Hit Rock Bottom 1st year of college...So lonely.

Parent Cafe
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<p>Hi, so I have had this problem since the beginning of the first semester. I am a first year and I was so so excited about starting college. You should've seen me...excited about piking out furniture, my classes, school supplies, just about everything! I also picked the best college I got into. A fairly prestigious public University. The problem is...I feel so alone with no one I can really call a "friend". I mean, the first week was okay. I interacted and went out with my floormates, even to a few parties. After the first week, however, I realized that I did not really connect or get along well with these people. They were more of the rowdy and loud type and I wasn't. After a while, I stopped goiing to dinner and lunch with them because I just felt so out of place all of the time. It'd go like this: I would go have lunch with a group of like 10...and everyone would be happily chatting away while I just awkwardly sat there eating. Some of them would ask stuff like "Why aren't you talking?" and I would just say I was tired. But yes, I felt extremely awkward and out of place after a while so I just stopped.</p>

<p>Then I met 2 friends, and the three of us instantly clung onto each other. THe thing is, I feel like I only hung out with them out of convenience. One of them took SO much effort to talk to, as she only responded with one word answers and it took nearly ALL my energy just to keep up a conversation. The other would complain about her long distance boyfriend EVERY SINGLE DAY. And she would also make the mood very depressing. However, I stuck with them because I felt like I had no one else. I mean in high school, I was used to having a pretty big group and now college life...is disappointing. </p>

<p>So now it's second semester and we were figuring out housing and apartments for next year. I told them I did not want to room with them.I felt like our personalities really clashed and I didn't think I would have fun....and now they don't even talk to me anymore...now I feel more alone than ever. Right now I spend most of my time just in my room alone on the internet or facebook or whatever. I mean I don't mean to be picky about friends or anything...I just want to be around company that I enjoy. </p>

<p>I didn't think making friends would be this hard. I look around and see people laughing and making jokes in their circle of friends or my floormates all hanging out in the lounge. As with clubs, I've tried joining a few but everyone seems just so "close" and they've known each other for a couple of years. I mean, I try to be friendly, but they have all their inside jjokes and whatnot. And they're freindly and all...but yeah it's hard to include yourself when relationships have already been developed. </p>

<p>At this point I don't know what to do. I have another friend I occassionally eat lunch with, but to be honest I don't really like her that much because with her it also takes so much EFFORT to just carry on a conversation. I really don't know what to do at this point. To top it all off, I think this is negatively affecting my grades. I just failed 2 midterms...I feel like I've hit rock bottom. I tried toughing it out after first semester, but I feel like it has not changed. And I DO actively try to make conversation with a lot of people....is it just me? This problem has made me depressed and I think when I'm sad it causes me to isolate myself even more.</p>

<p>And I apologize if I come off as complaining, but I really do no know what to do. Any help will be greatly appreciated. thanks.</p>

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<p>Where are you planning to live next year? If your university has theme housing or co-op housing, you might want to look into those to find a calmer group to live with and hang out with. I would also say stick with the clubs, and volunteer to help out with any activities they are organizing. Yes, the upperclass students will know each other. But they will graduate, and you will get to know people as time goes on. I think a lot of people expect “instant friendships” when they get to college. But a mismatch in your dorm situation, which it sounds like you have, can really derail that. And it is tougher for introverts (I know, I am one!). As you get further in your major you likely will have more classes with the same people, and might make some friends that way as well.</p>

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<p>Hi, thanks for the reply. I applied to University apartment housing…but I might just look for an apartment off campus not affiliated with the University. I don’t know, I feel like i just can’t take this loneliness anymore :(</p>

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<p>Don’t mean to be harsh but I think you’ve got priorities backwards although you’ve pointed out your own main problem. You’re in college to get a degree. You just failed two mid terms–I’d be depressed too and it wouldn’t have anything to do with lack of friends. You may not need to worry about housing if lack of decent grades continues.
Find yourself a study group (a good source of comraderie BTW–two birds with one stone) and hit the books.</p>

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<p>If you don’t want to be lonely I don’t recommend apartments especially off campus. Your best bet is a traditional dorm where people leave doors open and there are lounge areas on the floors where people hang out. If you haven’t joined any clubs or service organizations, you should do so now. I know it’s not easy. I made the mistake of having way too many friends (including a boyfriend) who were seniors freshman year, and ended up having to start all over as a sophomore. It felt like a full time job finding new friends. And the first half of sophomore year was miserable. You will find your crowd, but only if you actively go looking for them.</p>

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<p>You sound depressed. Also, although you are a talkative person by your description, you sound insensitive to others. If they don’t meet your needs, you blow them off. That is a manipulation not a relationship. I say go see someone at your school about your loneliness issues - school psychologist or counselor.</p>

<p>Then I recommend working on your other issues.</p>

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<p>I understand how making friends and talking to people would be hard. I think you need to share a common interest so you have things to do together or talk about.
Join a club, or a group whether it’s sports, music, dance, service, volunteer, study group …</p>

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<p>I agree with mathmom and fire123 that you should look into joining some sort of club. Most large universities have hundreds of student organizations to choose from. If you can find a club that is devoted to something you are interested in, then I’m sure you’ll be able to find someone that you can relate to.</p>

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<p>I agree with mathmom, do NOT move off campus for next year. You won’t find friends that way. I still think exploring co-op or theme housing is a very good way to find friends. If it isn’t too late, you could also shoot for dorms that are maybe less of a loud/party environment. I think you are female… if there is an all women’s dorm, look into that. Not sure if you are sub-free from your post, but I have heard that those dorms also often have a closer, more welcoming community.</p>

<p>I am also going to say that you can’t let the fact that other groups of friends have already formed keep you from joining in as well. Is it super comfy from the first minute? No. Are some groups less accepting of new members, and some more accepting? Yes. But we definitely had additions and reductions to the social group I hung around with in college. It was quite the amorphous blob, actually. :)</p>

<p>Have you considered rushing next year? Neither of my daughters is in Greek life, but it is a built in social group if you choose that path. Different sororities have different types of members/atmospheres, and you might find one that you like. Or some campuses have co-ed Greek organizations that might appeal to you.</p>

<p>Also, do you know anyone from your hometown/high school at college? I met a lot of people at college through people I knew from high school at my same college.</p>

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<ol>
<li><p>See your professor and ask for extra work, help etc, and/or student services (if math or language, many schools have free tutoring, use it!!).</p></li>
<li><p>This won’t be popular, but are you religious at all? See your campus religious group, of whatever your persuasion. </p></li>
<li><p>Agree with stop by student health, ask for counseling.</p></li>
</ol>

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<p>Don’t go to an apartment if you’re lonely - that will just isolate you more. Find clubs - mental (debate, theatre, major-related, study groups), physical (rock-climbing, dancing), service / social (food bank, church). Get a job (cafeteria, help desk).</p>

<p>I have a hard time making friends too. You just have to put yourself where people are, repeatedly. I get along with most of my coworkers even though it’s a big drinking culture and I don’t drink - I just find other common ground. Humor, kids, geekiness. I even go to lunch with them when I’m one of the few people not drinking. You can do it. Good luck.</p>

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<p>I second the Greek rush idea. You situation is exactly why these organizations exist. They facilitate people looking to form friendships. Even if you don’t think Greek life is for you, you may be surprised to find that there are sororities (especially at large state campuses) filled with women who are not obsessed with appearance, as is often the stereotype.</p>

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<p>Join a study group, join a club, stay on campus.</p>

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<p>Hi – I’m so sorry you are having these problems. I agree that you should explore clubs and activities but you need to be strategic about it. A club that never meets or a group that doesn’t have a consistent level of participation is not going to help. I noticed your screen name is sportygirl, suggesting you like sports. Have you looked into opportunities for intramural sports teams? Most campuses have a wide variety of teams for different skill levels. At first glance, it might seem like deadlines have passed, etc., but call the intramural office and see if there are any teams accepting late members. DO THIS TODAY!! Next, look and see what “outing” or “outdoors” clubs there are on campus. There are probably more than one. Sign up for the next available day hike. There is probably one this weekend. DO THIS RIGHT NOW!!! Even if you are not that into hiking or outdoors, do this anyway. Force yourself to make eye contact and smile to other people on the hike right away. Be enthusiastic and upbeat. Report back to us about how this goes.</p>

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<p>The key is that you have to take action now. Do not think about what you might do in the future. Take positive action now.</p>

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<p>I wonder if you are depressed. It seems like your perception of your friends and acquaintances is very negative. Now, it could be that you just haven’t found “your people” yet and there are good suggestions in this thread. But I do wonder if you aren’t judging people too harshly… maybe comparing them too much to old friends you miss? If you are experiencing depression, it can color your attitudes to things as not being worth the effort and make it hard to see how things can get better. I agree with the suggestion of chatting with a counselor at your school. You want to meet people, but you also want to like the people you meet.</p>

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<p>Hey, OP! So sorry you’re having a rough start! :frowning: It can be really challenging starting out, and the new social structures are kind of tough to figure out.</p>

<p>Here’s the thing, first and foremost: You have to pass! Get your butt into some study groups, talk to your professors, get some help with the grades, whatever your campus offers.</p>

<p>Next: You DO sound depressed! Get some counseling. There are people on campus, I’m sure, that deal with this kind of thing all the time! :slight_smile: Get some help.</p>

<p>and finally - personal advice:</p>

<p>College is a time when you get to decide what kind of person you want to be. You get to really begin to define yourself. I hope you turn out to be the kind of person that is less focused on him/herself all the time, and more focused on the world and the people around! How do you fit in? Where can you help, realistically? Make the “EFFORT” because other people are important. They’re not just players in your game. Get involved in some service projects and try to genuinely CARE. Stretch yourself, and BE yourself. When you do these things, people will gradually start to gravitate TO YOU! :)</p>

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<p>So, I looked at some of your old posts (hope you don’t mind) and saw that you go to Berkeley. I’m procrastinating at work, so I looked at the Berkeley recreational sports webpage. They have intramural sports teams, drop-in recreational sports, and classes, among other things.</p>

<p>The classes look like fun and would probably be a great way to meet people. They have classes in stand-up paddleboarding, kayaking, rock climbing, sailing, and many other subjects. (Look under the Outdoor tab). The intro to sailing class meets 4 times, so you’d see the same folks multiple times, but it is pricey ($150). Would your parents finance something like that? </p>

<p>Another suggestion is stand-up paddleboarding, which is really fun and easy, and quite addicting. They have a class a week from Saturday that is full, but you could probably get on the waiting list. That class is $35. If you take a class like that, you could always ask whether other participants want to go again and rent paddleboards for the day.</p>

<p>It looks like you can buy a pass that allows for unlimited classes and rentals. I didn’t look at everything, but I’m sure there are many free things to do, too.</p>

<p>You need to get out there and do fun stuff. You won’t necessarily make best friends instantly, but if you are friendly and open to adventure, you’ll undoubtedly meet other people who could eventually turn into friends! </p>

<p>What were your EC’s in high school?</p>

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<p>You asked, so here goes. It’s is you, to a large degree. You complain about a friend who is hard to talk to, and you were the exact same way. </p>

<p>You can choose to shut down and shut yourself off from others, or you can try and reconnect with friends you went to dinner with.</p>

<p>From your posts I haveno idea what you like to do. What kind of people,you want to be around. If you are artsy, or outdoorsy, a writer, or like to volunteer.</p>

<p>Pouting will get you nowhere and people don’t have time for it. Seems you had people who did care and ask about you, but you rejected them.</p>

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<p>I’m so sorry to hear that you’re feeling lonely and depressed. It sounds like you haven’t found like-minded people to hang out with yet. But as the others have said, don’t give up looking. I would recommend going to your campus counseling center to get screened for depression. Loneliness is a common experience that college students go through, especially during their first year. You also need to get on top of your academic problems before they mushroom. I would definitely recommend that you look for housing on campus next year. If you move off campus, you will feel even more isolated than you do now. Best of luck to you. Hugs!</p>