How do you handle these issues with your "young adults"?

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<p>I won't even get in to the whole history because it would take pages and pages of time I do have. Let's shorthand it with gifted learner, tanked some HS classes, late diagnosis of ADHD depression poss bipolar, shoplifting, completely tanked first sem of college, drinking to black outs, sneaking alcohol, DUI. Took her out of school, made her earn her way back but road has been bumpy. Is now 22, taking slow route through extremely expensive private university, is making progress but not out of woods. Still drinks daily, in secret. Chronic liar. Husband wants to look at the positives. Hard for me since I know how comfortable she is with lying.</p>

<p>Have tried "tough love". It isn't getting us anywhere either. She just hates me for it but loves her father. I hate that I hate having her home. She plans to be a "stay at home child" and to return here after college. Is putting dibs on younger siblings rooms for her storage and office needs. Gave her our credit card for emergencies while studying abroad. Made it clear it is for needs not wants. Took it back upon her return because she does not respect those guidelines. She memorized the number and is still using it. I can get a new number issued but she will just find it and memorize it and use it. She has spent $185 unauthorized this week alone PLUS I had to pay $185 for reinstatement of her DUId license. She worked retail last year but spent 90% of what she earned on employee discounted merchandise and parking tickets.</p>

<p>Besides setting a bad example for them, she creates negativity and discontent among her younger siblings.</p>

<p>I don't have a question. Just need to find a group of parents to share parenting hell with. I could really use a "play group" like we had when they were toddlers. I need the input from other parents.I question every decision I/we make. Too harsh? Not harsh enough? Too lenient? Too strict? ugh </p>

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<p>I have friends who have similar situations. The problem is, you have given her too much. You need to cut back on everything. Money and even threaten to take away tuition and put her in community college. Going to a private university is a privilege, not an entitlement and you have to let her know that. Tell her that if she wants to be in college, she needs to stop the drinking and stop the behavior. It’s gonna hurt, but don’t let her come back home and freeload off of your hardwork. I’ve never ah to do that with my child, but if she acted the way yours did, that’s what i would do</p>

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<p>All I can say is I’m so sorry. But believe me, I do understand the part “I hate that I hate having her home.” Seems like the situation is beyond you and your husband can handle. I hope you will find a good professional help. </p>

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<p>I’d offer her the choice of rehab or out of my house. It sounds like she may be an alcoholic, she needs help, not enabling. </p>

5

<p>You have my sympathies. </p>

<p>I would think that the essential thing is for you and H to be on the same page. Have you considered some kind of couples or family therapy that does not include the 22 yr old?</p>

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<p>I am so sorry. I hope also you are able to find some professional help because from what you describe it sounds like she might be an alcoholic or well on her way and because she’s an adult you need to figure out how much you want to be involved and it sounds like you and your husband could use help, too, figuring out how to draw the line once you figure out how involved you want to be. I find it hard to believe that you paid a driver’s license reinstatement fee for her so it’s difficult for me to give advice as you’ve already done way more than H and I ever would have. At the very, very minimum you need to cancel that credit card, especially if she’s using it to buy alcohol. Don’t replace it or if you have to, do not put it anywhere where she can get the information and absolutely don’t make her a signatory on the account. I hope you have a smoother road ahead and can find the strength for some very hard decisions.</p>

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<p>I respect the fact that you said you don’t have a question, and that you just want to connect with other people who are in a similar situation. I would suggest Al-Anon, which is the group for people who are affected by somebody else’s drinking. Hopefully there are one or more meeting groups in your area. I would encourage you to try different groups if there are multiples in your area (and try each one more than once, if you need to), in the hope of finding kindred spirits.</p>

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<p>Agree with consolation-the biggest hurdle to dealing with your daughter’s problems head on is your husband. He has to open his eyes to how dangerous and serious the situation has become. Short of that you are going to continue to enable her until something dire happens. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I think couples counseling may be your only hope.</p>

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<p>I think you have two but related problems. Your D is either bipolar or not. IF she is bipolar, she needs medication and treatment, which may end some of her behaviors, as they sound very likely part of the bipolar cycle. My closest friend deals with bipolar and until she was properly diagnosed and medicated she had a long history of acting out that would strike others as the choices of a spoiled brat. Also, it’s not uncommon for bipolar people (or with other mental illness) to self-medicate. Many choose alcohol, which can then lead to alcoholism. Your D needs treatment for that too.</p>

<p>I would take her out of school and get her into treatment for both (or a proper diagnosis first, if needed). If she is unable or unwilling, then you may have to, for your own family’s stability, ask her to leave.</p>

<p>Bipolar or not, though, I think you’ve made a big mistake in paying for her to get her license back since you KNOW she is still drinking. I also would not have given a credit card to a compulsive liar and rule-breaker. But those are residual issues. You need to get to the heart of her problems and get them treated. And I agree that family therapy, with or without her, would be ideal.</p>

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<p>You are probably not being too harsh. It is your house and you set the rules. I have the 15 year old version of your daughter and we are struggling daily. She rages. She’s been visiting a child psychiatrist since she was about 11. We have recently received some good help from a family counselor with a juvenile corrections background. She is not easily manipulated by my daughter. You and your husband need to get on the same page. I hope you have great health insurance because you will need it. Find a family counselor NOW. It will probably take several weeks to finally see one because the good ones are booked. By good I mean “takes my insurance.” Right now we have a contract with our daughter that outlines the consequences for certain behavior. It is still like walking on eggshells. </p>

<p>Change your charge card and passwords to everything and protect it. We have had to lock up checks, credit cards, medicine and cash. Just this is inconvenient and a lot of work. My daughter will not be getting her learner’s permit until she has regained our trust. She’s the middle child and her brothers are wonderful kids. I would feel like a total failure if I didn’t have some success. </p>

<p>It is really hard to see what needs to be done while you are emotionally involved. I sure would not be paying for an expensive private school after the DUI. After a DUI she would not be using a car owned by me and she would not be on my insurance. She should have been put in a program if you know she drinks to blackout. I remember a girl like that in college and she was dead at 34. At 22 you should be forming a plan for her to move out of the house. It is really important that you protect your other children but you seem to know that. My daughter will be moving out at age 18 if she doesn’t make a lot of changes. I’ve had to learn that she has to own the results of her own bad choices. Get in trouble with the law: we don’t pay her fines or hire her a lawyer. I don’t know of any online forums but I have come across a couple from time to time by googling. Do a search for Oppositional Defiance Disorder or Reactive Attachment Disorder and you will feel not alone. At 22 she is really too old for the nonsense. I know you are heartbroken. I hope your husband will support you.</p>

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<p>“Husband wants to look at the positives.” Same here. I struggled for years to get him to also see the realities. In our case, I was able to explain my perspective to D2, so she understood why I was the tough parent. And, offer genuine praise, when merited. </p>

<p>Imo, much of this isn’t just the diagnosis. We have to try to understand why the behavior choices, what’s truly behind that, whether it’s insecurities, loneliness, pain (ongoing or old,) challenges she can’t keep up with, secrets, etc.) That makes it harder to know what path to take. I do feel some of this could have gone better if DH wasn’t at odds with me, saw the bigger picture and what was looming as time passed. </p>

<p>Each tale is slightly different, but we can empathize. One of the hardest parts is not really knowing when to trust. D2 got through most of this (but not all,) it was a long 4-6 years, but I still find myself doing double-think. </p>

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<p>So sorry you are going through this. Clearly this is a bad situation for your entire family and you and your husband need to get it under control. Has your D been diagnosed with depression and or bipolar disorder? Is she getting the necessary medication and therapy? If she has not been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and you believe she may have it, you need to have her evaluated by a professional. This could be fueling her drinking and other behaviors. Agree with others who say you and hubby need to be on the same page about this. You need to present a united front and firmly re-establish the rules concerning credit card use, secret drinking, work habits and expectations regarding college, grades and family responsibilities. Make some sort of counseling a non-negotiable condition of your continued payment of college expenses, and do not hesitate to show her the door if she balks at the rules. She is 22 years old; she lives in your home at YOUR discretion. She needs to understand that. This situation will almost certainly spiral more and more out of control the longer it is allowed to continue. And as you yourself have previously mentioned, this cannot be a good situation for your younger children. Good luck!</p>

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<p>I have known families who have addicted family members, and it is very hard. I am not a professional, so please keep this in mind- as everything I say is a suggestion based on your post. Although your daughter has other conditions, her drinking to black outs, DUI, and sneaking alcohol is the behavior of an alcoholic. The history of AA began with treating the alcoholic, and then continued with the families of alcoholics, because they found that many of them actually were hindering the recovery because they loved them and enabled them. </p>

<p>The truth is, we can not change another person, we can only change ourselves. You have to look at your part in this, not because you are the one who is wrong here, but because working on yourself is the only thing that may have any impact on the situation. Your husband’s focus on the positives may be making things harder, but you can’t change him either. If he is willing to go to family counseling with you, then this would be good. </p>

<p>At the very least, I would suggest counseling for you and your husband, and if he won’t go, then for you alone, and also a good 12 step co dependents anonymous group so you can understand the larger family pattern of addiction, learn how to protect your own sanity, and how you can draw the line on what you will, and will not tolerate. I know it is hard for a parent to pull back- it seems selfish, but with the support of a counselor and a 12 step group, I think you will learn what to do. </p>

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<p>About bi-polar and Rx: you have to make sure they take the meds. Getting through all this does need family effort. </p>

<p>Get DH to see them the same as if this were meds for a physical condition. Don’t be scared off by random/anecdotal reports of some issue- you will have a doc monitoring. Best doc to prescribe is a psychiatrist who also counsels. </p>

<p>In the first weeks and months (and over time,) the doc will watch to see the reactions, likely make some shifts, sometimes a higher or lower dosage, sometimes an add or a replacement. I always advocate a psychiatrist who specializes in this age group. D2’s works with college age, and some hs, understands how kids think, misrepresent, and what strengthens them. Your girl is older but stuck in the same thought stage.</p>

<p>If you feel a credit card is wise for emergencies, think about a low-limit pre-paid. if she blows it, at least it’s not on your credit limit. </p>

<p>Agree about getting you own counseling. At the very least, this will help with your own emotions.</p>

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<p>It’s so hard. Mine ran away when she was 17, hasn’t been back. We do talk to her on the phone sometimes. I’ll never let her back in the house though. Hubby won’t either. At the least you need to cut her off financially. She’s 22 for heaven’s sake. Mentally ill or not, she doesn’t need car, a credit card, or your financial assistance. She has had a job before (may have one now) let her make her own mistakes and pay for them herself. Don’t pay for her DUI! What’s the point of that? She’ll only learn that no matter what she does, you’ll clean up after her.</p>

<p>My advice - cut her off financially and tell her she’s not moving home - ever.</p>

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<p>I’m so sorry for you having to go through this. Sometimes people here can be a good sounding board, even if we can’t really help the situation. Reading this takes me back as you are describing my sister to a T 30+ years ago. She was very gifted but started really acting out in high school. Started flunking classes, drinking, staying out all night without telling my parents, and started secrectly “dating” a man who was almost 30 years old. She was diagnosed as bi-polar (manic-depressive then) but would not take her meds and started drinking and using drugs heavily. She flunked out of college, could not hold a job, and refused help. My parents also helped her financially, even though my brother and I kept telling them she was just using it for drugs and alcohol. My parents got her into several treatment programs, but she would always check herself out after a few days saying she wasn’t “as bad as those people”. She finally got married and moved out of state. It was difficult but in the end I think easier on my parents as she was too far away for them to physically help her anymore and she did not listen to them anyway. </p>

<p>Shockingly, she is still married to the same man- while he was into drugs when they got married, he did straighten up and has been an amazing presence for her all of these years. Not many people would have put up with her. She has never worked and while she does still drink, it seems to have tapered off. She definitely has mental issues and is very hard to be around. She just admitted to me recently for the first time ever that she is an addict. She still blames my parents for “not getting her the help she needed” and for putting her on “horrible drugs” in the 70’s for her bi-polar disorder. </p>

<p>I am certainly not one to give advice to you as nothing we did really worked for my sister. However, one thing my parents finally did was to refuse to give her any money at all- they changed accounts and hid all information. They never left money around the house. When things started disappearing around the house (we assumed she sold them for money) they gave her a months notice to be out of the house- they did help her with rent for a couple of months and then she was on her own. I don’t think giving your daughter money or helping her with expenses is doing her any favors. You are apparently already paying for her expensive private education and it sounds like it is taking her awhile to get through. If it were me, I would make it clear she can not move back in after college. It is not fair to her siblings and will cause resentment- I still have feelings of resentment for everything my sister put us through and it has been years. If you do let her stay, you might think about charging her rent ( you could always put it in a savings account to give her later) and also making seeing a therapist and staying on her meds a requirement of staying with you. Really, in the end, you have to do whatever you feel comfortable with. It is so hard and it sounds like you are taking the brunt of her anger. Just keep in mind that this is a stressful situation for the sibliings too, and they deserve to have a secure place they can come home to without having to deal with their sister’s issues. </p>

<p>My very best wishes to you in this difficult situation. Hopefully you can use this forum to blow off steam and stay sane!</p>

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<p>I am so grateful for all of your comments. For some reason, I wasnt getting them so need to double check my CC settings.</p>

<p>Some information to fill in the gaps~</p>

<p>She has been in therapy ad nauseum. Is presently and is very dependent on this doc.This one focuses more on the ADHD and depression and becoming more functioning. She has made considerable progress. She still lies.</p>

<p>She is most likely an alcoholic but does not believe she is; she feels we are just too uptight about alcohol. Alcoholism has a genetic component and it is in my husband’s family. She is past drinking to black outs or drinking and driving-those were mostly earlier in college. We did pull her from her university after her terrible first semester and insisted she get a job and work her way back by taking community college courses. It took three long semesters to give her back the private university. She even pulled a 3.17 this past semester, her first time to break a 3.0 since beginning college.</p>

<p>I have threatened kicking her out many times. She won’t go. She just cries. Her father doesn’t agree with me. </p>

<p>If I didn’t pay for the license to be reinstated, she would just drive unlicensed, as she has done for the last week. At a minimum, the burden would fall on me to drive her and to police her, so I want her to be licensed. I will add it to the bill of all she owes us which she will never pay off. When she got her DUI a few years back, the punishment was all ours (of course, she gamed the system and ended up with a license from a different state while waiting for judgment in the state where she had been caught and was eventually convicted).</p>

<p>Where is the line? What are we responsible for?</p>

<p>I can’t talk to her doctors but she can go to them as often as she wants and they send the bill to me. We have repeatedly told her therapist we won’t pay for the frequency she/they wants/ (and clearly needs but at $200/pop and not covered by insurance, once or twice per week is not affordable). The physician ignores what I have WRITTEN to her explicitly about not authorizing payment at the frequency they are meeting.</p>

<p>I can’t talk to her university about course choices but who gets those bills? She takes a light load and usually at least one course per term does not count towards requirements for her degree since she has taken all the elective credits and needs to complete her degree requirements. It doesn’t even phase her. “Don’t you want me to be educated? Shouldn’t I be interested in what I am studying?”. I have put my foot down and told her 3 more semesters then its on her whether or not she has completed her degree This limbo our legal system places parents of college aged “adults” is screwed up.</p>

<p>I am glad to hear most of you agree with a tough love approach although perhaps you would support a different approach if my description of our situation had been a more sympathetic one. I constantly second guess.</p>

<p>I will look in to Al Anon and parents therapy. We need something.</p>

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<p>Crazy question - was your daughter adopted from a bad situation (e.g. Russian orphanage or a foster situation where the first mother’s rights were terminated?) It sounds to me like your daughter is possibly acting out attachment related issues. Other people reading this - Please don’t jump on me if you’ve adopted from one of those situations and it’s been all hearts and rainbows. Just consider yourself lucky and blessed. Reactive Attachment Disorder is very real and falls on a huge spectrum. Anyway, if this is the case, you should start seeking support from therapists familiar with RAD for both you and your D asap. </p>

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<p>“She is most likely an alcoholic but does not believe she is; she feels we are just too uptight about alcohol”</p>

<p>A hallmark of alcoholism is denial. Also, if you didn’t pay for her license to be reinstated, yes, she would keep driving, and probably would get arrested, but that is a consequence of of drunk driving and driving without a license. </p>

<p>It is very hard for a parent to draw the line when a child might be a danger to herself, but erring on the side of enabling isn’t helping her recover either. I can’t choose a line for another parent as far as a child is concerned, because it is different for everyone, but a counselor can help you find your line. </p>

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<p>

Your d is a cash cow for that therapist. Refuse to pay if the therapist is ignoring your written instructions about not authorizing payment at the frequency that she is meeting with your d. In fact, if you have a copy of your previous instructions, don’t pay those bills.</p>