<p>Parents are amazing, Single parents are amazing. I grew up most of my life with my mother being both mom and dad. I never had to put up anything less then my mother thought I deserved. I get everything I need and so much more, I wouldnt trade my life for anything in this world. My mother on the other hand isnt involved in my life as much as I want her to be. i hear kids talk about how strict their parents are or how they're grounded till they bring their C back to an A. Me I never had that problem because I never got anything below a B All through middle school and high school till my senior year my mom never seen any of my report cards cause she just didnt know or ever cared. My senior year of high school I started handing her my report cards wheater she wanted to see it or not. All she would say it "great, keep up the good work". When applying to college she didnt care much either, she would just give me the money for application fee's not never asked who accepted me or who didnt. I ended up making the worse decision of my life and went to wisconsin for college (I live in florida) and since she isnt involved she didnt even know what school i was at after i told her many times. Now I'm back home after a semester from hell in wisconsin and going to FSU in the fall. I just dont understand what makes a parent not involved in their childerns lifes? I'm the youngest of three kids, the only one to graduate high school and even go to college. Education in my family to the younger generation is like a foregin language, I dont see anything else without a college education. Education is more then important to me, its life. I am proud of myself for not doing the other things i see among my peers. I didnt get pregnant at 16. I dont drink, smoke, never done drugs or everything under the sun that "teens" do. How do I make my mother more involved? How can i open her eyes? I made it this far without her knowing anything. I graduated second out of my 389 senior class. Help</p>
<p>We cannot know your situation, but perhaps your mom, being a single mom of three, is tired & worn out and even more, if she did nto do the colege thing, does not know how to be involved, does not know how to hep, does not know what to ask. Perhaps your successes are a myhstery to her and she simply feels blessed by your abilities and organization, figuring you seem to be doing a great job without her input! Take it as a compliment!</p>
<p>Maybe you could simply continue doing what you are doing, just like you gave her your report cards, keep giving her anything that will open a possible conversation and keep giving her opportunities to connect with you and understand your world. She supported your applications financially, she must support your ambitions in theory, but may not know how to begin to connect with you otherwise.</p>
<p>Keep putting yourself out there, keep trying and hopefully you can bridge that gap!</p>
<p>Bbecker, I'm proud of you, and I know your mom is, too, even though it may not seem that way. She probably thinks you are so smart and competent she doesn't need to stay on top of you all the time. Keep up the good work at FSU and don't give up on your mom. Just keep talking to her, and giving her opportunities to talk to you, as somemom suggested. Sometimes all the troubles weighing on parents are not visible to kids until years go by, and understanding increases.</p>
<p>So sorry you came to Wis and it didn't work- you had a tough situation being so far from home with no support from home, no matter how capable you are the intangibles can get in the way. Parents are what they are, not what we want them to be. You can't count on getting your mother more involved, you need to figure out a strategy to continue to thrive (as you obviously did in HS) without her input. It should help to be in your home state environment, others from your home town will know the school you're going to and you can look to them for advice and moral support. Substitute others for your support, with e-mail you can let a favorite teacher, counselor, relative, friend's mother be involved in your life, especially since they probably know about FSU and you won't be trying to explain a strange world to them. We all need someone to get excited/happy for us when we achieve, you need to find someone who can do this.</p>
<p>Your mom may be intimidated by you and college and not know what to say or how significant some of your accomplishments are - you've entered a world foreign to her even at your HS. Good luck.</p>
<p>bbecker,
Maybe your mom hasn't seemed to have been supportive because she just has no experience whatsoever regarding college and doesn't even know what to ask.
Perhaps she even thinks she would look foolish in asking certain questions. Since you will be going to school much closer to home, maybe you could arrange for her to come visit so that you could show her the campus. She might really appreciate that and would then have a frame of reference when you mentioned something about the campus.</p>
<p>Thank you so much, I'll def take everything in consideration. silverspringmom, thank you hearing that makes me proud of myself.</p>
<p>I love it when my daughter calls up and tells me she's going to be "in" something that I can see on campus (she performs in EC's like improv comedy and circus) so I buy a ticket, sit in the audience. I not only see her and feel proud but I see how the campus is a community. If you don't perform, but a friend does (dance, theater, whatever!!) you can even invite your Mom to join you in the audience. It's less "on the spot" for a mom to watch things.</p>
<p>Also, it's nice to just see if she can meet you after work for an ice cream or something on campus. She'll feel so honored just to walk around with you.</p>
<p>Ask her advice on stuff she DOES know about. I like it when my S asks me for laundry tips! Does she organize the house okay? Get her tips for your dorm room. Is she a capable cleaner--find out what her favorite products are for dusting or cleaning around your dorm room. Even just chat about the food choices. Every single mom knows about how to run the house and kitchen, so look for the common ground. It doesn't have to always be about your grades or the papers you wrote, which she may or may not understand. </p>
<p>Tell her you love her. That's the most important thing of all.</p>
<p>What nice advice from paying3tuitions. I'm a mom who <em>is</em> interested and involved in my S' college education. But he is not much of a talker. So I love it, just as paying3 says, when he asks about a recipe, or any small thing. If the other posters are right in their insights that your mom just doesn't feel she knows your world, she will be thrilled that there are areas where she <em>is</em> the expert.</p>
<p>And, may I say how sweet it is that you want to bring her into your world? Very kind and thoughtful of you.</p>
<p>Best of luck.</p>
<p>As the parents have said, I'm sure she's proud of you and your accomplishments. You say your siblings didn't go to college, and somemom suggested that your mom may have never gone to college herself; that maybe part of the problem. I could be way off base here, but maybe your mom feels she doesn't know how to connect with you since you're "movin' on up" in the world, to something she and your siblings may have never imagined possible for themselves, and you're doing it without needing a lot of hand-holding. </p>
<p>What I suggest, what I would do in your shoes-seeing as how I am a student myself-is to tell her how you're feeling. It's not that you resent her because she seems somewhat indifferent to your college life, you just want to know why she seems indifferent and what you could do to change that. Tell her that you are as proud to have her as a mom as she is to have such a capable and self-reliant child, and that you would love it if she were to come to stuff on campus or to just show a general interest in what's going on in your life.</p>
<p>I feel for you, I really do. I was recently invited to accept an award in the spring and one of the first things I did after I got the letter was call my mom! From my kindergarten Christmas pageant to this assembly at my college campus in the spring, she's been at everything. I sometimes urge her to find a hobby or something, just something to focus on because she doesn't have to deal with day-to-day parenting that consumed a lot of her time until this past August, but I couldn't imagine her not being at this-or any other big event in my life.</p>
<p>It's not that my mother didn't go to college, She enlisted in the miltary when she was 19 and she retired after 20 years when she was 38. She attended college but she didn't finish. It's not the college part that is worrying me, its everything. Shes not involved in my life period. She doesn't know my friends. I come home and tell her about certain things that I did that day and which friend I was which but she never really listens. I realized now, that I'm getting older. I'm away from home more and I miss my mom. As I get older I'm going to want my mom in my life more, When I graduate, When I moved out on my own and when I get married. involving her in my college education is only the tip of the iceberg. My brothers didn't finish high school, I'm the first. And to attend college thats a even bigger step. I'll take it day by day though.</p>
<p>frostburg, I just hope more kids dont take their parents presents for granted. My mom didn't even go to my 5th grade graduation, while the other kids left. I had to stay the rest of the day at school because my mom didn't come pickme up. She's not a bad parent, just not an involved one.</p>
<p>Well, you're the first to take the typical path of graduate from high school =>graduate from college=> grad school and/or get a job. You're life is turning out very differently than hers did, and she may feel like she doesn't belong. Tell her how you're feeling. Sit her down, make her listen. Ask her why she responds to you the way she does. Tell her you need her to be involved.</p>
<p>Maybe your mom is depressed and as been for a long time. I wonder has she always been this way? Either that or perhaps she didn't want to be a mother. I don't mean that she doesn't love you; just that she doesn't have mothering instincts. What is her relationship with her parents like? Maybe she didn't have parents that were involved in her life and doesn't really know how to do it. I am in no way putting down your mother nor am I saying she doesn't love you... I am sure she does. I am just not sure that she knows how to show it.</p>
<p>Do you have any other family members in the area?</p>
<p>My dad is a lot like your mom...he doesn't have much to say about my grades, my friends, anything really. I think he just doesn't understand/know what to say. I can really empathize with him. Sometimes my friends say I'm a flake/unobservant/etc. and I think I get it from him ;). The truth is sometimes people don't realize what they are doing and don't know /what/ to do about it. Some people really don't have those parental/mothering insticts, but that doesn't mean they don't love you...just means they're kinda clueless. And like other parents have said, things may be weighing on your mom that you don't see, so maybe it's tough for her to provide things for you beyond the essential. I think it's so cool that parents have suggested you ask for tips she can talk about and knows a lot about. If you try to bring yourself into her life, maybe that will provide the avenue for her to get involved in yours. Even though I hate building things, real estate, etc., I try to go out to my dad's rental properties and help him fix up, get involved in his hobbies even though he's not involved in mine. That's when we talk the most...and I think I don't even try as hard as I could. I would do both that and talk to her about how you're feeling. Good luck :).</p>
<p>I agree with people who posted saying that since you're first generation college, your mom probably has no clue how to do the things that many more educated parents routinely do to help their kids get to college. She simply doesn't know those things. Her lack of involvement doesn't indicate that she doesn't care.</p>
<p>The fact that she's not blocking your path to college and isn't putting you down for aspiring to college indicates that she is being very supportive.</p>
<p>I have mentored a lot of students who were first gen college from single parent homes. In some cases, their moms were jealous or appeared to fear that if the students went to college, the students would no longer wish to associate with their uneducated family members.</p>
<p>As a result, some of those moms said and did some very cruel things to their offspring. This included putting their kids down for using "big words" or proper English. It also included deliberately piling on housework just before the kids had exams or finding bogus excuses to prevent the kids from going on field trips or participating in other academic opportunities. It also included telling the kids they wouldn't fit in in college -- they weren't smart enough or would be looked down at by the other students.</p>
<p>So, try to look again at what's going on in your home, and see what your mom is doing to support you. Let her know that you appreciate her believing in you. Also let her know that you respect her and admire her. It may be a surprise to you, but your mom may herself be embarassed at her lack of education and may even feel that you are ashamed of her. She may feel that she doesn't have much going for her.</p>
<p>So, if you take the time to tell her what you respect and appreciate about her, that may brighten her day a lot. It also would be nice if you let her know how she has -- through her parenting -- raised you to be a person with the confidence to apply to college.</p>
<p>Also, there's a good chance that your mom is as smart as you, but just didn't have the confidence or means to go to college, so take the time to notice the good things about you that you may have inherited from her, and let her know that you appreciate that legacy.</p>
<p>You may even want to encourage her to return to school some day if she has an interest in doing that. Let her know that you have the confidence that if she wants a college education, too, she is smart enough to do so, and isn't too old to do that. There are plenty of college (and high school) programs for mature adults. Some include scholarships and other support. People as old as 80 have gone through such programs.</p>
<p>Congratulations on your accomplishments! Best of luck to you with college.</p>
<p>No, my MIL didn't go to college and she is intimately involved with all the college decisions of her grandchildren. It is one of the highlights of her life. She was unfortunate--not stupid.</p>
<p>I'd say your mom is unresponsive for other reasons. What were her parents like? What kind of childhood did she have? Is she under strain now?</p>
<p>Get professional help. Ask your counselor at FSU to help you reach out to her. Rather than waiting for her to come to you with explicit emotional statements, you may have to go to her and initiate the conversation.</p>
<p>This will be a great journey for you. It may give you a chance to understand your foundations--and your mom-- a bit better.</p>
<p>"No, my MIL didn't go to college and she is intimately involved with all the college decisions of her grandchildren. It is one of the highlights of her life. She was unfortunate--not stupid.</p>
<p>I'd say your mom is unresponsive for other reasons."</p>
<p>A person doesn't have to be stupid to be unresponsive when their kid is applying to college. As some have suggested, the mother could be depressed or overwhelmed with concerns or responsibilities that are kid doesn't know about.</p>
<p>She also could lack confidence in her own ability to help or advise her student about college. Many people who lack education, while intellectually bright, don't feel as if they are smart, and so bow out of attempts to help their offspring with academic endeavors. Such parents may be caring and loving, but may feel that others -- teachers, guidance counselors, others who are more educated -- are the right ones to help their student.</p>
<p>Cheers, from what I've seen, your MIL is unusual (with the exception of people who came to this country because they weren't able to get education in their own countries). Most of the U,S,- born parents who lack education whom I have encountered have not done much to actively support their kids' getting education even if the parents very much wanted their kids to go to college. The parents' help may have been allowing the kids to apply to college (which in many cases may have been far more than those parents' had allowed them to do), working hard to put food on the table so their kid could concentrate on school instead of having to quit high school to help pay the bills.</p>
<p>My H was first generation college. His mom didn't go to 8th grade, his dad didn't go to 10th grade. H doesn't remember his parents ever going to PTA meetings. Why? They were working or caring for his sibs.</p>
<p>I also would bet money that H applied for colleges on his own, with his parents paying the fees and offering verbal support, but not offering any other assistance. H knew more about the process than they did. By enabling and encouraging H to go to college instead of having to drop out of school to work, however, my H's parents had done more for him than their parents had been able to do for them when it came to education.</p>
<p>northstarmom and cheers have two very different ideas about what's going on with your mom. I think you can probably figure out which one of them is right.</p>
<p>Consider this: When issues have come up in your life where your mother is knowledgeable, how does she respond if you ask her for advice? For example, if she's good with people, have you ever asked her advice on how to handle a disagreement with a friend? Or if she's good with tools, have you ever asked her to show you how to fix your bike? </p>
<p>If your mom has been responsive and helpful in situations like these, then her standoffish approach to your college education probably reflects her discomfort with a part of life that is unfamiliar to her. But if she has not been responsive in such situations, then perhaps she has some broader problem, such as depression, that is impairing her ability to relate to you in many ways.</p>
<p>In any case, I doubt that your mom -- or even a mom who knows a lot about colleges -- could have predicted that you would be unhappy in Wisconsin. Sometimes it just isn't possible to know in advance how a student is going to react to a particular experience.</p>
<p>You have received advice from many different viewpoints and any one of them could be valid in this case. I think there is more going on than just your Mom's lack of interest in your college career since you indicate she hasn't been interested in a lot of things in your life. It is even possible at some point in your teen years she got the feeling from you that you didn't need her or want her to be involved in your life, she pulled back, you did fine so she is just continuing this. I think there is two things you can do regardless of the reasons for your Mom's apparent disinterest. </p>
<p>First, be interested in her and the things she does. Ask questions about the things she likes and really listen to her answers.</p>
<p>Second, talk to your Mom. Tell her how much you missed her when you were away from home. Emphasize that you need her more than ever. That growing up and being on your own is scary and that having her support would make it so much easier. Tell her that sometimes you need a more experienced and wiser ear to listen to your concerns and give advice and that her's is the advice you value the most. And then give her some specific things she can do - things such as it was so scary going away to Wis, could you see if you could work it into your schedule to drive with me to UF and walk around campus, maybe eat in the cafeteria, etc so I could begin to become familiar with it? Can we take a Saturday and do XXX like we use to when I was younger? I know I'm older now but I kinda miss those times. Ask her to help you cook a special dish she knows you liked as a child. Give her specific ways to be involved in your life and if she does them, be sure to give her a big hug, tell her you love her so much and you really appreciate that she took the time to do that. Everyone needs to feel like what they do makes a difference, even parents. It will take time but in this way, maybe you can get her to see just how important she is.</p>