HEYHO. Essay YO.

<p>*Okay, so this essay must suck. Because I took exactly 25 minutes and I didn't review. I probably should not have even posted it here, but I want to know how my score would be right off the bat, just finished on 25 min mark kind of essay. *</p>

<p>Thanks guys. :)</p>

<p>Does progress reduce the number of problems in the world, or does solving old problems just lead to new ones?</p>

<p>Progress does reduce the current problems in the world, but in the long term, cause more damage and newer problems. Technology is a great example that demonstrates how progress can eventually lead to a downfall and sometimes even worse. Several popular gadgets used today helped solve old problems, but created more new problems.</p>

<p>Shown by the effects of the computers, millions of users are exercising less, staring at a bright screen more, and hurting their fingers more frequently. Hundreds of health issues arise from the constant use of personal computers. Most evident would be our health. Computers are stationary items. Therefore it cannot be used effectively if one is running around. This downside prohibits exercise and allows them to sit down more. Not only is it causing higher obseity rates, but also it is damaging eyes. Our eyes are constantly harmed whenever we stare at a bright screen for a long time. In fact, prescription glasses are increasing proportionally with the increase of computer hour usage. Our fingers are also being damaged by this popular invention. Moving fingers unnaturally fast and constantly worsens the senses, therefore wearing out hands faster than people of the previous century’s hands. The computer is a major progress to the human history. It made searching information easier, faster, and quicker, but it also created new health problems unknown to humans until the last few decades.</p>

<p>As demonstrated by nurses, doctors, and hospitals everywhere, medicine is a great benefit in changing lives. It saves millions of people, kids, and elderly everyday. But with the larger population, the demand of food is rising exponentially. If this trend continues, the earth could not sustain the population, thus creating war, starvation, and other unauspicious results. Documentarys everywhere are worrying about the population in China already. It is predicted that if the birth continues at the same rate, the entire country will go into collapse and period of instability will start. Drinking water will become so scarce, only a drop of water can be used per person daily. Medicine will not only progress into a larger population, but it also sometimes causes additions. There is a pandemic happening in America where Bath Salts were illegally used as a narcotic. In fact, such benign name was purposely called that to deceive the population. Medicine is one of the best discoveries for the population. But this beneficial item only caused more problems to the world. Thus again, progress only causes newer problems.</p>

<p>Progress is good. Progress allowed people to live longer, healthier lives. Progress helped students search for information faster. But progress also caused inevitable damage. Damage so deadly it has killed millions in obesity, diabetes, and other weight issue related diseases. Damage in millions of innocent lives because of inappropriately using it. Damage for increased world population. Demonstrated by the two technological progress of the last century, progress will, in the end, cause more damage than solutions.</p>

<p>This is a very solid essay. I have a couple of suggestions for you, though:</p>

<ul>
<li><p>My SAT tutor said that a lot of essay scorers look for certain elements in an essay. They’re most receptive to seeing historical or literary examples in your essay. That way, it proves you learned something in school and can correctly interpret it in modern thinking. </p></li>
<li><p>Now for a few tweaks. “Cause” in the first paragraph should be changed to “it causes”.</p></li>
<li><p>At the beginning of the second paragraph, don’t begin with “shown”. Also, remove the “the”. It makes it seem like your already identified those computers (which you didn’t) if you use “the” before that word. </p></li>
<li><p>The next two paragraphs look alright, and you have solid examples. However, the real problem is the concluding paragraph. I can tell you were probably rushing to finish it. “Progress is good” doesn’t really appeal to the reader’s attention. And “allowed” should be changed to “allows”. Finally, your middle three sentences (all beginning with “damage”) are a bit wordy. You could combine that into one sentence, like so: “This damaging entity has claimed many innocent lives by causing increased trends in obesity, diabetes, and other related diseases pertaining to weight.”</p></li>
</ul>

<p>All in all, it’s not a bad essay. I think you did well for someone who didn’t revise anything.</p>

<p>Thanks. I’ll definitely remember to not use shown and to include some historical examples.!</p>

<p>I like your essay. 9 or 10/12. Possibly 11 if you have a nice reader…</p>

<p>Your linking sentence could be better in that you could cite your specific examples in your last sentence of the first paragraph in order to establish a more firm stance to support your thesis. </p>

<p>Your second example could also be a bit better by transitioning more efficiently so that the message of your example is crystal clear throughout your paragraph. I got a little confused in the middle of the paragraph where you were so caught up in the dire consequences of overpopulation. Just add a phrase that links this part of the paragraph back to your topic sentence such as: “With improved medicine, more people will be able to not only survive but also live, yet in response to the overgrowth in population, drinking water will become so scarce that only a drop of water can be used per person daily.” Linking this part of your essay is important because you shift to a subtopic in your paragraph by describing the addicting medicines that hurt society so you need to solidify your stance clearly before shifting to the next part of your topic. </p>

<p>Your last paragraph is perplexing to me. It’s not something you should change but, just out of curiosity, why did you say Progress is good when in the next few sentences you say that because of progress, millions of people die and millions of people damage their lives? It seems like an paradox at best or a contradiction at worse. I’m not saying you should change anything here… I’m just curious :)</p>

<p>Like the second poster said, I was rushing completely the last paragraph. I had only 2 minutes left and I barely even thought about how to attack my conclusion paragraph</p>