What to do w/ daughter & drugs?

Parent Cafe
1

Wow, just posted in one thread about a friend of mine, and now here I am with same problem.

Our DD20 has been dating a bum, older, in and out of jail, a mess. We are not happy, was hoping she would get sick of his BS and leave him. We were advised if we made too much of an issue she would dig in even more & see him out of spite.

She was doing really well in college, Dean’s list, had 2 part time jobs, and we had hoped being around successful people would help her realize this isn’t the kind of guy she wants.

They recently had their year anniversary & he is back in jail. I found her stoned out of her mind Sat morning. She was practically incoherent. I thought she was joking around but she wasn’t. Apparently, she has been smoking Spice, as an alternative to pot as it doesn’t show up in drug tests. She is in a healthcare program where they are drug tested.

She also missed school on Friday & an exam, something she has not done with this program before. Also found out she has quit/been fired from both of her jobs. This has all happened within the past month.

I am hoping she can reverse this before it becomes her new way of life. BUT, what can a parent do w/ a young adult? I have told her if she wants to continue living here, she will need to get family counseling. I also want her to go to a drug counseling facility but she doesn’t think she has a drug problem. But other than that, I don’t know what else I can or should do.

Any advice from parents who have been in this situation before or just what “you” would do as a parent?

2

Out of curiousity, have you even told her you don’t want her seeing the BF? It might be fairly obvious given that he’s in and out of jail, but have you ever actually said to her that you don’t want her seeing him?

3

Sending hugs your way. This is a tough one, and as I have no parental experience with this situation, I will just share a friend’s story.

Teenage high school age son was refusing to obey his parents’ house rules (no drugs, midnight curfew, nothing strict or outrageous, just general rules of courtesy and respect). Parents are really decent people, not high-strung, not helicopter parents, trying their best to work with this kid and give him every possible chance.

They ended up having to show tough love to their son, and it was a very difficult period. Son was welcome to live in their home if he obeyed their rules. He chose not to obey. They took away his car, locked him out of their home, spent several months worried about where he was staying and how he was managing to care for himself.

Fast forward a number of years…son did a stint in the military. Over time, he made peace with himself and with his family. I had the pleasure of seeing his mom post graduation pictures on Facebook this spring. The situation has come full circle, and I believe the parents’ tough love and boundary setting was a good decision.

I would suggest you check out available resources from organizations that deal with drug addicts. Alanon I think handles both alcohol and drug addicts?? I am sure others with more knowledge will chime in. I do know that you are in for a rough and bumpy road. Decide (along with your partner if you have one) what your goal is. What is the end game looking like in your vision for your child? The short term decisions will seem brutal and uncaring, but keep your eyes on the long-term goals.

Keep posting and asking questions. You may not like everything you read, but you will most likely glean some very useful info. And you will most likely learn that you are not alone. There are many paths to completing an education. Some students have to take the bumpy road, with detours and delays. But I have read many stories here on cc of parents whose kids eventually came back from tough struggles and are now successful.

4

Spice is an incredibly volatile drug, which is a scourge for many ERs. In fact, without explicitly condoning drug use, many doctors tell folks they are much better smoking plain weed, as it is far more benign in many respects. My wife is b/c as both an ER and Critical Care Intensivist, and says that psychotic episodes or even breaks are not uncommon (further, unlike weed it can be clinically addictive); so do what is necessary to get her out of that situation.

5

I’m sorry for your pain. I’m not sure what you should do about her, but I KNOW that YOU should seek counseling immediately for YOURSELF.

My cousin is an addict and it’s very difficult on her whole family. She had no children of her own, but after her husband died suddenly she got herself hooked. After that she lost her job, home and car and became hopelessly estranged from her step-kids who she adopted. She checks into rehab when she runs out of money. She really doesn’t want to get clean though. Her family (my relatives) have give her all the support they could, but their patience has worn out too. It’s very sad.

The most important thing is to take care of yourself and not blame yourself. Your D is old enough to take on adult responsibility. You have a role to play, but she owns her life for better or worse.

6

Great suggestion to seek counseling for yourself asap. You will probably learn that you can’t WANT recovery for someone else. They have to WANT it for themselves. You can’t MAKE her do anything, but you can try to motivate her to want to change by making it difficult for her to remain in her current lifestyle.

Refusing to enable her to continue with her drug lifestyle will not be easy, so having support for you is important. You will most likely have to endure her nasty comments, following by begging and pleading when the nasty comments don’t cause you to lose your resolve and give in to her demands.

You get to choose the boundaries and rules she must comply with in order to live in your home. I would strongly suggest you work with an experienced counselor in setting up those rules. You want to stay strong and not give in to her, but if you start out with too many rules, too strict of rules, rules you know in your heart you won’t be able to enforce, well she is going to push and push and wear you down.

Parenting is not for sissies…you are going to have to love her so much that you are willing to do the right thing when your heart is breaking over her situation.

7

Unfortunately, not a lot - unless you want to go the tough love route or ground her. I do agree that SPICE is much worse than the real deal as someone else has said. Once she is 21 there is even less that you can do. I know with my 2 sons many a time I would worry about what they were doing and all I could do was hold my breath and pray,.

8

to laralei
very sorry you are in this situation
As a mother who was in a similar situation with my daughter (no boyfriend, though) I will tell you my story;
My husband and I took her drinking very seriously (she had been drinking a lot while in the dorm, failed one class, but since she was not living with us we never saw her drunk). We were lucky she agreed to go to treatment (which lasted several months).We told her that there was no other option but inpatient rehab… While she was in treatment we educated ourselves as much as possible about addiction, what may work and what does not. Addiction kills and takes the precedence over any dreams and hopes. We followed the suggestions of professionals, went to meetings (alanon and naranon are for people affected by another person’s drinking or drugging) and made it clear to our daughter that we loved her and were supporting her recovery but not her self destructive behavior. Please don’t believe that it is just a “phase” and it is all because of her boyfriend. Her habits have already impacted her job and school life, and probably her relationship with you. That is a lot.
It is going to be a long journey , there are a LOT of young people who are in the same situation and find a way out… Take advantage of the fact that there is no more lying and now, with the facts, something can be done for all of you.
I wish you the best

9

Thank you all for your responses. The huge issue we are dealing with is boundaries & how to enforce them.

She drives to school, about 50 min one way, & I can’t drive her; there is no bus service. After this semester, she will no longer have to travel that far, & she would be starting clinicals after winter break. I can’t see having her quit. She will not be able to get back into it & she will have about $15K in loans that will be due for payment. I do worry about her getting drugged & driving. She says she doesn’t. She also says she has been doing this off and on for years, but that was weed, I think this Spice is what has caused all this to come out in the open.

I spent the day trying to find a counselor but who knows if the “preferred providers” are even any good? I guess I just pick one and hope for the best? I was wondering if I could call her school and get a referral, as they don’t counsel but do give local referrals. Would they be a good source?

I was going to call her physician, she was just there for TB test. I know her Dr has been struggling w/ his teen son the past year or two. I believe the son was drinking and stealing from family members.

Right now I have told her there will be no smoking or drugs in my house or car.

She will leave her bedroom door open at all times & we will remove it from the hinges if we have to. Same goes for the bathroom in her room.
She will attend family counseling with us. I don’t know if I should insist she talk to someone at the drug rehab or wait until after the family counseling. ???
She will need to ask permission to use the car & I need to know when, where, why, & who.

I told her we will do everything we can for her to help her as we want the best for her, but if she does not do the above she will need to move out. I will gladly deliver her anywhere she wants to go, so if she chooses that path she needs to start thinking about where she will go.

She says she can’t do that because she needs to get to school and can only do that w/ a car, our car. Of course, if we would just give her the car then she could move out tomorrow. No job, no money, but she’ll be OK.

Any further comments are greatly appreciated.

10

OP,
Please join nar-anon and get the support from other parents with similar chalenges. You are not alone!

11

I feel for you. Mild suggestion, call your insurance company for suggestions for referrals. These companies keep track of the therapists and know who have the best ratings from former/present patients.

12

Hopefully she will agree to see a therapist. Support for you would be very helpful. In the meantime, you can purchase Spice drug tests on amazon. Don’t let her use the car unless she comes up clean. Testing can be a deterrent. Best of luck to you and your family.

13

If you feel a connection with a religious leader in your area or if you had a strong relationship with her high school GC they may have good choices for a counselor.

14

Spice is dangerous. A boy in my oldest sons class died after smoking it. Georgia has outlawed it although they keep changing the chemicals in it so they can sell it. Kids think it’s not bad because they can buy it over the counter in certain states. Please make sure she understands it is really dangerous.

15

I would not threaten to kick her our for any reason, honestly. Living in your home may be life-saving, hard as it is for you. At the very least you can stay in touch and monitor informally.

Getting counseling for yourself or joining a self-help group like Alanon is really helpful.

When they are over 18 you cannot legally dictate lifestyle, and when they live with you boundaries certainly become an issue. Since she is an adult, you have a legal right to make her leave, but when you do not do that, you are left with a lot of murky areas to deal with. My own opinion is that you can assure her she has a place to live no matter what while she deals with this, but at the same time she needs to accept that you will be naturally checking in on her and expressing opinions along with offering love, support and resources.

Will she agree to counseling? As soon as a third party is involved, it relieves a lot of the boundary issues, since the therapist serves a role in establishing them. If she sees a counselor, will she allow you to come? If so, be careful not to interfere with the relationship she is establishing, while also expressing concerns.

Keep a positive image of your daughter in mind at all times if you can, no matter what she is doing right now. You can convey reminders of her strengths.

If anything she does becomes dangerous to self or others, you can call an ambulance or get her to an ER. If you do that, try to save a bed yourself in a decent place or she will be sent to whatever place has a bed, and that can be counterproductive, believe me. A crisis is an opportunity. In advance, check out rehabs and psych. hospitals with rehabs.

It sounds like she is in nursing school. If she is doing drugs, driving may risk the life of someone else other than herself, but doing nursing tasks affects even more people. Even if she is not actively on drugs at the time, her concentration might be affected. Many responsible students smoke week to unwind. I am not presuming that she is any different, though the comments about Spice are worrisome. Still, if this is a problem that is truly out of control she should not be doing nursing practicums, period.

I am not sure what else is going on, if there is a depression or other mental health issue underneath the drug use. And it is hard to tell how severe the drug use is, on a forum. But clearly some sort of crisis is accumulating in the last month. I will say that it can be a mistake to hold onto the school path at all costs when treatment might be a priority. Life is long and a student who takes a break or medical leave (allowable under these circumstances, with grades wiped clean with proper documentation) often returns to thrive once in better health.

Sometimes things need to get bad before they get better. Many of us have kids who have gone through one thing or another and come out the other side, better for the experience. The main thing is they need to stay alive. If you are not facing that level of crisis as yet, that is good, but seize every opportunity your daughter gives you to help her.

16

Do you have any clue how long the BF will be locked up? Hopefully he can be out of the picture long enough to try to stablize your daughter’s crisis. (Or is she planning on visiting him in jail and focusing on him despite her own life falling apart?)

I second the concern for your D doing clinical rotations while not in her right mind. Either she will be using Spice or experiencing the addiction withdrawals, and either way may not be able to concentrate. Please look into options for a medical withdrawal and preserve her options for going back later.

17

Yes she is an adult, but she is using your vehicle to drive, and is possibly driving impaired. If you allow her to use your vehicle, you could open yourself up to responsibility for any accident or loss of life due to her drug use.

And yes, as other posters have mentioned, you could kick her out of your home and take away your car and let her self-destruct on her own. Even if you don’t kick her out, she may end up choosing to leave instead of complying with your rules and boundaries. And you won’t be able to stop her.

But it seems cruel to not offer help at this point.

18

No advice as a parent, but have dealt with other loved ones with addiction. Do not get in a codependent situation. Seek some professional advice and/or alanon on how to deal with her. As far as Spice goes, it is terrible terrible stuff. My husband is a police officer dealing specifically with the homeless and their issues and trying to get them housed. so many are addicted to spice, and it totally and completely effs them up.

19

There are a number of really nasty chemicals that are being added to “artificial pot” and other drugs. Many of those chemicals have been traced to China, where the chemicals can be legally purchased. They can cause very unpredictable behavior.

20

If your family doctor specializes in teens, then he would be a great place for young adult therapist recommendations. If teens are only a small part, then ask around. When she starts, make sure she knows that whatever she says is in confidence between her and the therapist; the temptation is to hide feelings if she thinks you will hear about it later.

Spice does show up in some drug tests now. The markers for the synthetic compounds have been added to many of the recent drug panel tests. My son was tested in May for his summer job and it was on the list, along about 20 other drugs.

You are about to find out just how prevalent drug addiction is among your daughter’s peers. Stay strong and get yourself a support group.