<p>Grandscheme, I am really sorry for your family. Your daughter sounds a lot like my niece. Her Dad gave her chance after chance after chance… paid rehab paid school paid paid paid… Long story short, she is now 31, has had 6 kids (all taken away and not part of the family), last two with severe birth defects as she did drugs while pregnant. She had so many because people were kind and took care of her when she was pregnant. My sister died (niece came to the funeral drunk) when niece only had 2 out of wedlock kids, but at least they were the same dad. The death of her Mom has been niece’s excuse for years but I don’t think so. She can go six to 9 months on her meds and scrapes herself up. Then will fall off and go binge. This has been a pattern since she was 14. Her dad FINALLY learned to cut her off. He told her next time she went to jail he wouldn’t contact her until she was out. And he actually held that line finally. The second time he did that line was the last time she has been in jail. </p>
<p>I say the sad story above not to say that your daughter will go there . But I do point out it is a strong possibility. And she could go there if you keep doing what you are doing (enabling!) or if you stop and have her face consequences. You can only control you. Let her control her and own her consequences. </p>
<p>And WHAT ABOUT your other kids? WHY do you let this one destroy their childhoods? I can guarantee you that they are hurting from watching her manipulate and drain you. She is probably doing it to them too and you should put as much energy in protecting them as you do her. I can’t tell you the pain a “good” child feels when they percieve that the “bad” child “gets everything”. Maybe you should ask them to talk to your H.</p>
<p>Sorry to be harsh, but sometimes it is a harsh life. I honestly would hit your H with a clue bat, stage an intervention with the whole family. And set out a clear boundary for your D. She will cross it no matter what it is so you can make it semi-gentle, but you need to follow through. I also would get both you and your H to AlAnon, and family therapy.</p>
<p>I didn’t mean to be harsh with my earlier post, but I don’t think it helps anyone to color reality.
I married into a family of addicts, and it had been very eye opening.
IMO, addiction is a disease, but not necessarily the primary one.
Those who use substances/gambling/shopping/exercise compulsively to feel better, are trying to * feel better*.
They may have depression, anxiety, OCD or any number of things.
Getting well should be primary, attending school before that happens is obviously not helping.</p>
<p>I like the idea of working with H and a therapist. As long as the two of you are not together on how to manage this problem, nothing will really change. I would not want an adult child that behaves as she does living in my home. It is harmful to the other children, ruinous to your marriage and the personal “home space” comfort you deserve.</p>
<p>My son, who has never had financial/academic problems (but can be judgmental and sarcastic) was home for a month after he graduated college. I could feel the relief wash over my body when he left for his summer work last week. I am relieved he will be off to grad school in August and only home for a week. Being at home for more than two weeks doesn’t work for him or us unless he has a job (even parttime).I feel like he ages “backwards” by two years with each passing week. He seemed like a 12-13 year old toward the end of his stay. In his case, I think he felt impotent and childlike living in his old room and being financially dependent on us. On his own again with work and school, his behavior returns to being polite and adult like. There is usually a phone call several days after he leaves where he apologizes for his behavior. Any 22 year old who is totally dependent on his/her parents has got to feel impotent and childlike. Some handle the financial and concomitant emotional dependence better than others. Perhaps cutting off her spending and gas money would push her toward a part time job? It is so hard as a parent to make decisions with a child who is mentally ill and chemically dependent/abusive. There are no rule of thumb suggestions that work. My neighbor has a son with schizophrenia. His behaviors can’t be dealt with in the same way as mu son’s. Her family is always worried about what would happen if they did tell him to move out-the streets? </p>
<p>Anyway, I think you have been a responsible parent. Your feelings of anger and frustration are completely understandable. Every parent I know who has a problematic adult child wishes that they could get that “child” out of the house. You have been dealing with this “child” and her problems for years. I hope you can get her out of the house, off your credit cards and peace can return to your home.</p>
<p>Great, frank posts today.<br>
I find it hard to agree with a too-quick “kick her out.” In between the two extremes, the way you have been indulging her and the ultimate threat to just put her bags on the porch, there is a lot of ground.</p>
<p>This often applies, in life and in parenting: “If you are not part of the solution, you may be part of the problem.” We’re all agreeing the indulgence is detrimental. But I firmly believe the parents must also look at additional ways they may be contributing. We haven’t even gotten to that on this thread, beyond the Dad’s misread and Mom’s utter frustration. I wonder just what and how much negative is being communicated to the girl, how she is supposed to gain the first toehold on wanting to change. </p>
<p>Sure, some kids wake up one day and say, “No more.” But that’s an ideal. </p>
<p>One small example (not what I have in mind, but an example,) is the college grades. I said I would have been pleased if D2 had a B average in college. Many of us would be. From the posts, is this girl getting criticized for “easy” classes and B’s? I don’t want to parent-blame. Believe me, I know how hard this is. Counseling can help id these additional issues, if one can be introspective and frank and willing to make changes, make a new context. Nothing wrong with some self-examination, an awareness of how blame is passed around. It can be empowering.</p>
<p>I don’t mind harsh feedback. I’m trying to sort this through and appreciate the time you all are putting in to sharing your thoughts. I don’t really have time for a social life these days-we go from managing one crisis (used to be mostly her) to managing others (now dealing with aging parents and estate conflicts and other grown up disputes) and I’m always fighting to keep my head above water.</p>
<p>I am being more aggressive about finding local resources and will get H on board with that too. Fortunately that wont be a battle he will fight. We both feel at a loss. Her recent grades were with a lighter course load and easier courses. Whatever. At least they are not failures and I feel like at this point, she owns the story she is writing for herself. Her attitude still sucks and her temperament but she isn’t as irresponsible as she used to be. Drinks nearly daily but usually not to drunk. Not drinking and driving though did not have car for 6 mos abroad. Her siblings look up to her, the youngest sees her as a hero for having overcome challenges. The others believe some of her insinuations that the problems stem from mom mostly and dad. Of course, it is peaceful when she is not here.</p>
<p>Families with dysfunctional members take on roles to stabilize the family. The role of the “scapegoat” can be a stabilizer as it keeps other members from looking at themselves and each other-whatever issues they have are not as bad to them. These roles are hard to change- if one person moves out of them, the others attempt to pull them back in, as it also creates a shift in them that they might not like. This is also a means of possible change, because if one family member says “no more” the game changes. </p>
<p>Opposite reactions can be two sides of the same thing, so abruptly kicking her out may be as ineffective as enabling her. Also, most change is slow and steady. I doubt you are ready to say “no more of any of it” but perhaps slowly setting limits and then more limits could be a plan. Also, when people are using a behavior that works, and it stops working- at first they are going to do more of the same- and more intensely- because that’s what they know works. They haven’t learned new behaviors. So if you pull back, she is likely to be worse before she gets better. You still need to stop enabling bad behavior if you want it too get better, but knowing that this is a likely reaction will help you stay firm. </p>
<p>In couples therapy, unless someone is experiencing severe life threatening abuse, sometimes it isn’t a good idea to do something extreme like divorce right away. Each person has learned behaviors that result in a payoff for being the way they are. Sometimes learning about them and making small changes can improve the relationship and if they don’t then the separation can be done with a different perspective. You also have two situations with your relationship with your daughter: she’s home and it’s awful, she’s away and it’s peaceful. Sometimes you have to separate from a disordered family member- divorce, kick them out, no communication, but sometimes it is possible to tolerate each other in shorter time spans. Finding a good therapist and 12 step group may help you learn how to take action effectively. It may or may not improve your daughter’s behavior, but you will learn more about your part in it. Your husband may not go along with this, but you can work on your issues. His are his to deal with. </p>