How do I make friends with your son & daughter?

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi college's parents</p>

<p>I post this in the college life forums, and a parents/professor said that I should try posting in the parent's forum.</p>

<p>Hi parents, I don't know how it happen, but my first year in college, my parents were going through a divorce and for the first month, I was really depress. After that initial month had passed, everyone seem to have form their own group of friends, and I didn't belong to any of them. I sort of went crazy, I couldn't concentrates on my study and end up almost on academic probation. Fortunately I didn't, but my grade were barely passing. Needless to say, I was alone that whole time, and every weekend drove me crazy to the point that I was becoming suicidal because of it. I had a very hard time just trying to get out of bed because I knew I had no one to hang out with and beside school works, there was nothing else to do.</p>

<p>The whole summer I was so worry that as a Sophomore, since I was still gonna dorm with the freshman hoping that at least I can make some friends. I was afraid that if they know I was a sophomore, they would assume I have friends already. Well none of that happen, I came to school late this new school year because I was attending my cousin's wedding out of state. I came right on the same day that instruction began, and at first I thought it was still possible to make friends, but as the weeks passes by, it became much harder, until now when the first quarter is almost done. This is no joke people, I'm getting very desperate, I even try joining a frat to make friends but I didn't get in.</p>

<p>I talk to my mom on the phone last night for over an hour, pouring my heart out, and crying. She didn't understand the whole time, she said it was alright to not have any friends, and that colleges is all about studying. I'm already alone this whole time, and now not even my mom understands what I am going through. I'm trying my best just to attends every class, doing all my school works even though majority of the time I lack the motivation and energy to do those things.</p>

<p>I don't know what to do at this point, I'm going to worry over Christmas break and will dread coming back to school.</p>

<p>If someone is reading this, please give me any advices or suggestions.</p>

<p>Thanks</p>

2

<p>I'm so sorry you're having such a bad time. Most of the close friends I made at college were people I met doing ECs I was interested in - have you joined any clubs or groups? I found people who were interested in volunteering/service particularly welcoming and friendly. There are usually lots of different areas you can get involved in, so if you have a particular passion (e.g. environmental stuff) you'll be able to find like-minded people around somewhere. </p>

<p>Your mother is wrong, by the way. College is not just all about studying - it's about finding out who you are as a person, growing into the person you want to be.</p>

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<p>Hi Collegeboi-
I agree with the above post. See if there is a volunteer organization on campus and look into joining that. Most importantly I would seek support through campus ministry and student health services. Depression and thoughts of suicide are nothing to fool around with. Confide in an adult from either one of the above. They will help you.</p>

4

<p>Does your school have the APO service fraternity or a Habitat for Humanity chapter or a Youth Ending Hunger type club? These groups need all the help they can get with their service projects and the members will welcome you.</p>

<p>Do you live in a dorm? Help your RA with set up and or clean up for activities.</p>

<p>By any chance do you dance? Ballroom dance clubs welcome dancing guys - there is usually a bit of a boy shortage. :)</p>

<p>What are the newspaper and radio station and theater groups like at your school? Do they need behind-the-scenes help editing or scheduling or helping with sets/tickets? At some schools, groups like these have lots of kids for the limelight positions and really appreciate help with other aspects of running their programs.</p>

<p>Are you using facebook? This is how college kids make social plans - you need to be on it.</p>

<p>When you meet a new group of people, do not talk about having no friends, okay? It is okay to say you want to add more people to your circle of friends, but I'd even avoid that if I were you. Relax and let new friendships happen naturally.</p>

<p>Good luck! We are rooting for you.</p>

5

<p>OP - have you thought about getting a job on campus? That will get you out of your room and give you the opportunity to meet new people. Good luck to you.</p>

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<p>Stop by your college counseling center. It is not a black mark or shameful. They deal with student adjustment issues all the time. You want to get help getting out of the negative feedback loop you are in. Going to activities will help IF you learn how to seem approachable and not withdrawn. </p>

<p>Going to activities will help but when you are feeling depressed or fearful of success, others pick up on it. You need to learn how to "fake it until you make it". Stick that welcoming look on your face, take a deep breath, and start a conversation - small talk. Ask about the other person's views. Pretend to be open and interested in others until it becomes an actuality. Your counseling center can help you develop the skills.</p>

7

<p>Smile and and or say Hi to people you pass - walking to class, on your hall, the people you sit next to in the lecture hall. After a couple weeks of this you will start to be known as that friendly quiet kid. As people become more used to being spoken to by you, start with small talk- what are other classes they are in, did they read about __ in the college newspaper, which dining hall has the best food.</p>

<p>You are in a freshman hall. Talk to the RA or keep and eye out for the kids that were like you last year or that seem homesick. Any international kids with funny takes on American society?</p>

<p>Swing by office hours more than once just for a quick chat with the professor. For the most part, professors like getting to know the students. My dad used to have meals with students and would have his class and other students over to our house for dinner (LAC situation).</p>

<p>Developing these skills is really hard but in the end you will be better for pulling through. It may be hard to tell but plenty of people are "faking it" right now, esp the freshmen. They are just a little ahead of you with how to pull it off. Let us know how it goes.</p>

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<p>Yes, most of the freshmen are faking being happy and adjusted. Many are homesick, and most are still looking for friends. Out of loneliness and desperation, many are clinging desperately to people whom they don't even like that much.</p>

<p>I agree that the best way to make friends is to get involved in extracurriculars that interest you. Religious groups and community service organizations and projects especially are welcoming. There probably will be at least one community service project for the Dec. holidays. Get involved in that.</p>

<p>Try out any group that interests you even if you haven't done that activity before. College is a wonderful time to try new things. My son is a college soph, and has gotten involved in several things he'd never done before. These included making a film, getting involved in ballroom dance, learning a martial art. He made lots of friends that way. You don't have to be perfect at something to join a club related to it. It's fine to learn while being involved.</p>

<p>It also is a great idea to use the campus counseling center. When I was in grad school studying psychology, I interned at one. They are excellent resources for students including those undergoing exactly the type of concerns that you have. The counseling center can help you develop stronger social skills and can help you lift your spirits and confidence.</p>

<p>Also look for people to befriend. Because you're a soph, the freshmen probably look up to you. After all, you have more experience than they have on campus. Reach out to others, and you'll get friends that way.</p>

<p>If you're not assertive about being friendly to people -- especially in your mostly freshmen dorm -- students may misinterpret your behavior to think you are unfriendly, snobbish or condescending. This is particularly true in your dorm where the freshmen may think you're not interested in being friends with them. After all, you are a sophisticated (in their eyes) soph.</p>

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<p>Another activity to try out is drama - you don't have to act - you can help build sets and stuff like that.</p>

10

<p>Yes, the theater crowd tends to be a very friendly, interesting, welcoming group of people, and there are lots of opportunities to get involved even if you aren't interested in acting.</p>

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<p>Daily exercise can be a significant help toward relieving feelings of depression.
Get a campus job to occupy your time while making friends with other students.
See a school counselor.
Ask a school chaplain, priest, minister or rabbi for advice.</p>

<p>The difficulty that you are having is that you're seeking solace from those who are not equipped to help you with your current emotional state of mind. Freshmen & sophomores in college are not trained mental health advisors; nor are they spiritual advisors.</p>

12

<p>You might try ordering/reading this book; it's got lots of great info on social skills, ignoring negative people, making connections, feeling good:</p>

<p>Amazon.com:</a> Intimate Connections: David D. Burns: Books</p>

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<p>This is a hard time, but you can come through it. The reason that clubs, organizations, and service activities, etc., are the way to go is that they are task-oriented. This is a much easier way to get to know people than trying to break into established social groups. So if you are one of seven people volunteering to do a community service project, you get to know them through working together toward a common goal. Conversations come naturally rather than feeling forced and self-conscious. </p>

<p>Others have said, and I agree, do make a point of being friendly even if it's just smiling or saying hi when passing someone in the hallway. It doesn't mean that you are necessarily trying to make that person your friend, but it's establishing yourself as a friendly person. </p>

<p>I know that when you are depressed and lonely it is hard to get yourself to DO these things even if you know you should. You might have to force yourself. But do it. Pick a few things and try them, even if they are new to you. Give them a chance -- don't give up right away. </p>

<p>Do get counselling as you go through this time. It's really important and it will comfort you. Don't give up on that, either.</p>

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<p>Also, stay away from alcohol or drugs for a year or so. They will only make feelings of lonliness & depression worse. It is important to know that time heals all wounds--including emotional scars. Six months from now, you won't even recognize your current "self".</p>

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<p>An important thing to keep in mind - don't give up if the first few people you try new skills on do not click and become friends. As Heron said, keep practicing and become a friendly person. You don't have to be an outgoing extrovert, just kind and welcoming. It will come eventually. Just don't give up and hole up in your room.</p>

16

<p>In addition to the above suggestions--</p>

<p>Do you play sports at all? Intramurals can be a good way to meet people. You don't have to be great. </p>

<p>WITHOUT STALKING become an audience. On every college campus, there are tons of activities for which audiences are limited. Go to a performance of the student orchestra, dance troupe, improv group, junior varsity sports team--any group that doesn't get a lot of fans. Go early; ask if they need any help passing out programs or cleaning up afterwards. You don't have to be an expert or fake that you are. You can say "I've never seen a lacrosse/field hockey/water polo game. I came out of curiousity. " Most people who are involved in something LOVE to explain it. </p>

<p>If someone on your floor writes for the paper or has a radio show on the campus station, read/listen and comment enthusiastically. Volunteer to be the fire warden or recycling chair or whatever for your floor/dorm. </p>

<p>Read the calendar for your college. There's usually one on line or in the school paper. Read through all the lectures, films, plays, and other events that are free or low cost. Go to at least one a week. Again, if at all possible, get there early. People waiting for something to start will often start talking among themselves. </p>

<p>I agree whole-heartedly with the advice to get involved with community service. There's usually some sort of activity for Thanksgiving and Christmas--serve dinner in a soup kitchen, collecting Toys for Tots, etc.</p>

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<p>How about this for another break the ice idea: buy a couple of cookie sheets and prepared cookie dough. Bake them in the dorm kitchen at about 10:30 at night. The smell of fresh warm cookies will bring people out of the woodwork. Do this on a regular timetable like every Tuesday night.</p>

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<p>It's important that the things you choose to do are things that you do WITH other people. Some activities keep you active, but they are not group oriented. Other people might be doing them as well, but you aren't necessarily doing them in a way that involves cooperative work or conversation. Group service, theater, language clubs, etc., are examples of activities that foster bonds with others. And there are many others like those.</p>

<p>The other thing that occurs to me is that when you have a chance, ask other people about themselves. If you have the opportunity to say, "How are you doing?" or "How are your classes going?" or "I love your sweater" or something like that (if you are a girl) -- again, these aren't designed to get people to be your friends, but they do break the ice. Again, you don't need or want to be forceful or needy about it, just easy comments.</p>

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<p>I think Heron makes a great point. You can never go wrong by showing genuine interest in other people. Asking questions, getting people to talk about themselves, listening to their answers. People it seems like to talk about themselves, and they will find the person who gets them to do so very interesting to be with :)</p>

<p>If you are on the quiet side, it means you don't have to talk so much which some find easier to do. And if you find it difficult to keep a one on one conversation going, you might find it useful to think up questions you can adjust to any situation, that you can use when you need to. Try to think of questions that will yield not a one word answer but ones that will get people talking and opening up. And take it from there.</p>

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<p>First semester friends rarely end up being full 4-year friends for all of the reasons described above. I agree with the "get involved" mantra that has been posted -- look at the newspaper and the bulletin boards and just start going to the organizations that interest you. </p>

<p>This may sound off the wall, but take a clue from the t-shirts/sweatshirts that kids are wearing. The logos/names/etc. tell the tale of what somebody is doing, where they're from, where they've vacationed, etc. If somebody is wearing a shirt with Greek letters, just ask them how they like Kappa Kappa Gamma or whatever. Believe me, if you were to see my S wearing one of his innumerable fire/rescue shirts and say "Hey, I see your shirt. Are you a volunteer firefighter", you could end up having a 30 minute conversation. Of course, at the end of it he'd be trying to drag you down to the station to sign up, but that's a whole different issue :)</p>