How do I comfort my parents?

Parents Forum
21

<p>This is very unfair of your parents, to be blunt. I may have felt that way when my kids left, but I would never, ever say it to any of them.</p>

<p>Parents do adjust. It is a big change. You, and they, cannot stop time, honestly. It’s bittersweet for everyone.</p>

<p>Some of us try to get involved in new friends or activities BEFORE our kids leave, so they don’t feel the way you do.</p>

<p>I’m sorry but your parents need to get a grip and think about you, not themselves. They are dragging you down because of their own needs, when they should be thinking of your needs and encouraging your new endeavors.</p>

<p>I suggest you get some short term counseling, right now, so that you have an independent voice of support. That person could also talk to your parents.</p>

<p>There may be some factor I don’t know about, or a cultural factor of some sort, but without any information beyond what you provided, I really hope you don’t think again about not going.</p>

22

<p>Yep, unless you plan on staying at home for good, go ahead and go. Your parents are feeling anxious about a big change. They will adjust. And be careful about promising them TOO much of your time - you will have a lot of other claims on your time at school, and as T26E4 said, it’s not your job to spend extensive amounts of time comforting them. (Previous generations handled this issue by instigating bitter fights with their parents that ended with the line, “I can’t WAIT to get out of here!” And our parents couldn’t wait for us to leave. I don’t know where your generation went wrong) ;)</p>

23

<p>Look, you don’t have to deal with this much longer. You know this is the right thing to do, they know this is right. They are just having panic attacks, but don’t you do the same thing.</p>

<p>Just keep reassuring them that this is right, you will be very happy, and they will be fine. They can’t possibly have expected you to live with them forever. Just keep letting them know that you love them, appreciate them, and that you will never pull away from them. Even if you’re not there, you will be thinking of them, and you all will be fine!!</p>

24

<p>Wow…just wow. Your parents are putting a guilt trip on you just because you made a plan for college. It is time to tell them enough is enough. You shouldn’t be starting your college days with their chip on your shoulder. Tell them to stop laying their feelings on you. Tell them they are sabotaging you before you even start. And you have to stop feeding them by telling you that there will be daily calls and Skype.</p>

<p>I’ll give you an example. My mother used to compare me to a friend of mine who went to medical school. One day she did, my blood boiled and I said “Stop it. Don’t you ever do that to me again.” The funny part is she and my father pushed me in a direction that didn’t work for me. </p>

<p>Here’s the thing. If you don’t go, you will always wonder in the back of your mind what would have been.</p>

25

<p>Many many moons ago when I went to college- my roommate to be was from the same town. both of us came from an ethnic background where girls left home to get married. well when it was time to go off to college my parents were OK with it and said alot of their family said ‘how could you let your daughter do that?’…my roommate (oldest daughter and child) was devistated by her situation. she spoke to me about thinking about staying home and going to a community college and not leaving the home so as to please her mother. i remember saying ‘look, if you do not leave now, you never will’. she left and her mother refused to speak to her. her father sent wonderful cookie packages weekly. she met her future husband who was a grad student and still lives in that great college town. her mother after a few years ‘got over it’ i suspect when daughter number two graduated from high school and moved on the opposite end of the country to alaska. her mother became more civil and eventually accepted her well. i honestly believe had she not gone off to college her life would have not been as fulfilling.</p>

26

<p>I think it’s very kind of you to care enough to post a thread with the question you posed! </p>

<p>It seems ok to me that you talk to your parents about this. I think it’s ok if we share our feelings, but one of your feelings is that you’re getting depressed - do you really think your parents want this? Have you shared with them that you are considering staying at home because you have become so depressed? Maybe it seems like sharing that would go the wrong way - like they would say, “really, whoa, that’s great!” But the deposit has been made, right? They agreed, and if they haven’t done so already, will be writing that first tuition check soon. They do mean for you to go away from the sound of it.</p>

<p>I would urge you to be honest. Can you say, hey, you’re going to miss me and I’m going to miss you. It won’t be so bad, we’ll stay in touch. And you’re commenting on it every day is making me depressed and upset. Can we talk about this is a different way? Make a game? Every time they want to say something like how quiet it will be, they have to … I don’t know, put $5 in a box to go with you to college, or start working on your first care box, instead. Just be honest and respectful. Clear the air.</p>

<p>I sense a bit of frustration on your part. You write that you agreed to ‘waste’ $1500 per year to see them at every break. Maybe you can backpedal on that a bit. Can they come to see you? It will go much better in general if you are not the one to leave. Are they going to accompany you to move in to the dorm? Again, if they leave you it will go much easier than if you leave them. At least they won’t have to confront the quiet house right away. Maybe we’re not all the same, but I always find it easier to leave than to be the one left behind. </p>

<p>It seems like CC folks have a number of conflicting opinions, as usual, and some a little less sympathy for your parents than I do. But I wouldn’t judge them. You just need to work out a more positive dynamic with them. Maybe you can enlist more of their aid in getting ready, or maybe less - try to take some small steps just to change things a little. Sounds like you’re all in a bit of a rut. It doesn’t take a lot to get out. Just a small, manageable step a day will quickly lift you out of this. But do something different, that is the key to starting to shift things a bit.</p>

<p>Hope there’s something useful in all this for you. And good luck, as well as congratuations! Soon you’ll be in an exciting new environment. And your parents will begin to explore an exciting new phase of their life, too. Maybe you can remind them, gently, of that, too.</p>

27

<p>

</p>

<p>Got that right. But I cut back on the letters when first-class postage went from 6 cents to 8, then almost eliminated it when it went up to 10. Too rich for my blood.</p>

28

<p>One other thought: try humor. My D said the other day that she didn’t want to leave because I was so nice to her, she would miss it. I said, “well, I can fix that…” with a mischievous smile. We had a nice laugh. Maybe you can try something like that.</p>

29

<p>My brother wrote long, barely legible letters, which he xerox ed and sent to me, my sister and our mom. I replied to every letter I got and called long distance occasionally, on my own dime. My folks would speak for 3 minutes or less!</p>

<p>We talk with our kids maybe a few times per month or so and text them periodically.</p>

30

<p>We try to Skype once a week, usually on Sundays, but it doesn’t always work with D1’s schedule. She likes being in touch, though, and sometimes the Skype sessions will go on for a long time at her initiative. Texting is also easy and unobtrusive, and she’ll initiate the texts at least as often as we do. And with school breaks and holidays, she’s really only been away about 30 weeks a year, so far preferring to spend most breaks and summers at home. It helps that she’s got a hometown BF and a reliable job here which allows her to pick up some hours even during short breaks, but especially during the month-long break between semesters. So while we’ve definitely missed her, we’ve actually been able to stay much closer than we expected based on our own college experience.</p>

<p>It can be heart-wrenching when your child goes off to college, but it’s not the end of contact, not the end of the relationship, and most assuredly not the end of the world.</p>

31

<p>Ages and stages. Change any promises to call/Skype often. Once a week is fair, more often as mood and time permit. You need to be engaged in your school and not have one foot there, one at home. Remember the kindergarten analogy. Your parents have invested so much of their lives in you it is hard to change. But they have to let you mature into a true adult, independent and free to include/exclude them in your life. They will need to remember how they interacted with their parents at a similar age, what life was like before you were born and how they relate to their own parents.</p>

<p>This is a new and scary stage in life for both you and your parents. You both have a future without daily presence in each other’s lives. You NEED to go off to college without any well meant promises to keep in touch frequently. You need to learn to rely on resources within yourself and problem solve without them as much as you can. Daily conversations will blow little problems out of proportion as you will not have time to deal with them before adding them to your parents’ worry list (past CC threads about this added to my knowledge base on this). Both sides need to be able to deal with the other unavailable when called.</p>

<p>You will still love each other just as much. Your mother should not smother you- I saw this with my cousin and the sad life he led for so many decades. If your grandparents are still alive they may be able to help your parents deal with the leaving of a child.</p>

32

<p>Have you even spent time away from home? Summer sleep-away camp? A week visiting relatives without your parents? If not, they simply have no idea what to expect.</p>

<p>Have they centered their universe around you and your activities? Do they have a life of their own, with their own set of friends, not just parents of your friends? If not, again they may simply have no idea what to expect, and may feel like they won’t be welcome by those whose kids are still around and involved.</p>

<p>If their life has centered around your activities (soccer mom, band parent, etc) those groups will still welcome them, and will have plenty to keep them busy. In fact, without you around, they may have more time to devote to whichever activity they enjoy the most. Or they can find new activities.</p>

<p>You feel bad for them, but if you attend a local college, all you are accomplishing is pushing your move-out date farther off. Right now you have the opportunity to life away from them temporarily, and see if you like it. After 4 years of college, you might choose to return to your hometown, or you might move on. But you also might decide you prefer your hometown, and move back home. Remind them that many years ago, they moved out of their parents’ homes, too. Their parents - your grandparents - survived, and probably thrived. They will too.</p>

33

<p>Aww…you guys are making me tear up.</p>

<p>I dropped my daughter off yesterday at her school (not even university yet, though it is on a campus and all classes are college level). </p>

<p>It’s HARD for us. But my mom always said that you raise your kids to leave you and then you know you have done your job. We need to not dump it on our kids if possible.</p>