How do we deal w/ this teacher who wrongly "counseled" our S

Parents Forum
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<p>Actually not this school (we had a problem with a prior school & that principal was fired recently!). We did have a problem at this school with a chemistry teacher who stopped teaching after her divorce but we didn't complain because SO MANY others complained that it wasn't necessary for us to do so (no labs, no instruction -- just had the kids read their books in class).</p>

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<p>JMParent: >>>> I think that at the very least, the school should adopt the policy that if a teacher has a concern about a child, he/she should address the parents with their concern, not the child.</p>

<p>Telling a child she knew of a student 'like them' who comitted suicide is irresponsible and potentially harming. At least the parent would have the ability to weed out an insensitive, but possibly 'well meaning' concern. <<<<</p>

<p>That was our position. We felt that a concerned teacher should come to the parents.</p>

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<p>Drosselmeier response to another's post:</p>

<p>citygirlsmom's post >>> Why was the reaction of your son so deep? So lingering? So damaging?>>></p>

<p>Dros' post: >>>Try to keep in mind that a teacher is in a position of real authority. So, if you have a teacher dumping on a child like this teacher did, well, that kid likely will feel seriously hurt by it – especially if he is the sensitive sort. I don’t think it is something out of the ordinary to have this kid be really disturbed by this at all. Shoot. If I had a teacher tell me this stuff, even today, I’d probably get at least a little shaken up. For a few seconds there I’d have to ask myself “Am I really messed up? Am I gonna end up sleeping on a grate somewhere? Am I Ted Kozinski?”<<<</p>

<p>Exactly. The words from one therapist were, "kids look to their teachers for information."</p>

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<p>Faline2: >>>>gee, I feel for you in this one since all the air would have cleared if the teacher could have simply apologized for exceeding her boundaries and making intrusive assessments without the qualifications. A simple "what was I thinking!?" would have done wonders to help you move on.
I worked for many years as a licensed therapist. Therapy is meaningless without an oral contract between counselor and client, and the subject matter covered in sessions takes time to explore and negotiate..which is called Problem definition...a process that is joint and sometimes more of an art than a science. (hmm, I guess you all are wondering when your son made a "contract" with this adult for counseling?) The client has a big role in defining the territory addressed in counseling hours.
This interaction had none of the components of a legitimate attempt at counseling.<<<<<<</p>

<p>I totally agree..... a simple, "what was I thinking" would have been nice. Or, an "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it that way." I am glad to hear from another therapist.</p>

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<p>I agree..... she had "poor boundaries" and extrapolated from her past inappropriately. I do think that she "meant well" but that is not the issue. I also agree with some others that she doesn't like it when kids strive for "A's". Perhaps she was not an "A" student in many/most subjects and resents those who are (I don't know). </p>

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<p>We are past "talking about it" with our son. (H and I talk about it amongst ourselves). We have told him that her words were wrong and misguided.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the link and all your other words of advice....</p>

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<p>jlauer - I have no wisdom on the whys. What is done is done. So now what? I would tie this thing down at the top and the bottom and ignore the middle.</p>

<p>The top is to make sure this is documented so the teacher cannot punish your son with grades. Send some kind of a letter to whoever is in charge, principal, diocese, whatever. Because a person who would say that to a kid so clumsily might strike out in retaliation and organizations usually do bond to protect their own. So document to protect you and your kid.</p>

<p>The bottom is your kid. To hell with the rest of this. Just make sure he understands that adults can be really messed up and let him process and analyze - whatever his methods are, what happened. I mean, if he is fine as a kid then he is fine. Then he will be resilient and he will process this OK and learn. Just help him find the words and constructs to make clear what happened.</p>

<p>The middle? That would be trying to change the teacher or the situation or whatever. Don't bother. Institutions are intractable, that's what I've learned over time. They will wear you out before they get tired. So document, and hang with your son. Any change in the teacher, since her act was not criminal, will have to come over time and you can't effect change in the short time you have left at the school and your efforts to do so could just wreck your kid's senior year.</p>

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<p>citygirlsmom about "mean girl bullying": </p>

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<p>We are blessed that there is virtually no bullying at this school (amazing). But at the prior school there was "mean girl" bullying (my kids are boys - so they were spared!) and the diocese and principal were simply at a loss about how to deal with it. What did your school/diocese do to stop mean girl bullying (mean girls can be sooooooo sneaky that it can be hard for adults to "catch it" in the act.)</p>

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<p>Yeah, bullying by girls can be devastating. My daughter was a victim from 2nd thru 6th grade (3 different schools <sigh>), but fortunately found a nice circle of friends for 7th & 8th. She switched schools in 9th grade & has found some "soul mates" to hang out with over the past two years. We're all delighted!</sigh></p>

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<p>marepbm:</p>

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<p>Actually, the school counselor woudl have done a MUCH better job handling this situation. She is very sensitive and kind and loving. AND SHE would have called US first!!!! She just went to a seminar to identify girls who "cut" (so far, none at this school) and she told me about the seminar. I could tell that SHE would have known how to properly handle this situation.</p>

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<p>The class will be over by mid May so there's no point in moving him this year. He won't have her as a teacher next year. THANK GOD!!! Next year, his teachers will be familiar to him -- he's had them all before and loves them (and they love him!) It should be a great senior year. I just tell him that we'll be glad when this school year is over (a couple of weeks). Yea!</p>

<p>Frankly, I am CERTAIN that this teacher will make similar mistakes with other students and other parents will come forth and complain. Once that happens, the admin won't be able to continue pretending that there is nothing wrong with what this teacher says and does. </p>

<p>I think that the admin are actually intimidated by her PhD!!</p>

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<p>sjmom: </p>

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<p>Yes, I think it will be very powerful for the teacher and admin to read the words from these real therapists. One therapist said that the fact that the admin and this teacher see nothing wrong with her words is further proof that they aren't qualified to make such assessments. </p>

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<p>and, can I add..... "Why woudl you think she knows you better than your mom and dad do?"</p>

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<p>I tried to respond to everyone's posts. If I missed someone, I am sorry. </p>

<p>EVERYONE had something meaningful to say. I read each post carefully and am grateful that y'all took the time to carefully come up with a thoughtful response. </p>

<p>Thanks. </p>

<p>If there are more posts, I will read those, too.</p>

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<p>alum>>>><br>
I would tie this thing down at the top and the bottom and ignore the middle.</p>

<p>The top is to make sure this is documented so the teacher cannot punish your son with grades. Send some kind of a letter to whoever is in charge, principal, diocese, whatever. Because a person who would say that to a kid so clumsily might strike out in retaliation and organizations usually do bond to protect their own. So document to protect you and your kid.<<<<</p>

<p>Yes, we do fear this and will do as you and others have recommended. Excellent advice</p>

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<p>Agree. We are confident that this teacher will do something inappropriate like this again and others will come forth and complain. Once that happens, we will feel vindicated to the admin!!!!</p>

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<p>jlauer95,</p>

<p>
[quote]
One girl "erupted" one day about the teacher's grading methods and had to be taken outside to the hall and teacher implied that MY shy son's attitude about grades has infected the others."

[/quote]
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<p>The teacher described it as "erupting"? My goodness, but she is poetic. Perhaps if your son is interested in creative writing, you point out that the teacher's behavior is the sort of thing novelists and playwrites get their material from. Also - if one can take a step back and look at the person as a person (which the teacher clearly never bothered to do) - it may be easier to disassociative oneself from the situation. </p>

<p>Citygirlsmom -
sorry if I caused offense - none was intended.</p>

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<p>ohio: yes, she is poetic...... & very emotional. She is the only one I know who spent weeks telling the kids that the story, "The Giving Tree" is about a girlfriend who gives everything to her ungrateful boyfriend. I thought the story symbolized motherhood and the giving to one's child.</p>

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<p>Oy. Thank heavens the year is almost over.</p>

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<p>I have NEVER read or considered the "Giving Tree" to have been about anything than a parent (mother)'s sacrifices for child. It has even been used in a sermon at our Catholic church to stand for that.</p>

<p>This teacher sounds pretty far "out there." My D had a teacher that was sort of like this. The teacher kept asking my daughter if she had any eating disorders in front of the whole class (she doesn't but is petite). She also spent an extended period of time talking about child molestation in class and asking the children if anyone was a victim. She was very odd & I decided not to intervene because my daughter preferred I not.</p>

<p>She had another teacher who made the kids cry because she was always yelling & screaming. Daughter decided to drop out of the class (it was "Gifted & Talented"). The principal asked her why she was dropping & (in my presence) she told the principal she was unhappy being subjected to yelling & having her classmates cry; principal was shocked. Because the teachers were union employees (public school), the union backed the teachers up & they remained at the school until they chose to transfer.</p>

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<p>hi jlauer...I'm so sorry this happened to your son. Gosh sometimes ya could just throttle the well-meaning morons, couldn't ya? </p>

<p>I rec'd a phone call from one my d's teacher...relaying an 'incident' in her classroom where my d had been disrespectful to her in front of the 'entire class'. She also said my d had an alpha personality, was a leader and had the capacity to incite others to disrespect as well. The whole conversation was short on detail and long on criticism. Of course, I was embarrassed and shocked. Throughout her school years, I had only received compliments about my child. Teachers loved her and couldn't say enough nice things or do enough for her. </p>

<p>Well, after talking to my daughter that afternoon, I got the details. One of the girls in the classroom, who had 'issues', had started making racial slurs against one of my d's classmates. This namecalling had been an ongoing problem all school year (the girl has a skinhead boyfriend) and her classmates had put up with her abuse before. This time, when my d stepped up to defend her friend, she started calling my d the same name, loudly....taunting her and trying to humiliate her. My d, and others, tried to respond with a logical argument, but they were only drowned out by the girl's namecalling. Incredibly, the teacher decided this would be the perfect moment to pick up a camcorder to record the whole thing. My d protested...told the teacher she should have put a stop to the namecalling instead of picking up a camcorder. Conveniently, the teacher failed to mention any of these details to me. She was irked that my d would tell her how to discipline the classroom and she had the harshest criticism for my d because the other girl had a 'poor upbringing' and nothing better could be expected from her. Incredibly, she actually defended this girl to me. </p>

<p>So I guess I concur with the others who suggest you make your feelings about your son's teacher known to him. My husband and I pulled no punches...we told our daughter her teacher was an idiot. Sometimes I think parents feel it is their job to make sure their kids are perfectly behaved conformists...I know I feel that pressure. But truthfully, there are times when it is appropriate to stand up and make a scene...even if you are only a kid. And I think it is okay for our children to see the adults in their lives as flawed or imperfect...sometimes flagrantly so, as in the case of your son's teacher.</p>

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<p>HImom:</p>

<p>I am truly SHOCKED that ANY teacher (or adult) would ask a child if she had any eating disorders!! especially in front of others!!! My goodness!!! I think that this is more shocking than my story because your d's situation happened in class!</p>

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<p>How awful!!!! I think that those small tape recorders and a visit to a local TV station would cure this problem.</p>

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<p>In the long run, we help our kids more by validating their judgments than by intervening & trying to run interference for them. Sometimes I FEEL I'd like to get involved but I always ask my kids what they prefer, since inevitably there will be fall out & consequences. My kids have generally preferred that they handle the situation themselves & we honor them & support them in their mature choices.</p>

<p>My kids say they're tired of "life lessons," because we tell them there are all kinds of folks in this world & some might be as imperfect as those they meet at school--teachers & classmates. Validating our kids is so vital--we can do that regardless of whether our kids choose to have us get involved in the situation or not.</p>

<p>It is scary some of the folks who are in positions where they have authority over kids when they don't actually like kids & can't figure out how to work with them. <shudder></shudder></p>

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<p>idmom: </p>

<p>Wow.... that is quite a story too. I also think that there are times (rarely, thankfully) that parents need to tell their kids that they don't have to agree with all their authority figures. I do want my kids to be "respectful" (no eye rolling, etc). But if an authority figure was to do something obviously wrong (say, unfairly be mean to another kid) I would want my kid to politely speak up.</p>

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<p>It happened not once but SEVERAL times in class, in front of ALL her peers. D had a very hard time at that school. D & I were afraid to make things worse by talking with the principal about it (tho we were both close to the principal). It was a public school & D was only in the 3rd grade & NEW as well (the only new kid). The odd thing was D was & is about the same size & body type as about 1/2 the girls in the class & many of the boys as well. They're just thin, as are their parents & sibs & the teacher! Her pediatrician has always said D was 10% for height & 5% for weight from birth. She's now 25% for height & still 5% for weight.</p>

<p>It is tough to know how to best deal with insensitive (or nuts) people with authority over our kids. It is painful to know they're enduring it but also excruciating to think you might make things worse for the child. What can we say, it was a pretty awful year between those two off-the-wall teachers. </p>

<p>I am glad my daughter is strong and resiliant, but sad for the experiences she has endured which have made her so strong.</p>