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<p>She may or may not be. She just turned 17 and doesn’t know the city. Even the college suggested safety in numbers when venturing outside of Morningside. It is her decision to either use the wisdom that I have shared and the College suggests or take a risk. Obviously I wouldn’t have said that if she was familiar with the city or was a 2nd year. I don’t think telling her that is ridiculous at all.</p>
<p>It seems apparent that it´s different strokes for different folks. I think getting a class schedule seems like a reasonable thing to do. After all, your college kid probably knows your work schedule…or you would be happy to share it with them if they asked for it.
I would also have the room mate´s and a couple friends´ contact info. But then, I would text-call D and let her know that I am going to call the friend if I don´t hear back soon. Then all she´d have to do is reply! I think responding to a concerned parent is just common courtesy. I would feel the same if the roles were reversed. If my kiddo is trying to contact me, I will certainly respond, and I think it´s reasonable to expect the same.<br>
All that said, that doesn´t mean I would be constantly texting or calling all day long, or when I know she´s likely to be in the middle of something, but our kids are part of our lives and wanting to stay in contact makes perfect sense.</p>
<p>to supplement my earlier comment - if my parents mentioned concern over my “radio silence” i always responded within 24 hours, but if there was no concern expressed I took my time. 1-2weeks was usually the window they gave me before saying something - I was also far more responsive to emails and even though I stressed that to them, they still preferred phone.</p>
<p>My kids both went to college in urban areas…one more urban than the other. The reality was that they both had to venture OFF campus to get to other parts of their campus. The schools were in cities where the city was actually part of the campus. If my kids had been told not to venture off campus, one of the would not have been able to get from his dorm to his classroom buildings.</p>
<p>I take this approach: no news is good news. It’s too late to know when something bad happens. There is not much we can do about it. I called my son 3,4 times per semester. I call my daughter 4,5 times per semester. It’s a hit and miss. I just re-watched my son’s graduation video taken less than 4 months ago. I felt like it’s a decade ago already.</p>
<p>What’s the point of going to college in New York City if you don’t venture off campus? It’s New York City, not Kabul.
[Why</a> I Let My 9-Year-Old Ride the Subway Alone - The New York Sun](<a href=“http://www.nysun.com/opinion/why-i-let-my-9-year-old-ride-subway-alone/73976/]Why”>http://www.nysun.com/opinion/why-i-let-my-9-year-old-ride-subway-alone/73976/)</p>
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<p>Noone suggested that she not venture out. I said she should not venture out by herself. In fact she’s in Harlem right now with her friends at a soul food restaurant. Two weeks ago she was in Chinatown.
As far as the campus it’s pretty large and her classes are all over. That’s not what I was referring to. She traveled by herself there twice. Again there is strength in numbers.</p>
<p>Haven’t read all of the thread.</p>
<p>There is a difference between frequency of contact and expectation of response to a question or request.</p>
<p>Frequency of contact will vary between families and their specific dynamics. Whether they contact each other once a month or everyday is their choice.</p>
<p>The issue of response time, esp to a question that needs an answer pretty quickly, is a matter of politeness, thoughtfulness and common courtesy independent of the relationship between the two people (assuming that it is a friendly one). I would expect my child to answer at his first convenience (study group ends, practice finishes, or he notices he received a text) no different than my colleague or spouse.</p>
<p>^^^ I agree.</p>
<p>I think it depends on the type of information you need. It is different if your child is traveling alone back to college after a holiday or summer break and you want to know they arrived safely. That to me is different from randomly calling during the week and expecting an immediate reply.</p>
<p>When he/she was in h.s. what sort of call/texting norms did your family usually follow? This isn’t a one size fits all type of question. </p>
<p>For a college age student, it certainly seems intrusive for the parents to insist on their class schedule. Exactly what would that tell you? Classes are sometimes cancelled or rescheduled for various reasons. I think by the time your child is in college, they need to be adult enough to know how to productively use their time. There are a large number of things they might do in their free time: 1) go to the library to study, 2) go shopping, 3) participate in sports or ECA’s, 4) visiting with friends, 5) snoozing…etc. I don’t think it necessary for parents to micro-manage that. Some locations may also have spotty/no cell phone reception.</p>
<p>Personally I think the whole “1 week” figure is kinda strange.</p>
<p>At this stage in my life, I couldn’t imagine not calling my parents at least every 2-3 days. Especially if I were a college freshman where there aren’t too many people who would “notice” or care that I was gone.</p>
<p>There’s nothing wrong with venturing out by yourself from time to time, especially in the middle of the day in public places.</p>
<p>As someone who has a fairly good relationship with their parents, but currently pays for everything (rent, food, tuition, gas, etc) EXCEPT my phone bill by myself, I think a reasonable amount of time is 24 hours. My only exception to this would be if they are honestly paying for EVERYTHING themselves, at which point you can’t really “expect” anything from them…</p>
<p>With that being said, I do think that you overreacted and if I was in the same situation myself would be annoyed that you called the school… This is a grown kid we are talking about, things come up in life, and honestly sometimes you look at a text while your busy and forget that you received it… **** happens.</p>
<p>Re: alone in NYC Going to a bar in the evening with friends sure - it’s probably safer to have company, but I can’t imagine not going to the local CVS on Broadway, down to the MOMA or even Times Square with a chaperone. I attended Columbia at the height of the crack epidemic and I didn’t think twice about traveling all over NYC on my own. There were things I didn’t do at the time (north end of Central Park - which BTW is fine now) or Morningside Park, and lots of Harlem was really shady then - not so much now. </p>
<p>I think if a parent is in the habit of phoning a kid knowing the class schedule is a good idea, I know what classes my kid is taking, but unless I go look it up (and I do have access to the place to look it up) I don’t know when they meet. I do know he has no classes this year on Fridays, which enabled him to take a long weekend with us to see a concert tonight.</p>
<p>I’m coming into this post late, but one thing I have noticed these days is that college students are very similar to three year olds…the world is all about them, and they are ego-centric. They’ve been allowed to become this way, because we “respect” their independence,etc. My D is a junior at college, and I hear from her every Wed evening because it’s convenient. Now, if I call or text on another day of the week, I definitely expect a response. If I don’t hear from her within a few hours, I will try again. If it’s a day or so, I may just have to call a roommate, or email my D and try that way. I have told her a few times now, that while I know she’s having a good time, and is busy, everything is NOT just about her life. Life is still going on for me, and her sibling, her grandparents, etc. If I am trying to reach her it could be with a question, about someone’s health, an emergency, etc, and I NEED her to get in touch with me. Someday, if sadly she lives in her own bubble with no one alive who cares for her, she can revel in her independence. Until then, as a member of a very loving family, she will need to put up with being a part of that family and all the joy, sorrow, and phone calls that may come with us!</p>
<p>I don’t care what age you are; if someone is trying to reach you, it is because they need to speak to you for some reason important to them. We all need to stop being selfish and realize the polite thing to do is think about the needs of the person trying to reach you. Respond to them quickly and politely, not as if their presence in your life is a pain in the A**. If their presence in your life is such a pain, block their calls and don’t expect to be included in the next family reunion, etc! I have friends whose parents have passed on. Mine are still alive. I talk to them almost every day, sometimes cheerfully, and sometimes in a rush, but I am so glad they are still alive to call me and want to talk, or visit, or tell me the same story again…! Our kids need a reminder that FAMILY /close relationships is what life is about.</p>
<p>If I need an immediate response from my kids…I put that in an email or text to them…and tell them why.</p>
<p>Otherwise, I do not expect them to respond quickly…sometimes they do, and sometimes they don’t.</p>
<p>But if I TELL them it’s important and why…they respond. I only tell them it’s important and I need a response quickly if it IS truly important…and time sensitive.</p>
<p>We have never texted or called daily…or even twice weekly. My kids weren’t the ones who phoned home daily or sent emails or texts daily. </p>
<p>One of my kids lived in a third world country, and had no electricity. We tried to audio Skype once a week, but sometimes it just could not happen. Because of her location, she could not send text messages or receive them. We did have a Peace Corps contact number in the event there was an emergency. Their rule of thumb was three weeks…and they suggested volunteers contact family somehow at least that often.</p>
<p>To the OP’s initial question, I probably would not expect a student to make it a point to speak to me more than once a week (more would be welcome, and I would make effort to respond promptly if the student wanted to speak more.) But a text message from next-of-kin should get a response as soon as feasible, in my opinion, at any age. Even if the response is just “we’ll talk about it on Saturday”. </p>
<p>By next-of-kin, at any age, I include grand/parents and grand/children of any age, spouses of any age, siblings of any age. I assume that the person has a cell phone and monitors texts at least daily, which is a given in the OP’s query.</p>
<p>By responding promptly, I mean whenever that person would normally check texts – when the plane lands and they’re waiting for a suitcase, when they finish lunch, when they put the dead phone back on the charger, etc.</p>
<p>I think it’s common courtesy for next-of-kin to be given the name and number of a few neighbors, whether it’s your elderly mother’s neighbors, or your college kid’s close friends or roommates on campus. And then, of course, you don’t abuse that information by calling the neighbor after a short lapse in contact from the loved one. In this case, the student has withheld that information, and left the OP in a quandary about how to reach out. </p>
<p>Either the student is legitimately afraid the OP will go overboard with contacting the roommate, or the student is overlooking the parent’s feelings, maybe a bit drunk with new-found freedom. Let’s hope, for the student’s sake, that the OP does not move on from this emotionally, and become a bit drunk with the realization of all she could have and do, if she stopped paying tuition sooner than later.</p>
<p>In my experience, the quickest way to get a response from the kid is to text a picture of the dog.</p>
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<p>Well said. When did we get to the point where the college student is exempt from common courtesy and polite human discourse? Somewhere in this thread a poster proudly proclaimed that they would often wait a week before returning parents phone calls. This doesn’t display independence it displays a childish tantrum…you can’t make me neener neener neener…</p>
<p>Most parents are not overbearing, omnipresent ogres who wish to control their kids lives on a minute by minute, GPS tracking, hidden camera, black box basis. They are however people with their own insecurities, fears and needs. </p>
<p>And funny how the world turns…this summer H and I were out one evening and it ran later than we had told our college D and soon to be launched S. Guess what…H and I got an earful when we got home…Hey…can’t you guys text and tell us you are going to be late!! Why didn’t you answer our texts (it was a concert and we didn’t hear/feel the phone)…guess what…the kiddles were worried…and H and I should have notified them. It’s called common courtesy.</p>
<p>D - now a junior - and I text most days…usually about something completely banal…today for example I was informed that the neighbor guys have a superhuman sense of smell…they can detect a box of cookies being opened through several closed windows and a few walls…yes…her care package box of cookies is empty. I’ll ask her about her take on the latest Project Runway results. If this kid did not answer a text within 12 hours…yes, I’d worry because the phone is stuck to her hip.</p>
<p>S just launched and we are working out how this communication will settle. I expect there will be few if any ‘chatty’ texts. S reports on data ;)…as all good engineers are apt to do. However, if H or I contact him with a direct question…we darned well expect an answer in a timely fashion. That timely fashion for this kid would be by end of day because we know he will check his phone before going to sleep. That said, an acceptable response is…‘K’.</p>
<p>Last year our college senior D drove her younger bro. back to his college (different college in same major metro area) after Thanksgiving break–they had flown in, and she had left her car at the airport. We knew they reached S’s college since we talked to S, but D never called us to say she arrived at her place. This was on a Sunday evening. We tried to call her several times on Mon., Tues., and Wed., and there was no answer, with phone going straight to voice mail. We worried, but D hasn’t been that good about answering her phone, returning calls, or keeping her phone charged. By Wed., even H, who never worries, was concerned. We didn’t have roommates’ numbers. (We weren’t even sure WHO her roommates were that semester, since she’d had some different roommates every year.) H called campus security (small college, everyone knows D), to check on her. Sure enough, D was at her apartment. Her excuse? She hadn’t turned her phone on after she got off the plane. . . and she was so involved in several huge projects due that week she never noticed the phone was off. D was a bit embarrassed, but the security guy just asked her if she knew where her phone was and to call her parents. Security guy was understanding and perfectly happy to check on D.</p>
<p>Last year I accidentally pocket dialed S’s suite-mate, but hung up when I heard ringing/saw unfamiliar number on my phone. (The suite-mate had once called my phone, which was listed as S’s number before S got a cell phone, and I never deleted his number. S is autistic, and he and the suite-mate co-existed peacefully, but were not friendly.)
Half an hour later, S’s suite-mate called me back (he knew he was calling S’s mom) and asked if there was any problem or if I was trying to reach my son. I was embarrassed, but impressed that this kid–who was not really a friend-- was polite and concerned/helpful enough that he returned my call.</p>
<p>Oldest S did not have a cell phone when he started college. He flew across the country alone and had to take a shuttle from airport to college. He had a phone card, but never let us know he arrived (we asked for call or email.) After about 4 days I called the school (small school) to make sure he was there. He was. (H dropped him at the airport curb, and S’s parting words were, “I don’t want to go to college,” so yes, I wanted to make sure he’d arrived.)</p>
<p>Many, many years ago, when I was in graduate school, I went to Germany for a semester. I left with three suitcases and no place to live. I told my parents that I would call them when I found a place to live. It took me three weeks to find an apartment. Upon finding an apartment, I called my friend in France to say that I was coming to visit. The first words out of her mouth were, “You need to call your parents. They are absolutely frantic and are trying to have the German police find you.” As a very inconsiderate 23 year old, I didn’t understand what the big deal was. I told my parents that I would call them who I found a place to live and it took me 3 weeks to find a place to live. I meant it literally and obviously my parents were not of the same mind. When my son doesn’t get back to me right away, I think back to my lack of communication with my parents when I was in college! :)</p>