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<p>I agree.</p>
<p>I want my Ds to know that and respond to any communications from me in a timely manner NOT because I’m paying for their phones, but because that is the respectful thing to do and because they would want the same from others.</p>
<p>My son is pretty good. I text 1-2x a week and hear back in a timely way but I know his schedule so I only text during a break from class. </p>
<p>It is really hard not to have more contact, a real struggle sometimes but you gotta do it.</p>
<p>Our family texts each other for informational things and things that we need a rather timely response. If it’s a one way information, then the other person is supposed to just text “K” to identify that the text has been read and understood (or :)). It’s been discussed in our family that this is how we all respond to texts, not just the kids. If others need a response sooner, then they can retext “?” to remind the receiver that they are waiting for a response. </p>
<p>If we want to catch up and have a detailed chat, then phone calls work better. However, we will text each other to figure out when is a good time in both people’s schedules so that they are both available to chat.</p>
<p>So in our setup, if I text info and need a response, and get none, and I type “?” a few times, and still get no response (maybe in a period of 24 hours while at college), then I’d start calling alternative phone numbers, friends phones etc.</p>
<p>D + I text maybe 1-20 times per week with phone calls maybe every 1-3 months.
S will probably be 0.25 - 5 times per week texts.</p>
<p>It’s a matter of respect. I would set some rules from now on.</p>
<p>My family has already gotten to deal with having a family member go missing for a sizable amount of time, and because of this I know neither of my children would let a text message go unanswered for long. I think this is a fairly personal issue. To have someone just disappear is something that we all know as a very real possibility. </p>
<p>I know that there was a night when my daughter was out in high school that I almost went crazy when she did not text back for 3 hours. I guess I was spoiled because she usually kept her phone with her and sent something back quickly in response to a question. My daughter knew I was serious when I said I almost lost it, and that I had a hard time not just getting in the car and driving around our little town looking for her. So she has remained considerate and she responds quickly if she gets a message from me, and I try hard not to worry when the hours slip by without a response.</p>
<p>Now she is in college and a week can go by without hearing from her. I don’t worry because when I send a message she gets back to me. If it took 24 hours I think I would be beside myself with worry. I would definitely have phoned the school. I don’t think I a close to a helicopter parent, I just have lived through the pain of weeks of uncertainty about a loved one, and there is, as far as I know, no way to move past it completely. I respond to calls, texts and emails promptly because of this experience, and I expect the same from those who love me.</p>
<p>Back when I was in college if my mom called and I was not there, someone else who lived in the dorm would have answered the phone and they would have mentioned that I was alive and well, just not available. With cell phones this type of assurance is not available. I only have my daughter’s phone number.</p>
<p>"And at that point they realize that, while they may not need to talk to me, I need to hear from them. And in the next day or so I get a nice chatty phone call, or at least an email or text with what’s going on in their crazy, busy lives. "</p>
<p>Congrats, you have raised responsible and empathetic children!</p>
<p>Safety apart. I would like to talk to my children because I miss them. Why is this a way street. I arranged my entire life around my kids for the last 18 years. My daughter did not ask me to do that but I did that anyway. When she does not call me or tells me when I call her that she does not have time to talk to me, it hurts a lot. It is a two minute call </p>
<p>The point is why don’t the kids realize that their parents miss them and it would make parents happy to hear from them. I do not think it is a big deal for them to make a 2 minute phone call.
Some of the reasons that I think kids don’t call parents-</p>
<p>Calling parents reminds them of their other big responsibility- they are at college to study. They are either neglecting them or the grades or not up to par.</p>
<p>The parents make them feel like little kids again.</p>
<p>Parents have big expectations and they feel like failures when they talk to their parents when in their hearts they know that they will not be able to fulfill them.</p>
<p>They never got along with the parent in the first place- its a relief to get away from the parent. </p>
<p>Parents were too controlling at home, their way of saying " try controlling me now"</p>
<p>They are just plain selfish and we here are coming up with excuses for that bad behavior.</p>
<p>So, in the end, I feel like a failure as a parent when my daughter does not call me. I did not teach her to be kind and empathetic.
I think it is bull if the child is saying that they have been super busy to call. A 2 minute phone call does not take too much time. It is case of recognizing that their parents needs to hear from them, miss them and being kind and loving enough to make a quick call to meet that need.</p>
<p>Dipali, I do see your point but I also know that I am privy to info from my son that I would never have told my own mom. I am actually always surprised when he does tell me some of those things. So I don’t take his lack of calling me to chat (I always am the one to call him) that he doesn’t recognize I miss him. </p>
<p>And it isn’t really his job to make me feel better about missing him. </p>
<p>I think all families have to find that balance of contact whether it is through phone calls, texts or emails and move to the next stage of communication.</p>
<p>Before I called the school, I would CALL the kid on their cell phone and send an email. A text alone without response would not be sufficient to make me call the school!</p>
<p>Wow! Some of you text your kids 20 times a week sometimes? Do you expect a response each of those 20 times?</p>
<p>I’ve had a sea change since receiving the annoyed message from my child. I realize that child does not want or expect much contact right now. The child can contact me, and I will be glad to talk, message. But no more initiation from my end unless something dire happens to the family. I am not one to pry.</p>
<p>Incidentally, I haven’t heard from that child since I first started this message.</p>
<p>I have a friend who lost a husband recently and just had an operation for cancer. That friend wants and needs contact from me, so I have spent time talking to her.</p>
<p>Of course, I realize that leaves my needs and wants out of the equation, but perhaps I am not that needy. Yes, it would be nice to talk to my child, but I would rather not talk with my child if the child is only doing so out of obligation.</p>
<p>Quote: So, in the end, I feel like a failure as a parent when my daughter does not call me. I did not teach her to be kind and empathetic.
I think it is bull if the child is saying that they have been super busy to call. A 2 minute phone call does not take too much time. It is case of recognizing that their parents needs to hear from them, miss them and being kind and loving enough to make a quick call to meet that need. </p>
<p>^^ I in no way shape or form feel like a failure because my son doesn’t call me. It is not a reflection of my parenting skills, but more a reflection of his personality. I know that my son is not just going to call me out of the blue. It is not in his nature and he is not a phone person. BTW - He is one of the most kind and empathetic people I know. Having said that, I call him on Sunday afternoons every week. The last time I called, we talked for over 30 minutes. Why would I wait for him to call? I am sure that I could ask him to call me once a week, but isn’t it easier just to pick up the phone and call him? I don’t take his lack of calling as an indicator of how much he loves and cares about me.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine texting my son 20 times a week. When my daughter gets to college, I can completely see that happening in the reverse. I can almost guarantee she will text me on a regular basis. She is just that type of kid. She loves to share all the details of her life with me - cue the shock proof face. :D</p>
<p>Willow…you are talking in extremes here. It’s one thing to call or text your kiddo every so often. It’s quite another thing to call the college when you don’t get a return text within 24 hours. </p>
<p>You are portraying yourself as a victim here. You are NOT a victim. Your son is at college, and is hopefully growing and spreading his wings. Instead of feeling like a victim because the contact isn’t on YOUR terms, how about being happy that your son is flying, and enjoy the contacts you DO have.</p>
<p>I really love my kids, and one lives far away. I do NOT measure his caring for me by the number of text messages I receive, or by the frequency of his contacts. That seems silly to me.</p>
<p>D1 does not text that much anymore. She is in grad school and is really stressed with her work load right now. When things lighten up a bit, I hear from her more.</p>
<p>D2 texts me daily, usually multiple times. </p>
<p>They are just different and always have been.</p>
<p>I don’t view myself as a victim. </p>
<p>I am glad my child is flying . biking … running … swimming
Stumbling or skydiving? maybe not …</p>
<p>I DO enjoy the contacts I have. Most of them. I am even enjoying the contact I don’t have. Am supremely happy I am having a lot less contact with said child’s laundry.</p>
<p>Just this morning I had coffee with a friend whose freshman daughter called. Overhearing the conversation made me realize why the daughter didn’t feel motivated to call her mom any more often than absolutely necessary. It was like listening to the inquisition.</p>
<p>Mom: I called you last night and you didn’t call me back</p>
<p>D: you said it wasn’t important, you were calling to say hi</p>
<p>MOM: Where were you?</p>
<p>D: I was at the library and then intramural sport and then out with my friends</p>
<p>Mom : It was a week night. You shouldn’t be going out. And I looked at your bank account and you went out twice over the weekend and I saw that you also took out some cash. And did you change your sheets and do your laundry? And what do you have due this week? And what did you get on that quiz? Only a B+? Then you had better stop going out,young lady…It doesn’t matter that it was the first quiz, and that you will do better now that you are familiar with the format and what the professor wants, I told you I don’t want you going out at all during the week…</p>
<p>I was inwardly cringing…</p>
<p>And yet I realized that back when my oldest was a freshman I was probably not too different, wanting to know every detail of his life, and wanting him to do all I thought he needed to do to excel…</p>
<p>it’s hard to learn to have a real conversation with an adult child. Especially as what might be “normal” conversation in person and at home comes across quite differently in the just gone away to college context.</p>
<p>But I don’t blame the daughter if she doesn’t look forward to calls with her mom…</p>
<p>Boysx…oh brother!</p>
<p>I tried to coach my friend to get the info she wants in a much less intimidating manner…</p>
<p>More like, " how was your weekend? Was it fun? Interesting friends? How was the food…would we enjoy it when we visit? How are you doing on your budget? What do you find you are spending more on/less on-do you need to tweak it?</p>
<p>Do you like your classes/professors? Is it a lot different than what you were used to/were expecting?</p>
<p>Boysx3-that conversation is the perfect illustration of some of today’s parents who think that kind of control/oversight is just normal, and part of that control is the constant contact through text/email/calling, maybe up to an including rules to respond by a certain time or the phone gets shut off.</p>
<p>I’ll bet some parents reading your recounting of that conversation see nothing wrong with it. But here’s my response to any of them: While I completely understand WANTING to know where your adult child is at every moment, and exactly what they are spending their money on, at some point you have to trust them to be…adults. Give them a budget, let them work out whether to eat out again or buy new laundry detergent and toiletries.If you’ve done your job right, you’ve taught them money management. Let them respond on THEIR timetable and stop asking where they were at 10:17 the night before. </p>
<p>Musicmom17-My youngest is like your D-I’m really good at the poker face thing. I’m sure that as she gets older I won’t hear absolutely everything from her, but as she’s only 13 and navigating HS, I’m willing to be internally freaked out so I can help her navigate.</p>
<p>sseamom - 
My son was a clam. So, I only found out about what was going on through other parents. My daughter…,…the town crier! Sometimes, I am sure that she is just trying to shock me. It does make for some very interesting conversations in our house. </p>
<p>“And what did you get on that quiz? Only a B+?” - Wow, just wow. I haven’t checked my sons grades in years. It is his responsiblity to complete the work. I can tell he has been doing laundry because I see the $3.75 charge on his bank statement. I do agree that I am enjoying the decrease in laundry. I think since he left, my laundry load went down by at least 50%. He is into layering and changes his clothes at the drop of a hat and likes to change towels often. I wondered if his habits have changed since he is the one doing the laundry. ;)</p>
<p>no more initiation from my end unless something dire happens to the family.
Yeah, that’s swinging the pendulum too far in the other direction. I think there is a difference between sending a little “thinking of you” type message and expecting them to jump when they get word from you. </p>
<p>Each kid is different and I agree with the poster who said this has to work for both sides. This is a time when we are renegotiating the relationship “rules.” We try not to push their buttons- partly so we can expect them not to push ours.</p>
<p>In many ways, with ours, I’ve always looked ahead- not always what I want, right now, but what builds the relationship, makes it solid in the long run. We had the “contact” talks before each left for college. Not perfect, no. </p>
<p>These relationships are, to me, organic- always changing in bits, how they flow depends. I can’t characterize mine with either girl in the ways some posters can. Except to say we are close and we make it work.</p>
<p>ps. I got them cell phones in m/s for their own safety. Not for my convenience. I wanted them to be able to report something, call for help or a ride, etc.</p>
<p>My sons are trained well…there is a lockdown on Capitol Hill right now. I just got texts (unprompted) from my two younger sons, both of whom work in DC, and are often in the Capitol Hill area as part of their jobs…one is safe in his office on K Street, the other is safe in a meeting in the Farragut area.</p>