How Can I Get My Parents Interested?

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi! I recently started lurking here and I decided to finally make an account. I'm posting this question here because I'm looking for some parental perspective, and you always seem to give really helpful advice.</p>

<p>I'd like to get my parents more interested in what I'm doing. Throughout high school, I could never really get them interested in my grades, extracurriculars, etc. They never pushed me or acted like "nothing was good enough", but more they have a very apathetic attitude towards things that seem to involve me, lol. They're not really the type of parents who would come to soccer games or school fundraisers. They weren't really too keen to help fill out college applications, help out financially, etc. Which is all fine, it's not their cup of tea. I'm not bitter, it really is all water under the bridge.</p>

<p>I managed to get a private scholarship, which pays for half my tuition, books,etc and now I'm a sophomore at my university. I live a ways from them, and to be honest, I work long hours and barely have time to do anything, apart from school, and a few school related activities. I know it seems silly, since I'm nineteen and all, but I'd LOVE for my folks to take more of an active interest in my life. I was thinking of some ways I could maybe encourage them to do so. Maybe bringing them out one weekend, my treat? Giving them access to my grades so they can feel more involved?</p>

<p>Once again, I know how I must seem...I'm kind of an adult now, lol. I don't want a pat on the back or a gold star. But still, I'd like to salvage some kind of a relationship, and I'd love for them to know what I'm doing.</p>

<p>Is there anything that some of you parents like getting from your kids while they're away? Anything that you really appreciate?</p>

2

<p>My parents are very similar (except for the financial part kinda), so I feel for you! I used to get bummed about the no care packages or visits (ever) or personal help, but I just learned to grow a thick skin, roll with the punches and be independent. I have a fairly good relationship with them, and although I’ve tried in the past to get them involved in my life, I’ve found that you just can’t force a person to do what you want them to do - they have to want to be involved themselves. Personally, I don’t think there’s anything you can really do about it but keep calling them and giving them updates, even if they are not proactive about reaching out to you for info. I think inviting them out to your location is a nice idea…
But anyway, I’d also like to hear another perspective on this.</p>

3

<p>This is a very sad situation, and I wonder if it has been this way all your life, OP, or just recently? Were your parents involved in your life and activities in grade school, middle school, etc.? If so, when/why/how did things begin to change? I agree with previous poster that you can’t compel (or maybe even encourage) people to get involved in your life when they aren’t interested…I just can’t for the life of me understand why they wouldn’t want to be involved. Shed a little more light on this, if you can.</p>

4

<p>I’ve known parents like this. There can be a variety of reasons why they seem distanced from the happenings in your life. Perhaps they both have demanding jobs. Maybe they have a lot of stress/problems in their marriage. There can be long-term/on-going distracting issues that can prevent some parents from paying attention to what their kids are doing. Sometimes it’s a cultural thing. Some cultures don’t put as much importance on higher education. And, some parents feel threatened when their kids seek a college education because the parents don’t have one. </p>

<p>Do you have any siblings? Are your parents the same with them?</p>

<p>I feel for you. It’s only natural for a good kid like you to want some parental affirmation once in awhile. :)</p>

<p>On the bright side…</p>

<p>Well, many of us would like to hear how you’re doing. :slight_smile: What is your major? How have your grades been so far? How are you managing to cover the other half of your school costs? What kind of part-time job do you have? </p>

<p>It would be nice if you invited your parents to visit you at college. However, if your parents won’t come or would be rather cold during the visit (maybe for one of the reasons above), then that might just add to your hurt.</p>

<p>Do you know any other adults in your life who are affirming? A prof? Parents of friends? Grandparents? Aunts/Uncles? If so, they may need to become your source for “attaboys.” :)</p>

5

<p>I would caution about spending a lot of money bringing your parents out to visit you on your own dime. You work hard for that money and need to concentrate on saving it for your college expenses. Personally, I’d save it for maybe your graduation, <em>if</em> you really want your parents there.</p>

<p>My main advice however is this – start bonding with friends, mentors and other people in your community that fill that gap in your heart. It isn’t meant to substitute for your parents, it is meant to give you the support and personal connection that you deserve and need in ways that are healthy and sustainable over the course of your adult life. </p>

<p>When I was in college I had a relationship with an elderly tutor that morphed into a “grandma” type relationship… it was like a freebie grandma from the universe (minus my weekly tutor fees)… and went beyond just the tutoring session. It was an easy relationship, uncomplicated by family drama and once I really just let go and realized that a perfect stranger could care for me and coddle me in all those stereo-typical grandma ways, I really was able to feel heart-full.</p>

<p>I also had a college professor who was a mentor to me. Her congratulations to me on my graduation was more genuine, spot-on, and emotionally filled than what my parents (emotionally) offered. Again, it is a matter of letting oneself receive the love and support that is already there and realizing that one’s own parents may be “missing” some capability to do the same. It is always a little bit sad that my own parents are off the mark more often than not, but if I stay open to the other relationships in my life (and stop knocking myself out struggling to squeeze out a drop from my parents), I have found that I do feel very loved and whole.</p>

<p>What I find more worrisome about the OP’s post is the idea that if he/she does “X” for the parents, then perhaps the parents will respond with a “Y”. As if the problem and solution is the fault or responsibility of the young adult child. </p>

<p>There is likely nothing you can do to change your parent’s behavior. Feel free to call them, write them letters, visit during a school break. Those are all reasonable, sociable ways to keep the connections you do have in tact. But opening up your wallet or your gradebook in hopes that they will be <em>different</em> and <em>closer</em> to you is an exercise in disappointment. You do not need to sacrifice your money or your privacy, and in fact, I think that you will feel even more disappointed if you did.</p>

<p>I would urge you to realize that your parents are a bit on the reserved/disinterested side, and that it is not a reflection of your loveability or worth. Your parents are just your parents. </p>

<p>Go out and find love and affirmation out in the world–it is there for you to experience.</p>

6

<p>contra- Agree with annika, save the trip for your graduation, if you still need their approval.
You have been parenting yourself for a long time.
Your parents are probably relieved you are self maintained.
You have to stop yearning for a “typical” parent-child relationship, you are on your own financially and emotionally.
Get involved in volunteering-you will meet people who have the compassion and selflessness to serve others.
You can start gathering friends of all ages who will fulfill your need for close, caring relationships.
You’ll be surprised how readily people will accept you as family.
Lots of people have dysfunctional family dynamics and they manage to move forward.
Don’t let it bring you down but let it motivate you to find happiness.</p>

7

<p>My parents were also quite uninvolved in my HS and college career (they did pay for it but it was a lot cheaper back 30 years ago). I don’t think they ever set foot in my HS (graduation was off campus), and only time they were at my college was for graduation. </p>

<p>This did not bother me at all as I didn’t particularly care for them, and I was happy to be able to make my own life without any interference from them. And I think I made a fine life for myself all in all.</p>

<p>OP, my suggestion is same as annikasorrensen’s. Oftentimes, parents have their own issues that take up their emotional energy and leave them very little to extend to their children, especially ones that are making their way (like you are) successfully and seem to be doing fine without their help.</p>

<p>You have done well for yourself, congratulate yourself and continue to look after what you need. It is not your job to parent your parents.</p>

<p>P.S. At this point, I think my parents would like to be a larger part of my and my family’s life, but after all these years of my being ‘independent,’ they are just not an integrated part of how my life runs.</p>

8

<p>Not to give excuses or anything but they are who they are, and possibly doing what they think they are supposed to do, and doing the best they can. (Try to give the benefit of the doubt) They model what they saw their parents’ doing. There are lots of parents who cheer at every game, volunteer in their kids schools, scrapbook everything their kid ever did…involved…both parents at every momentous school achievement…it’s hard not to feel hurt when you don’t see the same thing. All you can do is try to be a “better” parent when you have kids and do things differently.</p>

9

<p>My parents are the same way, and as a senior in college I am now aware that there is literally nothing I could do to get their interest in these sorts of things. The kinds of things that I am doing are just not their thing. They know nothing about college and don’t care to. I got them vaguely interested for a minute when I was first accepted to my school and I dragged them to an admitted students day event so they could see the school and hear all the cool things about it, but their interest after that died by the time the car pulled up in the driveway at home. I guess the sorts of things that I am doing right now are just out of their league and beyond their comprehension. That’s okay, there are other things to bond over. I don’t take a huge interest in their day jobs, either. :P</p>

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<p>I agree w/ just about everything that’s been said. My parents were good to me, but not warm in the traditional ways. I don’t remember ever hearing “I love you,” but I know they did. They each worked full time, neither had even a HS education and, I think, were a bit intimidated by my intellect and the whole school system. The last school event I remember my mom being involved in was in 1st grade (and sometimes she’ll still refer to that as proof of her “involvement” :rolleyes: ). But I was fed and clothed and they got me a car when I turned 16 and paid for the part of my college I didn’t get covered with scholarships – all the things I think they thought were important.</p>

<p>I spent years longing for things from them I was simply never going to get. Certainly, I had some wonderful times with my parents (especially fishing with dad, just the two of us), but our family was never going to be the Cleavers or the Huxtables. Better for you to accept their love as it’s offered than waste time wishing for things that, for whatever reason, they simply can’t seem to give. I hope that doesn’t sound harsh.</p>

<p>And sometimes you have to train people up. When I graduated from college – the first in my family to do so – I insisted my parents have some kind of party to mark the occasion. Sometimes you just have to ask for you want. If there’s something in particular you want from your parents, you should just ask, though I agree with others that you should save your money for your college expenses.</p>

<p>The good news is that I’m now quite close with my parents. Grandchildren do wonderful things to people. :slight_smile: And I’m kinder in my assessment of them. I truly believe 99% of parents are doing the best that they can with what they have to work with. It’s not always what we want, but understanding that they aren’t TRYING to make us miserable goes a long way toward forgiveness. And, as an adult, I now see things I didn’t see at the time.</p>

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<p>Thanks so much so far to everyone who has replied- I really appreciate you sharing your stories and such. I felt kind of sad reading a few of them, but at least a lot of you have accepted it and have found acceptance & guidance through someone else, not family related. That makes me very happy to hear :)</p>

<p>A little more backstory on me, for those of you who asked: I’m majoring in English, and I don’t exactly know what I want to do, lol, which isn’t all that unusual I guess. I work nights, an under the table job, and my tuition/books/bills are still high, but luckily I don’t have to pay any housing/dorm fees since I live off campus. It’s hard at times, but still manageable. Though, I don’t recommend it, ha ha ^___^</p>

<p>I’m one of three kids. I have a brother and a sister. My sister got married/pregnant pretty early on, and I don’t talk to her all that much, since we’re five years apart. My brother is okay, but he’s kind of a reclusive, artsy type and is usually working on an art show or something. We’re a bit apart in age as well, so we don’t talk much either. It’s not unfriendly, but I was a little kid when they were teenagers, so I guess there is that problem, we really don’t have a relationship. He was in college for a while, but dropped out, probably due to the money factor.</p>

<p>I’m sort of, in a way, the black sheep in the family. My mom and my dad both attended college, but they, like my brother, are reclusive artists, lol. They do a lot of artistic things, instruments, painting, etc. They lived on a commune for a while, if that tells you anything. Honestly, they march to the beat of their own drum and can be a bit…strange, according to a few of my friends. But my parents were also what they like to refer to themselves as “self made”. I think they paid for college on their own. </p>

<p>They’re my parents and they love me, but we’re just very…different. It’s really hard for me to talk to them, although I wish I could. I guess I’ve always wanted a bit of attention from them. I can barely get them to talk on the phone with me >.< Lol. It’s a constant battle. They get along better with my brother and sister, because they are more alike. But they just don’t seem to like me. They love me, but its the “like” that is the problem. From a young age, they taught us to be independent, open minded, etc. With that, comes the responsibility of taking care of yourself, which I’ve always done. My siblings and I always brushed our teeth, made our beds, made our own lunches, etc. It was just the way it was. I signed my own report cards for aggesss lol. My parents kind of alienated us from the rest of the family, an we never got together on holidays. I know my uncle, but barely. We used to chat on the phone every once in a while, but only when he would call to talk to my dad. Other than that, I barely know anyone in my family.</p>

<p>I don’t know if I want approval…I know Ill never had a stereotypical family, the Cleavers as someone posted, ha ha. They don’t have to help me out financially, but I’d love to get closer to them or something. I guess I should stop forcing it; it should happen naturally, if it does at all. As far as the “paying for them to visit” thing goes, I have savings I was planning to use for something else (a new washing machine would be nice, lol), but I’d gladly use it if it would bring us closer, maybe they’d have a good time. I’ve started scouting places I could take them, but I just don’t know. The whole thing is frustrating, but I’m feeling better that some of you are going through the same thing. I do NOT mean I’m glad that you are going through that situation, not at all, but it’s just nice not to feel so isolated to a situation. At least there are others.</p>

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<p>There are millions of others. Interestingly, both my parents grew up in similar situations to the ones they are creating for me now. My dad essentially lived in his bedroom growing up, as we all do in the parental house now, and after he dropped out of community college and started his career (a computer programmer, my how times have changed) he didn’t even speak to his parents for years until he met my mother and she insisted on meeting them. There was no grand falling out or any big fight, from what I have been told, they just lived very different lives and my dad did a bad job of keeping up communications. My mom had a baby at 17 and started her adult life very early, and though my grandmother was involved (grandfather out of the picture altogether) she was dating (and eventually marrying) and had a career and was very much involved in her own life, too, which kept their relationship somewhat distant.</p>

<p>Both my parents have very active relationships with their parents now. They talk almost every day, we see my paternal grandparents fairly regularly, and my maternal grandmother almost weekly. They are very involved with each others lives. I guess it just took time for something to come up that brought them together-- in their case, marriage and grandchildren. I suspect it will be the same for me, too. My parents and I used to get along very poorly. We get along great now, but we are still so different it’s hard to find common ground. I think that will change over time. I suspect this just comes with the territory of being the black sheep.</p>

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<p>I agree with the above posters to not spend your hard earned money to pay for your parents to be there. You didn’t indicate they couldn’t afford to see you - just that they don’t see you. </p>

<p>You have a couple of ways to go on this -

  • You could pour your heart out to your parents and flat tell them you’re dis-heartened and feel dejected because of their hands-off approach. It’s hard to say where that’ll get you. You might find it’s their way of helping to make you independent and not a knock on you. Just understand that their perspective about this can be quite different from yours. If you don’t talk it out you’ll never really know what’s behind their approach.</p>

<ul>
<li>You could invite them to some events at school (on their dime - not yours) such as parents’ day, open house, a concert or art show, or just some random weekend. You could extend invitations a few times. If they take you up on it then great but if they don’t then at least you’ve done your part to extend the invitation such that they know you’d like them there in case there’s some kind of misunderstanding going on - i.e. where they think they’re helping you by staying away.</li>
</ul>

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<p>Not much more to add that others haven’t already said. I do want to second the “asking for what you want” that someone else suggested. So, not only inviting them to an event at school, but letting them know that it would mean a lot to you if they can make it. If they tend to be of a reclusive nature, they might find large social events taxing or uninteresting, without realizing that you feel rebuffed or ignored by their lack of interest. If they are a bit iconoclastic or unconventional, they may not be as interested in seeing your grades, but they might be interested in knowing about your classes or some other aspect of your college experience, especially if it also in any way relates to their areas of interest or expertise. Perhaps there are some school-related arts events that could be fit in to a visit… I wonder if you have ever had a conversation with either of your parents about the fact that, though you have different interests and personality styles, you want to continue to nurture connection with them as you enter your adult years. This of course involves taking a risk, since if they really are not interested at all in your life, then you will know that for a fact rather than as a suspicion. However, it is hard to know really without having such a conversation. It reminds me of one of the Story Corps vignettes in which a mother explains to her daughter that she is very proud of her her, though her cultural upbringing has kept her from expressing this, while the daughter expressed ,through tears, that she always felt she was a disappointment. [StoryCorps</a> Listen](<a href=“http://storycorps.org/listen/]StoryCorps”>Stories – StoryCorps)
I also agree with your connecting with other adults who can be involved in your life or as mentors. As the parent of a young adult, I am touched by your willingness to have your parents involved in your life, and saddened by their seeming indifference. Take care of yourself!</p>

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<p>I want to give you a big ol’ hug, OP!</p>

<p>I’m also the youngest of three kids, born much later than my siblings. I think that’s part of what caused my mom to parent me so differently than how she parented my brother and sister. She was a SAHM with them up until HS, but she went to work part-time when I was in first grade and then eventually full time. Once, she told me how she felt bad that I often ate cereal for breakfast when she had gotten up early and cooked bacon and eggs and toast and whatever every morning for my siblings. It’s funny that she remembers that – I didn’t at all. And, in fact, once she told me that it occurred to me that perhaps that’s what made me so much more independent than my siblings, who still live within 10 minutes of my parents (I’m about three hours away).</p>

<p>I also was the family oddball. I had such a curious mind, and no one really got it. When I was little “Roots” was very popular, and I wanted to research our family. My mom totally blew me off, and my dad made stuff up just to pacify me. I could go around today feeling all bitter about my “horrible” upbringing (ahem, like my sister!), but it wasn’t horrible at all. No, not exactly emotionally fulfilling at times, but they really did the best they could.</p>

<p>And today, seriously, they call sometimes three times a day. We are close. They sometimes want so much from me that it’s exhausting. Even though I’m the only one who doesn’t live in town with them, I’m the go-to trouble-shooter, the competent one. Ds1 wrote on of his college essays about my dad – that’s how close they are. Relationships CAN change.</p>

<p>It will all work out, OP. Maybe it won’t be the most perfect relationship --ever – but I bet it will eventually become satisfying for you.</p>

<p>ETA: Oh, mamita, that was so touching. I love Story Corps. And change ethnicities, and there’s my story.</p>

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<p>I agree it’s a difficult place to be, but there is always hope that they’ll come around. One thing you can do is to write to them occasionally. Know that they probably won’t write back, but they will read your letters. They’ll be up-to-date on what’s going on in your life and the lines of communication will be open. There will be no pressure on them, and you can take time to gather your thoughts. Invite them to visit but on their dime.</p>

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<p>ucsd<em>ucla</em>dad- Thanks for that idea. I took your advice yesterday, planned what I was going to say, etc. I spoke on the phone with my mom (finally) and I told her everything, ho I felt, what I thought, etc. But, basically, some harsh were were said, and it didn’t end up/achieved what I hope it would. I feel a bit hopeless, but a lot of you on here told e what I could expect, so I’m not totally surprised. But it was worth a shot.</p>

<p>However, I’m planning on maybe taking a trip up there for Thanksgiving, if finances/work schedule permits it.</p>

<p>The poster above ^ suggested me to write letters- I’m totally going to start doing that :smiley: Maybe postcards to, because those are always fun. This whole thing is kind of like a really late new years resolution, but I am going to give it my all. My family is important to me.</p>

<p>Thank you for all of your comments & suggestions ^____^</p>

<p>edit: oh, and hugs to you too, YouDontSay! I’m glad you’re closer with your parents now! That was quite a turnaround, lol.</p>

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<p>Contra, Sorry it didn’t unfold as you had hoped. At least you began the conversation. Some parents are introverted, depressed, chronically stoned, having marital difficulties, concerned about health issues, or otherwise preoccupied. Be the sort of offspring to them that you want to be. Over time they may reciprocate. If not, you’ll know that you did your part. There are many nurturing folks out there to help. Good luck and stay in touch.</p>

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<p>This thread makes me want to cry. It also makes me want to thank God every day that I have two sons who want me to be interested and allow me to do so.</p>

<p>I also think this is a by product of the separation ceremonies that are being discussed in another thread. Parents are encouraged to let go and perhaps some take the message too far for their student’s needs. The student is encouraged, sometimes badgered, to let them go and feel pressure to not seek their guidance lest they be ‘helicoptered.’ </p>

<p>Your parents might be thinking that you are doing fine without their guidance and that you are welcoming your independence. You need to talk to them and tell them that their involvement is not a matter of quantity but quality. FWIW, I was the ‘black sheep’ in my family as well and my Mom was heavily involved in my life for all the wrong reasons. Thus, my comment about quality vs. quantity. </p>

<p>I know there are parents involved for the wrong reasons. Perhaps your parents are NOT involved for what they felt were the right reasons. Your independence and maturity. Parents are getting mixed messages. The problem with that is students are as well.</p>

20

<p>We don’t get to choose our families.</p>

<p>Some of us are very fortunate in this lottery, fortunate to have supportive parents who are with us every step of our lives if we want it.</p>

<p>I didn’t have parents like that. They did their “duty” as they saw it through the upper middle class prism of their lives. They did more than the OP’s parents did. However, they were not involved, invested, or particularly interested. This never changed. </p>

<p>I’m sorry. Some people are just not wired that way. I do not mean to imply that the OP should not make reasonable efforts to communicate with the parents. Just that the OP should understand that being a “good child” does not mean that they will be model “good parents” in the desired way.</p>

<p>By all means, make reasonable efforts to involve them so that you will not later wonder “what if I had…”</p>

<p>But do find a way to make peace with the results and move on to the life you deserve: a life filled with mutually supportive people.</p>