How do you keep your kid from alienating everyone he know because his mom is a CC addict?

Parent Cafe
1

I fully admit I’ve gone overboard on college prep as a result of my own college circumstance,

DS and I started looking at colleges Freshman year. His interests have changed and programs have changed but all things being equal he’s okay.

But it bugs him. People who haven’t done a lot of research.

The girl who will ED to NYU “Of course I don’t have 70K a year, but I will get aid. Everyone gets aid at NYU.”."

The boy who is convinced that his numerous siblings means he won’t have to pay anything at elite schools. (Dad owns company, mom also employed- they are not poor)

The teacher who says, go ahead and ED. If you can’t afford it, they’ll let you out.

The boy who can totally afford his top college but has not such great test scores, but figures money talks more than scores (he may be right)

The guidance counselor who says admissions is MUCH more important than ability to pay. If a college wants you, they will find a way. Also, loans.

My son gets judged - frequently because he is choosing a school that will result in little to no debt. Also, that he is interested in a less common career path. And loans horrify him (I’ve linked too many articles…)

His classmates responses is typically - “You got a 1550 - WTF would you apply there?!?”

I HAVE told him to stop volunteering information. Unless someone asks, or misspeaks egregiously, smile and nod.

But maybe it’s the future educator in him? I don’t know. But the process (not his own - others) is REALLY bothering him. He sent me a text with notes from the GC speech and then said “he had to say something - what she was saying just wasn’t right!” I’ve told him to leave it alone. Other families problems are not his. And yet, he is REALLY concerned about his classmates. Perhaps more than himself since he is confident in his own plan. Nevetheless, I worry that his concern will snowball into a bigger problem.

So for those who have been through the process and been conservative about it, how do you keep you kid from making his classmates crazy. Even if he only does so because he cares.

2

I would offer my opinion if someone asks. But the instance the other person somehow shows/states that (s)he already knows better than I do, or that (s)he is not interested in my opinion, I keep my mouth shut, unless when it is a matter of life and death.
I don’t judge other people. And if someone insignificant judges me wrong (or right), I don’t really care.

3

Not to be crass, but I think you have to tell him that part of growing up is learning to understand when to shut up. And keep reiterating that he needs to worry about himself in this process and nobody else. Others are entitled to make different choices regardless of if he agrees or disagrees and he should respect their right to do so – just as he should hope/expect that his friends will respect his choices.

4

By hiding that I am a CC addict.

5

I just got the app on my phone. Now my secret is out. My kids can see it. Sorry, I’m no help here, just commiserating.

6

Teach him the mantra I learned from a friend, “Not my Monkey, not my Circus” it’s not his job to educate others unless he’s being asked. I tried, unsuccessfully, to guide an acquaintance’s child to an affordable school (she could have had a full ride at several merit schools) but was gapped at her “dream” school. Mother is currently trying to sell furniture and other household items to meet the gap for first semester. I can’t imagine how this is going to play out in future years. Many folks on CC gave great advice but the kid chose not to listen, I feel bad for the kid but there is nothing else that that can been done.

“Not my Monkey, not my Circus”
“Not my Monkey, not my Circus”
“Not my Monkey, not my Circus”

7

To reiterate, I have told him that he risk alienating his friends and that he should only worry about himself. It isn’t about “judging” as one poster put it. It’s about his genuine concern regarding the cost of attendance and “merit aid” available at said schools that is bothering him. He wants to HELP. I’ve told him more than once to butt out. But he feels like not making sure people understand is reprehensible. I HAVE told him to leave stuff alone but he doesn’t want to see his classmate turn into a CC sob story or worse a Consumer Reports story.

8

Maybe “pick your battles” should be taught in every school?

9

It made me cringe to sit through the counselor welcome speech to parents at the beginning of my youngest’s first year of high school. The counselor told the gathered parents that grades from freshman year do not matter to colleges and that the math placement for freshman year did not have any impact on where the student might ultimately go for college. I did not say anything, but I privately decided that I would never trust that counselor for advice about anything else.

10

Your son will learn that the insanity never stops. He will start his new job once he’s out of college and have colleagues who make exactly the same amount of money that he does, and yet they don’t have two nickels to rub together- they are out every night at bars and restaurants and go on ski weekends “just because”. He will move into his new condo which he proudly saved for, and have neighbors who have no furniture and can’t afford to paint the kitchen but drive new BMW’s. He will have friends hosting destination weddings in St.Martin and taking honeymoons in Fiji, and will have a boss who lives paycheck to paycheck.

If I let all the stupidity around me bug me- I’d never get any work done. I’ve got someone who works for me (so I know her salary) who spends more on dry cleaning than I spend on my entire work wardrobe. I’ve got someone who works for me who is trying to accelerate paying down his college loans and yet flies off to meet his HS friends two weekends a month “for me time”.

My company offers investment and financial advice- free. You can’t imagine the number of people who do not avail themselves of a free service to help them structure their financial goals or even evaluate the best way to allocate their investment in our 401K. I have people on my team with children- one with special needs- who don’t have life insurance, except for the company policy (which is generous but not enough for a special needs kid if god forbid, something happened to the primary earner.)

What can you do?

11

When high school students talk about college admissions, there’s often a lot of posturing and exaggeration and people saying things for the sake of having something to say. Just because someone says they’re going to do something stupid doesn’t mean they will.

In addition, many parents are much less open about finances than typical parents on CC.

12

My S tried to share some stuff his mom (me) learned on CC with a few of his closest friends. His ex-gf’s mother later thanked me personally because of what her D learned from my S. She ended up at Vanderbilt and the mother told me they had no idea about schools that meet full financial need.

His two best friends went on a college visit trip with my H and S and saw a variety of schools from the Midwest to the East Coast and back. Even though S told them not to apply to just the top schools, one friend didn’t listen and primarily applied to Ivy’s. He wasn’t outright rejected anywhere, but he was waitlisted at all of them and never got off the waitlists. He did have one non-Ivy admittance where he attended, but he would have been a very strong candidate at lots of top non-Ivy schools, had he applied.

The other friend mainly applied to top schools, but fortunately had a couple of great match school admits so had a choice. His mom also thanked me profusely.

S’s current gf asked for my spreadsheet of college application info so she can help a younger sibling.

So occasionally it can work out.

On the other hand, when I first got a mailing from QuestBridge when my older D was applying to colleges, I asked our school guidance counselors if they knew anything it, and they told me it was probably a scam. Our HS is 70% free and reduced lunch. Thankfully I continued to do research and learned it was not a scam. I offered to share information I had learned with our HS guidance counselors but they weren’t interested.

13

Sorry, but is this really a problem? You make it sound so compelling; it’s really not.

This is simple: if he can’t zip it when he should, then let him let it flow and let him deal with it. Some will listen, some won’t, some will hold it against him, some won’t. Who cares?

Does he really just want everyone to be safe from their own ignorance? Is it just this category of issues? Or is he constantly worried about the world of the misinformed? Is he concerned 24/7 about his classmates who may be doing drugs thinking it’s ok? Not practicing safe sex, thinking it won’t be them? Does he perseverate over these issues too?

Because if he doesn’t, I wonder if his irrepressible desire to set everyone straight is more a reflection of a pedantic personality than one of a caring personality. You might consider challenging him on that point.

I realize my post is a little hypocritical, in that we’re all here setting each other straight 24/7. But it’s more or less what this forum is all about. That’s a big difference. You come here and express a view about this stuff, and you’re going to get set straight if you’re off base because that’s what happens here. Your son’s exposure at school to the hyperbole and meanderings of his fellow students is an altogether different context.

14

A friend of mine -full pay- is willing to pay it for Ivies. Her daughter got into one. The kids at the lunch table-wise from knowledge on CC lectured her daughter against going there versus taking a full ride elsewhere. The advice was not at all in line with what the family wanted or could afford. The daughter began to question whether her parents knew what they were doing. We don’t know or understand the financial situation or priorities of those around us.

There have been several threads and even real life acquaintances who have been accepted to what I thought were reaches or more than reaches. I was surprised. Being on CC does not make us omniscient.

I try to keep my CC knowledge to myself. Every once in a while I find someone receptive to advice, but it is RARE. I find it easier to point people here than to tell them “how it is.”

15

It’s one thing when HS students and parents have bad ideas about college and finances. Like @3scoutsmom said not my circus, not my monkeys. But when a GC give bad advice people should speak up. Lots of parents and students will trust the advice of the GC.

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@MiddleburyDad2 to be perfectly honest, he really is the kind of kid who wants to keep the world safe from their own ignorance. It actually is a rather chronic issue. I have always tried to tell all my children that they can only control their own behavior but this one has more difficulty keeping his opinions to himself and it has gotten him into a pickle more than once. Certainly, you are right that he’ll have to deal with the consequences of what I fear is sounding like a “know it all attitude” on his own. I guess I feel a piece of ownership on this one because I have gone off on things I’ve read here (at home) and suspect he is repeating my own thoughts. We did try to be 100% transparent about the college process and our families position with him and I guess now I feel like perhaps I overshared too much especially given his predispositions.

17

I wonder if any CC’ers have become college admissions counselors based on what the learned here on CC?

18

"@siliconvalleymom “It made me cringe to sit through the counselor welcome speech to parents…”

With each overly broad generalization I kept thinking, “Unless X or Y, then that isn’t true.” Lol

19

I live in a community where many only apply to reach schools -not necessarily Ivy type reach schools, but schools that are big reaches for their particular student. A few have argued with the GC who suggested that other schools be added to the mix. Then some of the parents and kids advertise these visits. It makes me crazy but I keep my mouth shut and say nothing to them. I did not have to convince my daughter to stay quiet because this was one topic that she never discussed in school, and she was not friendly with these particular students.

20

I like the “Not my monkey, not my circus” mantra. It is very helpful.

D has learned from me over the past few months as I have had to personally tamp it down a bit. I only speak if asked about it. In the rare case where I just can’t stop myself like in the situations you described) I say “hey, I’ve learned a lot about college planning in the past year and I love sharing what I’ve learned…I’m free!”

Also, I put together a bunch of info into a slide presentation and have emailed some groups (one of Ds IB teachers is one) and offered to do the presentation. I’ve done three fairly large presentations now and I’ve taken my dog and pony show to some living rooms also…its heartbreaking to watch parents of rising seniors as they learn about their EFC for the first time but at least the bandaid is ripped off.

Doing the presentations has opened the door to a lot of people who actually come to me for questions so that removes the awkwardness. I will admit I’m dying to talk to a certain kid whose posts I see on twitter–applying to all Ivy schools with sub-par test scores and I KNOW they do not understand their NPC and doesn’t have any safeties on the list.