I worked at a major benefits consulting firm in the late 80s – most of the folks were math majors, and then there were folks like me who were polisci/journalism types but who could handle enough of the math to get the job done. The ones who got promoted in my department were the ones with writing and communication skills. I spent a lot of time editing and teaching those math majors how to write!
S1 has always been an excellent writer and it has served him well in his math/CS endeavors in HS, college and in the workforce.
@surphe, I can understand not wanting to tell your parents. Considering your reluctance, I would start with the campus mental health folks. Make an appointment with one of their psychologists or social workers and describe to them what you’ve described here. They will drive the discovery process, realization, decisions and ultimately actions. I think a significant aspect would be to help you build up your self-esteem so you can begin to have the confidence to make your own decisions to run your life instead of running your life the way your dad wants you to run it.
If you want to know what you want to major in and do with your working life, it’s much easier if you can do so with a clear head that’s free of anxiety. Otherwise you might make decisions for the wrong reasons.
Lots people go through life never getting control of their anxiety issues. Realize that your life will be far, far more interesting and fun if you’re not one of them. Now is an excellent time in your life to conquer this issue and put it behind you for the rest of your life.
I told my mom two days ago and I was surprised to see that she was okay with it. She simply said “just retake them next semester,” and she was happy to hear about my As in Theater History and English.
Today, I finally got the courage to tell my father, and he was really disappointed. I wanted to open up the entire major issue with him, but it didn’t work out too well. He didn’t yell or anything, but I could tell from his change in tone that he was disappointed. It’s that calm-mad kind. He said “This is the first time I hear about an engineer failing a math class,” (he didn’t even care about chem or my As and B). I told him “I studied and I tried, but I couldn’t get it.” He said “Well you need to study more.” I said “I just don’t understand any of this. I don’t get calculus. It doesn’t play to my strengths, I’m better in other stuff.” He said “So how did you get through calculus 1?” And I told him about how I memorized the things, he said “That won’t work in calculus. You need to study.” I said once more “I’m better at other things than math, I can easily get an A in the liberal arts classes with barely any studying.” Right about then, I was getting ready to open up the major issue with him. But he said in a very rhetorical manner “So what do you want? You wanna get out of engineering?” It felt like the only acceptable answer I could say is “no,” so that’s what I said, and the conversation ended there. Then I just added that I’ll study more next semester and get through it, and he said I should start by studying now since I have a break, so I said I will, and then we said goodbyes and that’s about it.
EDIT: He also added that he can help me study math a bit when he comes to visit.
Now I got one thing out of the way. Next, I’ll figure out my entire anxiety problem and the major dilemma I’m in. I called my physician to try and schedule an appointment with him so I can talk to him about it and have him transfer me to a therapist, but he’s currently on vacation and should be returning on the 10th I believe. So I’ll call him again then. I’ll probably have to open up the major issue with my mom instead, since she’s much more accepting and easier to deal with than my dad.
But anyway, thanks for all the support! You have no idea how much it helped me and cleared things up in my head. I really appreciate it. Once again, thanks!
Surphe, I AM IMPRESSED!! You really dove in and started taking care of business. One step at a time. Your life will be changing for the better before you know it.
Work through your mother. Tell her about your major thing. She can be your ally. And it seems that your dad may be the intimidating sort (and not even if he means to be). I can empathize with that. Unfortunately, many engineers aren’t known for thinking outside the box.
BTW, CS is more logic than math. I hated calculus, never got the intuition for it, and enjoyed CS and programming.
Finally, you could consider majoring in philosophy. Many members of your family may laugh at that choice, but you could show them average salaries for philosophy grads. I believe it’s quite high because if you study analytic philosophy (the dominant strain in the US), you’d have a strong grasp on logic, and all philosophy majors have to write.
Think of this as an assignment: a legal case, where you have to marshall evidence to support your position and be able to anticipate rebuttals.
Maybe find research showing that people who study what they love do better.
Finally, work. Any work. Become self-reliant. It’d help with social anxiety as well, I think. And when you have to work with strangers, picture them naked.
PS and the social anxiety: definitely don’t hide it from at least your mom. Imagine that your mom had cancer but hid it from you. Then told you that she was going to die in a month. How would you feel? So why would you want to hide your social anxiety from her?
This reminds me of myself when I tried to hide a bad result from my parents. But sooner or later they will come to know and rather than knowing from others or through other sources, I now know, it is much better to confess on your own.
Surphe – YOU control your major, not your parents. I realize that you don’t want to disappoint them, but you do have the ability to take steps to change your major on your own, and then come back to them later when the decision has already been made. If you aren’t sure, then figure out a plan for the coming semester that gives you more room to explore and also give you the opportunity to meet core requirements for graduation. Hold off on the decision as to whether to retake the courses you failed – even if you do retake them at some point, I think you should only attempt one at a time, to avoid another disastrous semester.
But I think the best thing you can do is have a GOOD semester that also helps you get a better sense of what you want to do in school-- also keep in mind the various career-exploration suggestions I made. Again, your major does not have to equate to your career – but it helps to have some goals in mind.
I’m not suggesting that you deceive your parents – but it is going to be a whole lot easier if you come to them with a decision-- and have the ability to say that you made your decision after talking to college advisers. You might start thinking about summer jobs or internships too.
It sounds like your mom really just wants to see you happy and fulfilled. Your dad really showed that he has a one-track mind with his engineering comment – but you were cornered because your answer would have been, “I don’t know what I want to do” – perfectly ok for a college freshman, but it won’t help you talking to a man who apparently thinks that his career is the only thing possible. So you will be much better off if the conversation goes something like this-- “I decided to change majors. I am now majoring in __.” When he says, “how are you going to possibly make a living with a major in _!” - you will say, "I talked with the career office, and they gave me examples of jobs that recent ___ grads have "-- and list a few. Maybe he’ll then scoff at those jobs - it’s a good chance that he will never think they are good enough – but you’ll be a lot better off if you know what you are doing than if you seem clueless.
I’d note that your dad and I agree on one thing: you can’t use memorization for calc 2. It just isn’t going to work.
The problem is that your dad’s “help” isn’t going to be enough, because it is likely that you are missing foundational concepts going back to high school algebra or trig, since you’ve been using the memorization strategy all along.
I’d add that you must have an absolutely phenomenal memory! It would be a tremendous asset in a lot of jobs. It’s just that you need to someday have a job that makes you feel good about yourself … and right now your “job” is to try to figure out what that might be.
I am so proud of you! That is a really truly admirable course of action that puts your needs first – and that’s a healthy thing to do. Remember that the way you feel today is not the way you will feel forever. Life is always presenting opportunities to change course, re-evaluate, or retrench.
When an engineer says “So, you want to get out of engineering?” it’s the closest he’ll get to saying, hey, maybe you should. Hear it as your dad acknowledging that maybe it’s a poor fit or makes you unhappy. I have many engineers in my life and what people don’t understand is that it is as much a personality/talent as being an artist. You just can’t force yourself to be that person. You are, or you aren’t. Nobody says “Go study painting more! If you just did color studies for more hours, you could be Renoir”. If the door to a change opens, you have to be the one to walk through it. See your dad’s comment as a partly open door. What do YOU want? What does your heart say?
Get yourself feeling better, don’t give up (don’t ever give up) and know that we are cheering for your good outcomes!
Maybe he has been sheltered? There are probably plenty of engineers that have had to retake math classes at tough schools. Prime example that I’ve heard about… Calc2 at CO School of Mines.