How do you know your student should transfer?

Parents Forum
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This is hard to think and write about but D20 is questioning everything. She was a very high achieving high school student, 4.0 UW and 5s on all AP exams. She applied to her top choice school ED and was accepted. She was prepared to work hard and be challenged and specifically chose a school where she wouldn’t be the smartest kid.

In the fall, she called home 3-4 days a week sobbing and asking to come home. Everything was “wrong” - incompatible roommate (they don’t speak at all) and several meetings with ResLife to find a solution, no friend group because classes and club activities are all on Zoom, grades are suffering because there is no connection to classmates or professors (several profs haven’t even set foot on campus during the semester), virtual asynchronous classes that say 4-50 minute classes per week but are 4 90-minute prerecorded lectures plus 1,000 pages of reading (for one class). D has attempted counseling but sessions get cancelled at the last minute. DH and I feel we are being fed lip service because we get emails detailing all of the wonderful things they are doing and providing for the students (private spaces for telemedicine appointments or personal phone calls, extra mental health services) but when we try and point D in the direction of the resources, she gets nowhere or is told they don’t know what she is talking about because they haven’t heard of it. Meetings with the Dean result in her being told she is just having a hard time adjusting to college life because of Covid.

This semester, we don’t get the crying phone calls or hear much of anything so we think things are better. Pick her up last week to take her for a Covid vaccine and she looks awful - too thin, stressed out, exhausted. We ask why she isn’t calling and she says it’s because she doesn’t have any place to make a private call. She questions everything about her experience: did her HS not prepare her for college work, why does her roommate hate her, should she have picked another school, how much is influenced by the almost constant isolation caused by Covid, should she transfer, if she does will she get as good a financial aid package… I have answered student questions on CC where they ask about being unhappy and don’t feel they belong so I know she isn’t alone in feeling this way but it is so hard when it is your own kid.

TLDR - how do you know it’s time to start seriously consider transferring and where on earth do you start?

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I don’t have a good answer for you but wanted to say that I’m sorry that your daughter is having a rough year. Very hard to watch your own child struggling.

Will she be home soon for the summer? I’m concerned about your description - too thin, stressed, and exhausted. Can you get her some counseling support through a therapist at home? Even if it’s via zoom to start it might be better than what the school is providing (or not).

This year has been so crazy that it’s hard to know if what’s she’s experiencing is covid or the school but I’d get her support either way.

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Get her through this academic year…I like the idea of getting some help via zoom from someone at home where she will be this summer.

I’m wondering if taking a leave of absence might be a good idea, if her college offers that. It would give her some time and space to decide what to do next, and it doesn’t close the door on this school completely. I’m only suggesting this because it sounds like adding transfer applications might not be the best plan without the time to actually feel good about it and research the possibilities.

If she brings up transferring…then I would be supportive of this, but maybe still with a pause.

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Hi. I am so, so sorry to hear this. I’m a college student (freshman girl) and I am literally in the same exact situation. I would love to talk to you or your daughter if you would like someone to talk to who’s going through the same thing!!!

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I suggested telemedicine appointments with a therapist at home but she says she is too busy and she has no privacy. I already have someone lined up when she gets here in 13 days.

She has broached the subject of transferring both at Christmas and last week. We have been trying to encourage her to give the school a chance to get back to some sense of normalcy. She said she even asked the Dean, which surprised me. They have a high retention rate so he did his job, which seems to be to convince her to stay. I suggested talking with some close friends from home to see how they are doing but she doesn’t want them to think she’s a failure.

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I am currently at an East Coast School, and am trying to transfer to USC, my dream school. I have had thoughts of transferring since I got here, and I finally made the courageous decision to leave even though everyone else loves it here. I’m in my last couple of weeks of classes here, right now.

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I am sorry you are in the same boat. Things just weren’t supposed to be like this for you guys. I am glad you see that you have other options! There were some students at her school that went home for the holidays and just didn’t go back, some enrolled at their local state school and others took classes online from home and worked on transfer applications for the March deadlines.

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Our stories sound so similar I almost wonder if we’re at the same school. A lot of my friends didn’t come back, either, and transferred elsewhere or went to Community College. I know things seem rough right now, but I want you to know a lot of schools are still accepting transfer applications- and even if their “application deadline” passed, a lot of them are still accepting on a rolling basis. I don’t want your daughter to think she’s alone or hopeless in all of this.

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She does not sound in a good spot at all. Any chance she can come home now and do school from home? Perhaps visit her and take her out for dinner or if you are not close enough, get there more slowly and get a hotel for the last week of school and let her stay with you. Or just get her a hotel room for the remainder of the year to at least fix the roommate/privacy issue. Didn’t she miss the window to apply for transfer in time for next fall? Nothing wrong with taking a year off. She could even do your local community college for a year to make up for some of the lost scholarship money that is sure to occur on transfer.

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We are 2 hours away but the school has had a no visitor policy in place all year, which doesn’t help. Parents are also asked not to come to the town… We had to fill out multiple forms and get permission from 2 different departments to get her a vaccine. We offered to just bring her home then but she had a paper due and didn’t have time to pack. I offered to bring her home this weekend but she wants the time to study for finals.

We have a local state university campus 20 minutes away that we have discussed but she feels like she worked too hard in high school to end up with everyone from our town that goes there. She already has several credits from there that she earned through dual enrollment and she’d be done in 2 years. I know she just needs to get through these next days and decompress. I guess I am just wondering how best to help her decide if she should go back.

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Maybe the best way to help her decide is to let her decide. Offer an ear and support only.

It really sounds like she needs to get herself better first. School second. COVID’s effect on mental health will be felt for years.

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I’m so sorry. I think the impact of covid is so huge on our kids, especially the college freshmen. I would hazard a guess that covid difficulties are a giant if not ALL a part of her struggles…except for the bad luck roommate…but covid will make that so much worse too (neither of them can go hang out elsewhere).

My D is a senior (in college) at a school that she loved and she’s barely made it through the year and says (right now at least) that she doesn’t even like her school any more. And honestly I just got back from a visit that was sorely needed…she would try to hold it together on our phone calls, or not, but then she got really really down and needed in person family time…and it was hard for her to ask for it. We are not rule breakers, especially covid rules, but if you are vaccinated I would say maybe you should consider a visit just for a hug and to bolster her up for the next few weeks. I also worry about depression from your message and wonder if she could do telehealth counseling outdoors now that it is spring. Or reserve a study room (with a door) at the library. I don’t know anything about transfer deadlines, but I would try to hold off any transfer discussions until she can come home, decompress, normalize a little, (hopefully with vaccinations we are getting to points where people can socialize), see what fall might bring for school covid restrictions, and go from there. Maybe you should let her know that a transfer isn’t out of the question, but that you would like to hold off on making any decision until she can get in a better place mentally and get back home. Good luck, I feel for you both!

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I feel so bad for her. And YOU. Trying to figure out how to help your kid in an appropriate way is so incredibly hard at this age. Add in depression and then you double question yourself because you can’t lean on traditional parenting wisdom as much. Hang in there!

As to how to help her decide. Do the research on some transfer scenarios. What schools can she even apply to right now for fall? Which ones have spring transfer possibility? What does that do to financial aid at those schools? Be ready with information the next time she brings it up.

And my butt would be at the school this weekend having her stay in a hotel with you and ordering room service all weekend. But admittedly, kids with depression and Covid are triggers for me. Combine that with a school that has offered no help and made rules that make it harder for her to get help on her own and steam comes out my ears.

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If you are worried about your daughters safety please Call the Dean of Students tomorrow. Tell him you are fully immunized (I am assuming you are) and picking up your daughter ASAP because of an untenable roommate situation and she will finish her classes online from home, and mention how your daughter has tried to seek help and the college has not been forthcoming with help and if classes are mostly online there is no real reason she has to be on campus. Bring packing tubs and suitcases and go into her dorm room and pack the room yourself, have your daughter tell the roommate it will take a couple of hours to pack up and roommate can hang at student center/cafeteria while you are packing( this is your child and her safety comes first). Tell your daughter to not worry about a transfer decision until she has finished her finals/papers and just finish her classes with the highest grades she can. She may be blaming herself for this situation so Tell your daughter she is not a failure and this was an unexpected situation that many smart kids like her are going through! Less selective colleges who may not have filled their classes for 2021-2022 may still be accepting applications, (June deadlines) more selective colleges transfer application deadlines have already passed for Fall 2021. Research colleges over summer, do transfer applications due Oct 1, figure out over next two months if she can stomach one more semester at current college or enroll her in her state school for one semester so she does not lose momentum, and hopefully she applies to other colleges where she can get a degree and be happier and is admitted for Spring Semester 2022. Not an ideal situation but unless the current college she now attends gets way way substantially better during Fall semester 2021 she is still looking at transferring, so get those applications ready over the summer to shoot off; if she attends Fall semester at current school and things get better where she is at she has the choice not to transfer. She is so overwhelmed and upset right now that making this transfer decision now is probably more upsetting than constructive. That being said, If there is a way for your daughter to finish this semester at school without coming home that is your best bet. Spending time in hotel room is a great idea, just have her pack essentials and go! I am so sorry this is happening to you and your daughter. I suspect there are a lot of lonely and upset kids on campuses right now because of the rules, anxiety, distance that COVID has caused on campus. My heart goes out to you and your daughter.

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I am sorry to hear about your D’S struggles. This year has been so incredibly difficult in so many ways for our kids! Also agree bringing her home is an excellent idea. If you make the decision she may be relieved that she doesn’t have to make it.

As far as schools still accepting transfer apps there are a few I know with a June 1 deadline: Boston University, Northeastern, Providence College and Villanova. I think Vanderbilt is also accepting applications as well. There are a number of schools that offer spring transfers too. It might help relieve a bit the stress of attending and remind your D of the things she originally liked about the current school if there’s the option of leaving it.

Wishing you and your D all the best. Hope she regains her happiness and footing this summer!

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Honestly, I think you need to go there tomorrow morning, and just bring her home for the rest of the semester. I’m worried. Your daughter’s safety and well-being are more important than anything else, and I’m not talking safety from Covid here - I’m talking emotional health safety. I’m furious on her and your behalf, that this has been such an awful experience for her. If there is some physical reason that she HAS to be on campus (like an in-person lab), then get a nice AirBnb nearby for the two of you, ferry her back and forth for it, and just pamper her as she finishes up the semester. And if the college says a WORD to you about this being a violation of Covid safety, just tell them that you are fully immunized and that she is isolated with you. And you might want to give them an earful about how horrible it has been for her, and how their residential life and mental health support have been abysmal.

And yes, of course she should transfer if it’s been so horrible for her. This is why I HATE the roommate business in colleges. Sometimes it’s a match made in heaven. Sometimes it’s okay. And sometimes you get a monstrous sociopath, or even worse. Just imagine trying to sleep in a room with someone who so clearly hates you. No wonder she is thin, stressed out, and exhausted. And all this so that she could pay room and board there, to take VIRTUAL classes?

First thing is to make sure that she is safe, by bringing her home, or providing a safe place for her to live with support from you, while she finishes out the semester. And then consider transfer options.

I’m so sorry that she’s had such a horrible experience.

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I would focus first on your D’S wellbeing. Work with the school to get a medical withdrawal if your D can’t make it to the end of the semester. If she can get a single for next year, even if she’s unsure if she’ll return, that could help. Even a good roommate can require a lot of energy from someone who needs more time alone.

It may also be appropriate for your D to take a year off to recover her health and figure out where she wants to be after that.

It would seem important that the next school be a place she wants to go TO rather than simply not the place she wants to get away FROM. Covid has so greatly altered the experience this year and complicated making near term choices (no visits) that it may not be a good idea to make a rushed choice.

I like the idea of going to visit and getting your D off campus so she can speak freely with you. It will help her to know that you support her now and in whatever decision she makes. I don’t think, though, that you should encourage a transfer as much as let her know you would support her in that.

It is possible that while you are seeing the school as the primary reason for your D’S mental state that there is something more profound going on – all triggered/compounded by the school environment. Your plan for a therapist when she gets home sounds spot on. Hopefully with that support in place, she can figure out what the next step should be. But it doesn’t sound like this is the time to be making a big decision about a new school.

Really wishing the best for both of you. It’s lousy for your D that her experience has been so different from what she expected. This happens even without covid but boy, has covid piled on to that! And it’s so hard as a parent to see your kid unhappy. Hugs to both of you.

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I’m so sorry you are going through this. I can relate. We are only as happy as our least happy child. If your kid is miserable, so are you. From what you’ve said here, it seems to be more about your concerns. I hope I can maybe put your mind at ease a little and give a different perspective. Of course, you know your child better than any of us…

I hope you don’t feel I doubt anything your daughter has told you, but is it possible that she is unloading on you and that maybe things aren’t as terrible as they seem? Not that things are great, of course. I do think that if she was desperate to come home and desperately unhappy, she’d be making those calls still. (My own kid would get up early and call us outside, sobbing at 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning.) We are human trash cans. They can dump it all on us. They know that we will listen and do our best to comfort them, unconditionally.

Has she said she does want to transfer, or is she just wondering if that’s a possibility? Does her roommate really hate her? I ask because except for the (HUGE) covid situation, my daughter was saying all the same things, right down to awful roommate (they never liked each other), talking about transferring (but never doing anything about it,) many crying phone calls and sad texts, and the unhelpful counseling center. (Turned out that as juniors and seniors, she and her friends all used the counseling center, it was part of their weekly routine.)

I don’t doubt that your daughter is struggling, but I’m not reading that she is in serious trouble and it seems that she should finish the semester with the best grades she can. Are her grades ok? If her grades have tanked, that’s a good indicator that there is a more serious problem. I do think you should insist that she see the therapist. Tell her it’s nonnegotiable and that she has to make time.

You said she doesn’t have a friend group, but does she have any friends at her school? Has she started thinking about next year’s living arrangements? If she has no friends, that could indicate a more serious problem.

As for next year, it seems she is at a very good college. It’s too late for transfer apps to other very good colleges at this point, so maybe she should take the summer to regroup and decide if she needs to take a break for a year to consider her options. It’s likely that the coming academic year will be much better for colleges.

Meanwhile, I hope you can find a way to encourage her to finish the semester and just focus on doing her work as best she can. And of course, if she needs to leave right away, that should be the priority. I do think it’s possible that while she might not be loving the current situation, she might be coping better than you think she is. It sounds like her studies are what she’s focusing on right now. Best of luck to her and to you.

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My heart goes out to you and your D. It’s hard to know though, if the unhappiness is due to ‘fit’ with the school or if it is due to the roommate situation and the Covid restrictions greatly limiting the freshmen experience. My bet is that it is the latter. And if that is the case, I would want to experience the school in more normal times (and hopefully that is fall) before making a transfer decision.

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Thank you for all of the kind words and support. I knew I could count on you!

First off, I do think there may be a bit of an issue with “fit”. D is not a partier but overlooked the heavy party and Greek scene, choosing to focus on the academics and alumni network. She knew there was going to be an issue with the roommate over the summer when the first thing her roommate asked was which sorority was her first choice and if drinking was ok in the room. There were no other texts (or replies) and that is the extent of their communication. They were reprimanded for failing to turn in their roommate contract on time in the fall. She has 2 friends on her floor but they have nothing in common other than the fact they don’t drink so they don’t do much together other than eat. She has a few other people she says hi to but doesn’t feel she has a support system. She is pretty shy but was looking forward to having intellectual conversations and finding others with similar interests but with classes, club meetings, and activities all held on Zoom, it just doesn’t happen. Other kids are probably sitting in their rooms but the school hasn’t done a good job of facilitating bringing students together (lots or pandemic rules about only eating with members of your floor, going into town in groups of 4, no going into other dorms, no going in anyone else’s room, common areas for that floor only). She joined the council that plans activities for her housing commons but the only other student is remote from Vietnam and turnout at online events is nonexistent. Even when the school gave permission for in person activities for small groups, she was told by the advisor that they could still only do virtual ones.

She is very concerned about her grades. The first semester wasn’t terrible but not up to her standards. She had a class with her advisor who made a point to plan walks with her advisees. This semester is really not good. She says she would have a hard time picking any profs out of a lineup. She didn’t do well with the last quarter of high school being virtual - hard to engage, hard to focus on a screen all day, hard to stay motivated - so this was not unexpected. She wanted to be on campus this year and was really looking forward to starting a new chapter. She just feels lost and alone. She is struggling to choose a major, most classes have been core and distribution requirements so she doesn’t even have a department staff to connect with. Deep down, I think she wants to prove to herself she can do this she just doesn’t know where to start. She has said that if the school actually delivered 30% of what they sold her on, she would feel better. She wonders if the other schools she liked are doing a better job.

In terms of a roommate for next year, she applied for and was accepted into a sophomore residential seminar. Both her Dean and advisor thought she would be a good fit for the program. They have a different housing process and are paired with someone from their 12 person seminar, with the whole class living together on one floor. They have done a few Zoom activities as a group with the professor and she would be fine being matched with any of the others because they are all pretty serious about academics.

Sorry it is long. Just wanted to answer some questions and say thank you.

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