<p>It varies. There are days when I might talk to one of my kids 3 or 4 times a day, and I can go a week without talking to my daughter, sometimes about 2 weeks without talking to my son. There will tend to be emails back & forth several times a week-- that's usually the preferred method of communication if I need to ask a question or send a reminder -- and I will use text messaging rather than a call during weekday hours when they could be in class or busy, if I feel the need to communicate. Last night my son sent me a text message ("are you awake?") at about 1:30 am -- he turned out to be bored and couldn't sleep, and I was up so I gave him a call and we ended up with a long conversation about his memories from early childhood. </p>
<p>With both kids there seemed to be a period the when they first went away that they were too busy with their new lives to want to talk much, and that is the time when they seemed to resent calls that were perceived as an intrusion into their lives. So I do think that college kids need some space for the first few weeks or months to separate and get their bearings -- if you would prefer a regular call time or schedule, I think it would help to discuss that before they go, and also be clear as to who is expected to initiate the call. That should avoid angst or hurt feelings over a call schedule that doesn't meet with expectations. But I think once or twice a week is the most that a parent should demand or expect. </p>
<p>The kids will call, on their own, whenever there is a serious problem or perceived crisis -- with "crisis" being personality-dependent. (For some kids a "crisis" is that they have run out of toothpaste... for others that threshold isn't reached unless they are in the hospital or in jail -- you just have to know your kid). I'm just mentioning this because in most cases, no news is good news. </p>
<p>Think about what kind of relationship you have or had with your own parents, in terms of frequency of contact -- that might be a good guide as to what to expect with your kids.</p>
<p>My parents are in their seventies. Their eight children range in age from mid-thirties to almost fifty. When each of us went off to college, we were asked to check in weekly. To this day, we all continue to check in weekly (if not more often) with Mom and Dad.</p>
<p>Strange thing, throughout hs (boarding) D insisted that my calls were excessive - - but she got upset when I stopped calling! I explained to her that if she wanted me to call, she had to stop treating my calls as an annoyance. We'll se what happens in Sept., when she starts college.</p>
<p>She's home right now for summer after completing her 1st year and, far more often than not, we spoke daily. Sometimes more than daily. She spoke to her dad less often, but regularly. We've always been very close. However, I'm sure the frequency will diminish over time.</p>
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Strange thing, throughout hs (boarding) D insisted that my calls were excessive - - but she got upset when I stopped calling! I explained to her that if she wanted me to call, she had to stop treating my calls as an annoyance. We'll se what happens in Sept., when she starts college.
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<p>Hmmm. Sounds familiar. Is it possible that teenagers actually like to be <em>annoyed</em> by their parents?</p>
<p>I'm with blossom on this one. I like to get the long email over the phone call.</p>
<p>One calls us from time to time just to chat but both of them usually call us when things go wrong in the gf, grade, money, missed flight, can I stay longer, pickpocket department. We've got their backs and they know that.</p>
<p>I don't wait too long for the email--two weeks is about my limit--especially if they are travelling. I send an email with a title such as this: "Haven't Heard From You Since June 20th??"</p>
<p>That usually opens the floodgates.</p>
<p>For boys, mine are unusually communicative though. When they are home or when we travel together, we have many long conversations. My friends are always astonished at how much conversation we get out of our boys.</p>
<p>When I taught them to enjoy long conversations and emails, I was thinking of my future DILs. I didn't want to raise men who didn't talk! :eek:</p>
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My son calls us; in general I don't call him unless there is something I need to tell him. He usually calls once to several times a week, always in between classes- walking or waiting. We chat for just a few minutes.
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<p>Doubleplay's son sounds like mine. He calls when walking to class or sometimes in the evening if he is bored or has something exciting--or frustrating--to share. We never call him. If we need to reach him, we will send a text message or email, and let him call, since we never know when he has class, rehearsal, etc.</p>
<p>When S started college, he told us he would call once a week and that if we called him, he would deduct that from his calls. And he didn't call very often at first. Now, however, (He just finished his sophomore year.) he calls fairly frequently, often just for short calls, but sometimes he will talk for quite some time. I think he had to establish his independence at first, but doesn't feel that need anymore.</p>
<p>Like shrinkwrap above, I think it is different for boys and girls (or at least it has been in my case). I generally spoke with S once or twice a week during college years and that continues now. I have found that if he calls me we will actually have a longer, better quality conversation. D informed me during her senior year that she would not be one of those girls who called home daily, but actually we do talk frequently, usually daily, via cell phone, e-mail, and AIM. It may not be for long, but in her case she likes to talk as she goes back to the dorm after campus and she especially likes to be on the phone coming back from the parking lot if she has been off campus. Parking is on the periphery of campus and she says she occasionally encounters some sketchy characters. I think it is up to each family to find a balance that works for them.</p>
<p>My not so communicative sons, too, when they call me (always a nice surprise), we sometimes have a fairly lengthy chat. When I call them, I usually get the voice mail.</p>
<p>LOL. I can talk to my daughter up to 3-4 x a day. Usually her, but she's not upset if I call as long as I'm not upset if she doesn't answer. Often I can't take her calls because she calls when I'm teaching my college classes. First year we could go up to a week, but now that she feels independent she just checks in w/silly things like. "I just saw Milo Ventimiglia on campus, He's soooooooo cute in person." (WB filmed Bedford on Barnard's campus.) Or," How would my cowboy boots look with X dress?" or, "how do you make chicken Parm again?" These phone calls last about five minutes, but we both enjoy the contact. BTW, she chose to spend part of her summer at school, part of it visiting BF in Atlanta and next Spring in London so I am not worried about independence.</p>
<p>S I think will be a different story in Fall. Once when he was at Hartwick College for summer program I had to call central office to make sure he was still alive.</p>
<p>Mythmom, I can so relate to your post. I also teach at a college and my office phone will id the caller, so I know when D is calling. I really learned during her freshman year that academic ability does not equal life skills ability when she made what was my favorite SOS call asking "what kind of milk do we use?" It seems she was in the dorm market (what they refer to as the Munchie Mart) buying cereal and trying to decide whether she needed reduced fat or skim milk to go with it. I can understand that she was confused as we use 1% milk at home and they didn't have "that color." I don't know about other regions, but here whole milk is red, 2% is royal blue, 1% is light blue, and skim is purple. I have also gotten calls on what items of clothing can go in the dryer. I covered this prior to her leaving for college, but she wasn't always interested in the advice until it was needed! I actually love these little 1-2 minute calls and find they are all I need to let me know things are well with her.</p>
<p>No, you're not a helicopter mom. Helicopter moms do the following:</p>
<p>-- Call everyday and wake them up
-- Call the school to discuss their grades
-- attend job fairs or even job interviews with them
-- Manage all their affairs for them, possible including laundry, accounts, etc and never encourage them to do anything on their own. </p>
<p>I heard of one mom who moved to be near her daughter's school (from MD to TN!) when the d was having roommate problems. How did that help the child to cope with conflict and resolve problems????</p>
<p>On my own front, I am in the midst of dealing with my first prolonged absence, my high-schooler is away at camp for the whole summer (no cells or email allowed), and in 2.5 weeks we've had no letters or calls. I'm going nuts. :-(. Cold turkey for me! </p>
<p>For my soon to be in college d, it will be interesting, I work at the school she'll be attending, I will leave it up to her to decide how much contact she wants. (She'll live on campus). But I already know she'll visit to get the car keys!</p>
<p>At one of our freshman orientations where everyone said goodbye but there was a panel program first, a parent (not me, this time) asked the OP's question in this form, "Dean, how long should we wait before first calling in?"</p>
<p>He said, "Oh, maybe 2-3 weeks." </p>
<p>There was an audible gasp throughout the audience. Obviously the parents weren't thinking in terms of weeks!!</p>
<p>I let my son do the calling. It varied from nothing for a month to once or twice a week depending on what was going on. My own mother (far away)
calls me every week or two. That's how it was when I was in college, too.</p>
<p>I think it is a good idea to let them get settled and not contact them too much at the beginning of freshman year.</p>
<p>My S just finished his soph. year. He never emails at all. We talk on the phone an average of once every 10 days or so I would guess, sometimes more but never more than once a week.</p>
<p>I'm just done with my first year. My parents let me do the calling (unless they really wanted to talk to me about something). Occasionally my mom would e-mail me and ask me to call her, but she still left it to me to actually call.</p>
<p>I called about once a week, but those calls usually last for at least an hour. Sometimes, I'll call my parents more often, if I needed to ask my parents something or I really wanted to talk to them due to loneliness or whatever. Those phone calls were often much shorter. E-mails were pretty frequent, but by no means excessive.</p>
<p>I know some people called their parents even less often, and others who talked to their parents multiple times a day, but I liked the way it worked out for my family. My parents are pretty good about giving me my independence without just throwing me to the sharks.</p>
<p>My son doesn't answer email unless overseas. I was surprised and heartened by our cell phone calls in college, which became more intimate and longer over time. He's not an especially verbal person, so has been especially appreciated to have this phone relationship develop. </p>
<p>But now, he's back for the summer living in a university area sublet, and it seems we have less contact than ever! We're both busy, with erratic schedules, and I'm trying to figure out how to find time together.</p>