Quick side tangent: I plan to move into my dorm and not commute so I don’t have to deal with the drama of being with my family every day.
The topic title says it all.
Are you trying to have a relationship with or becomes friends with a girl?
Is this a priority?
Usually, you don’t approach them without knowing them because some girls are put off by that or are super safety conscious. You meet people in classes and they get to know you, you get to know them.
It’s pretty easy to meet girls when you are in college. You can meet people during orientation, in your classes by forming study groups, in clubs and organizations, through friends, through your freshman dorm, etc. You just say hi and go from there. As someone who is also an introvert, college is one of the best times to make those relationships happen because most people are open to it and are also trying to meet new people. You can invite people to go to campus events with you, meet people in a group, or just through things you have in common.
It’s like this: There’s two sides of my head arguing with each other when it comes to deciding to approach a girl I’m a little bit interested in.
One side says “Go try it! You’ll stand out from the rest by just TRYING to approach her!” And the other side is saying “NO! You don’t know a single thing about her! What if she has a boyfriend? What if she lies to you about having a boyfriend? What if she gives you a fake number? You don’t know any details! You’ll just come off as a nervous creep by just going in blind!”
Is either side necessarily wrong?
Well, if you knew her from a study group or from some service organization that you both belonged to, you might learn along the way if she had a boyfriend or not. Yes, “going in blind” can come across as creepy.
You are asking a bad question which is basically: how can I succeed as an extrovert while being an introvert. It makes no sense. The obvious answer is that you must change. There are few greater motivators for change than finding a girlfriend.
Being an introvert does not imply that you do not talk to people of the opposite sex or have relationships. Perhaps you mean to say that you are avoidant and anxious/unsettled by assertively interacting with others. That is a bigger hurdle. If you cannot muscle through that given your age and obvious motivation, you should consider basic counseling, usually free through student health centers, to work on those issues. Nothing wrong with that and you might find it liberating.
I don’t think this will work unless she knows you; it can make you stand out in a way that neither she nor you will like.
If she doesn’t know you, you may creep her out because it would be merely based on looks.
Even if she doesn’t have a boyfriend, she doesn’t have to give you a reason for not accepting you.
Give women some consideration and learn about them- their brains, motivation, personality, etc. It should be about the person.
You haven’t started college yet and this is what you are thinking about?
^^^ I mean I think it is a perfectly valid question. Before college I hadn’t dated anyone either, so I had thought about these questions and considered posting and asking people for advice.
I think the key thing about being an introvert is that you have to figure out what works for you. The same things that work for other people (while it is always good to branch out and try new things, which can help you gain confidence) may not work for you. For instance I still get nervous when talking to people in a party or a bar type setting because those are not the settings that I am most comfortable in. I am perfectly comfortable talking to people over an one on one lunch or having a late night conversation with people in the lounge individually because those are environments that I thrive in more. One of the relationships that I was in literally started because I had a great conversation with someone in the lounge and we agreed to get dinner the next week.
Or you can immerse yourself by doing things that interest you. I was very involved in extracurricular in college, which made it easy to get to know people and despite being an introvert. I had found that I had been able to meet significantly more people than in high school and had even people approached by people saying, “We haven’t met, but I heard you are part of this… or do this…” and it was a great way to get to know people. It’s also okay to stand out. Like if you are interested in painting, setting up a canvas and painting beautiful parts of campus, joining a Capella or musical group, or doing something funny that makes people laugh, people might come up to you and engage with you.
I think the other thing is don’t put people on a pedestal. They are people just like you and me, and you should get to know them… make it a habit to take time to get to know the people around you by asking thoughtful questions. Don’t make relationships or the fear of rejection the first thing you think of. Then if you like the person and their personality, you can go from there.
Again it is not clear whether you are talking about girls in general or specifically in the terms of dating and romantic relationships, but you really got to play it by your own strengths and interests. If you specify what your specific situation is or what you have fears/questions about, perhaps we can help you more.
Waste of time honestly, romantic relationships in general. Then again, that’s just me. Being in a relationship isn’t a priority. Or, it shouldn’t be. It’s too much unecessary stress and you’d probably be better off on focusing on yourself and achieving academic or personal goals. A bit biased coming from me though since I never really put any effort whatsoever in any romantic relationship I’ve had, as I personally don’t think there’s any real value to them outside of feeling desired and important to someone. I don’t think you should worry a whole lot about romance, but it’s up to you.
uhhh… i happen to believe this is a very common and normal thing to think about (at least on my end). why would you not think about this before going into college? this may be a little different, but i would be lying if i said the convenience of meeting other gay/bi/whatever men on a college campus was not a criteria on my list of what i wanted when looking at schools. it’s just something some, if not many, people think about.
this is very good advice, and not just to “meet girls,” but to meet everyone. the best thing you can do is just say, “hi, i’m [name]. it’s nice to meet you.” and strike up a conversation and let it develop from there. classes, extracurriculars, and even parties (if you can muster up the courage to attend them/end up being curious enough to attend them) are great ways to meet girls and, like i said, people in general.
The reason you’re interested matters. If you don’t know anything about a girl, then your reason for approaching her is based on how she looks. That can come across as creepy.
When you meet girls in classes or college activities and spend time getting to know them, then by the time you ask one out you won’t be going in blind. Make sure you talk to everyone, though, not just girls and particularly not just the girls you consider attractive. Having shared interests like classes or clubs gives you something to talk to other students about. Let your friendships develop naturally from there.
Being friendly and outgoing can be learned behavior especially for an introvert. The key is to get comfortable with embarrassing yourself. I’m not saying act like a fool. I’m saying train your ego to take rejection. Once you get used to it, it’s no big deal. It allows you to maintain confidence, be less self conscious and laugh at yourself. Be friendly and personable. Self confidence is an attractive quality in a man.
Read something like Dale Carnegie " How to win friends and influence people" to get some practical tips and conversation starters. Genuinely be interested in people. Practice introducing yourself and getting to know members of both genders until it becomes natural. In case of rejection or rudeness, just laugh confidently and move on.
This isn’t a nature documentary.
Just say hi. Relationships tend to form out of friendships ime.
Girls are people. If you think of them as some threatening alien species, you aren’t going to be able to act in a natural way. But if you think of them as fellow human beings and treat them as such, you will be a lot more successful both at making friends and at possibly starting a romantic relationship.
Ask for help.
Yeah, I’m with Massmomm.
Approaching women out of the blue isn’t a bad thing, necessarily, if you have something interesting to say. It won’t make you “stand out from the rest,” though. Most women (especially college-aged women) are approached by a LOT of guys out of the blue; it’s not unique or anything.
I’d actually argue that seeing a woman you like, and then trying to take classes with her or join the same clubs to “get to know her better” before talking to her, is creepier. (Also more potential for awkwardness: what if you talk to her finally and she’s not interested in you? Now you’re stuck in some club you wouldn’t have joined otherwise.)
If you see a woman you’d like to talk to, it is an appropriate moment to talk,* and you have something at least marginally interesting to say…go ahead and talk to her. Then pay attention to her verbal and non-verbal signals. If she doesn’t seem interested, end the conversation and go elsewhere.
Yes, she may have a boyfriend. Talking to her is the way to find that out.
Yes, she may lie to you about having a boyfriend. That is a woman’s passive-aggressive way of getting rid of guys she doesn’t want to talk to. (To be fair to us women, sometimes it’s necessary…some guys get annoyingly persistent, aggressive or even violent when you reject them simply because you don’t want to talk to them or are not interested, so sometimes we have to “invent” a boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife/whatever to get them to back off. And occasionally, even that doesn’t work - I’ve told guys “I have a boyfriend” and gotten in response “I don’t see a ring on your finger” or, worse, “I can take you from him.” Don’t be That Guy.)
Yes, she may give you a fake number. This is also passive-aggressive, but see above. If that happens, that’s a pretty clear sign she’s not interested in you. (But don’t be that guy that insists on calling or texting her right that moment to test out that “it works.”)
*Not appropriate times to talk: if she’s reading a book, has headphones in, seems in a hurry, is talking to someone else, it’s the middle of class, or she’s otherwise engaged in something distracting and/or that clearly signals “I don’t wish to talk to someone right now.” Those are annoying. But I will admit that occasionally guys do try it and if the guy is witty and/or cute enough, they do occasionally find success. It’s risky, though, so you’ve got to be pretty confident.
@juliet brings up a great point. I think learning to be upfront about your intentions (at least to some extent is important). I think a thing that many introverts and “nice guys” struggle with is telling a girl that they like her. So they spend all this time befriending her with these feelings held back the whole time and then finally gets the courage to tell her that they like her, only to find out she may not feel the same way. The girl is confused because she had behaved under the premise of a friendship only to find out that the other person was not upfront about their feelings. The guy is frustrated because he feels like he is “friendzoned” after spending all this time getting to know her and feels so strongly about them that he doesn’t want to continue the relationship outside of dating.
While this doesn’t happen all the time, it is not uncommon and being upfront with others and yourself can save yourself a lot of trouble. Then you can move on to getting to know someone that would reciprocate those feelings and would be interested in getting to know you romantically.
It’s not that hard to meet new people while in college, especially girls. There’s a couple of tips and tricks that can help you out in the long run:
- In class: Try sitting next to a random person before class begins. Then, you can strike up a quick convo before the professor arrives. After class, tell her this:
“It was nice meeting you, I’ll see you later.”
Now, the seed has been planted. If you ever see her around campus, then approach her and start talking if the both of you aren’t in a hurry. If you see her at the dining hall, then ask her if you can sit with her. You can even ask for her social media if you ever get the chance to hang out with her or her friends. But, if she starts to ignore you or sits somewhere else in class after the first day, then she may not be interested in you.
On an extra note, group projects help as well.
- In clubs or at activites: It's easy to make friends in clubs or at on campus activities. Approaching new people during these events guarantees a new friend or two.
- At parties:
If you ever decide to venture out on a Friday or Saturday night, then let me be the first to say:
Travel with a friend or group, never alone: Meeting new people gives you an opportunity to try new things. But, you have the power to say “No” to alcohol or drugs. You can be sober and still have fun at parties. Bring some Gatorade/Powerade or a flavored drink that’s non-alcoholic, or you can just bring yourself. No one will judge you if you don’t drink at parties, but avoid the people who do.
- Finding the right friend group:
Find people who’re just like you. Common interests help as well. Everyone’s different at college, so the chances of meeting new people is high.
- How to talk to people:
Talk about anything that relates to college and their interests/hobbies. Just don’t get too personal with people, only talk about the outside. To keep the conversation going, then bring up some random topics and see what happens.
And the biggest tip to remember is: Always make friends first before getting into a serious relationship. Relationships take time to develop. Friends are easier to make and maintain.
You can tell from the suggestions received so far that there’s no single right way to go about approaching girls. And what might work best with one girl surely won’t work with the next - nor would what works with either girl necessarily work for a different guy. Or in a different time or place. Guys and girls are complicated beings, even though they often have simple instincts.
My advice to you is to focus on meeting people. When you get to know other students in a natural way, you will probably feel much better about yourself. Ultimately I think you will also have better luck in reading people and maybe sensing correctly which girls might be receptive to you in a more than just friendly manner. You may find that your first impressions that are based on superficial things are influenced by deeper things, like intelligence, humor, compassion, etc.