How do I change for good?

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>I am making a serious effort to become a different person. I am reading books and websites about social skills, body language, and manners. I've even read a Psychology Today article about mindfulness to get myself in the right mindset. I am writing notes about observations about how I am doing socially and what tips I should implement. I have a journal that keeps track of my progress day by day and to see whether my life is eventful or not.
I've joined four clubs and I'm active in all of them. Last week, I went to a psychology conference and made friends. In a few days I'm going to a concert with a few people from the school newspaper because one of them is interviewing the leader of a rock band. Next week I'm going to volunteer for a Sci Fi/Anime convention, but I'm not sure if I should go because my dad said that I'll look like a loser and normal people will avoid me.</p>

<p>Lately, I've been slipping up and losing track of my goals. I'm going back to spending too much time on the Internet like the loser I'm trying not to be anymore. How do I stop this for good?</p>

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<p>A memory from five years ago made me realize why I really can’t leave the need for success behind me. When I was fifteen, I was riding on a bike trail with my sister and her friends who were thirteen. One of them appears to be a nice, decent girl but her true personality came out in that bike trail. She was sick of me going too slow on the bike trail and decided that my sister and other friends should ditch me. I kept tagging along like a loser on the fringe of a peer group that didn’t give a damn. I tried to catch up to the point where I fell down the steps of the trail along with the bike. When we were on our way home everyone crossed the highway, then they kept riding along as I tripped on the curb and fell onto the sidewalk. Cars sped by me as this happened and honked their horns. It felt as if I almost got hit by a car.
Five years later she is now a freshman at Columbia University and I’m at a relatively unknown state school where I’m not doing anything significant or special. One of the people on the trail now has a full scholarship for Vanderbilt University. My sister gets compared to her by my parents who think that she is just settling for average while that girl is in Ivy League. My sister goes to a prestigious school. I wonder what my parents are really thinking about me.</p>

<p>My parents must not think that I’m worth very much. I feel that maybe if I was a better daughter. One that was smarter, thinner, cooler, and more interesting, I would have had more worth to them. They would like me better and think I’m worth it. I understand that the economy is tough, but they gave my sister a chance when they tried to pay for a school they couldn’t afford, but they don’t want to give me a chance for things that I actually need like a program that can help me with social skills. They even get reluctant and exasperated over paying for essential stuff like co-pay and medication. Thank goodness I now I have job and I can actually pay some of this stuff on my own.</p>

<p>I know that I can’t let others make me feel bad about myself, but this is what is driving me to do my goals.</p>

<p>Oh yeah, I’ll get off this website and get a life once someone tells me how to stay on track with my goals.</p>

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<p>I think you should go to the gym everyday, get buff as hell, become a fighter in some sort of professional league, and take out all these problems and the lack of love on the guy you’re fighting.</p>

<p>I know that’d make for one hell of a movie at least. Seriously though you seem like an angry person, I think working out would be good for you.</p>

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<p>I want to give you a hug.</p>

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<p>social skills may be necessarily but an Ivy league education isn’t, as has been said by pretty much every parent or college poster on this website so I’m honestly not going to go over that again. Don’t worry about not going to a prestigious school; a big state school has plenty of opportunities for advancement and involved as long as you’re willing to do a little online research and go to a couple of offices for information. I know it sometimes sucks not to just to be told about stuff (in my sub-college we’re not really told of any research/vollunteer stuff but for smaller schools like the biological sciences they have guest speakers and are emailed about things going on quite regularly), but I guess you’ll be a more motivated and independent person for doing that work on your own.</p>

<p>Sorry if your parents really are favoring your sister, but try to put their thoughts aside and work hard for your own sake. Maybe when you’ve shown some improvement, you can talk to them seriously about how you feel like they aren’t supporting you in your goals to be independent and responsible, that they’re kinda holding you back from getting better. Granted I don’t know what kind of parents you have, but if they genuinely care I’d think they’d be willing to change. If they simply put you down, you can really only tune them out or start making plans to live on your own. For me what really helped was moving into a dorm (I think you commute right?); it took me away from both my parents’ babying me and my mom’s really hurtful and quite regular criticism. Actually, being away from home seems to have lead to a better relationship overall because I guess I’m perceived to a be a bit more responsible now than I was. Not sure its possible for you, but maybe with a job you can try to do that.</p>

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<p><em>hugs</em> Continue to stand up for yourself.</p>

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You can’t learn social skills by reading books and websites :&lt;/p>

<p>Less reading, more talking. Just practice and you’ll get better.</p>

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<p>And here lies the problem.</p>

<p>If you want to go, go. If you don’t want to go, then don’t. But don’t choose whether or not to attend based on what others will think of you.
In fact, you should probably do a couple things that would make the “old you” mortified just to get out of that mindset.</p>

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<p>PlattsburghLoser has given you great advice—especially the advice in the last sentence. :)</p>

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<p>Wow, your family sound like total dbags and I think it’s sad you’re bending over backwards to try and please them. By all means, continue to reach for your goals, improve your social skills, or whatever it is that you want to do but don’t expect that doing X and Y will lead to them fawning all over you. Is that really what you want? </p>

<p>You’re like the quiet, plain girl in high school who wants the shallow, arrogant, football captain to fawn all over her and changes everything about herself to get attention from him, when he’s not worth going after. Pursue your goals for YOURSELF and not because you feel you need to make your parents fawn all over you.</p>

<p>Also, your parents don’t think Columbia is good enough but Vanderbilt is the shiz? I’m guessing you’re from Tennessee, but in the rest of the world, Columbia is Ivy League and very elite whereas Vandy is also very good but seen as a preppy boarding school for rich southern kids…so why do they think she is settling for just average?</p>

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<p>^ No, I just mentioned a kid on that bike trail years ago that happened to get a full scholarship to Vandy along with that girl who went to Columbia University. My parents know nothing about Vandy. My sister goes to Fordham and they just don’t think she’s trying hard enough and the high school friends she still hangs around with are too average. They’re probably right though as she does emphasize a lot on social life. She was compared to the Columbia girl.</p>

<p>Thank you everyone.</p>

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<p>BTW, I am going to that most likely geeky Sci Fi/Anime convention because I have some friends who invited me there and it seems interesting. I’ve never been to anything like that before and want to have new experiences :)</p>

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<p>I’ve told them about my goals and they outwardly seem supportive, but some of their actions are as if they want to hold me back by saying that I probably can’t handle or won’t like certain things. Then there are money issues (which I understand, btw…) They’re afraid of any change of my personality and it’s as if they secretly hope I don’t change enough to get out of their protection or preconceived notions.
I don’t care anymore, I’m going for the goal and anyone who gets in the way will be left behind…My overall goal is to become a completely different person by next year and it’s 100% guaranteed to happen if I work hard at it. I want my new self to be virtually unrecognizable from my former self.</p>

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<p>I feel the same way as you did. I’ve always had trouble making friends and being social around people. After I while I realized that it wasn’t too important to invite others into my life so I gave up the ambition of joining clubs, meeting new people, and trying hard to learn social cues. Eventually people started to gravitate me with little effort and I’ve become happy with the outcome. I have a small handful of friends that I enjoy being around.</p>

<p>Like you, I also want to be another person for intrinsic reasons and because my significant other secretly hates me. I’ve found temporary ways to seek gratification in myself such as working excessively and making money. My entire family is disappointed in me because I’m not very smart but I found a way to make a fortune to prove to them that my life isn’t entirely worthless. At least you weren’t told by your own parents that college is a waste of time because you’ll automatically fail due to your own stupidity.</p>

<p>I also work out excessively which helps me cope with how badly I hate myself. It’s paid off because I get a lot of attention from both sexes about how fit I am. If you don’t think you’re attractive, why not try to do that?</p>

<p>Besides, if you’re interested in the Sci Fi/Anime convention then go. The people that think you’re a loser are simply losers themselves because they still believe in social pecking order.</p>

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<p>That is a good idea. I signed up at an exercise forum to get tips. I recently did a few pushups and wondered why I didn’t exercise more often because it felt good. </p>

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<p>I know, it’s ridiculous. People take that kind of stuff way too seriously. I even see people overanalyzing such things on this forum. Forget the formula and just live your life. As long as you have good hygiene and you’re respectful, you’ll have decent friends with personalities that yours is compatible with. Oh yeah, no one should look desperate while they’re socializing either.</p>

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<p>That’s great! I’m getting quite a few friends too and I’ve realized the less I tried the more people gravitate and warm up to me. Just be cool and relaxed about it all.</p>

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<p>read some dostoyevsky and embrace being manic.</p>

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<p>^I’ve really wanted to read Notes from the Underground and The Brothers Karamazov because Dostoevsky is the best writer ever. I was reading Crime and Punishment until all this nonsense came up in my life. If there is anyone I want to write like, it’s him.</p>

<p>Sigurros is a great band, btw. You have great taste. I don’t get how I’m manic, but okay…</p>

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<p>Yeah I would have no idea if you are manic or what not, but reading Notes From Underground kinda cultivates the manic spirit. Just accept your quirks, and don’t allow arbitrary social crap to cause you stress. If you are down with good books and music I AM POSITIVE you will be able to find a chill group of friends who are into that sorta thing.</p>

<p>I haven’t listened to Sigur Ros in ages, but I will probably have to bust them out when I go to Iceland and New Zealand this summer.</p>

<p>What other bands/authors are you into? </p>

<p>I’m going to make a wild guess and say you like Radiohead :)</p>

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<p>Wow. You’re right. The last song I listened to before reading your post was Optimistic. They’re one of my favorite bands, if not the favorite. I like The Smiths, Muse, Keane, Coldplay, The Verve, Pearl Jam and others I can’t think of on the top of my head right now lol. I like classical music as well, I like Debussy, Tchaikovsky, Rimsky-Korsakov, Chopin, Eric Satie and Beethoven. I like a few random jazz pieces like Concierto de Aranjuez by Miles Davis, The Girl from Ipanema, John Coltrane’s My Favorite Things and Dave Brubeck’s Take Five. I like rap, but mostly stuff from the 90s and less mainstream stuff. I don’t know much about techno, but I like the Ishkur’s Guide to Electronic Music website.</p>

<p>Going to Iceland and New Zealand sounds so cool. I have a DVD about a documentary on Icelandic music and it’s wonderful. I don’t know much about music compared to most, so feel free to recommend some to me.</p>

<p>As for books:The Stranger, No Exit, The Glass Menagerie, The Picture of Dorian Gray, Kafka on the Shore, Sophie’s World, The Canterbury Tales, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Animal Farm, The Wind Up Bird Chronicle, Madame Bovary, Ender’s Game, Death of a Salesman, Of Mice and Men… </p>

<p>I like to read non-fiction as well. Especially psychology, biology and sociological books.</p>

<p>My favorite short stories are The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner, Sonny’s Blues, and The Folklore of Our Times. </p>

<p>As you can see, I’m obsessed with books… How about you? What else are you into?</p>

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<p>mmm hmm </p>

<p>Books: Gravity’s Rainbow, V., The Crying of Lot 49. (Kinda went through a Pynchon phase)
The Stranger, Dead Souls, other short stories by Gogol and Kafka. I especially liked the Hunger artist.</p>

<p>I also like reading books about the brain and other sciences so stufff by Stephen Pinker, Richard Dawkins, Daniel Dennett </p>

<p>A bunch more books and music, I’ll send you a PM</p>