment factor. Additionally, he went to school much farther north than he was used to, it snows ALOT and it was really hard. Add to that a schedule very similar to your S’s and he was very overwhelmed.</p>

<p>Fast forward and now he will be graduating in May. He didn’t transfer and things got much better. He found that he needed to get out of his dorm and do some physical exercise. Idk where your S is going but maybe they just fired their football coach :wink: If so, it’s been cold and cloudy and not very nice. Cloudy, cold and lots of work after a great semester break is enough to make anyone overwhelmed. </p>

<p>I’m of the camp as long as he’s doing well in his classes that transferring is not the best thing. If he went to this school because of this particular major and if it’s the school and major I am thinking of, he is at the best place in the nation for what he wants to do. I hate to say this but relationships come and go, job happiness is so important to what you are going to do with the rest of your life. If the relationship is meant to be, it will last and if not,so be it. Of course, easy for me to say, my kids don’t date!</p>

<p>Shamelessly linking my post from 2007! Boy that was a long time ago. My S has matured and grown up so much from this post so long ago. <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/300244-second-semester-blues.html?highlight=Semester+Blues[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/300244-second-semester-blues.html?highlight=Semester+Blues&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>I also wanted to remind the OP of something she already knows–that mom typically hears the absolute worst of it. I remember a CC post on another thread a while ago about a mom whose college freshman called home miserable, mom <em>did</em> hop on a plane to go survey the situation, when she finally got to her daughter, she was laughing with friends, wondering what the heck her mother was thinking by being so concerned.</p>

<p>I only have one in college so far but I’m the one who gets the knee-jerk call/text complaining about whatever the situation is. I know he has a calmer face to <em>anybody</em> else in his life, and that life always looks a little better 12-24 hours later.</p>

<p>And one more comment on engineering being tough–I think it was the first four or so semesters that about killed me, when we were all taking the required sequence of courses. (Honestly, there was one semester that I was pulling three all nighters every week.) But once those were behind me and I got to focus on my major, life was <em>much</em> better. Obviously easier classes (for me), better grades, more sleep, . . .</p>

<p>Listen to your wonderful son. Discount his unhappiness just a bit. Be a brick wall and maintain the “I’m so sorry, honey. But you can do it.” and save your tears for after you hang up. All indications are your son will be fine. You both need to hold that thought close.</p>

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<p>Last night, D was pretty teary, saying how much she missed us and how sad that vacation was ending and she had to go back to school. I empathized and asked her if she wanted us to visit more often. She was shocked and said, “Heavens, NO!” She is just a bit sad that this special time this vacation is drawing to a close & she’s got an infection & is ending on a bit of a “down” note. She is just expressing out loud what we’re all feeling about the end of a nice time together and knowing S will be starting a job across the country on the East Coast in the near future and things are changing. She has always wanted to cherish the good times & things and has always been a bit teary watching changes (an old soul in some ways).</p>

<p>Some of your child’s feelings might be some of this as well. Adjustments are different for each kiddo. I agree with the thought that exercise helps with endorphins and mood (doesn’t even have to be very long, just frequent). Maybe if there is no fishing nearby, S might want to give meditation or yoga a try? It saved me many a time, especially during law school.</p>

<p>Having a good study group is really essential for engineering, even for my S, who never had a study group before he started college. His engineering school STRONGLY recommended it & S purchased many chairs so that I think it may have been the favored spot for their study group meetings for S & his engineering room mate.</p>

<p>I guess I should count my blessings that S never confided in us that he was having any challenges or difficulties in EE. I guess the fact that he actually participated actively in a study group shows that he was finding the work to be tough (he had until then always been very solitary).</p>

<p>I’d also suggest your S talk with his counselor about taking a slightly less challenging term so that he can regroup & boost his confidence.</p>

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<p>I think what he’s going through sounds pretty normal for this period in the school year. He just got back from a super fun break to a cold, wintery, intense semester away from the people that he loves. How would you feel? Send him a care package, tell him you love him, encourage him to stay focused on the school he’s in and to get involved and invest in on campus stuff for now. In a little while, you can re-visit transferring if that’s what he really wants, but for the time being, he shouldn’t let himself get too down.</p>

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<p>Thanks to all of you for the continued support and suggestions. We have had a roller coaster couple of days and I am busy with work (an unusually welcome distraction!)so I will post more tomorrow. </p>

<p>Son felt a little better after his first real chem lecture. Actually he said compared to the lab that totally freaked him out, the lecture was a “total cakewalk”. Both the physics and chem study sessions he went to had students from his classes and were productive. I have intentionally not communicated with him all day today, except to send him a text that said I was jealous of the weather (It is blazing sun and 65 where he is), so he knew that I was thinking about him. I don’t want to engage him in any conversation about life decisions for a few days. </p>

<p>Thankfully, GF is telling him that he needs to be where he is, that it is the best thing for his future. (See what I mean about her). Like me, she is freaking out, too, but trying to be encouraging in her communications. </p>

<p>He did send me an email saying that he was having serious 2nd thoughts about his major–that he doesn’t really know if he would like the work or if it is a good fit for his personality. That little tidbit caught me completely off guard since he was so positive when I asked him several times first quarter about red flags or concerns as he learned more about his future career. I don’t know if this attitude is a byproduct of his anxiety this past week, or if he really was thinking about this last quarter and just afraid to tell us. </p>

<p>Without discussing any of this with him, I am quiety trying to gather details about transferring in case that is what it comes to at the end of the quarter. Tommorrow I am going to try to contact our state flagship (which was also very high on his list and only a couple of hours from home and about a million dollars a year cheaper). I know some schools will keep applications/offers open for a period of time. Getting into our state’s flagship u as a transfer student is WAAAYYYY harder than getting in as a freshman (which is no cakewalk), so I am concerned about his grades, with respect to that option. He got a 3.25 1st quarter. The the mid 50% GPA for transfers is 3.2-3.7. I don’t know how much his h.s. stats would be weighed (2100SAT, 32ACT; 4.0 unweighted), but I am hoping that they would consider that, since at the end of this quarter he would only have 31 credits. He is very confident he can get B’s this quarter, but knows that if he wants to transfer later, he needs to have at least some B±A’s in the mix of grades. </p>

<p>I am afraid if he starts the transferring process, he will mentally “check out” of his current school. If he doesn’t start it soon, he may not have any options for next fall; so that is a conundrum. </p>

<p>I am putting a care package in the mail tomorrow–two comedy dvd’s. The cookies are gonna have to wait until this weekend. </p>

<p>It’s a good thing I have to work all day today or I’d go buy a 1/2 of chocolate haagen daz and take it to the bar so I could wash it down with about 3 margharitas! </p>

<p>Whew! I remember when I was worried about whether he would have anyone to sit with at lunch on the first day of school. Who knew?</p>

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<p>I think filling out transfer apps will take some pressure off by giving him options and breathing space. It will also motivate him to keep up with academics. He may decide he wants to stay if he is doing well.
HS grads often have very little understanding of their chosen “prospective major”. That is the reason that most of the top schools do not let them declare a major till the end of sophomore year (and even than many end up switching it at least once!)</p>