<p>Dd is a freshman at a top-ranked small, liberal arts school. It is a very white, rich school (we are neither) with lots of cliques. She is very outgoing, friendly, has always had lots of friends and is a natural-born leader (think of an 18yo Michelle Obama-- that's sort of what she's like) but she's miserable there. The other day, a couple of boys basically told her that they have ongoing jokes about her behind her back. I think the problem with the boys is that she's not a drop dead beautiful rich WASP. The girls are often nice/ polite to her-- but don't include her; they also rebuff her requests to study/ eat lunch/ hang out with her (she spends a lot of time studying). How long do we give it? She was crying for hours the other day. She doesn't have time for clubs and has already been to see the administration for advice. (The advice was to add social activities to her already-burdened schedule. She tried adding a few just to find out that the 'clubs' are really cliques who make a club to get school funding and are not interested in new people joining. The sports/ band seem to be where freshman make friends but she hasn't time for either.) I am thinking that she could leave now and would virtually be guaranteed to get into one of the many excellent colleges that accepted her and she turned down. If she finishes this year where she is attending, she will have to worry about her transfer grades and I'm thinking they won't be as good as her high school grades if she finds herself studying so hard.</p>
<p>" She doesn’t have time for clubs and has already been to see the administration for advice."</p>
<p>This concerns me because no matter what a student is majoring in, being in clubs is typically the main way that students make friends, and is an important aspect of the college experience. I’m concerned that she’s taking too difficult a courseload, and consequently is missing out on much of the college experience.</p>
<p>Ouch! I don’t know if I could stand it, but presumably you checked this school out, and I’d wonder if this is not just a variation of the “settling” period. Did you ahve any misgivings before she went? Can you only transfer after a year or more? I started college in the spring (albeit from an early departure from high school).</p>
<p>Is DD living in a dorm. Has she talked to the RA for some suggestions.
I think she needs to give it more time because this is still an adjustment period. Another option is to go through the Health Center if there is one, and ask to speak with a counselor there for some guidance.</p>
<p>Did your daughter visit this school before choosing to go there? What did she see when visiting that led her to choose the school?</p>
<p>I see no reason why she should have to join clubs that she’s not interested in; I would suggest that she look around in some of those small classes she’s in, and catch the eye of a few of the other people who are also disconnected from the popular set. Some people just take a bit longer to make friends. My highly intellectual daughter, at Reed (full of similar minded students) hated it–right through mid-October. Then she loved it.</p>
<p>Give it time.</p>
<p>“I see no reason why she should have to join clubs that she’s not interested in;”</p>
<p>I agree, but surely there are some clubs that she is interested in, perhaps, for instance, clubs related to what she plans to major in. ’
Did she not do activities in h.s.? Are there no college activities similar to things she participated in in h.s.?</p>
<p>Northstarmom, She is taking a difficult courseload and it definitely doesn’t help the issue but it may be too late to get out of them. She did a million activities in high school and did try to join at least 2 clubs at this college-- one turned out to be a clique of kids who are already friends (so their ‘meetings’ were impromptu and not really open to outsiders) and the other was all intl men trying to get her to introduce them to her roommate. The activities that seem to draw in new people are the sports team and band-- but it’s too late to join, she wouldn’t have time anyway with this courseload and the kids involved are there all the time. </p>
<p>We did visit-- twice. Dd really had a lot of choices (something like 10 acceptances). She’s never, ever had a problem making friends. If I go back into the school threads here on cc, I can find a few other minority kids warning of this so it does seem to be a problem at the school. Oh, and she has invited kids from her class to have lunch/ do homework/ hang out-- and they’ve turned her down. </p>
<p>What it looks like to me is that the college she had down as #2 among her acceptances requires a year of credits to transfer. So she either had to drop out and re-apply as a freshman (I think they would love to have her) or finish her year. </p>
<p>If you were the parent, would you contact someone? I know she has already spoken to several appropriate people already so I’m not sure what I could accomplish except perhaps to ask them to let her switch 1 class for an easier class so she has a bit of free time. (It’s past the add/ drop deadline but I’m not sure I should interfere.)</p>
<p>I’d be tempted to go the “interfere and drop the class” route, but my H would probably say “forget happiness and focus on studies” to make for the optimal transfer options.</p>
<p>I’m going to take a different tack here. I would say that there are times she is going to encounter ignorant, stupid people. Those experiences, in the end make us stronger. There must be someone at that school who is not part of a clique and who is more open minded about choosing their friends.<br>
Perhaps because she was more social in high school she is approaching the more social kids at this college. Are there other students who are in the same boat she is in and who might be more open to adding a friend or two?
I am not saying this is an easy road for anyone, let alone a teenager.<br>
I would think trying to change now would be pretty difficult. She can definitely transfer later but it is never advisable to leave school mid semester…
I sure feel for you and don’t mean to sound too pragmatic here. I can totally understand how it feels for a parent to know their child is unhappy and not be able to do much about it.
I would not talk to someone…I would let her keep going and perhaps talk to someone about switching one class to something easier.
One more note: I am not sure what those boys are trying to accomplish by telling her that people are talking about her. I would help her come up with a snappy retort for that one… Perhaps “What is it you are trying to accomplish by telling me that?”</p>
<p>First, I think it’s important to really get a better handle on why she is miserable. Is it really the school, academics, or something specific to her? Some of the incidences you mention sound a little off to me. By that I mean it sounds like there is more to the story here. Presumably she knew what type of school this was before matriculating there so some of the cultural aspects surely aren’t surprising. At what point did she make it known to you that she was experiencing problems?</p>
<p>Is she very far from home? Has she been away from home before for any length of time? It’s not my intention to minimize the negative interactions she’s had with other students, but is it possible she’s just very homesick?</p>
<p>Given the issues you’ve described, it’s likely the only RA who she could connect with would be a female with the same ethnicity.</p>
<p>Does the school have a dean for diversity…or a dean who has a responsibility for diversity? Most of the liberal arts colleges have someone in this type of position. I think someone like this…or the dean of students…would be a good person to speak with. And…if the discussion goes well…it’s possible she might be able to find a group of like minded people at the school that she would fit in with. If the discussion doesn’t go well, and she can’t develop some kind of support network, then the transfer options should definitely be pursued.</p>
<p>FLVADAD, I don’t think anything is off-- she’s not one to exaggerate, everything she’s said has panned out and, like I said, I went back into cc archives and found people had had the same problem. I don’t want to give too many specifics-- it’s a very small school-- so maybe that’s why it sounds off, because I’m not including too many details. </p>
<p>As far as at what point did she let us know.. I’ve known all along but it’s getting worse. She was very optimistic entering this school. We knew it was a WASPy rich school but, frankly, neither of us has been in that setting entirely. We live in a diverse area, in a diverse part of the country and dd has had predominantly white friends. We thought she would be fine because she’s always had friends of every race. There are kids at this school who have never met a black person. They are generally nice/ polite but don’t include her. There is also a lot of drinking (she doesn’t drink).</p>
<p>2boysima, She is very far but has been away from home before. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s partly homesickness-- I thought it was <em>all</em> homesickness and she would make friends but it hasn’t gotten better. There is someone responsible for diversity-- and one of her teachers sent him a note and he has met with her. Like I said, the administration is aware of the problem and I get the impression they have dealt with this and don’t want to lose her. I wonder if I should contact him.</p>
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<p>Yep, I definitely understand this. Thanks</p>
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<p>I would definitely call. I agree that they will likely want to do whatever they can to retain her as a student.</p>
<p>I agree. Call. They don’t want to lose her. Maybe they have an junior or senior who can help her out a bit.</p>
<p>And, my opinion, get her out of one of those hard classes. Her life is stressful enough right now.</p>
<p>I feel bad for your D but hope it can be sorted out over the next semester or so. The behavior of some of these students she’s tried interacting with is indeed strange and basically rude. How small is this school? Maybe she’d enjoy her time more at a larger school that has a more diverse student population and more activities. If she just transfers to another small LAC maybe the situation would be similar.</p>
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I wonder if this is a major part of the issue. I’ve seen other posts by parents of non-drinkers at small LACs where there’s lots of drinking and concerns about how their non-drinking kid isn’t finding friends. I don’t know how all of these resolve but it seems that the students would eventually meet other students with similar interests (and non-drinkers) and the outlook will start to pick up. The drinker/non-drimker issues exist to some extent at larger universities also but at least there are many more students at the larger school and therefore more opportunities to find other non-drinkers.</p>
<p>I don’t know what good you calling the administration would do unless you’re referring to strictly finding out the specifics of transferring. They won’t be able to find friends for your D - she’ll have to do that on her own. </p>
<p>It’s only been a few weeks so far. I think your D might need to give it more time and hopefully she’ll find others with similar interests to her own.</p>
<p>Is there any kind of cultural or religious affinity club that may be a good fit? Though it’s a very small campus, I’m inclined to think that there may be at least a few other students of the same race/religion and she may feel better if she can commiserate with others who have had the same negative experience. Also – is there a community service type of club – maybe Habitat or something similar that does work off campus? Often the people in those clubs are nice and down to earth and they bond with others as they build houses, tutor local kids etc. It doesn’t matter if she hasn’t done that particular activity before but it’ll just be a chance to meet people who have interests besides talking about who is carrying the most expensive purse, which frat is throwing the best party etc. </p>
<p>Other than that, I’d say just get out of her dorm room as much as possible even to go study in the library, student union etc. Sometimes people make friends with the people they see over and over at the library. But even if that doesn’t happen, dorm communities are pretty small and sometimes people get talked about if there are activities going on and they aren’t participating or aren’t even included; that’s far less likely to happen if she isn’t there and is off doing her own thing.</p>
<p>You have a real catch 22 with your daughter: she needs more time to be able to try to find social outlets/activities, yet she finds herself needing to study so much that she has no time to give. Volunteering or even getting a part time job might be an option if she had more free time. In order to prioritize and figure out if this school will work or if a future transfer may be in the works, I highly suggest she call the health center and spend an hour or two with a counselor. At this point, you are probably so worried about her that once you hear she has been crying again, it is hard for you to be an objective listener. Sitting down with an uninvolved, objective person will give her the opportunity to review her options and see if her perceptions are in line with the reality of her situation. I am dismayed and disappointed that race may be a factor as that only clouds the picture and makes it that much more difficult for her to see herself eventually fitting in. I hope she finds her place at this school, but I think if she finds herself the victim of racism, it may be best to transfer to a more enlightened environment. Good luck.</p>
<p>If your daughter is thinking of transferring, and its ok with you, then she should call the admissions office of the college(s) that she’d like to attend as soon as she feels up to it. They may be able to take her for January. The situation sounds awful for her. Look very carefully at those colleges before you call, and think about how she is going to present her case to them.</p>
<p>clear your PM box, OP, it is fill ;)</p>
<p>I am wondering why she chose this school, out of all of her acceptances? Was there some particularly strong factor that trumped the others? If so, is that still a factor or has it gotten lost in the negatives? Might be worthwhile to revisit the decision-making process as part of resolving this situation…If she winds up transferring you want to make sure you’ve covered all the angles and don’t end up with a similar mismatch.</p>