<p>willowoak, something like what you posted happened to us once with DS1 and we ended up calling the resident staff of his house to get his attention. The agreement we have is that he has to respond by phone, email or text within 24 hours.</p>
<p>I save texts for questions that need a quick, same day response. I send FB messages for items I want to share that I think are cute or funny but not really important. I email also for important items that need a response, but can wait a day or two. I very rarely call because I don’t want to interrupt.
I think it’s a good plan on paper but it doesn’t really work. She is so slow at getting back to me.
Most other CC kids seem to call their parents at least every week, but mine calls only when something exceptionally wonderful happens, and that doesn’t happen often enough! 
I am resigned to knowing that if she is kidnapped, it’ll be weeks before I have an idea that something is wrong. Meanwhile I have long conversations with the dog…</p>
<p>Being a college student, I think waiting 48 hours is TOO LONG especially in this age where long range communication goes quite fast. Only exceptions IMO are probably studying for exams, being on vacation (Spring break or whatever), or having power outage or something.</p>
<p>12-24 hours should be more than reasonable amount of time to response provided that you do not text the student so often. </p>
<p>I still can’t believe you agreed to 48 hours though…</p>
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<p>This is the only guaranteed “proof of life” thing I can do to reach my son, too. I was just visiting him this weekend and he reminded me again to keep sending pictures of the dogs. </p>
<p>The other thing I realized when I was visiting is that he is already functioning as an independent adult (for the most part–of course we are still supporting him financially). He is making all kinds of big and little decisions every day without asking his dad or me what he should do. He chooses his classes, manages his time, has a busy social life and does a lot of traveling with friends on the weekends (hiking, camping, boating, etc.). I have NO idea where he is 99% of the time. Maybe the OP needs to visit her child at school, if she hasn’t already.</p>
<p>Descuff, this might seem astonishing to you, but even in this day and age there are people without unlimited cell phones and some don’t have them at all! We THINK that in this day and age EVERYBODY has them, EVERYBODY needs and wants to be in 24/7 access mode, but it’s really not the case. Quite a few of all of my kids’ friends do not have cell phones. Some share a phone with their parents or spouse, some use ipods that can text, some use…LANDLINES! </p>
<p>There are many, many people who go through life without a phone stuck to their hips and do not WANT to be at anyone’s beck and call at all times, no matter who is paying. It’s just that some of us think it’s REQUIRED. It’s not. I don’t ask it of my kids and I don’t expect them to ask it of me. Ironically, the access to unlimited cell phones has never been guiding factor as to how often my out-of-the-house kids call. It’s been what is going on with them, how they’re feeling and whether or not I have things happening.</p>
<p>Parents with good relationships with their kids will hear from them, plain and simple.</p>
<p>sally- this is a good point. they growup without you seeing it so you assume they are still at the stage you last laid eyes on them…visit is a good idea in their environment- not yours.</p>
<p>Lately, my some of my text message have been delayed for several hours. I’m wondering if I need to change cell phone companies, or if this is normal.</p>
<p>S doesn’t communicate much, but will respond to a “still alive?” message with “yes”. I also insist that he call when he gets back to his apt. or dorm after travelling. He knows this is important to me because of personal experience. My first year in grad school, a guy I knew people at school he was going home over Christmas break, and told his parents he was staying on campus to run some labs. I’m sure I don’t need to spell out what happened. The next year, a woman I knew was abducted–apparently at the airport–when she was returning to school after Thanksgiving.</p>
<p>I think you called the campus too soon, but I also think 48 hours is too long. Rather than just ask how long you should wait before you worry, you should have used that as a conversation started - set expectations on both ends of how long is reasonable and why. I would go with 24 hours, and have the expectation that you will be notified ahead of time if there will be reason to wait longer (Is he going on a trip for the weekend where he might not have cell service? Let you know, so you won’t expect a reply so quickly, and then let you know when he gets back on campus). Does he have to tell you where he’s going? No, just that he won’t be reachable. Courtesy on his part.</p>
<p>As for the question of who pays the cell phone bill, I think it is relevant, though not necessarily for the reason some might think. I pay for my D’s cell phone (a prepaid - not unlimited), so that we can stay in touch. I pay it so she has the means to communicate efficiently and quickly WITH ME. If she is not going to use the cell phone for MY intended purpose, then I don’t feel the need to pay for it. The ability to use the cell phone to communicate with her friends is an added bonus, but not why I pay for it. </p>
<p>sseamom - some of us have perfectly good relationships with our kids, but we still will not hear from them. I can send emails until my face turns blue, but I won’t get a reply unless I ask a question that requires an immediate response from my oldest. That’s just the way she is. She’s the one that traveled half way across the country alone for the first time with a change of planes, and didn’t think it was necessary to let us know she got there safely - and didn’t respond to emails and voice mails for over a week - until the “bank of Dad” was about to arrive on campus. Our relationship with her is fine - she’s just not a communicator, and never has been.</p>
<p>Sorry, but I think the “I am paying for it, so you must do _____________” is something which can backfire. </p>
<p>I never throw the money card into my kids’ faces because I want them to understand that keeping in touch with family is something which brings richness into all our lives. Someday I won’t be paying for her life…I want her to have a history of keeping in contact, and responding to phone calls or text messages because it’s a respectful thing to do, not because it’s mandated by virtue of a financial arrangement which is temporary at best.</p>
<p>
I agree … I could be a bit of a self-righteous jerk when I was 18-19. If my parents had said something like “I’m paying the cell phone bill so you must answer with 2 hours” then I would have likely done something like … 1) given them their cell phone back … 2) gotten my own cell phone … and 3) told them something like “I paid for my cell phone and my rule is only I, the payer for the phone, can set any rule about required responses and there is no requirement”. I only went into jerk mode when my parents 1) did not, IMO, acknowledge I was a young adult who might make different decisions than them … and 2) made a power play when I did something different then they preferred. My immediate reaction was to remove their position of power about the issue … and to use the (lack of) logic of their position and turned it on them.</p>
<p>So OP, to me, the best of course of action is for you and your kids have an adult conversation about expectations without coming anywhere near the we’re the boss argument. Also try to separate true needs for communication and communication you’d like because it would make you feel better even though it would not have any affect on any actions that might need to happen.</p>
<p>While I was in my senior year of high school, we came up with some code words that we’re still using now. There’s words for how things are generally going, an emergency word, and a word to indicate we got a message. In the case of needing a response, that pretty much means “got it, I’ll get back to you when I can.” So all it takes is messaging a short word or two to get across something like “I’m fine, just can’t talk right now.”</p>
<p>As far as general communication and safety concerns, basically what we’ve agreed on is if my parents haven’t heard anything from me in 72 hours without prior notice, start trying to track me down. For me that’s a pretty long time to have zero contact (as one that likes to do a quick check-in once a day), but we allow 72 hours in case of stuff coming up (such as a big project) and not being able to contact for whatever reason. For texts, there’s no set rule but I try to respond within a few hours if at all possible, no matter who it is. My parents do have a copy of my schedule so they know when not to try to contact.</p>
<p>For how long is acceptable, it depends on the child. I had a roommate last year that wasn’t one to contact much in general, and her and her parents agreed on contact at least once a week. One of my roommates this year gives her parents a quick call every couple days because she’s really close to them. I’d say as a general rule that 48 hours is reasonable.</p>
<p>Your child should respond via text or phone call whenever you tempt contact. Roommate contact is good idea. Is there an established parent group t the school? If not, consider rating one. My opinion.</p>
<p>3togo and others: Do you have the same agreement with your kids about paying their tuition? You’ll continue to pay it no matter what–no expectations at all on your part? What about money for a car or apartment rent? No strings attached? </p>
<p>As far as paying for a phone goes, I am more than happy to provide a phone for both my daughter (freshman) and son (senior). But the truth is both of them can afford to pay their own cell phone bill. If I knew either of them was being RUDE to anyone (not just me) by ROUTINELY not returning calls/emails/texts in a timely manner, then I would not continue to pay for that service. In my opinion taking a WEEK to return a message is over-the-top rude–especially when an appropriate response is only one or two words. </p>
<p>However, as I said earlier, this issue has never come up in our family. I’m REALLY surprised by how many people only communicate with their kids once a week. That revelation has really caused me to think about my own family experience. My mom and grandmother always talked to each other at least 3-4 times a week. My freshman daughter and I text or email once a day and talk on the phone a couple times a week (brief conversations though). My daughter and son are at the same college and communicate with each other every day or two and eat with each other once a week. They both tend to communicate with my DH mostly by email (he doesn’t text). The emails are short but frequent. Both of my kids talk to their grandparents at least a couple of times a month. At least as far as I can tell, in all of these relationships, if there is one person who does the majority of initiating contact, it is not apparent to me. I thought most families were like this. Now I’m beginning to wonder if we’re weird. :)</p>
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To me this black and white question is a false dichotomy … no one has no limits and no one limits everything … we’re all fall somewhere on a continuum. And yes we are way closer to the minimal limits end of the spectrum. Actually thinking about it we limit what we will pay and then haven’t ever come closer to playing the “we’re paying so we get to set the rules card” with one exception.<br>
- We pay for a basic cell phone plan … if the kids want better phones or more minutes they pay … we limit or dictate nothing about how to use their phone.
- We pay for 8 semesters of school … they can pick majors, courses, etc … we do not ask for updates or set rules about how they perform their school work. (The one case we play we pay so we can have a rule is we expect reasonable grades for us to continue to pay)
- Etc.
(Full disclosure … if we had a kid who changes major 20 times and was not making any progress towards a degree we might decide to be a lot tougher about paying for 8 semesters … we’re 2 for 2 so far with this not being an issue at all).</p>
<p>As I said discussions like the OP are handled as a discussion looking for solution that works for the two of us … and without thoughts or use of whatever leverage we have in the relationship. I can’t speak for Mom3ToGo but I know for me I don’t want to play the leverage card because I know virtually every bad memory I have about my parents relationship with me is about their trying to use their parent leverage after I was a young adult … in situations where their desires were just for them and not affecting any real outcome. (Telling me I can’t drive drunk in their car was not an issue … telling me I had to tell them whenever I left campus and when I got back was). My parents were not mean or controlling people … they would just throw out rules that would make them feel better without discussion … and yes I resented it.</p>
<p>PS - I all think the OP’s son not responding for so long was rude and inconsiderate … I just don’t think the way to handle the situation is to play “we pay you must respond” card … or the “do it because we say so” card. My family may be weird also but if we discuss issues with our kids we typically move towards each other and find solutions both sides can live with even if they don’t love the solution.</p>
<p>My parents and grandparents died before cell phones were affordable for many and when long-distance was still not free. My mother spoke to her mother once a month for about an hour, always on Sundays when rates were cheapest. When I lived in the same city we spoke often and had frequent family dinners/brunches with my siblings and their kids. After we began moving out of state, we called when we could afford it. Maybe that is why I’m not hell-bent on holding my kids’ phones hostage unless they talk to me. I remember living without 24/7 contact and even AFFORDABLE calls, so I know that lack of calling/reply doesn’t mean someone is being discourteous or doesn’t care.</p>
<p>If it works for you to talk to family members all the time, that’s all that should matter. It’s INSISTING that family do that that bothers me. Once people grow up, move away, and have lives of their own, it’s time to loosen up the control. And I don’t think having guidelines for attending school and working hard if I’m paying are nearly the same as holding a phone hostage unless they call. School is my kid’s job, even in HS for which I do not pay. College will be her job when she goes. Making sure she reads my emails or texts and replies in time won’t be nearly so high on the list.</p>
<p>To clarify: I don’t think there is ANYTHING rude about only communicating with your parents once a week. I DO think that it is rude to take a week to reply to a question from ANYONE, parents included.</p>
<p>I think the big issue here is to actually COMMUNICATE when you talk with your kids. If you want (or feel you need) a response within a 24 hour window, let him know 48 hours is too long - negotiate, and tell him why you want a shorter response time. If you want to be told when he leaves campus for an extended time, and when he returns, explain why you think it’s a good idea - and why it might be an advantage to him. If my D is leaving campus for the weekend, I am more inclined to not initiate contact while she’s gone, because I would be interrupting something. By the same token, while she has a roommate who would presumably be aware if she was missing, her roommate might also assume that she is fine, and just not crossing paths.</p>
<p>We all have heard of horror stories of things happening on campus, and they do make some parents worry. If you are a worrier, you child needs to understand and respect who you are - just as you need to understand and respect their personality. If you worry, and they don’t communicate much, you have to negotiate a plan that makes you both comfortable. I don’t see a problem with telling them that their tuition is contingent upon finding a workable plan, but I do see a problem if you insist on setting the requirements yourself (unless there is a legitimate life & death concern)</p>
<p>Lol this reminds me so much of my mom. In high school she would leave like 4 voicemails within 2 hours if I didn’t call back. It got to the point where I stopped even using voicemails because my voicemail box would fill up so quickly. BTW, someone has been murdered everywhere in the past decade… But I guess you can’t blame someone for caring too much about their kids. It’s just funny how excessive it is. Do yourself and lighten up a little before you have a heart attack though.</p>
<p>To the OP, I can understand being worried when not getting a response to a text that you thought deserved a response. I also can understand worrying about a kid who is away from home as a freshman and is just finding friends, activities, places to studying, maybe walking alone at night (even in a “safe” place). We had periods in the beginning of freshman year where we did not hear anything for a while, and then we got multiple calls in a day other times. Things so smoothly (sometimes little communication) and then not so great (lots of calls). I worry less now, but I still worry (and remember that old country hit - “when the phone don’t ring, you’ll know it’s me”.)</p>
<p>As to calling the college, I would have sent a few more texts, or called and left a message before I did that, but this is a period of great change for the kids, and you really don’t know who your kid will mature into (with all due respect to everyone who thinks they do know.) Sometimes they are tied up all day with class, etc. and really don’t have a minute to call. It is good to communicate, and have an understanding that even a short text like I will call you later would do alot to alleviate anxiety.</p>
<p>A few weeks ago, my husband received a text on his phone “this phone was found at X, and is at the front desk.” This was not our college student, but his grown daughter’s phone, thousands of miles away. She is the mother of a few little ones herself. At first he couldn’t even understand why he would get the text, but I explained to him that he must be listed as “Dad” in her phone, and the finder called the Dad to report the found phone. Her husband, I am sure is not listed in the phone as “husband”. Since they have no land line, we had to text the husband to tell him about the phone. He is a surgeon, and we didn’t want to call him since he could be in the OR. Such are the tribulations of modern communications.</p>
<p>I think many parents have been in your situation and worried about the slow reply or having to wait days for a response, especially the first weeks of the school year. </p>
<p>Need to establish that they need to reply to your texts sooner, preferably same day.</p>
<p>There have been so many times, I really miss my D and wish she would communicate more, more than just weekly. So, I would initiate a text at 12am-1am (very late) when my D’s social activity may have winded down, and is more likely to respond to me.</p>
<p>It’s just very short small talk, no lectures.</p>
<p>It keeps me from worrying and getting upset, keeps a communication channel going.</p>