High School relationship into college? Need help

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>Well, here goes. I'm heading to my first year of college in about a week and I'm in a major bind. My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half; she will be in her senior year of high school this September. We've had our ups and downs and over the course of our relationship, and I've realized that we are very different and not meant to be together. She, however, has a very needy and fragile personality, and cannot imagine being apart from me.</p>

<p>In June, I broke up with her in order to give her the summer to process everything before starting her senior year. I knew the trauma could seriously damage her, and in the process, ruin her chances of maintaining her schoolwork and getting into the colleges she has her eye on (rather selective ones). After a little while, I reluctantly agreed to get back together because she was experiencing such profound pain, but now I realize this was a mistake because I am facing the decision of what to do again. </p>

<p>She, as I have mentioned, is extremely needy and fragile. She was hospitalized (a few years before we met) for 3 months for a life-threatening bout of stress-related anorexia. This is not to say that I think anorexia is a disease of the weak. I think NOTHING of the sort, but this past of hers is compounded with the fact that she does not have a strong personality and it all makes me VERY worried about what will happen if I end our relationship before I go off to college. I've always felt that college is a time to spread one's wings and discover oneself. I don't believe being in a relationship and having your soul invested in another is particularly good for this precious time of personal growth. I wish I had stuck to my guns and given her the summer to deal with this, but now it is too late.</p>

<p>So, there are two options for me.
ONE: I can either break up with her, in which case I risk causing major damage to a person I care for extremely deeply even though I do not want a relationship with her. By major damage, I am talking about a serious possibility of an anorexic relapse, or worse since she has a depressive (and potentially suicidal) personality. In addition, there is no doubt in my mind that the hurt of ending our relationship will derail her for senior year. She is not very good at getting good grades in the happiest of times, and her motivation and academic ability are HIGHLY influenced by her mood. Breaking up with her - which I feel is the right thing for me to do for myself - will most likely seriously endanger both her health and her academic future, and I would feel awful if she were to suffer a health/academic disaster on account of something I had done. She has very definite dreams for her own college experience and I would be immeasurably torn apart if something I did meant the end of these dreams for her. Her senior year, with moderately heavy AP coursework, selective college applications (she has her sights set on Bryn Mawr), and living with difficult parents would be a terrible time to be suffering from a breakup.</p>

<p>OPTION TWO: I can stay together with her, at least for this first year of college against the advice of my older friends and my conscience. Sometimes, though, I even think that staying together in the long distance relationship setting will allow our relationship to fade gently and allow us to break it off more easily so as to avoid the trauma I know my girlfriend will experience if I dump her the night before leaving for college.</p>

<p>Is this even fair, to continue a relationship like this as a sham, simply a strategy to safely end it? Would it actually be a major sacrifice to my personal growth and discovery? Am I being selfish to want to begin my undergraduate experience as a single guy when doing so has so much harmful potential for another person? Or is it better to leave her circumstances to the wind and fully immerse myself in the $50,000-a-year journey my parents are paying (with no financial aid) for me to have? </p>

<p>Pleas, could some CC members weigh in on this? I am asking for my personal sake, but also for the many, many other college pre-freshmen who are facing similar circumstances with this tough choice to make (though the specifics will of course be different from person to person). It is sadly ironic that this dilemma is so dark and lonely, since so many people suffer from it all at the same time.</p>

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<p>I apologize for such a long post.</p>

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<p>Break up and slay.</p>

4

<p>Leave the High School drama at home. Have fun in college. If she cant handle the break up, than she shouldnt be in a relationship.</p>

5

<p>I feel your pain a lil bit. I had kinda the same situation, only my ex was already in college and a incoming sophomore in college. But man, if you're not 100% into the relationship, cut it off, NOW. It's not your fault she has emotional issues and depressive behavior. That's something she has to fix within herself. Don't stay with her for the sake of just her, then you're miserable. To be honest, you don't need to be around someone like that, it's not healthy. Now I will warn you now, if you break up with the poor girl, be prepared to hear a whole bunch of bs that is not true about you. Alot of girls do that because they're mad and want to make you feel bad at the same time. DO NOT FALL FOR THAT. Stay strong man and you'll pull through. Yes it will suck, but eventually things will work itself out. Plus I have heard that incoming college freshman who have a girlfriend/boyfriend still in high school should break up because it is too much and it keeps you from enjoying the full experience of college life as far as girls and parties go.</p>

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<p>^ true statement</p>

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<p>I would let it die slowly off in college, but don't let that hold you back at your university. Given the circumstances (you're doing this for her health, not for wanting to be committed to her), I think that's acceptable.</p>

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<p>I second dump the hoe.</p>

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<p>I think this might be the first time I've advised someone to breakup. You shouldn't be in a relationship with someone just because you don't want to cause them pain by ending it (I'd hate to find out that's why my boyfriend was with me). If you're really concerned about her mental (and by extension, academic) response, could you help to rally up some support for her? After a year and a half, you're probably reasonably close to at least one of her female friends and her parents. After breaking up, if she's taken a turn for the worse, you could try and get some of them involved. Encourage her to go to counseling if you talk to her and she's devastated. If you don't love her anymore, it isn't fair to either of you. Delaying the inevitable will only make it worse.</p>

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<p>You sound very caring. It's time to care about yourself. The first time you broke up you needed to stay strong and not go back. I know thats easy to say now, but never go back. That being said. It is her family's responsibility to take care of her not yours. Talk to her family let them handle the fallout. You are far too young to be responsible for her actions.</p>

11

<p>Break. Up. Now. How could you POSSIBLY think that stringing her along further only to have it all come crashing down horribly when you're in college is helping her?</p>

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<p>Colleging: People who chime in and say simply things like "cut the ho off" s***. Clearly you are someone with more concern and care, and that is a good thing. Kudos to you for that. What your level of empathy and concern will allow you to break up with as much grace as possible, and that is the best thing you can do. You can tell her: 1) You are going to school and it will be a time of new challenges and you will be absorbed in your new life, and so it wouldn't be fair to her or you to stay in the relationship. 2) You will always be you friend in life, someone she can reach out to for help, to remember good times you've had, etc. Having said that, it is important that both of you spend some time apart not talking to one another to put the distance. It's better if you don't talk for awhile, until both of you have moved on. [awhile should be defined as half a year or a year or more, if pressed.]</p>

<p>The fact is that her problems are much bigger than you and her. You've gotten to know her well and now you know what a bad set of problems she faces, and it is really cool that you are empathetic to her challenges in life. As I said, kudos to you. But you aren't powerful enough to overcome the things that she needs to face. All you can do is put off the inevitable, and the inevitable is that she is going to face some tough times as she does her own hard work to put her life on a good footing.</p>

<p>If she can't figure out a way to hold it together to get into college, or the college of her choice, maybe she shouldn't go to that college. It's not like life's problems cease when one leaves home, even if one leaves behind a difficult or unhappy home. She is going to have to learn how to work through her issues, and all you will do will put that off for her.</p>

<p>The best time to break it off is now, at the beginning of her year. She may be down in the dumps for a bit, but she'll have time to pull things off, if she is able to turn it around.</p>

<p>If you decide not to follow our advice, another possibility you could try is to just wait until mid-year after her apps have gone in and her grades are complete. That would be half a year, and it can actually make it easier with the ladies if you already have a girlfriend. 'Cause women are attracted to guys who are attractive to other women. So that's how the situation could work for you, if you wanted to be utilitarian as well as try to shield her in that way. Of course, if that meant you got together with someone else, you'd have to dump her potentially right in the middle of finals or applications or something. Clearly that's not ideal. I'd go with now.</p>

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<p>Jesus, I honestly feel sorry for you.</p>

<p>That entire post was one giant, guilty apology. I'll give you some advice, take it or leave it;</p>

<p>this girl's fragile psyche should not be your primary concern. Your number one concern should be your own happiness and welfare. </p>

<p>You are under no obligation to stay with someone out of some misguided notion of "protecting" them. </p>

<p>Everyone has to deal with rejection sooner or later. It's something every functional human has to learn, like death, or taxes. There's no sense in trying to either delay or stop that, as when the inevitable happens, it'll be even more painful for her. </p>

<p>And just what exactly are you accomplishing by staying with this girl? Are you going to marry her? </p>

<p>If not, you'll have to break-up eventually. </p>

<p>In the meantime, you're only making yourself miserable. </p>

<p>If you want to stay with this girl, go for it. Or break up with her. Either way. </p>

<p>But make your decision based off your own situation, not her's. (Which is a horrible way to go in any social interaction)</p>